Interview with a Dog: Part IV - Two Down, One to Go

Shallow Hal:  "Yeah, I know.  I gotta tell this girl."

Uh, that's where I left off right? 

I know I'm dragging with posting but my last post shows that I had some big stuff on my mind.  I have been having some crazy bad thoughts and mind tripping over a lot of things.   I promised myself that this weekend I would post this even though I wrote it last week.  But I think I am about to do some real Spartan shyt.  Ain't about getting no man either.  It's about something else.  So I gotta get this caught up so I can write about my plan.  I'll be back tomorrow.

I promise I will.  Because this is big and time is of the essence.  It could blow up in my face.  It could do nothing at all.  I dunno, but I only get one life and I'm feeling strongly about it.

So back to our regular program.


Shallow Hal:  "Yeah, I know.  I gotta tell this girl."

Over the next few days he talked to me about who he should tell first, but on the real he really didn't know.  It was just all f*cked up because he waited so long.  From where I sat, I didn't see what difference it made anyway.  I mean it would make more sense to tell the woman that he was living with first.  I told him that ideally, he should have told Miss Caribbean BEFORE she got here to the States anyways.  That way she could have decided if she wanted to still come or not.  I also said that he should have told Miss New York when she first announced her pregnancy so she could have decided if she wanted to keep the baby or not.  GIVE THEM CHOICES SHALLOW HAL!!!!  CHOICES!!!  

But he robbed them. 

He was just going along, talking about baby names and what not all the while making like everything is cool when shyt wasn’t cool.  He was having all this baby planning talk KNOWING full well he was in a damn pickle.  But noooooo...he just waits and lets months and months go by, and got babies baking in ovens all over the damn globe.  Not saying shyt.  Letting these women believe all the sugary shyt he spews out of his mouth.  He controlled everything and robbed them of their right to make an informed decision about their futures.  Now they have no choice but to deal with it.  For a long azz time.  And  even though I was sitting on the side, it was affecting me too.  It was just fckd up.  

Then it dawned on me.  I began to learn what Shallow Hal’s style was when it came down to coming clean about something.  When he wants to let you know something, he likes to drop hints.  Like I outlined in my other post, the way I got the scoop about the situation was by putting together the pieces of the puzzles I had collected over time.  Miss New York and Miss Caribbean would eventually have to do the same thing. 

Here’s an example.  One day he called and told me that he told Miss Caribbean (well in his mind he did anyway.)

Shallow Hal:

"We are at home just sitting around playing and talking and what not.  Miss Caribbean and the kid and I are having a good time.  She makes me laugh.  Then I say to my little man, "Hey little man, how would you like to have a little sister or brother?"  Then Miss C says to me surprised, "Oh, you want more than two?"  Then I say, "I already have more than two."  Miss C pauses.  "You already have two?", and I tell her yes.  She stands quiet staring at me.  Then after a few minutes she looks at little man and thinks.  She then asks me if my other kid is older or younger than our toddler.  I just say, "I have another kid."  Miss C just stands and stares at me some more.  Then she asks, "Well what do you plan to do with this woman?"  As I start to answer she stops me.  "Never mind about the other woman, what do you plan to do with me?"  I said, "Who's here with me now?"  And she looks at me, and then goes in the kitchen to finish making dinner.  She says nothing else about it.”

Me:  She didn’t say anything else?  At all?

SH:  “ I dunno, she keeps a lot of stuff to herself I noticed.  She seems like a very private person.  You know, I really don’t even know this girl.  When we went to bed she was tossing and turning the whole night."

Me:  "And that's it?  That's what you call telling her?"

SH:  "Yeah.  And she was just looking at me.  Just looking."

You betta be glad that this voodoo worshipping chick didn't stab you in the back that night Mister Man.  And that was it.  That was how he revealed (or hinted at) that he had another kid. But the key thing with his cryptic response is that he made it sound as if the other kid was already here. 

“I have another kid.” 

A classic play on words which I had come to find out would be the Shallow Hal Way.  He plays professional poker and I think he uses strategies like bluffing and half-truths in his personal life.  At least that’s the way it seems to me.  But then again, it could be the other way around.  He was ALREADY good at bluffing and lying and consequently used those skills to become good at playing poker.  Yeah. That’s probably it.  I doubt you can learn to be a dog from playing cards.

And the funny thing is that when he told me about talking to Miss Caribbean, he was actually sounding RELIEVED!  I mean really? 

Me:  “You call that ‘telling’ her?”

SH: “What do you mean?  What’s wrong with what I said?”

Lawd have mercy.  What a blockhead.  I see now that he's just a six foot tall chicken and he brain washes himself with this logic he has about stuff.  He didn't hardly say shyt about the kid at all.  That’s just the way he is.  He never comes out and tells you anything.  He says just enough --- just enough ---to plant the seed, let you water and fertilize it on your own.  I mean once you figure stuff out he actually might start spilling the beans, but with him you never know. 

So back to the babies.  Miss New York ain't gettin' no better and he tells me that it annoys him to be around her.  He told me she looked bad and she was moping around looking miserable.  He hated being around her.  She is throwing up all the time and telling him that it is his fault that she is sick.  But things are getting more serious by the day, and even though she is only about 7.5 months pregnant, it looks like she might have to deliver early because her pressure is getting dangerously high.  The diagnosis:  preeclampsia.  When she goes to the hospital, she is in constant communication with SH, but strangely, he won't go to see her after the first time she goes there.  Being the martyr that she is, Miss New York is telling him to not come because she knows he is at work. I mean this chick is amazing!  Her blood pressure is 999 over 10 and she is still considering him in that moment.  I said to him that he still should go and see her anyway regardless of what she said.  But he wouldn't go.  No matter what I said.  

Me:  “The girl is sick.  This is her first child and she is probably nervous.  I don’t care if her sister is by her side or not, you need to go see her.”

SH:    "I'll go when I have to go."   

That’s all he would say.  Over and over.  And his azz did not go either.  He just got the updates on what was going on when she called him.  He might have gone over to the hospital the first time she went, but that was it????

Maybe it was because her family was coming there to be with her, and he didn't want to be around them.  Either feelin’ guilty or uncomfortable probably.  He said Miss New York had been criticized by her peeps for getting knocked up without being married or whatever, and they were doggin him out and sayin' he should marry her.  That it was a disgrace that she was having a child out of wedlock.  I think she felt ashamed. 

I dunno.  They can’t put it ALL on him though.  I’m sure she had her legs open voluntarily for him.  He told that in the past that New York would tell him during sex, “If you get me pregnant you’re gonna have to marry me.”  And his reply would always be the same, that he wasn’t the marrying type.  So at least in that regard in didn’t mislead her?  But when Miss New York told him that one of her uncles wanted to have a “talk with him” about his "intentions" about her and their baby, he was fire red mad! 

"Ain't nobody talking to me about shyt!  This is not our country!  That marriage shyt is not required if a woman gets pregnant!  I ain't gettin' married. 

Whatever mane.  Maybe he didn't want to risk running into that uncle at the hospital.  Maybe he was ashamed too? 

(to self)

Ashamed?  Shallow Hal?  Yeah right. 


Then there was his job.  He told his job that he was expecting a kid in December, but not with two women.  Mr. Vice President didn't want that to get around at work that he had two chicks due at the same time.  He couldn't drop the excuse of saying his baby momma was in the hospital because he would have to run that game twice.  They would be like, "Damn, didn't you just have a baby?"  It would raise too many eyebrows.  So he had to pick the girl who he was gonna bounce out of work for, and it was quite obvious that it wasn’t gonna be Miss New York.   Po' thang.  Even still, he should have taken his azz there though.  So any info and updates that SH got about the status of New York and her baby, was all gotten while he sat at his desk at work.  Until the hospital told her to stay off the phone eventually because her blood pressure was just too high.  Then there was silence.  He’s emailing me sounding all annoyed, "I don't know what's going on!"  Um, then why don't you take your azz over there muthafucca?  Instead he just goes home after work and waits to hear from Miss New York.  Like her being in the hospital with blood pressure high as hell and preggo at the same time was just normal shyt. 

Then boom.  That night New York has an emergency C-section and delivers a little girl.  When SH gets the call, it just so happened that it was on a Friday night so no missed work for him.  No explaining to the job why he has to take off or leave early.  Lucky bastard.  He jumps out of bed and tells Miss C, "I gotta go to New York to see my kid."  And he was gone.  He calls me on the phone on the way to the hospital and he sounds pretty happy.  I congratulated him.  He tells me that Miss C texted him and said “Good night.” 

I just thought to myself, "Wow."  I don't know who is sweeter (or more confused) - Miss C with her "Good night"  text when he bolted from the house, or Miss New York telling her boo to keep working and not come to the hospital to see her.  I wasn't saying that type of shyt though.  The only texts I would have been sending would have been, "You betta bring you azz back TO-NIGHT!"  Or "You can stay wherever you going.  Don't even think about coming back here punk."  I guess that's why he is sticking to chicks from his country because he knows how to choose the right prey.  In fact, after the last American woman he dealt with smashed up his car he said he had come to 'appreciate' the women from his country a lot more.  Hmmmm...I wonder why muthafucca?  Cuz you can run over they azzes easier?

And to prove my point ---- he stays in New York for the next two days.  When he returns Miss C is upset because she is 7.5 months pregnant herself and he didn't call once to check on her.  Not once. 

He texts me...

"Miss C is getting more and more frigid.  She texted me saying that she didn't want to know what I was doing because she didn't want to upset herself.  And then she turned the phone off."

And you're surprised?  I told him that he better be glad that frigid is all she is right now.  You just get up, pack a bag, and bounce saying that you need to check on the other kid.  Then you don't call or respond to her texts, and she is supposed to be warm and sunny when you bring your azz back?  Then you stroll in and ain't saying a word about where you been?  What do you expect her to be like?  Sheesh.  Sometimes I think he just delusional.

That first week after his baby girl was hectic of course.  The baby ain’t home because she is preemie who weighed only 4.5 pounds at birth and was a month and a half early.  Shallow Hal is making the visits to the hospital to see his new daughter.  Her being born early actually worked in their favor because they hadn’t bought shyt for the baby anyway.  In seven months they ain’t bought a bottle, diaper, bed….nothing.  I asked why she didn’t have a baby shower seeing that she wasn’t working and was sick.  Hal said she refused.  The chick didn’t want a baby shower because she was too embarrassed and/or too prideful to get ‘handouts’ or whatever for her baby.  Ooookkkkkaaayyyy?  People and their pride turn up at the strangest times.  That leaves it all up to him to get EVERYTHING cuz she didn’t have a friggin’ dime.   So after the hospital visits when the weekend came he stayed over to put together furniture, buy clothes, milk, diapers, etc.  He said Miss New York looked bad.  Really bad.

SH:  “Yo, you know how much money I’m spending?  And New York has the nerve to be picking out shyt like she a fuggin’ queen.  I told her that she looked like shyt too.  She was looking bad and walking all crazy slow when she gets out of the car.  I had to check her.”

I chuckled to myself as he bitched on the phone.  I told him that he better be careful how he talks to her because she was the one he feared would take him to court for child support.  How you gonna holler at the woman and tell her she looked like shyt, but yet you scared she gonna take you for child support?  Dumb.  I guess because he was dishing out all the cash and financing everything Miss New York just swallowed the insults. 

Back on the home front with Miss C, things are getting more tense every time he comes back from his overnights in New York.

Me:  “And you say that as if you’re surprised.”  I had to laugh.

SH does not respond.  Honestly I don't think he was suprised, it's just that NOW he couldn't walk away from it.  I don't think he liked that.  

THEN THE MOMENT OF TRUTH FINALLY CAME FOR MISS C.  One night when he returned home, he took Miss C to the grocery store right after he hit the door.  As they are driving she notices his wrist.  There is a bracelet on it from the hospital.  Clearly it is from the baby ward.

Miss C: "Where you in a hospital somewhere?"

SH looks down and quickly rips the bracelet off his arm.

"Yeah."  

He usually takes it off but forgot this time.  He couldn't lie now. The evidence as to where he has been is right there on his arm.  He says nothing else. 

Strangely, Miss C doesn't say anything else either.  She doesn’t ask anything else.  She just sat quietly in the car and stared at him all the way to the store. 

And this is how Miss C put two and two together.  Shallow Hal had hinted in earlier days that he had another kid, but never answered how old the kid was.  When she saw the hospital bracelet, she finally deduced that the kid was just born.  That meant Shallow Hal didn't have to say a damn thing.  The bracelet did all the talking for him. 

I guess that was a lucky break for Shallow Hal...somewhat.  She wakes him up in the middle of the night to talk about the child.  He didn’t tell me exactly what they talked about, but he did tell me that she started crying and locked herself in the downstairs bathroom.  She stayed in there for hours he said….sitting on the toilet.  Crying miserably.  Eight months pregnant with the second child of a man she is just now making realizations about. 

And she stayed in that bathroom.  Crying and crying.  Until the wee hours of the morning.

Over him.

My heart sank when he told me that.  And I felt so awful.  I really, really did.
---------------------------------------------------------------

Aight.  So that's two down:  Me and Miss C. 

Miss New York......You're next.

Now it's your turn to be Sherlock Homegirl.

And as for me, why was I still around?  Like I said I wanted to hear the story so I just played the game to get him to talk.  I was so caught up that I wanted to know what was going on, but the whole shyt was messing with my brain at the same time.  I started to tell Kim about it but eventually she didn't want to hear about it anymore.  I mean she would get like ANGRY when I would tell her the stories and yell at me not to tell her another word.  I was talking to the therapist about it, but I only get like 45 minutes to talk to her twice a month.  I had to release it.  To get it off my mind I started to blog about it.  Is it helping?  I think so.  I got a not so pleasant message from a reader on the private email.  I was questioned about my decision as to why I was dealing with Shallow Hal.  Hey, I think I explained that in the first installment regarding this man.  I did write back to that person however and said that I don't write my personal shyt to have to come back and defend it.  I don't write it to entertain other people which was another point  mentioned in that email.  This shyt ain't hardly entertaining.  What's here is real life.  People do a lot of things that may not make sense to someone else.  But this is reality.  My reality.  It's what is going on with me and I ain't fronting like I'm a saint or an angel because I.AM.NOT.  If you wouldn't do what I do, or don't like the way I roll...hey it's all groovy.  I always say that reading this blog is certainly optional.


:)

And that's all I'm gonna say about that. 

Would You Send This?

Would you send this to someone that just shitted on you?  I'm debating if I should.  It could make me look crazy, but after reading this, do you really think I give a fck right now?  I know it's long and I don't care if he reads all of it; just the fact that I sent it might make me feel better?  In a city of 10 million people, I would probably never see him again anyway and who would he tell?  We don't know the same people.  So why not?  Hell, after Whitney Houston died I'm like why keep shyt bottled up?  Life is too short.

As much as I hate to continue my rant, I want to say that I blame myself.  Apparently I have had some warped fixation on your dick and your mouth action and it caused me to give you passes that no other man I have dealt with has gotten in over 10 years.  I usually walk away pretty quickly once I see rigidity in a man, especially men close to 40.  But yanno, if I were you, I would do the same thing that you did to me.  It feels good to think you have power and control over someone.  Mess with their head and say sugary shit and smile to keep them on the hook when you really don’t give a fck.  I do it all the time.  Few people want to be around someone they can walk and fck over like that on a serious tip, and that made me unattractive to you.  I can relate to that 100%.  I have dropped guys that I felt I could walk over myself.  So I blame myself for how I let you treat me. I have no problem saying that, and I will always hate myself for it. 

But…not as much as I hate you though.  You’re a monster. 

I have said that you seem to be an intelligent guy, but you’re dumb at the same time.  Dumb in knowing how to deal with a woman outside of a physical relationship.  Dumb in the game of love, like, friends with benefits.  Just dumb in all facets of dealing with women.  Unless someone has given you a reason Tin Man, a damn good reason, there is nothing to gain from shitting on people. 

But u can’t help it.  You have a personality disorder and are low-functioning when it comes to personal relationships.  A bit of NPD is mixed in there too.  You fail at intimacy.  You fail at openness.  The porn you watch is about objectification and devaluing feelings in women, which is typical of someone who has Narcisstic Personality Disorder.  You make a big deal out of little shit like calling a female because you can’t stand the thought of doing something nice.  You let me contribute money to shit when we went out (my standard test for cheap azzes), even though it was your damn idea to go out.  Totally clueless on how to function on a date.  Punk shit.  You seem to romanticize the time in your life where u seemed to be the most uncaring towards women.  Taking revenge on women’s hearts because of bullshit that happened to you as a teen.  Maybe you felt that your feelings were most protected during this time and you decided to roll with that mindset.  But what have u really gained from that besides a narcissistic attitude?  You think because you are 43 you are a grown azz man, but you have a mentality of a twenty year old.  I have tried to see the positive in you and look past your flaws, but all I see is ugliness now.  Looks fade, and your character has now become your face.   You are the ugliest man I have ever met in my life and I will never, ever forgive you for the way you have acted towards me. 

If your child's mother hates you, I bet it's because you doubted her when she was pregnant and you were a complete asshole to her.  That story about how she didn't tell u she was pregnant but then she resented u bc you moved on doesn't even make sense?  She named the kid after you but yet didn't tell you she was pregnant?  Bullshyt.  You have a temper and probably said the most awful things, ignored her, and let her down to the point where she now has low tolerance for your bullshit.  Maybe she expected you to change after the baby was born, and by time you got the paternity test done the woman was done with you.  How long do you think people will put up with your dickly ways?  Whatever "disdain" and "disgust" you say she shows in her face towards you I'm sure you earned it. 

You will never change.  You’re a true narcissistic asshole and you’re destined for a fkd up life.  What you think is working truly is not.  If women always despise you after dealing with you what does that indicate?  I don’t usually deal with dudes that haven’t been married or without kids because they are usually fkn crazy.  I run from muthafuccas like you honestly.  But I guess I just didn't accept that you could really be THAT awful, and I gave you the benefit of the doubt.  I wanted to believe in you.  I tried putting you in all kinds of boxes trying to make you ‘fit’ somehow in my life.  But you always, always succeed in fcking it up.  What you were was right there in my face, and I just kept entertaining the abuse.  Why the fck did I do that only heaven knows. 

Saturday I couldn't meet anyway and I knew you wouldn't call.  I knew you wouldn't meet me yesterday either.  The same bullshit.  Then you blame the kid’s mom about not contacting me?  WTF?  So ridiculous and laughable.  If you met someone that’s fine but be a man a say that's what's up.  I’d rather you do that than play the passive-aggressive game like some punk.  When we were fkn things went to another level, but clearly the universe didn’t allow a seed to grow because it knew I didn’t deserve a life sentence dealing with you.  Thank goodness I dodged that bullet.  I’m bruised, but I get to say goodbye and never have to talk to you again.  So for that reason alone, I am the luckiest woman in the world.  You just better hope that the woman is not the type that will turn the kid against you.  Now she is in control, and I bet that shit is killing you right now.  Finally, someone has the upper hand on your azz and you gotta stay in line.  Show your azz; you don’t see the kid.  It’s that simple.  Good for her.

Damn I tried.  I tried my hardest NOT to be the Angry Black Woman that men love speaking about.  Like we are just this way for no muthafuccin reason???  But over and over and over again you stomp on me, so how else am I supposed to feel?  So fck the stereotype and congratulations to you for making me ANGRY.  And I am allowed to be that because YOU drove me to this point after 1.5 years of your shyt.  YOU.

I wish I never met you.  You’re the worst thing that has happened to me in a long, long time and you make me sick.  You’re the only man I can say that I have felt this way about and that’s pretty sad because I am a pretty easy going woman.  You are a total and complete zero.  Outside of having some good dyck and mouth action, you were a total WASTE.OF.MY.TIME. 

 

But on the positive, I take this experience as a lesson!  Never again will I let anyone, man or woman, make me feel like shit again.  I’d rather be dead.

You will always be remembered as a crazy, lost, heartless bastard.  MR. TIN MAN.  A special title that you, and you alone, will forever have in my mind. 

Would you send this? Or something like this?

I hope some fellas respond. 

And this is not about Shallow Hal. 

Interview with a Dog: Part III - How Does He Do It?

I went back and read the last excerpt that I wrote.  Whew.  It's nuts to read about it just as much as it is to be actually be in the situation.  This thing with Shallow Hal is liking watching one of those Lifetime movies that scare the shyt out of people.  


I'm gonna break this up into two parts.  I already wrote it out but this post was too long and I think I will scare someone away when they see all the words.  I'll post it later this week. 

Anyway let's continue...

The days pass.  Shallow Hal is telling me about all of his drama with these two babies coming.  In fact, we are always talking about him.  He don't wanna know shyt about anyone else honestly.  All we ever talk about is him and his women, his kids, his job, his shyt. 

But one day I had to ask about me.  I wanted to know why did he need me when his hands were full already?

"If you have two women pregnant and due within days of each other, why in the world were you online looking for other women and corresponding with me?"

"Because Miss Carribean was in her country, and Miss New York lives out on Long Island and I only see her on weekends.  So I needed a Jersey piece during the week."

"You needed a Jersey piece", I repeated robotically.


That was all I could fix my mouth to say as we sped along in his Range Rover.   He needed a Jersey piece?   I'm the Jersey piece.  JP aka Just P*ssy.  Wow, what a title.  I guess I was at a loss for words because had never been around anyone so nonchalant about f*cking around like he did.  In my mind I had already figured that I was around because Miss New York was pregnant and was sick and couldn't and/or wouldn't f*ck, and the other one wasn't here yet from their country.  So that's what he was looking for, some Interim Azz to tide him over until at least Miss Caribean landed to give him some pregnant coochie.  So yep, I was the Seat Filler!  But like I said, I was getting what I wanted and I rolled with the plan.  He has his needs and I had mine.  I guess I could appreciate his honesty, but his blatant, "in your face"  forthrightness with it sometimes knocked me down on the ground.  It was still hard to swallow even though I knew what was going on.  I still would have to pick myself up after hearing alla that honesty.  When I got over the shock and I thought I was steady on my feet again, he would tell me more shyt and even more f*cked up stories from his past that I would just get knocked down again.  

And again. 

And again. 

I guess men are more built to hear this type of doggery, but I try my hardest to not be disgusted by it because I want him to keep talking to me.  And the more I listened to it, I saw how he has really convinced himself and conditioned his mind into thinking that what he does is okay.  He will say stuff like, "It's normal for a man", or "All men from my country do this", or "If I bring more to the table in the relationship I get a pass."  When he makes these statements you can see in his face that he really believes the shyt.  He has explained the wrongness, sneakiness, and low-downess all away and made it sound like normal, everyday shyt.  He even made the statement that all men have been with a prositute at least once in their lives because he has done it.  So it's funny that he will call himself a cheater and a dog, but he will always, always, always says something like ....

"I'm a dog, but I'm a dog with a warm heart." 

Arrogant azz.

And then he smiles at himself every time he says it too.  A sinister, prideful smile as if to credit himself on that fact that even though he will have other women, he is man enough to reveal his shortcomings.  He is the warm-hearted dog that will treat you nicely and buy you things.  He will give you attention and make you feel so fine.  Compliment you up and down and all around.  Make you think that you are the sassiest, finest thang walking this side of the Mississippi.  When he's with you he will wine you, dine you, and say sweet things.  Take you on trips and you never have to pay for anything.  To him, doing all of this 'other' stuff is what gives him the warm heart, but yet sticking his warm d*ck in two or three other chicks at the same time is not being cold.  He has thoroughly brainwashed himself.

I've learned something else too.  Since being around him, Shallow Hal knows how to play the gigilo game.  He knows how to dog you without you feeling like you're actually being dogged.  I guess what I mean is that you won't feel like you are second or third string with him.  He will call you everyday.  He will initiate dates.  He will pay for things without blinking even once about it.  He's not a cheap azz nor does he throw it back in your face what he does for you.  HE GIVES YOU ATTENTION.  And as long as he is doing all of that, with that big sinister grin on his face, women will willingly give up the azz. 

Like I did.

(taps finger on desk and thinks to self)

Ah whatever about me anyways...let's just get back to the story. 

So now that I know about these babies are coming, the 411 on the situation is flowing out of him like a waterfall.  And I'm just listening and asking questions, and thinking about blogging about it everytime he starts talking.  He even asked me once, "Are you writing about me or something?"

Gasp! 

"Nah baby.  I'm just asking questions.  I got better shyt to write about."

(Um, no I don't!  Giggle. )

We are talking about two chicks here so lemme start with the one he was most worried about -- Miss New York.  And funny, he wasn't worried about her finding out that he brought another chick over to the US at the same time he was doing her.  Not at all.  It was more about child support.  Having to pay up for putting his d*ck in the wrong place at the wrong time.  He was just talking about it over and over and over.  He was afraid that she would file for child support in the courts, and given what he makes and the required percentage mandated by the state, he was looking at paying $1700 a month.  He said with his expenses it would crush him, and he already had one broke azz Celie at home.  Miss New York wasn't working because she was throwing up every single day and losing weight.  She wouldn't file for public aid because she didn't want to mess things up with the government in case she wanted to sponsor one of her peeps to come from her country.  Apparently she thought that the government would think that she was a lazy bum if she asked for public assistance.  She worries that when she did get on her feet and asked if she could bring one of her peeps over, she thinks that the government would say, "No mama!  You were pregnant and was getting free shyt, so we ain't bringing no one else over here like you to milk us like you did."  So she wouldn't get public aid.  Ok cool.  Now of course all this sounded utterly ridiculous to me and to Shallow Hal, but that's the way she wanted to roll.  That meant Shallow Hal had to start helping her out when she couldn't work anymore because she was preggo with his kid.   On top of the fact that she was getting cranky and blaming him for her condition all during the pregnancy, he started to get scared about giving up $1700 every month to child support.  So everyday, he's talking about how much he is gonna give her to me.   That's all that's on his mind and he is scared to death of child support court.  More about that another time.

Miss New York's condition is getting worse and worse.  Miss Carribean is here but he still has to go to New York to check in her.  But he calls himself "warning" Miss Caribbean before she got here that he won't be home on weekends.

Me:  "How did you just tell her you won't be around on weekends?  So what did she say to that?"

SH:  "What can she say?"

He is so controlling and hates when I say that to him.  But he is.

Things get worse and Miss New York is getting more and more sick, and she is taken to the emergency room a few times.  SH now has to make some trips over there during the week now in addition to the weekend. 

"And what do you say when you leave suddenly like that?"

SH:  "I say I gotta take care of something in New York and I grab my duffle bag and leave."

"That's it?  And what does she say?"

SH:  "She just stands there staring at me and watches me walk out of the door."

"You seriously just say, "I gotta go" and that's it?"

SH:  "Yeah."

"And when do you come back?"

SH:  "The next evening."

"THE NEXT DAY?   So you're spending the night over there?  In the chick's bed?!!!  And ole girl is 7.5 months pregnant too, with a toddler at home, and can't speak a word of English?  And you leaving her by herself in West Hell?"

SH:  (frustrated)  "I'm not driving all the way back home after going over there.  It's too far."

"Soooooo.  IT's still not cool.  Do you at least say when you will be back?"

Sh:  "Not always."

"But that's crazy!  How you gonna sleep over with Miss New York and then not tell the lady at home that you won't be back that night."

SH:  "She will figure out that I'm not coming back when she sees that I'm bringing an overnight bag with me."

"You have got to be kidding?  Is that how she gets informed?  Through visual f*ckin' props?  So by just seeing you pack this damn duffle bag that's how you tell her?  And then you just leave?"

SH:  "Yeah."

(what a chicken!)

"Um, eventually you gonna have to tell her why you're leaving out like that.  I can't imagine anyone that will keep letting that fly."

SH:  "Yeah, I know.  I gotta tell this girl."

And it really seemed like he wanted to honestly.  I could see it in his face.  He had to.  Shyt was getting crazy because Miss New York was about to pop at any minute.  Lucky for him too, because she was due in the same month as Miss Caribbean at first.  So instead of the SAME month he would have had two kids being born, it will go to like within 45 days of each other now.

I guess that is a little better and less scandalous right???  That's sad to even have to look at it like that.

More later.

Interview with a Dog: Part Two - "The Situation"

 

"My situation is complicated.”

After I saw the baby crib in his room, Shallow Hal started to come over to my place instead.  I guess he didn’t want me asking anything else huh?  But he didn’t have to do all that because I didn’t think too much more about it after that honestly.  I was getting attention and the d*ck I wanted so I was like whatever. 

“My situation is complicated.”

Even though I had let it go, Shallow Hal was saying this more and more now in our communication with each other.  But each time I would ask what the situation was, he would just say “Don’t worry about it” or “I don’t feel like getting into it.”

Ok muthafucca.

The less I know the better I always say.  So I didn’t push the issue or keep asking him about anything about that damn baby crib I saw.   I just decide to enjoy his company and leave it that.  I needed him for pleasure purposes and not stress anyway, and I wasn’t gonna stress myself over some other chick or his kid.  I was just going to enjoy my time, because in the back of my mind something was telling me that my days were numbered anyway.

“My situation is complicated.”

Here we go again.  He keeps saying this over the next week so, and I feel he is getting close to talking.  I ask.  He clams up.  At first I was interested in knowing, but after a couple times of this I’m starting not to give a f*ck.  I mean really.  Spill it damn it!  Quit coming to the diving board if you ain’t ready to jump yet.

So one Sunday he is at my crib and we are just chatting about whatever. 

“My situation is complicated.”  Now I can see the strain in his face when he says it.  

“What is so complicated?  You wanna tell me about it?” 

SH:  “No.”

Me:  “Ok then.”  I go back in the kitchen and continue dealing with my chicken tacos.

I bring the food in the living room, and then we chat about random stuff.  Then all of a sudden he asks me, “Have you wondered why I haven’t invited you to my house lately?”

Me: “Nah not really.”  And I hadn’t wondered about it.  It wasn’t like I had asked to go over there recently so why would I.

Still I could see something in his face.  He wanted to me to figure it out.  So I looked into his face and searched for the answer.  I thought about the baby crib again.  I thought about this 15 month old kid coming from his country and who the baby must have been coming here with.  I hadn’t even run that part through my mind yet.  Damn I’m dense sometimes.  Then I thought about why he said he had to go to New York every weekend to visit his girlfriend too.

Then it came to me.

“Is the girl in New York pregnant?”

“Yes.”

(Silence.  Ok that answers the New York question.)

“Is your kid here from your country?”

“Yes.”

“Is his mother here too?”

“Yes.”

Again, in my mind’s eye I see that crib in his bedroom.

“Is she pregnant too?”

“Yes.”

Boom.  There it was.  THAT WAS HIS COMPLICATED SITUATION. 

I just stared in disbelief.  Two women pregnant at the same time?  I start to do the math. 

“When is the girl in New York having her baby?”

 “December.”

“And when is the girl in your house having her baby?”

(pause)

SH:  “DECEMBER.”

Oh well, so much for doing the math.  There was nothing to calculate here at all. 

“Are you serious?  Both these chicks are due in the same month?”

Shallow Hal just sat silent with this stupid look on his face.

But it probably wasn't more stupid looking than the expression on my face I bet. 

For a few seconds I was silent too.  I thought I could only hear this type of drama on The Maury Show, but never did I think I would have a dude in that kind of mess sitting right here in my damn living room! 

Am I dreaming?  This is a 43 year old man who has two chicks pregnant at the same time.  I know he said he wanted kids but dayum.  Why was he so reckless with it?  And then he went international lover with it too because one was in another country and the other one was here in the U.S.

Then to make matters worse, he is on an online dating site looking for more azz just three months ago.  (Insert my pic here)

Why me?  Arrgghhhhh!

But suprisingly I don’t get mad.  Honestly, I didn't feel mad or pissed.  I kept my cool and just wanted to understand how a man like him could get in this situation.   His explanation was that he sexed New York right before he went on vacation to his country to visit his kid.  (Funny though, he has been dating the chick three years and had a kid while kicking it with her and she didn't know shyt about it.) Then he got it in with Miss Caribbean before returning home.  Bam.  She's knocked up a second time.

SH:" Miss Caribbean called me up so happy.  Then a few days later New York tells me she is pregnant too."

Me:  “Dude, you gonna have to let me go then.”  I said as I gripped my pillow and looked down to the floor.

SH: “I understand if you don’t want to see me again.”

I had no response because I was still taking it all in.  He can't handle three women in two states and three babies.  I guess that six figure salary wasn't gonna be so wonderful after all this news. 

Eyes still fixated to the floor, I asked him again what was he gonna do.  He tells me that neither of the chicks knew about each other (of course).  One lives out on Long Island, and one lives in Jersey with him!  And their toddler.  He didn't know what to do or how to tell either one of them. 

Crazy.  Just crazy.  I ask a few more questions and get a little background. 

Miss Caribbean is 32 years old.  Doesn’t speak English.  Never worked or earned money.  Has some school beyond high school.  He got her here on a spouse visa in which by 90 days he is supposed to marry her so she can stay here.

“Damn she must be superfine for you to be doing all this for her!"

“Believe it or not she’s not that fine.  I am doing this for my kids, not for her.", he calmly said.

"So you getting married?”

"I ain’t getting married either.  I just feel some kind of loyalty to her because she is the mother of my first kid.  That's it."

“Does she think you’re gonna marry her though?”

“Of course she does.”

“Then how is she gonna stay in the U.S. if you don’t marry her?”

“As long as she is on a visa I don't give a f*ck, but I ain’t getting married.”

Wow what an azz.

Then his phone starts ringing.  It’s Miss Caribbean.  I don’t understand what he is saying because he is talking in his language.  When he hangs up he tells me that she was asking how to use the stove.   Apparently, in her country, she never saw a stove or used one before.  He said she is from the country.  Like so fuggin’ country that she sometimes had to take a bath outside and has no electricity when it turns dark outside.  She called because she wanted to cook and needed to know how to turn the stove on.

Say what?  Hold up. 

You are a six figure VP with a college degree.  And you’re with this gal?  And you say she is not that fine?  Then why in the world did you hook up with a chick like this and bring her here?

“Because I turned 40 and wanted kids really bad.  It was planned though.  I knew her already from years ago.”

Yeah right.  After some days I come to find out that story was some bullshyt.  He couldn't keep the lie straight.  “Planned” my azz.  Yeah he knew of her, and she graduated to becoming his vacation jumpoff the last few times he came to his country recently.  So it wasn’t no damn ‘planning’ with that shyt.   People kill me trying to make pregnancy accidents sound like some movie romance shyt.  He was f*cking her and just decided to splash off instead of pulling out.  That is about the extent of that so called ‘planning’.  He was having a moment about his desire to have kids and just rolled with this chick cuz she was there.   His desire to be a pappy clouded his common sense apparently.  Ok so you really want a kid, but why knock up an uneducated chick in another country?  Then you can’t even see the kid because you live here in the U.S.?  Huh?  And you trying to be a dad?  All of it makes ZERO sense.

Then he goes back and impregnates her a second time because he wanted two kids, not just one.

But now he will have three.  A bonus kid coming in the same month.

Now as for the chick in New York getting her pregnant was a mistake, if you wanna call it that.  He says he didn’t think she could get pregnant because he had been sexing her for years and she never got pregnant.  He didn’t think she could get pregnant.

But wait, there was this one time…when she miscarried.

Sigh.  Ok So why in the fck would you think she couldn’t get pregnant sir?  If she did get pregnant once before.  You sound like a 15 year old.  For real.

(As I type it's just too much to think about.  I’m gonna have to end this soon for today.  Whew.  )

I get a little background on New York.  She is 36 and is also from his country (hmmmm interesting).  She has been here for a few years and has her citizenship, can speak English, and can even work a stove.  He met her here in the U.S when she was waitressing at a restaurant.  She became his side chick when he was breaking up with his fiancee.  Then he goes on to say the chick in New York ain’t worked in six months because she has been throwing up every single day of her pregnancy.  Every single day.   Losing weight.  Can’t eat.  Can’t work.  No money.  No unemployment.  Wouldn’t  file for public assistance for whatever crazy reason she had on top of that.  So now he has TWO BROKE CHICKS to cover for?  One that can’t speak English or work, and the other that can’t work because she is sick with your baby inside of her.   

"So what are you gonna do?", I ask again.

He talks more and more.  And I sit there and listen to this crazy azz story while he is sitting on my couch, in his damn underwear.  Freshly f*cked.  By me.  Is this a dream?

Then my mind wanders.  How in the world is he gonna work full time, run over to New York to check in on sick Preggo #1, leave Preggo #2 at his house with a toddler alone and she fresh off the boat?  And try to keep me around too?  And when these babies come?  What is he gonna do then?  Better yet, what am I gonna do????????????????

He was right.  It was a situation.  A real f*cked up situation.   And by telling me about it I get sucked up in it.  NOTE TO SELF:  The less you know the better.  I f*cked up and forgot that critical rule.  It's like watching a reality show.  Once you start, you can't stop.

And the story didn't stop  there.  Days and weeks pass and I hear more and more about the madness, and I get more and more sucked in to the vortex.  And yet I was still in the picture.  Still f*cking him.

I guess I hung around because it was all too crazy and I wanted to see how the shyt was gonna work out too.  Did I have to screw him to find this out?  No.  But he is just so charming that I...I...gave in.

Through Facebook, a bracelet, and his cell phone his sharade would finally come to an end, and eventually the two chicks figure out that something wasn't right in Whoville.

But what was interesting is when New York figured it all out, what she did in my opinion,

was un-fuggin’-believable.

Ok I'm spent.  I'll come back to this later.  I need a drink.

Interview with a Dog: Intro

For two months I have been talking about writing this series, Interview with a Cock Sucker, but I just chickened out on the title.  What's a cock sucker anyways?   One internet dictionary said:

Cock sucker - "A low and despicable male."

Bingo.  Yeah that pretty much describes Shallow Hal in a nutshell.    

But still, my head wasn't quite in that space because I would have to be mad as hell to call him (or any man for that matter) a cock sucker.  Plus the word "cock"...COCK... just doesn't flow from my lips right anyway.   Now if I say "motherfucca"  that's different.  That flows more naturally for me because I can say that and still be sexy.   But I have gotten to know the brutha a little more and I think calling him a cock sucker now is a bit harsh.  So as dramatic and as juicy as that title might have been, I'm gonna have to say goodbye to it for now.  Now of course someone that starts to read this may think the title IS deserving, and I can dig it if they do.  That's cuz sometimes he is a cock sucker to others.  A muthafucca.  An awful womanizer.  He can be controlling, loud, and a big bully.   Is he all of these things to me?  Maybe not so much.  But to some of the women in his life...it's crazy.

Anyhow, the title came to me last night when he said he was a dog.  Not in a bragging type of way though; it was said as simply and plainly as if he had told me his social security number.  Like he knew he had a problem and it wasn't a big deal.  Ok bruh.  Since you called it like that, I'll use your self-proclaimed title to name this series then.   So that means I didn't name him; he named himself.  And that's that.  

(rubs chin thinking)

He said he was a dog and didn't even blink.  Sooooo...why am I f*ckin' with him again? 

(rubs chin again.  pauses.)


To myself...."Is that a hair?  Didn't I pluck that just the other day?  Damn, I can't keep up with these muthafuccas!"

Anyway..why do I hang with Shallow Hal?  Because he's a charmer.  He's handsome.  Strong.  A foreign born man from the Caribbean who carved out a life here and is now a six figure executive.  And did I mention that he looks sooo hot in a suit?  I loooove men in suits!  He is generous and not a cheap azz.  Talkative, funny, and goal oriented.  Lived alone, never married, and told me he has two kids in his home country.   He said that they were ages 4 and 7. 

Anyway I already described our first meeting in the post Cock Blocker so I'm not gonna get into that again.   But I never did a scorecard on him though, so here it is: 

Overall, not too shabby on the scores except for the feet.  LOL.  He can't be boyfriend potential though because he is a career cheater, but I guess I kinda like him a little.  Well most of the time anyway. :/ Sometimes I really do dig him and his generosity; other times I can't believe how he is towards people.   I guess I kick it with him because he knows how to play the game when it comes to dealing with multiple women.  He pays attention to me, calls me, takes me out, and says sweet sugary things.  He knows how to make you feel important and that's a skill SINGLE DATING MAN or A ONE WOMAN man can't even figure out.  They will take you for granted, tell you that they are busy all the time or gotta work, or see their kids or whatever; and have you sitting around for days/weeks waiting on them to see you or call you.  So dumb.  I don't know how Shallow Hal manages it all but he does. 

The story is long so I have to break it up in parts.  It is a little bit of everything too - sad, mean, funny, and at times incomprehensible.  I have been seeing him for about 3-4 months but I have seen and heard quite a bit.  Yeah, he's a dog and I'll probably get chewed out on the blog for even dealing with him in the first place, but I don't care.  I'm grown and I do what I wanna do.  There are no rules.  I follow the rules I wanna follow. 

So enough of the buildup and onto the story.  He is known on this blog as Shallow Hal.

I met him online.   We emailed each other for maybe two weeks off and on, but my spidey sense started tingling after I picked up that he would only talk about meeting me during the week.  So then I asked him about his weekend availablity and he replied, "I usually go to New York." 

Me:  Really.  What part of New York?

SH:  Long Island. 

(insert side eye).  I know he's not partying on Long Island so WTF is he going all the way there for from Jersey???  Hmmm.

Me:  Are you seeing someone out there?

(pause)

SH:  I have a friend out there.

Me:  Interesting.  Is she just a friend to you but does she consider you to be her man?

(pause)

SH:  Yeah, she probably does.

I KNEW IT, but at least I knew before I met his azz.  He is telling me right out of the starting gate that he has somebody.  His profile did say casual relationship too so the pieces were starting to fit together.  Aight, should I give him credit for being honest?  Maybe.  If I hadn't asked I don't think he would have volunteered the info....so maybe not.  Whatever.  The point is I knew the deal and can make the decision if I wanted to keep going with him.  

SIDE NOTE:  Actually I am finding that more guys that I meet are starting to do this in the early stages of talking to me.  I think these are the cheating ones who finally got tired of the drama that comes in the aftermath of running game on side pieces.  So his so-called "honesty' actually puts him in a better position, because if he has to take a call from his girl he can do it right in front of you, or tell you that he is going to see her so that he is not hiding anything.  Now of course, he is deceiving his main girl, but trying to deceive multiple women, especially ones you ain't committed to, is just messy and kinda stupid truthfully. The guys that tell you the shyt after hooking up with you are punk muthafuccas.  Chickens.  If you make it plain that you see other people upfront it lets the female decide if she wants to be on her way or stick around.  That way ain't nobody's feelings really hurt cuz things were put on the table early.  And if she gets caught up then well...she already knew the deal.  I think that is very fair.  Now can I come out and be all honest like this?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  But because of the double standard that exists in this world against women you may not get the 'kudos' for being open like a man can.  I just say, 'I date' and let dudes take it from there.

So there it was.  I knew he had somebody before we even met, but to me that wasn't all that bad.  And for whatever reason, I decided to keep going even though I had not laid eyes on him yet.  In my mind I said he could go into the friend zone because the dialogue was interesting over the email.  I was intrigued.  He sounded like a cocky muthafucca, and some emails were so tense that he was starting to annoy me.  But for some reason I just had to see who this guy was.  Maybe it was the fact that I knew he had some high position at  his job.  I mean he sounded like he was boring and watched sports all the time.  He sounded judgmental too.  Not my style.  But something in my mind turned into pure curiosity and that is why I decided to meet him anyway.  I already had it my head that I wasn't gonna like him. 

The first date was described on the Cock Blocker post.  The second date was waaay better, but I smelled some signs of bossiness/inconsideration though.  Like for example, I TOTALLY HATE when I go on a date with a guy and the waitress asks if either of us wants a dessert and the guy replies “No” without asking me whether I did or not.  Especially when they are paying for the date.  It’s not like I want the damn dessert, but don’t be answering for me!  I’m a grown woman and can answer for myself.  I dunno but doing that move just burns my azz.  I think it is soooo inconsiderate but it seems that some dudes are totally clueless about this.  I just keep quiet and take the mental note, and deduct points off the scorecard when I get home.   

But even with that move, I was still feeling him.  He was looking all big and sexy so it didn't take too long for us to start kissing and doing 'whatever else'.  Giggle.  Like I always say, there are no rules.  His d*ck action was decent.  Looked aiight naked too.  Loves applying lubricant during sex though...like repeatedly?  I usually don't require that okay?  (wink)  I don't think even a 75 year old would use as much lubricant as he does.  For real.  I have never seen anyone use it in such large doses in my life!  Makes me think he got d*ck burn on somebody's dry coochie back in the days.  Or does he think his d*ck is that f*ckin' gargantuan?  Maybe I will ask him next time.   

After that we communicated literally everyday and I visited a few times.  Once I came over and we started messing around in the living room.  Usually we would take things upstairs but this time he wasn’t doing that.  I suggest to go upstairs and he says, ‘I like staying downstairs.”  Alarm.  I knew something was up with that response, but I just let it pass.  I figure I'll get my d*ck first and then if i remember later I'll ask about it.  But things are heating up even more and this couch ain't working, so we start to go up the stairs to his bedroom.  I go in his room, skirt down around my ankles, and then BAM....