Saturday, January 7, 2012

Interview with a Dog: Intro

For two months I have been talking about writing this series, Interview with a Cock Sucker, but I just chickened out on the title.  What's a cock sucker anyways?   One internet dictionary said:

Cock sucker - "A low and despicable male."

Bingo.  Yeah that pretty much describes Shallow Hal in a nutshell.    

But still, my head wasn't quite in that space because I would have to be mad as hell to call him (or any man for that matter) a cock sucker.  Plus the word "cock"...COCK... just doesn't flow from my lips right anyway.   Now if I say "motherfucca"  that's different.  That flows more naturally for me because I can say that and still be sexy.   But I have gotten to know the brutha a little more and I think calling him a cock sucker now is a bit harsh.  So as dramatic and as juicy as that title might have been, I'm gonna have to say goodbye to it for now.  Now of course someone that starts to read this may think the title IS deserving, and I can dig it if they do.  That's cuz sometimes he is a cock sucker to others.  A muthafucca.  An awful womanizer.  He can be controlling, loud, and a big bully.   Is he all of these things to me?  Maybe not so much.  But to some of the women in his's crazy.

Anyhow, the title came to me last night when he said he was a dog.  Not in a bragging type of way though; it was said as simply and plainly as if he had told me his social security number.  Like he knew he had a problem and it wasn't a big deal.  Ok bruh.  Since you called it like that, I'll use your self-proclaimed title to name this series then.   So that means I didn't name him; he named himself.  And that's that.  

(rubs chin thinking)

He said he was a dog and didn't even blink.  Sooooo...why am I f*ckin' with him again

(rubs chin again.  pauses.)

To myself...."Is that a hair?  Didn't I pluck that just the other day?  Damn, I can't keep up with these muthafuccas!"

Anyway..why do I hang with Shallow Hal?  Because he's a charmer.  He's handsome.  Strong.  A foreign born man from the Caribbean who carved out a life here and is now a six figure executive.  And did I mention that he looks sooo hot in a suit?  I loooove men in suits!  He is generous and not a cheap azz.  Talkative, funny, and goal oriented.  Lived alone, never married, and told me he has two kids in his home country.   He said that they were ages 4 and 7. 

Anyway I already described our first meeting in the post Cock Blocker so I'm not gonna get into that again.   But I never did a scorecard on him though, so here it is: 

Overall, not too shabby on the scores except for the feet.  LOL.  He can't be boyfriend potential though because he is a career cheater, but I guess I kinda like him a little.  Well most of the time anyway. :/ Sometimes I really do dig him and his generosity; other times I can't believe how he is towards people.   I guess I kick it with him because he knows how to play the game when it comes to dealing with multiple women.  He pays attention to me, calls me, takes me out, and says sweet sugary things.  He knows how to make you feel important and that's a skill SINGLE DATING MAN or A ONE WOMAN man can't even figure out.  They will take you for granted, tell you that they are busy all the time or gotta work, or see their kids or whatever; and have you sitting around for days/weeks waiting on them to see you or call you.  So dumb.  I don't know how Shallow Hal manages it all but he does. 

The story is long so I have to break it up in parts.  It is a little bit of everything too - sad, mean, funny, and at times incomprehensible.  I have been seeing him for about 3-4 months but I have seen and heard quite a bit.  Yeah, he's a dog and I'll probably get chewed out on the blog for even dealing with him in the first place, but I don't care.  I'm grown and I do what I wanna do.  There are no rules.  I follow the rules I wanna follow. 

So enough of the buildup and onto the story.  He is known on this blog as Shallow Hal.

I met him online.   We emailed each other for maybe two weeks off and on, but my spidey sense started tingling after I picked up that he would only talk about meeting me during the week.  So then I asked him about his weekend availablity and he replied, "I usually go to New York." 

Me:  Really.  What part of New York?

SH:  Long Island. 

(insert side eye).  I know he's not partying on Long Island so WTF is he going all the way there for from Jersey???  Hmmm.

Me:  Are you seeing someone out there?


SH:  I have a friend out there.

Me:  Interesting.  Is she just a friend to you but does she consider you to be her man?


SH:  Yeah, she probably does.

I KNEW IT, but at least I knew before I met his azz.  He is telling me right out of the starting gate that he has somebody.  His profile did say casual relationship too so the pieces were starting to fit together.  Aight, should I give him credit for being honest?  Maybe.  If I hadn't asked I don't think he would have volunteered the maybe not.  Whatever.  The point is I knew the deal and can make the decision if I wanted to keep going with him.  

SIDE NOTE:  Actually I am finding that more guys that I meet are starting to do this in the early stages of talking to me.  I think these are the cheating ones who finally got tired of the drama that comes in the aftermath of running game on side pieces.  So his so-called "honesty' actually puts him in a better position, because if he has to take a call from his girl he can do it right in front of you, or tell you that he is going to see her so that he is not hiding anything.  Now of course, he is deceiving his main girl, but trying to deceive multiple women, especially ones you ain't committed to, is just messy and kinda stupid truthfully. The guys that tell you the shyt after hooking up with you are punk muthafuccas.  Chickens.  If you make it plain that you see other people upfront it lets the female decide if she wants to be on her way or stick around.  That way ain't nobody's feelings really hurt cuz things were put on the table early.  And if she gets caught up then well...she already knew the deal.  I think that is very fair.  Now can I come out and be all honest like this?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  But because of the double standard that exists in this world against women you may not get the 'kudos' for being open like a man can.  I just say, 'I date' and let dudes take it from there.

So there it was.  I knew he had somebody before we even met, but to me that wasn't all that bad.  And for whatever reason, I decided to keep going even though I had not laid eyes on him yet.  In my mind I said he could go into the friend zone because the dialogue was interesting over the email.  I was intrigued.  He sounded like a cocky muthafucca, and some emails were so tense that he was starting to annoy me.  But for some reason I just had to see who this guy was.  Maybe it was the fact that I knew he had some high position at  his job.  I mean he sounded like he was boring and watched sports all the time.  He sounded judgmental too.  Not my style.  But something in my mind turned into pure curiosity and that is why I decided to meet him anyway.  I already had it my head that I wasn't gonna like him. 

The first date was described on the Cock Blocker post.  The second date was waaay better, but I smelled some signs of bossiness/inconsideration though.  Like for example, I TOTALLY HATE when I go on a date with a guy and the waitress asks if either of us wants a dessert and the guy replies “No” without asking me whether I did or not.  Especially when they are paying for the date.  It’s not like I want the damn dessert, but don’t be answering for me!  I’m a grown woman and can answer for myself.  I dunno but doing that move just burns my azz.  I think it is soooo inconsiderate but it seems that some dudes are totally clueless about this.  I just keep quiet and take the mental note, and deduct points off the scorecard when I get home.   

But even with that move, I was still feeling him.  He was looking all big and sexy so it didn't take too long for us to start kissing and doing 'whatever else'.  Giggle.  Like I always say, there are no rules.  His d*ck action was decent.  Looked aiight naked too.  Loves applying lubricant during sex repeatedly?  I usually don't require that okay?  (wink)  I don't think even a 75 year old would use as much lubricant as he does.  For real.  I have never seen anyone use it in such large doses in my life!  Makes me think he got d*ck burn on somebody's dry coochie back in the days.  Or does he think his d*ck is that f*ckin' gargantuan?  Maybe I will ask him next time.   

After that we communicated literally everyday and I visited a few times.  Once I came over and we started messing around in the living room.  Usually we would take things upstairs but this time he wasn’t doing that.  I suggest to go upstairs and he says, ‘I like staying downstairs.”  Alarm.  I knew something was up with that response, but I just let it pass.  I figure I'll get my d*ck first and then if i remember later I'll ask about it.  But things are heating up even more and this couch ain't working, so we start to go up the stairs to his bedroom.  I go in his room, skirt down around my ankles, and then BAM....

A baby crib is in the middle of the room. 
Remember he said his kids were ages 4 and 7. 

Ok f*ck the d*ck right now.

Me:  “You got a baby coming here?  Are you expecting a baby?”
SH:  "Don't worry about that."  Pushing me towards the bed.
Me:  "No for real!  Are you expecting a baby?"

SH: "I knew you was gonna ask me about that.  I told you my son was coming from my country."
Sometimes he says the dumbest shyt.  Um, f*ck yeah I was gonna ask especially because the damn thing wasn't there before you bum!!!  His hands are all over me and he is still moving me toward the bed, and I quickly tried to put the pieces of the puzzle together in my mind.  He did tell me he had a kid in his country, two kids, not babies. 

Me:  "You said they were school age.  They can't fit in a crib."

SH:  "Ok I lied.  I have one kid and he is 15 months."

Now he is on top of me and he ain't about to answer any more questions.  But I'm still thinking.   Where is the connection between this New York chick and this baby from his country?  Didn’t he say his girl was in New York?  
Aw fuck it.  I was in the moment and didn’t feel like thinking about it then.  I felt the lubricant on me (again) so I just went ahead and had my fun.

Later I thought...a 15 month old in a crib?   Hmmm.  It's possible but I don't know about that one.  So I asked if he was expecting another baby.  His answer was no. 
Not convinced I asked it again.  ARE YOU EXPECTING ANOTHER BABY SHALLOW HAL? 
SH:  "No."
Me:  "Ok."

I'm not the type that goes on and on with questions to men.  Too old for that shyt.  I asked the question twice.  He said no twice.  That was it.

The case was closed. 
Or so I thought.


  1. COME ON NOW!!!!!

    You can't cut it off like that...Part 2 please.

  2. ::hollers:: You ain't right!

    {{eyes glued to the screen}}

  3. Great intro... But you better not take long with part two!!

  4. omggggggg!!!!!!!! I need part 2 asap!!!!

  5. Ah man, how dare u leave us hanging like that lol. Part 2 asap por favor!