Interview with a Dog: Intro

For two months I have been talking about writing this series, Interview with a Cock Sucker, but I just chickened out on the title.  What's a cock sucker anyways?   One internet dictionary said:

Cock sucker - "A low and despicable male."

Bingo.  Yeah that pretty much describes Shallow Hal in a nutshell.    

But still, my head wasn't quite in that space because I would have to be mad as hell to call him (or any man for that matter) a cock sucker.  Plus the word "cock"...COCK... just doesn't flow from my lips right anyway.   Now if I say "motherfucca"  that's different.  That flows more naturally for me because I can say that and still be sexy.   But I have gotten to know the brutha a little more and I think calling him a cock sucker now is a bit harsh.  So as dramatic and as juicy as that title might have been, I'm gonna have to say goodbye to it for now.  Now of course someone that starts to read this may think the title IS deserving, and I can dig it if they do.  That's cuz sometimes he is a cock sucker to others.  A muthafucca.  An awful womanizer.  He can be controlling, loud, and a big bully.   Is he all of these things to me?  Maybe not so much.  But to some of the women in his life...it's crazy.

Anyhow, the title came to me last night when he said he was a dog.  Not in a bragging type of way though; it was said as simply and plainly as if he had told me his social security number.  Like he knew he had a problem and it wasn't a big deal.  Ok bruh.  Since you called it like that, I'll use your self-proclaimed title to name this series then.   So that means I didn't name him; he named himself.  And that's that.  

(rubs chin thinking)

He said he was a dog and didn't even blink.  Sooooo...why am I f*ckin' with him again? 

(rubs chin again.  pauses.)


To myself...."Is that a hair?  Didn't I pluck that just the other day?  Damn, I can't keep up with these muthafuccas!"

Anyway..why do I hang with Shallow Hal?  Because he's a charmer.  He's handsome.  Strong.  A foreign born man from the Caribbean who carved out a life here and is now a six figure executive.  And did I mention that he looks sooo hot in a suit?  I loooove men in suits!  He is generous and not a cheap azz.  Talkative, funny, and goal oriented.  Lived alone, never married, and told me he has two kids in his home country.   He said that they were ages 4 and 7. 

Anyway I already described our first meeting in the post Cock Blocker so I'm not gonna get into that again.   But I never did a scorecard on him though, so here it is: 

Overall, not too shabby on the scores except for the feet.  LOL.  He can't be boyfriend potential though because he is a career cheater, but I guess I kinda like him a little.  Well most of the time anyway. :/ Sometimes I really do dig him and his generosity; other times I can't believe how he is towards people.   I guess I kick it with him because he knows how to play the game when it comes to dealing with multiple women.  He pays attention to me, calls me, takes me out, and says sweet sugary things.  He knows how to make you feel important and that's a skill SINGLE DATING MAN or A ONE WOMAN man can't even figure out.  They will take you for granted, tell you that they are busy all the time or gotta work, or see their kids or whatever; and have you sitting around for days/weeks waiting on them to see you or call you.  So dumb.  I don't know how Shallow Hal manages it all but he does. 

The story is long so I have to break it up in parts.  It is a little bit of everything too - sad, mean, funny, and at times incomprehensible.  I have been seeing him for about 3-4 months but I have seen and heard quite a bit.  Yeah, he's a dog and I'll probably get chewed out on the blog for even dealing with him in the first place, but I don't care.  I'm grown and I do what I wanna do.  There are no rules.  I follow the rules I wanna follow. 

So enough of the buildup and onto the story.  He is known on this blog as Shallow Hal.

I met him online.   We emailed each other for maybe two weeks off and on, but my spidey sense started tingling after I picked up that he would only talk about meeting me during the week.  So then I asked him about his weekend availablity and he replied, "I usually go to New York." 

Me:  Really.  What part of New York?

SH:  Long Island. 

(insert side eye).  I know he's not partying on Long Island so WTF is he going all the way there for from Jersey???  Hmmm.

Me:  Are you seeing someone out there?

(pause)

SH:  I have a friend out there.

Me:  Interesting.  Is she just a friend to you but does she consider you to be her man?

(pause)

SH:  Yeah, she probably does.

I KNEW IT, but at least I knew before I met his azz.  He is telling me right out of the starting gate that he has somebody.  His profile did say casual relationship too so the pieces were starting to fit together.  Aight, should I give him credit for being honest?  Maybe.  If I hadn't asked I don't think he would have volunteered the info....so maybe not.  Whatever.  The point is I knew the deal and can make the decision if I wanted to keep going with him.  

SIDE NOTE:  Actually I am finding that more guys that I meet are starting to do this in the early stages of talking to me.  I think these are the cheating ones who finally got tired of the drama that comes in the aftermath of running game on side pieces.  So his so-called "honesty' actually puts him in a better position, because if he has to take a call from his girl he can do it right in front of you, or tell you that he is going to see her so that he is not hiding anything.  Now of course, he is deceiving his main girl, but trying to deceive multiple women, especially ones you ain't committed to, is just messy and kinda stupid truthfully. The guys that tell you the shyt after hooking up with you are punk muthafuccas.  Chickens.  If you make it plain that you see other people upfront it lets the female decide if she wants to be on her way or stick around.  That way ain't nobody's feelings really hurt cuz things were put on the table early.  And if she gets caught up then well...she already knew the deal.  I think that is very fair.  Now can I come out and be all honest like this?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  But because of the double standard that exists in this world against women you may not get the 'kudos' for being open like a man can.  I just say, 'I date' and let dudes take it from there.

So there it was.  I knew he had somebody before we even met, but to me that wasn't all that bad.  And for whatever reason, I decided to keep going even though I had not laid eyes on him yet.  In my mind I said he could go into the friend zone because the dialogue was interesting over the email.  I was intrigued.  He sounded like a cocky muthafucca, and some emails were so tense that he was starting to annoy me.  But for some reason I just had to see who this guy was.  Maybe it was the fact that I knew he had some high position at  his job.  I mean he sounded like he was boring and watched sports all the time.  He sounded judgmental too.  Not my style.  But something in my mind turned into pure curiosity and that is why I decided to meet him anyway.  I already had it my head that I wasn't gonna like him. 

The first date was described on the Cock Blocker post.  The second date was waaay better, but I smelled some signs of bossiness/inconsideration though.  Like for example, I TOTALLY HATE when I go on a date with a guy and the waitress asks if either of us wants a dessert and the guy replies “No” without asking me whether I did or not.  Especially when they are paying for the date.  It’s not like I want the damn dessert, but don’t be answering for me!  I’m a grown woman and can answer for myself.  I dunno but doing that move just burns my azz.  I think it is soooo inconsiderate but it seems that some dudes are totally clueless about this.  I just keep quiet and take the mental note, and deduct points off the scorecard when I get home.   

But even with that move, I was still feeling him.  He was looking all big and sexy so it didn't take too long for us to start kissing and doing 'whatever else'.  Giggle.  Like I always say, there are no rules.  His d*ck action was decent.  Looked aiight naked too.  Loves applying lubricant during sex though...like repeatedly?  I usually don't require that okay?  (wink)  I don't think even a 75 year old would use as much lubricant as he does.  For real.  I have never seen anyone use it in such large doses in my life!  Makes me think he got d*ck burn on somebody's dry coochie back in the days.  Or does he think his d*ck is that f*ckin' gargantuan?  Maybe I will ask him next time.   

After that we communicated literally everyday and I visited a few times.  Once I came over and we started messing around in the living room.  Usually we would take things upstairs but this time he wasn’t doing that.  I suggest to go upstairs and he says, ‘I like staying downstairs.”  Alarm.  I knew something was up with that response, but I just let it pass.  I figure I'll get my d*ck first and then if i remember later I'll ask about it.  But things are heating up even more and this couch ain't working, so we start to go up the stairs to his bedroom.  I go in his room, skirt down around my ankles, and then BAM....

Rewind: Standoff in the Subway

6:21pm.  Rush hour.

People are going every which way hustling to this train, and that bus, or whatever.  I get a glance of some subway performers flipping in the air and break dancing to loud music.  One of them stops to pass around a hat that onlookers throw money into. 

Everyone is moving fast.  Everyone seems wild eyed and full of energy.

Except this one lady.

It's 6:23pm and my train is at 6:32pm.  I have at least a five or six minute walk to get there, so yeah, I am running late...AS USUAL.

So I'm walking up the ramp and like I said this one lady stands out.  She looked like she just got off work and was tired.  White woman.  Late 40s/early 50s.  Plump.  She was carrying two bags and was kinda just slowly waddling down the walk ramp.  She stood out because she was the ONLY FOOL walking on the wrong side of the ramp.  Just like when you are driving...you always stay to the right in the subway.   Foot traffic moves a certain way just like regular traffic does.  There are rules in the subway yanno...unspoken laws that you must learn and abide by as a New Yorker.  But she clearly did not give a f*ck, and she was walking to the left going into the subway.  THE WRONG SIDE.  I was walking out of the subway and was staying to my right - like I was supposed to.  I saw her coming down like that, but I saw enough space between her and the railing that I could still get by her.  But as I get ready to pass her, she closes that space and walks right into me.   Then she presses her body against mine....

AND STOPS.  AND DOESN'T MOVE.

It's 6:25pm.

Me:  "Are you serious?"

Lady:  "I was here first."

Me:  "You're walking on the wrong side.  Everybody that's going into the subway is over there."

Lady:  (looking straight ahead and looking even more determined) "I was walking here first!"

So here we are, two grown azz women, bodies pressed against each other, stopped in the subway.  People are looking.  Although this woman looks pretty normal she obviously is crazy.  I'm bigger and taller than her and she don't even seem to care.  I know if I push her it's gonna be some shyt.  And I'm gonna miss my train too.

I look down at her and think to myself for a few seconds.  "Is she worth it?" 

The situation had a Civil Rights Movement kind of feel to it.  For real.  White vs. Black.  She had this air and attitude of entitlement about her.  I mean she might as well had said, "Get out of my way you n*gga."  It felt odd.  So I had to decide fast.  Was I gonna get Rosa Parks on her azz and stand my ground, or was I gonna be Martin Luther King and let her go?

It is now 6:26pm.  Six minutes left.

Me: (shaking head and laughing) "You know what, I have a train to catch.  I have no time for this.  Have a good day."  And I walk around her.

Lady:  "You have a good day too."  She was just as pleasant as pie.

"Stupid bitch", I spat.

I catch the train (barely), but I am sitting there steaming mad.  Not at her though.  At myself!

I was mad because I let her have her way.  Why did she feel that she could approach me in a threatening way like that?  Do I have the word "punk" etched on my damn forehead or something?  I was mad at myself because I should have stood my ground and pushed her azz out of the way.  I could have gotten on another train and it was not a big deal, and I used the reason for catching the train as an excuse to let this heifer slide.  I should not have let her get off that easy.  I felt like I had been punked and I didn't like the feeling.

Then I remembered how I read a few days before about a guy being convicted for killing a man in the subway who wouldn't move his bag off the seat so he could sit down.  I mean, you never know what people might do.  But still, I was mad.

So I call Chipotle.  He tells me I did the right thing by walking away but I still wasn't convinced.

Then I called Kim.  She asked me, "So would it have been better for y'all to be standing there like two fools refusing to move for each other?  The woman was clearly crazy and sometimes you just have to let those people go on."

The therapist agreed too.  She said I did the right thing.

But when I told the Tin Man, he said I should have pushed her.  In fact, when I told that story to any native New Yorker male they said I should have pushed her.  Interesting.

I dunno.  Maybe she was prejudiced.  Maybe she was crazy.  Maybe she had a bad day.  I feel I should have given her a harder time than I did.  She was clearly in the wrong and I should not have let that go like that.

I'll probably go the grave thinking I should have just knocked her on her azz and ran like I stole something.

Oh well...it was just another day in New York City I guess.  People are just short-tempered.  The other day I saw a man threatening to punch out a sista ringing the bell for the Salvation Army collection box.   I mean really, who picks a fight with a Salvation Army person?  Damn homie, dontcha know it's Christmas! 

I had a chance to redeem myself though because something happened the next week and I didn't back off...Cuz there was no way that I was having that shyt happen to me a second time.  NOPE. 

This time it was a man who thought he was gonna f*ck with me because I was by myself at the movies.  I have no regrets on how I handled that situation though.  NOT AT ALL.

I get tired of people trying to push me around.

I'll save that story for next time.  Going to the therapist at lunch.  I think I'm gonna talk about Tin Man and what happened with that.  Hope it's a good session.

Day #801: I am trifling

I guess it would seem like I had a helluva bday back on November 11 because I haven't been on here typing.  The real deal is that I would write when I was at work, but now...I have to ACTUALLY work.  So I can't get in my writing unless I do it at home.  And when I get home, I lay on that couch and start reaching for the toy and then I'm just done.  Ain't no kind of writing gonna be going on after that okay?  I curl up and start watching Judge Judy and then fall asleep.  :)

So bottom line, I gotta write at home.  These people at work actually make me work now.  It was cool to blog and read blogs and then get paid twice a month.  But those days are gone it seems. 

:( 

I'm sneaking this little quick thing in now at work just to get something posted, because it was getting ridiculous not keeping this up to date.  I can't stand myself, and I got three messages in the past week asking where I was.  That made me smile.  So I felt compelled to at least write SOMETHING today.

But it's not like I haven't had any stories to tell cuz man I do!  I'm gonna jot down a few things while they are in my mind so I don't forget.  So here are the highlights of the latest stories>

• Rihanna was cock blocking again with Shallow Hal at another meetup.   She is such an attention whore.  This time she was telling me how some dude called the cops on her and she got kicked outta his house.  I guess she was telling me the story so that I could be like, "Yeah girl, he's an asshole" and alla that.  And I did.  Until she started talking more, and then....
• I have been getting all of this info for "The Interview with a Cock Sucker" series and it is just TOO, TOO JUICY!!  And not all in good way.  That cock sucker part is not sitting with me too well though, so I'm still scratching my head on a title.  But still, that is no excuse not to blog.
• Uh...and Tin Man.  Um..well.  More later.
• Oh and lemme not forget about this lady who comes up to me in the subway and was ready to throw down!  Just outta nowhere.  And I was mad at myself on how I handled it.
• Oh and then get this!  I go outta town on my birthday and check a flick by myself while Shallow Hal is playing in his tournament right?  Then this dude and his son decide they wanna bully and f*ck with me in the theater!  Man, I was so damn hot!  I mean HOTTER THAN HOT!   I must share how that shyt went down cuz I was ready to go to jail that damn night.  For real.
• What else ---um online dating.  I met like four dudes or so.  Not many.  But of course I have scorecards to share.  I always have a nice time on the dates, but when I'm through I call Kim and we giggle over whatever it is that I say about them.  I hooked up with one back in the summer...but he was just all over the place (wow I forgot about him).  I even got a story to share about a dude I never met and how he told me he can't get a date.  I think I gave him some honest advice.  I think I am gonna copy and paste the message here on the blog.  Yeah, I'm nuts.  Oh and I can't forget the dude from Cali who texted me telling me how big his feet and hands were!  Only this type of shyt happens to me.  LOL.
• CONFESSION:  I'm addicted to this shopping website.  Seriously.  It's bad.  But I look fly though...if that counts for anything????
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• And I have been coaching my cousin who probably has so much dust on her coochie she would start a windstorm if a dude blew on it.  Trees gonna be falling over and garbage cans will be rolling in the streets when that shyt finally happens - I mean it's that dusty.  Word up.  I think she been on lock for like three years now?  God bless her!  But it's going down this weekend!  She finally gonna get her some from this dude that she met online.  The horniness was too much and think she finally hit her limit, so she gonna go 'head and get some tomorrow night.  I can hear the ANTICIPATION in her voice when she talks about the date.  So if y'all feel the ground shaking in the wee hours of Sunday morning it's probably my cousin having an orgasm out in Wisconsin.  And of course I'm gonna call her the next damn day and hear every word!  I bet she gonna be breathing all hard and acting ridiculous during it.  I can't wait to hear....and blog about it of course.  I hope dude brings his A game cuz lawd knows he got a big job in front of him.  To be silly I told her to take a picture of his d*ck and send it to me when he is sleeping.  Miss Goody Two Shoes ain't gonna do it though with her prissy azz.  It'll probably be soft when she got around to taking the picture and I don't wanna see that anyway.  I'm thinking I'm still gonna dare her to do it though...just for the hell of it. 

• I won $2000!  A little writing thing.  Yay me.  But I'm gonna save it...for real.

Aight...so lemme get back to work.  I gotta hit this shopping event at 5:30pm (bad, bad girl), then I gotta run home and put my sexy pants on to bartend tonight. 

Hmmm....I hope these muthafuccas tipping tonight.  But I already know how it is so I ain't gonna gas myself up.  I stopped doing that actually.  I just need to keep my eyes on the prize and earn what I spent this week.  I spent like $300 since yesterday shopping (some were for Xmas gifts though) so I gotta make it back tonight and tomorrow.

So I'll keep my fingers crossed.  More later.

Sorry for not keeping this up to date.  LakiSwirl is one of my heroes cuz she keeps her stuff fresh!  I need to try to do the same.

Sometimes...

I get kinda sad.

I get sad because I feel that I shouldn't be settling for people like Shallow Hal and Tin Man, but I guess deep down I must think...it's better than nothing?

Yeah right.

I mean...

If I could just take The Artist Formerly Known as Cornrows' niceness, loyalty and openness,
and take Shallow Hal's success, financial stability, and attentiveness,
and Tin Man's sexual capabilities
and roll it all it one dude,
I'd be straight.

But until I find that dude (or someone remotely close to that).  I guess I'll deal with the three I got.  It's too bad I can't think of any really good quality for Tin Man besides his dyck action though.  Oh..wait.  I got one.  He makes me laugh.  There ya go.  Besides that, that's all I can say about him. 


In any case, none of the situations are that cool but whatever. 

In other news...

• I haven't been on here in while because I have a series coming up, "Interview With a Cock Sucker".  Well maybe I won't call him that cuz that's kinda harsh.  So I'm still thinking of a title, but the first installment is coming next week. 
• My birthday is Friday.  Shallow Hal invited me out of town, but it wasn't like he invited me for my birthday so I ain't all giddy about the invitation.  He just happened to ask and the day to go just happens to be my birthday.  He MIGHT have done something for me though?  Yeah, possibly.  Honestly, he's just inviting me to have somebody to f*ck in between him playing in this tournament probably.  That's being real and I ain't gonna pretend like I don't know the deal.  I guess it's better than sitting around here doing nothing like I usually do on my birthday I guess.  So why not have a nice stiff one to play with that day?  LOL.  Ooh I am just awful aren't I?  But why front?  Females (and males) know they don't mind a little birthday sex so get the f*ck outta here if you try to look down on me for being real about it on this blog.  Anyway!  As for Shallow Hal, he is my type in a lot of ways...but he's just a dog.  A super dog as a matter fact.  I'll write more about him as he is the subject of the "Interview With a Cock Sucker" series.  I've heard of some muthafuccas in my time, but this one right here...wow!  As long as I don't criticize him he just keeps telling me more and more.  This series is gonna be quite interesting.
• Found out that you can actually FINANCE plastic surgery!  Mmmm....interesting.
• I guess I'm not gonna ever have a baby either.  With this birthday coming up, it's just not looking like it's gonna happen for me.  Not that I crave having one, but I guess I could.  I'm just a chicken.  I don't wanna get all big and outta shape.  I work out too hard to lose it all like that.  It's dumb to think this but I do.  I mean, what if I never go back to being fit?  It's a big fear of mine.  I don't want to LOOK like I had a baby you know?  You know how some women LOOK like they have had kids?  I know people go back to a nice size, but what if I don't?  Then, I don't know if I have the patience for noisy kids.  I was on the bus the other day and this kid was just making noise the entire bus ride.   I couldn't turn my music up loud enough to drown him out.  It scares me that I have such a low tolerance for kid noise.
• I am masturbating waayyy too much.  I think about sex a lot.  And I mean a lot.  I even masturbate in the bathroom at work sometimes.  It's really a strange thing going on with me.  Too bad I have to waste my sex drive on dudes that I know that I won't have anything real with.  I think I'm really gonna try to find me a real sweetie this time, and try to stop fast forwarding my mind to the sex stuff. 
 

Anyway that's it for now.  Writing this made me feel a little better.  Still sad, but not as sad as before.

I Can't Look At Myself...

Aiight so me and Shallow Hal been gettin' it in...WELL.  Just typing that sentence sent a quiver through my coochie.  No lie. 

*crosses legs squirming*

Anyway, so he was talking about how he likes a woman to be shaved.  CLEAN.  I had to ask why, but of course he says the basic man shyt, "I just like it."  I remember I had done my own shave job back when I was kicking it with Tin Man, and right after that, his face, mouth, and my coochie broke up.  At first I thought something was wrong with me, and when I finally asked why he stopped doing that he said simple and plain, "You shaved." 

So now you tell me?  And growing hair back on your coochie takes FOREVER, so it wasn't like I could fix the issue overnight unless I took a black marker and drew some hair on it.  (And I was missing it so much that I considered doing that...lol).  So needless to say I went without for a little bit of time...and that was not cute.  Even after he and I were done, I tried to just keep a little something down there, not a bush, but just enough to keep things looking sexy.  Just some fuzzy stuff like Amber Rose's head. 

And I was cool with that.

Now here comes Shallow Hal who likes it bald.  Sigh.  Made me wonder if he was just perverted at first cuz seriously, what is attractive about a bald azz coochie?  Seems like a pedophile would be checking for that look to me.  Hmmm.  To each his own I guess.

Soooo...since I had been pondering getting a Brazillian wax before even meeting Shallow Hal, I figured this would be a good time to try it out  since I was dealing with a fella who likes that.  I had been thinking about getting one all year, but it was just because I wanted to get that 'other hair' on the backside that my razor and my hands can't get to easily. 

So one day after work I said "F*ck it, I'm gonna do it."  I walk to the place and stop in front hesitating for a minute, then I walked up the stairs.  I didn't like the damn price and was gonna leave just because of that -- $40 damn dollars to get a shaved coochie?  WOW.  That's highway robbery!  I could get a dress or a pair of shoes for that kind of money.  But I sucked it up and said okay, let's do it.  I shyly told the lady that it was my first time, and she excitedly said, "Oh you're gonna love it!"

Ya think?  Ummm, ok.

The process was very interesting.  My legs and azz were all up in the air in front of this strange Russian woman, and she was handling me like I was rag doll - like it wasn't nothing.  It all was very strange to me but it was no big deal to her.  I guess she looks at women all day, but I bet she sees two 20 dollar bills on every coochie that comes through there. 

"Rip!  Rip!  Rip!"  That was the sound of those wax strips ripping the hair off my vajayjay.  And the shyt hurt!  Oh. My. Goodness.  I never knew my coochie was so sensitive.  Unbelievable.  But she actually praised me on how I was holding up and said that I was doing good and I wasn't bleeding or anything.

BLEEDING??  YOU CAN BLEED GETTING A BRAZILLIAN WAX?  Man she shouldn't have told me that at all.

Then it's over in maybe ten minutes.  I look at myself and there is nothing there but skin and vaginal parts.  Nothing.  And I wasn't lovin' it one bit.  I was kinda in shock.  "What did I do?"

I called Kim and told her about it.  She had one a long time ago and said she didn't like the look too much herself.  I told her that I didn't like it either and that I think I had ruined myself.  I told her that I felt shame and that I looked like a little azz girl.  I was no longer sexy.  Of course she starts laughing.

Then I told her that I didn't think I could at myself in the mirror.  It was just too much.  She laughs harder.  Then it hit me.  And what came next basically summed up everything I was feeling at that moment.

"Girl, I feel like a newborn baby." 

And Kim was done.  We both were laughing so hard that people on my train thought I was crazy.  And Kim made the laughing worse by saying that maybe I should go to the store and buy some Pampers to go with my new look.  LOL.  For real though, I looked like a newborn azz baby down there.  I mean you can see everythang, and WTF is sexy about that?  The hair was transitional for me, and now I was just all skin - from my neck to my toes.  Just skin.  My panties felt different too because the buffer of hair that I had between me and the panty cloth was now gone.  I never knew how much I missed that cushion of hair until my shyt went bald.  Who knew?  Needless to say I was not a happy camper. 

That same night, Shallow Hal comes by.  And you know what he wants.  We start messing around after awhile, and I managed to wriggle out of him touching or seeing it for a while.  But I couldn't keep that up once we go in the bedroom.  He gets in there and turns the lights on. 

GASP!  Nooooo!  He can't see me like this!  So I quickly turn them off. 

He turns them on again and says "I like the lights on!"  I tell him its like Yankee Stadium in the place, but he doesn't care. 

But I'm like nooooo, and I turn them off again.  I'm not lying about this either.  It was like a freakin' sitcom up in there with him turning the light on and me turning it off.  Too funny.  Eventually I concede and tell him that I will get a candle to create a little ambience.  I scurry around the apartment looking for one teenie tiny tea light candle to ensure the smallest bit of illumination in my room.  I was on a mission.  But shyt, I couldn't find them!  So I got Shallow Hal standing there with a hard dyck waiting for me to find this 10 cents candle and I'm opening cabinets and drawers like a damn maniac.  Yeah I was tripping hard.  I think the waxing took my hair and some of my sense along with it too.  Eventually Shallow Hal says, "Um, I can't stand here much longer like this love", and I didn't want miss out either, so I just sucked it up and got the big candle and lit it.  Damn. 

After things are all said and done, his azz didn't even say a word about it.  I didn't want to say, "Did you notice my new look?" while standing in front of him showing off my hairless vajayjay, but on the other hand it would have been nice to get at least an 'honorable mention' seeing that I just went through torture doing that shyt.  I laid there and I silently cursed any man that would demand that his woman get a Brazillian wax. 

"How dare you?  How dare you subject your woman to such torture?  You selfish visual bastard!  Ugh!"

But I made it through my first hairless sexual encounter, and now I am on the other side.  The storm has passed.

So it's been a few days and I am proud to say that I can look at myself now.  The fever has broken.  It's gonna take forever for that hair to grow back though, so I might as well get used to looking like six year old for a while.  :( I guess I can appreciate the Brazillian wax a little better now, because I like the way the 'other areas' look and feel, but next time I will just leave a lil patch or something there.  No way will I ever, ever get a completely bald vajayjay though.  It just looks alien to me.  And if any dude wants me to be completely bald in the future, his azz better be ready to wax some of his shyt off too.  Back.  Legs.  Chest.  Something!  So he will know how that shyt feels before screaming out a selfish 'preference' for a hairless coochie.  You better think twice about asking me that son.

Woo chile.  Next time I will proceed with caution if I get a Brazillian wax again.  I took things a little too far.  Like always, but lesson learned.

Cock Blocker?

Aiight so I've been working trying to meet folks on Match and BlackPeopleMeet before the subscription expires in a few days. 

In four days I met three dudes.  Met another two in the weeks prior.  Of those five...I think I may have someone for the d*ck roster, even though that's what I was looking for exactly.  (I gotta get into that on another post.) I had been corresponding with him for about a week or so.  He's an assistant vice president at a major financial services firm. 

(nodding head)

FINALLY!  A man with money in his hand!   I’ve been waiting soooo long to meet someone like this.  Haha.  But it wasn't just about what he did for a living though.  He actually sounded kinda boring, and even though I sensed that he might be arrogant and shallow in some of the things he had said to me, I still decided to go ahead and meet him anyway.  I wanted to meet him because I wanted to see the person behind the cocky messages.  I think he was curious who I was too, because he asked if I was confrontational.  So we both were probably like, “Lemme see who the hell this person is.”  So for now I’m gonna call him Shallow Hal (more on that in another post).

I tell Shallow Hal to meet me in Times Square, but I don't say where we are going.  There was a free movie screening going on with a Meetup group I am a member of.  I was just gonna say, "Come on, let's go', and hope that he would be game for it.  I was testing his level of corniness and spontaneity with that idea. I wait for him, and he's mad late but he calls and tells me so.  Oh well.

A minute later my friend who organized the movie screening calls me and says she is on her way to the theater.  I had kinda forgotten about her.

"Are you gonna meet me there?"

"Sure yeah, I'll be there…with a friend of mine."

"Okay. See you in a little bit."

I hang up the phone and then it dawned on me. 

What the f*ck am I doing?

Rhianna of NYC is on her way.  To meet up with you and your first date with the Vice President.  You know, that pretty chick with red hair and a big ol' double booty who guys stay sweating. 

(insert dumb look here)

Rhianna (spelled wrong purposely) of NYC is what I'm gonna name this missy.  I never made the red hair connection to her and the singer until I started typing this blog today.  I don’t know why hooking up with her didn’t register in my head when I decided to have dude meet me at the movie screening.  No way can I have this chick meet my date when I'm on a Kelly Rowland level in comparison to her.  I mean I was ready to put in work on his optical senses; I wore a sexy dress because I always try to bring my "A" game to a first date.  I was cool.  But when this chick comes on the scene, she can take away your shine pretty damn fast.  She's tall, has a Lena Horne complextion, and red hair that she been rocking looooong before Rhianna even made her first record.  She is quite striking, and I'll give her that.  Normally when I’m with her I don't mind her gettin' mad attention, but today I would mind.  And I didn't want her around.

I had messed up, and being the person that I am I wasn’t gonna cancel meeting her after I already said that I would come.  Damn.

Rhianna makes it to me first.   I thought that was actually a good thing so I can debrief her on the situation.  She comes in doing her Meetup business, but the movie has already started. Then she turns to me and asks me if I am coming inside.  I hesitate.

 "Well my friend hasn't made it yet.  But I'll go on in the theater and when he calls I'll step out."

I follow Rhianna up the stairs.  She has some tight azz jeans on and her booty is just tremendous.  Her red hair is pulled back in a ponytail and her mouth was painted with this bright devil red lipstick.  The girl is a muthafuccin’ light bulb.  While she is chattering away, in my mind I'm like...

"We can't sit with her!  We can't sit with her!  Shyt.  And because she is late and the movie started, she can't hookup with any other the Meetup members now.  She won't find them.  F*ck!!"

We get into the movie theater, and just like a diva she thinks she can get a prime seat when the shyt already started.   It was like she really WAS Rhianna and was causing a disruption as she questioned people in the dark about seats.  Just being annoying.  I tell her I'm going to the other side, and I hope that she will just take the one seat in the area that she wanted to be in.  I start to walk to the other side and look back.  Rhianna does not take the single seat and starts to follow me instead. 

Damn.  Strike one.

I find two seats.  We sit down and I tell her that when my friend comes we will go find two other seats on our own since there weren't enough seats in that row.  She turns and asks the dude next to her if the seat is taken.  "No." He says, and he moves his jacket. 

Now there are three seats. 

Rhianna:  "Good. Your friend will have a seat now."

Me:  "Yeah hooray."

*rolls eyes*

So I try something else.

Me (to Rhianna whispering):  "Well this is my first time meeting him.  It's an online date.  So right after the movie me and him are probably wanna go somewhere okay?"

Rhianna:  "Oh ok." 

That was SUPPOSED to be me letting her know that I wanted to be alone with him.   

I thought it would be that simple, but why did I hear birds chirping as she turned her head back to the movie screen? 

I wasn’t convinced.  So I sit.  Barely concentrating on the movie.  Thinking.  Thinking that I can’t trust that Rhianna understood what I meant.

A minute later, Shallow Hal texts and says he's waiting down the street.  Now it’s time to find out if she would prove me right or wrong.

I find him on the street and Shallow Hal is looking good as hell.  He was looking real yummy with his suit on.  I instantly like what I see. 

“Yeah”, I thought to myself, “I need to be alone with this one right here.”

So we go back in the theatre and all I could think about was being alone with dude.  So I lean over to her and ask what she is doing afterwards.

Rhianna:  “Nothing.  What are you two doing?” 

Me:  “Don’t know yet.  This is the first time I am meeting him so we will probably go somewhere.”

Rhianna:  “Well let me know when the movie is over.”

Noooo!!!  Why should I be letting you know anything when this is over?  That was her cue to say she was gonna do HER.OWN.THING.  But nope.  She just looked back at the screen. 

"Chirp!  Chirp!"  Everyone who spoke in the movie all sounded like birds to me now.  I had officially checked out.

The movie finishes and I introduce them…quickly.  I tell Rhianna that I’m going to the bathroom and she follows me.  She sees someone she knows from the Meetup group so I secretly hope that Rhianna will hook up with her, but by time I come out of the stall the chick is gone.  Oh well.

Now Rhianna is on the phone, taking up space in front of the damn sink  in the crowded bathroom but of course she don’t give a f*ck.  I mouth the words to her that I’m leaving, and she holds up her finger asking me to wait, but I just walk on out and act like I didn’t see the gesture.  I find Shallow Hal and start walking towards the escalators.  I look over my shoulder and there is Rhianna, a few steps behind me still talking on the phone!

Couldn’t shake her in the bathroom either.  Strike two.

So now I see the expression on Hal’s face.  He clearly has the, “What the f*ck is going on here expression.”  And so did I.  Rhianna is just chirping away on the phone.

We – me and Shallow Hal - decide to go to restaurant close by to eat.  Rhianna’s azz is still behind us though, and still talking on the muthafuccin’ phone, and following us to the damn restaurant. 

I look back at her and my eyes were like “WTF are you doing” but she is all in this phone convo, and the birds are chirping even louder now.  I quickly prayed that she would just take her azz on, but she didn’t. 

Instead she walked her whack azz into the restaurant with us.  Strike three.

I wanted to punch her in the face.  But me being Miss Nicety, I just try to manage and tell Shallow Hal that Rhianna is just gonna come with us.  He doesn’t respond.  I figured that I was dead already, so might as well just roll with it at this point.  I was pissed at myself for not telling her – PLAINLY AND CLEARLY – that she needed to bounce.  But I guess I just expected her to do what I would have done in that situation.  Thinking that was my BIGGEST MISTAKE.

So we sit at the table, and I think that I am doomed.  She is just running her mouth and being the focus of attention, with her f*cking red hair and her big azz.  I couldn’t even focus on the menu and just asked for a drink.  I basically was like f*ck it. 

But then the universe came to the rescue, because it took less than one minute for Rhianna to slowly start to reveal the true person behind her physical beauty.  Just when I thought that I had struck out, her baseball game was just beginning.  It was now her turn.  She grabs the bat and takes her first swing:

Rhianna:  “Oh I guess we can’t gossip now because HE’S here.” 

And she said it like he was the one intruding on the situation!  I told her that we could save that for another time, but of course she didn’t listen.  But I shut her down politely by saying TWICE that we would gossip another time.  

Shallow Hal then asked her a question.  When she finished talking, I swear that I saw a bird fly past me.  I didn’t know what the f*ck she said, and the expression on his face told me that he didn’t know what the f*ck she said either.  He looked totally unimpressed, and later he told me that once he heard her answer, he had decided not to ask her anything else.  So Miss America killed herself on the challenge question.  Cool.

Bird  – 0.  Me -1.

Rhianna:  “Why do men think that you’re supposed to cover dinner if they take you out a couple of times already?  Unless you’re my boyfriend or my dad, I’m not paying for anything; I don’t care how many times you take me out.”

This question came from outta NOWHERE okay?  I looked around for the hidden cameras cuz I swear I thought I was on the show Hell Date.  I wonder if she thought she was helping me qualify dude by seeing how he would respond.  I dunno.  All I know is that she was just giving me a damn headache.

Shallow Hal squinted at her curiously, and I think that’s because he saw the gold digger stamp illuminate on her forehead.  They go back and forth on the topic, and she was just killing herself the more and more she stated her position.  I had to look away from her because I was starting to imagine my hands around her friggin' neck.  Thank goodness the food came!    Damn dingbat. 

Bird – 0.  Me – 2.

So after a while I just accepted the fact that I had messed up and just joined in the banter going on at the table.  I had enough of her chirping and controlling every damn thing.  And of course the more I spoke, the more I saw him looking at me and less at her.  And the look on his face was good.   I smiled, and I actually started to feel a little better.  I just rolled with the situation.  The damage was already done.

Thankfully, we get ready to leave.  As we get ready to start to get up, I ask him where he parked.

Rhianna jumps in.  “Oh you parked over there?  Then you can take me to my car.”

She didn’t ask.  She told him he could take her to her car.

I put my face in my hands and shook my head.  Homie just walked away. 

You don’t even know this dude, so how you gonna ask MY ACQUAINTANCE for a fuggin’ ride?  But she did.  Unbelievably clueless.

And that move right there, asking for a damn ride, signaled that the game was over for her azz.  She was done.

Bird – 0.  Me – 3.

But was I done too?  Probably so.

We went to the bathroom and then she proceeded to try to give her assessment of him to me, when I didn’t ask her damn opinion on a muthafuccin’ thing.  Grrrrr….I wanted to dunk her head in the damn toilet.  I just wanted to get rid of her azz, and I practically ran outta that bathroom even though she was still talking.   

I thought he had bounced by then, but he was a gentleman and waited for us.  Cool.

And yes, he drove her to her car.  About two blocks away.  A distance she could have walked to her damn self.  Nutty.  It was all just nutty. 

As soon as she was out of the car I apologized over and over to him.  He said that he thought it was a set up.  Haha.  Nah.  I told him how I had tried to tell her to go, but she wasn’t getting it.  But he didn’t dog her out though.  He remained a gentleman about it and we just moved on from it.  Even though she had annoyed the hell out of me, I don’t think he was turned off by her though.  Hmmm…

The convo on the ride home was nice.  I was feeling him.  I think he was feeling me.  It was cool. 

I called her when I got home to try to ask her what the hell was she thinking, but again all I heard were birds.  In other words it was just pointless trying to talk to her.  Whatever.   Good night chick.  I’ll know better next time.

Then it all started to make sense.  Rhianna had told me before how someone had told her that she was self-absorbed and needed to get over herself.  And now I see exactly what that person meant by that… Rhianna is all about herself.  She got the babysitter, rode in from West Hell, and was gonna make a night of it no matter what.  Forget about her being a third wheel or that the situation would feel awkward.  Forget that I said this was the first time I was meeting him.  It was all about her azz and her having fun.  I sensed in my bones before the evening started that I needed to get away from her azz, and boy was I right.   Her being a grown azz woman I thought that she would have known better than to tag along like that.  When I saw her following us into the restaurant I should have turned around, gave her a hug, and walked away.  I didn’t handle that right at all so I have to blame myself too.

But all was not lost.  The next day Shallow Hal emails me and says he had a nice time.  We plan to go out that night – ALONE.  Good.

Then another email comes.

Shallow Hal:  “I just told my boy about last night and he wants to meet your friend.  How about we have a double date next week?”

HUH?  NOW AIN’T THAT SOME SHYT?

You see what I mean?  Even though she was dizzy, self-absorbed, AND confessed to her gold digger tendencies, she gets a pass for alla that because she was pretty with a big azz.   Shallow Hal still gassed her up to his friend anyways.  I had picked the right name for his azz after all - shallow muthafucca.  Everything gets put to the side because mami was easy on the eyes, and Shallow Hal must have made her sound pretty damn good for his boy to wanna meet her without seeing her.  Dudes will still wanna holla at her no matter what she says or does.  And apparently she knows that. 

Must be nice to get passes in life like that.  I wouldn't know shyt about it.

I called Kim and told her about it and she was straight howling with laughter on the phone.  She said Rhianna was bogus as hell for coming with us.  I told the therapist too, but she wasn’t laughing.  The therapist was like, “You should have told her azz to beat it. ” 

What a mess.

Was it my mistake that I expected Rhianna to have known better?  YES!
Will I know better next time?  YES!

Anyway lesson learned.  I’m gonna see her next week at another Meetup event, but please believe she WILL NOT be kicking it with me afterwards.  I've been shyt on by this bird enough to last a lifetime.