Cock Blocker?

Aiight so I've been working trying to meet folks on Match and BlackPeopleMeet before the subscription expires in a few days. 

In four days I met three dudes.  Met another two in the weeks prior.  Of those five...I think I may have someone for the d*ck roster, even though that's what I was looking for exactly.  (I gotta get into that on another post.) I had been corresponding with him for about a week or so.  He's an assistant vice president at a major financial services firm. 

(nodding head)

FINALLY!  A man with money in his hand!   I’ve been waiting soooo long to meet someone like this.  Haha.  But it wasn't just about what he did for a living though.  He actually sounded kinda boring, and even though I sensed that he might be arrogant and shallow in some of the things he had said to me, I still decided to go ahead and meet him anyway.  I wanted to meet him because I wanted to see the person behind the cocky messages.  I think he was curious who I was too, because he asked if I was confrontational.  So we both were probably like, “Lemme see who the hell this person is.”  So for now I’m gonna call him Shallow Hal (more on that in another post).

I tell Shallow Hal to meet me in Times Square, but I don't say where we are going.  There was a free movie screening going on with a Meetup group I am a member of.  I was just gonna say, "Come on, let's go', and hope that he would be game for it.  I was testing his level of corniness and spontaneity with that idea. I wait for him, and he's mad late but he calls and tells me so.  Oh well.

A minute later my friend who organized the movie screening calls me and says she is on her way to the theater.  I had kinda forgotten about her.

"Are you gonna meet me there?"

"Sure yeah, I'll be there…with a friend of mine."

"Okay. See you in a little bit."

I hang up the phone and then it dawned on me. 

What the f*ck am I doing?

Rhianna of NYC is on her way.  To meet up with you and your first date with the Vice President.  You know, that pretty chick with red hair and a big ol' double booty who guys stay sweating. 

(insert dumb look here)

Rhianna (spelled wrong purposely) of NYC is what I'm gonna name this missy.  I never made the red hair connection to her and the singer until I started typing this blog today.  I don’t know why hooking up with her didn’t register in my head when I decided to have dude meet me at the movie screening.  No way can I have this chick meet my date when I'm on a Kelly Rowland level in comparison to her.  I mean I was ready to put in work on his optical senses; I wore a sexy dress because I always try to bring my "A" game to a first date.  I was cool.  But when this chick comes on the scene, she can take away your shine pretty damn fast.  She's tall, has a Lena Horne complextion, and red hair that she been rocking looooong before Rhianna even made her first record.  She is quite striking, and I'll give her that.  Normally when I’m with her I don't mind her gettin' mad attention, but today I would mind.  And I didn't want her around.

I had messed up, and being the person that I am I wasn’t gonna cancel meeting her after I already said that I would come.  Damn.

Rhianna makes it to me first.   I thought that was actually a good thing so I can debrief her on the situation.  She comes in doing her Meetup business, but the movie has already started. Then she turns to me and asks me if I am coming inside.  I hesitate.

 "Well my friend hasn't made it yet.  But I'll go on in the theater and when he calls I'll step out."

I follow Rhianna up the stairs.  She has some tight azz jeans on and her booty is just tremendous.  Her red hair is pulled back in a ponytail and her mouth was painted with this bright devil red lipstick.  The girl is a muthafuccin’ light bulb.  While she is chattering away, in my mind I'm like...

"We can't sit with her!  We can't sit with her!  Shyt.  And because she is late and the movie started, she can't hookup with any other the Meetup members now.  She won't find them.  F*ck!!"

We get into the movie theater, and just like a diva she thinks she can get a prime seat when the shyt already started.   It was like she really WAS Rhianna and was causing a disruption as she questioned people in the dark about seats.  Just being annoying.  I tell her I'm going to the other side, and I hope that she will just take the one seat in the area that she wanted to be in.  I start to walk to the other side and look back.  Rhianna does not take the single seat and starts to follow me instead. 

Damn.  Strike one.

I find two seats.  We sit down and I tell her that when my friend comes we will go find two other seats on our own since there weren't enough seats in that row.  She turns and asks the dude next to her if the seat is taken.  "No." He says, and he moves his jacket. 

Now there are three seats. 

Rhianna:  "Good. Your friend will have a seat now."

Me:  "Yeah hooray."

*rolls eyes*

So I try something else.

Me (to Rhianna whispering):  "Well this is my first time meeting him.  It's an online date.  So right after the movie me and him are probably wanna go somewhere okay?"

Rhianna:  "Oh ok." 

That was SUPPOSED to be me letting her know that I wanted to be alone with him.   

I thought it would be that simple, but why did I hear birds chirping as she turned her head back to the movie screen? 

I wasn’t convinced.  So I sit.  Barely concentrating on the movie.  Thinking.  Thinking that I can’t trust that Rhianna understood what I meant.

A minute later, Shallow Hal texts and says he's waiting down the street.  Now it’s time to find out if she would prove me right or wrong.

I find him on the street and Shallow Hal is looking good as hell.  He was looking real yummy with his suit on.  I instantly like what I see. 

“Yeah”, I thought to myself, “I need to be alone with this one right here.”

So we go back in the theatre and all I could think about was being alone with dude.  So I lean over to her and ask what she is doing afterwards.

Rhianna:  “Nothing.  What are you two doing?” 

Me:  “Don’t know yet.  This is the first time I am meeting him so we will probably go somewhere.”

Rhianna:  “Well let me know when the movie is over.”

Noooo!!!  Why should I be letting you know anything when this is over?  That was her cue to say she was gonna do HER.OWN.THING.  But nope.  She just looked back at the screen. 

"Chirp!  Chirp!"  Everyone who spoke in the movie all sounded like birds to me now.  I had officially checked out.

The movie finishes and I introduce them…quickly.  I tell Rhianna that I’m going to the bathroom and she follows me.  She sees someone she knows from the Meetup group so I secretly hope that Rhianna will hook up with her, but by time I come out of the stall the chick is gone.  Oh well.

Now Rhianna is on the phone, taking up space in front of the damn sink  in the crowded bathroom but of course she don’t give a f*ck.  I mouth the words to her that I’m leaving, and she holds up her finger asking me to wait, but I just walk on out and act like I didn’t see the gesture.  I find Shallow Hal and start walking towards the escalators.  I look over my shoulder and there is Rhianna, a few steps behind me still talking on the phone!

Couldn’t shake her in the bathroom either.  Strike two.

So now I see the expression on Hal’s face.  He clearly has the, “What the f*ck is going on here expression.”  And so did I.  Rhianna is just chirping away on the phone.

We – me and Shallow Hal - decide to go to restaurant close by to eat.  Rhianna’s azz is still behind us though, and still talking on the muthafuccin’ phone, and following us to the damn restaurant. 

I look back at her and my eyes were like “WTF are you doing” but she is all in this phone convo, and the birds are chirping even louder now.  I quickly prayed that she would just take her azz on, but she didn’t. 

Instead she walked her whack azz into the restaurant with us.  Strike three.

I wanted to punch her in the face.  But me being Miss Nicety, I just try to manage and tell Shallow Hal that Rhianna is just gonna come with us.  He doesn’t respond.  I figured that I was dead already, so might as well just roll with it at this point.  I was pissed at myself for not telling her – PLAINLY AND CLEARLY – that she needed to bounce.  But I guess I just expected her to do what I would have done in that situation.  Thinking that was my BIGGEST MISTAKE.

So we sit at the table, and I think that I am doomed.  She is just running her mouth and being the focus of attention, with her f*cking red hair and her big azz.  I couldn’t even focus on the menu and just asked for a drink.  I basically was like f*ck it. 

But then the universe came to the rescue, because it took less than one minute for Rhianna to slowly start to reveal the true person behind her physical beauty.  Just when I thought that I had struck out, her baseball game was just beginning.  It was now her turn.  She grabs the bat and takes her first swing:

Rhianna:  “Oh I guess we can’t gossip now because HE’S here.” 

And she said it like he was the one intruding on the situation!  I told her that we could save that for another time, but of course she didn’t listen.  But I shut her down politely by saying TWICE that we would gossip another time.  

Shallow Hal then asked her a question.  When she finished talking, I swear that I saw a bird fly past me.  I didn’t know what the f*ck she said, and the expression on his face told me that he didn’t know what the f*ck she said either.  He looked totally unimpressed, and later he told me that once he heard her answer, he had decided not to ask her anything else.  So Miss America killed herself on the challenge question.  Cool.

Bird  – 0.  Me -1.

Rhianna:  “Why do men think that you’re supposed to cover dinner if they take you out a couple of times already?  Unless you’re my boyfriend or my dad, I’m not paying for anything; I don’t care how many times you take me out.”

This question came from outta NOWHERE okay?  I looked around for the hidden cameras cuz I swear I thought I was on the show Hell Date.  I wonder if she thought she was helping me qualify dude by seeing how he would respond.  I dunno.  All I know is that she was just giving me a damn headache.

Shallow Hal squinted at her curiously, and I think that’s because he saw the gold digger stamp illuminate on her forehead.  They go back and forth on the topic, and she was just killing herself the more and more she stated her position.  I had to look away from her because I was starting to imagine my hands around her friggin' neck.  Thank goodness the food came!    Damn dingbat. 

Bird – 0.  Me – 2.

So after a while I just accepted the fact that I had messed up and just joined in the banter going on at the table.  I had enough of her chirping and controlling every damn thing.  And of course the more I spoke, the more I saw him looking at me and less at her.  And the look on his face was good.   I smiled, and I actually started to feel a little better.  I just rolled with the situation.  The damage was already done.

Thankfully, we get ready to leave.  As we get ready to start to get up, I ask him where he parked.

Rhianna jumps in.  “Oh you parked over there?  Then you can take me to my car.”

She didn’t ask.  She told him he could take her to her car.

I put my face in my hands and shook my head.  Homie just walked away. 

You don’t even know this dude, so how you gonna ask MY ACQUAINTANCE for a fuggin’ ride?  But she did.  Unbelievably clueless.

And that move right there, asking for a damn ride, signaled that the game was over for her azz.  She was done.

Bird – 0.  Me – 3.

But was I done too?  Probably so.

We went to the bathroom and then she proceeded to try to give her assessment of him to me, when I didn’t ask her damn opinion on a muthafuccin’ thing.  Grrrrr….I wanted to dunk her head in the damn toilet.  I just wanted to get rid of her azz, and I practically ran outta that bathroom even though she was still talking.   

I thought he had bounced by then, but he was a gentleman and waited for us.  Cool.

And yes, he drove her to her car.  About two blocks away.  A distance she could have walked to her damn self.  Nutty.  It was all just nutty. 

As soon as she was out of the car I apologized over and over to him.  He said that he thought it was a set up.  Haha.  Nah.  I told him how I had tried to tell her to go, but she wasn’t getting it.  But he didn’t dog her out though.  He remained a gentleman about it and we just moved on from it.  Even though she had annoyed the hell out of me, I don’t think he was turned off by her though.  Hmmm…

The convo on the ride home was nice.  I was feeling him.  I think he was feeling me.  It was cool. 

I called her when I got home to try to ask her what the hell was she thinking, but again all I heard were birds.  In other words it was just pointless trying to talk to her.  Whatever.   Good night chick.  I’ll know better next time.

Then it all started to make sense.  Rhianna had told me before how someone had told her that she was self-absorbed and needed to get over herself.  And now I see exactly what that person meant by that… Rhianna is all about herself.  She got the babysitter, rode in from West Hell, and was gonna make a night of it no matter what.  Forget about her being a third wheel or that the situation would feel awkward.  Forget that I said this was the first time I was meeting him.  It was all about her azz and her having fun.  I sensed in my bones before the evening started that I needed to get away from her azz, and boy was I right.   Her being a grown azz woman I thought that she would have known better than to tag along like that.  When I saw her following us into the restaurant I should have turned around, gave her a hug, and walked away.  I didn’t handle that right at all so I have to blame myself too.

But all was not lost.  The next day Shallow Hal emails me and says he had a nice time.  We plan to go out that night – ALONE.  Good.

Then another email comes.

Shallow Hal:  “I just told my boy about last night and he wants to meet your friend.  How about we have a double date next week?”

HUH?  NOW AIN’T THAT SOME SHYT?

You see what I mean?  Even though she was dizzy, self-absorbed, AND confessed to her gold digger tendencies, she gets a pass for alla that because she was pretty with a big azz.   Shallow Hal still gassed her up to his friend anyways.  I had picked the right name for his azz after all - shallow muthafucca.  Everything gets put to the side because mami was easy on the eyes, and Shallow Hal must have made her sound pretty damn good for his boy to wanna meet her without seeing her.  Dudes will still wanna holla at her no matter what she says or does.  And apparently she knows that. 

Must be nice to get passes in life like that.  I wouldn't know shyt about it.

I called Kim and told her about it and she was straight howling with laughter on the phone.  She said Rhianna was bogus as hell for coming with us.  I told the therapist too, but she wasn’t laughing.  The therapist was like, “You should have told her azz to beat it. ” 

What a mess.

Was it my mistake that I expected Rhianna to have known better?  YES!
Will I know better next time?  YES!

Anyway lesson learned.  I’m gonna see her next week at another Meetup event, but please believe she WILL NOT be kicking it with me afterwards.  I've been shyt on by this bird enough to last a lifetime.