Tuesday, June 21, 2016


I resigned. And pissed everybody at the FT job off.  Then later that day we have a meeting at the money-making job and its gonna be over sooner than I thought.  Damn.  Damn. Damn.  Like on Let's Make a Deal...I chose the wrong door.

Like I said in the other post -- Russian Roulette.  You pull the trigger and hope you don't die.  Oh well...I guess I need to update my resume because the pool is about to become real damn crowded.

But it the meantime I booked a two hour session with the therapist because I read that this indecisive thing is kind of a personality disorder!

Monday, June 20, 2016


I play Russian Roulette with jobs and I can't stop.  It's like a sickness that I can't seem to get rid of.

My problem is that many times I'll accept multiple job offers because I can't decide on one.  I'll even have a job already and accept two others and end up fking two of them up.  I just burn bridges for no damn reason instead of just 'respectfully" turning the job down.  I'll either wait until one or two days before the job starts and say I can't come, or don't come at all, or I'll come there for a couple days and then not go back.  Or I'll be working one job and then call off while I go and "test" out another job.  I don't know what's wrong but I have become very skittish and it's wrecking my life!!!

Although many may say that I am "lucky" to get these multiple job offers at one time, I don't usually "feel lucky". My thing is that I agonize over the choices.  I lay awake at night thinking about it.  I talk to myself in public and alone about it. I even text and call my friends asking them to "help" me decide. And even with alla this conversation, it does very little to get me towards making a decision.  I just waste everybody's time and the clock just ticks away while I got people preparing for me to start working for them.  It's pathetic and I don't know how to stop it.   

Like I'm in a situation right now...TONIGHT...and I'm sitting here on blogger talking about it instead of making a decision.  Just looking for any type of way to get me to settle my mind about these two choices.  Maybe someone out in Bloggerworld might have an opinion?  Awww it wouldn't make any difference anyway probably. I need to write something on my blog page anyways because I am long overdue.  

The older I get the more indecisive I am about choosing jobs. What's wrong with me?  Is it that I don't wanna work for any of them????  The problem usually is that neither job is the perfect set up, and I don't know which way to go.  So here is my current situation.

I recently took a full time job after contracting for a few years.  The job pays less than what I was making as a contractor, but it's stable and I took it to boost my resume. I wasn't planning on staying at the FT gig forever so the pay cut was about me getting some health benefits for this vayjayjay operation.  I'll save that for another day because I can't even decide on that surgery either.  See what I mean????  I can't decide on anything lately.

On the other hand I have this four-week contracting job making DOUBLE what I make on a full time salary (if I worked on an hourly basis).   For many this would be a no-brainer decision right? Not for meee! The four weeks ain't bothering me.  What keeps creeping up in my mind is that I could make over $15K in those four weeks!  It would take me 8 weeks at the full time gig to make that same pay.  

And before you say it, I already know the ups and downs of contracting.  But I do it because the reward is often worth the risk. Yes contracting is unstable and risky, but making the change to it has made a world of difference in my life.  Not only do the contracting jobs pay more money (I've saved $100K), but mentally it has helped me "be okay" with working for others.  I also don't feel like a slave because if I get tired of something I can just move on and not be looked at as a job hopper.  In my opinion these employers just want to the job done and that's it.  So I like it when I can just sit in my seat, do my work, and get my check.  When I'm contracting I don't have to worry about performance reviews, bullshyt raises, clock watchers, being skipped for promotions, etc.

The dilemma is that I want to still work the contract job and not have to quit it, but I can't be in two places at the same time.  I asked my manager at the FT gig if I could work in the late afternoons and Saturday during the four weeks.  I wasn't surprised at the response, "We can't because you're new and it would be a conflict of interest." 

 Booooooo.  Man I'm so tired of hearing that!  

What conflict of interest?  All the average employee is "interested" in is getting a paycheck and some damn benefits.  Puhleeze.  Miss me with that conflict of interest stuff.  I feel that a job telling me that I can't make extra money or that I need their "approval" is like putting their hands in my pockets.  To me that smells like slavery.

After that let down, I kept being the risky person that I am.  Since I already put my azz out there when I asked for a schedule modification, I took it a step further today and called out from the FT job.  Instead I went to "test" the contract job to see what it was all about.  The job is not bad at all!  Boring though.  It's good and fast money but in order to go I would have to be a runaway slave. Because Massa FT telling me I can't work another plantation.  

Sigh.  So what the hell am I gonna do tomorrow morning?  

  1. Am I calling off of the FT job two days in a row?  
  2. Am I quitting the FT gig and going to the contractor job?
  3. Am I quitting the contract job after one day and going back to safe FT?
I have to decide in eight hours..and so far writing this blog DID NOT HELP.  These are the times that I wish I could win the lottery.

What us gonna do?  I HATE THIS SHYT.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Is This Thing On????

(taps the mic)

Is this thing on?

I saiddddddd, is this thing on? (pause)

(clears throat)

I'll begin by saying that I got a comment today asking where have I been and it made me feel good and bad at the same time. It's not that I haven't thought about the blog, it's just that I used to write more when I had this easy little desk job in Manhattan.  You know..."THAT JOB" that I didn't want to tell anyone that I had. After shyt went to the left at that place (which I consider a disguised blessing), I bounced and changed careers altogether.  Now I make almost 2.5 times more than that old job that I should not have been at six years anyway, but of course that means that it DEMANDS more time and I actually have to sit there and work.  just writing that disgusts me!  Work is always in the damn way.  Always, always, always.  It takes up all of my time!  It has gotten so bad that somebody had to send out a virtual blogger search party out to look for me.

But don't get me wrong, it ain't like I haven't tried to write on the blog.  I have all of these half baked drafts in my queue that I was once all excited to dazzle you with.  In fact I have been trying and trying to take a breather so that I could do more things that I enjoy doing like writing.  I even left my job in August to take a sabbatical for two months so that I COULD WRITE and do some entrepreneurial stuff, but no sooner than I left the job another recruiter came along and offered me more loot on another contract. Cha ching!   So just like Bugs Bunny I took the dangling carrot and ended the break a month early.  FOR MONEY.

And what was the result of making that decision?
I stacked more cash but my blog still looks like ass.  

"Yo, this blog looks like ass."

And get this!!!  All I do is write all day!  For other people.  ALL.DAMN. DAY.  But yet I couldn't write two sentences for my own shyt?  That's a damn shame.  I need to get my priorities in order, and working certainly ain't one of them.

So I have decided to make a pledge.  Even though my current load includes studying for a six hour test, working out, taking a Spanish class, "liking"shyt on Facebook to maintain relationships, and working my 2nd job as girlfriend to Trinidad (sigh) --- I need to breathe some life back into this blog. Maybe that's why I feel so overwhelmed?  Everything is just bottled up inside me and my fingers are itching to peck at the keyboard.

I hope I still have some Blogger friends too?  Special thanks to HeyItsJermaine for checking in and zapping me with that taser.   I'm awake now so thanks hunny.

Now let's see if I can deliver.  Or will I go back to sleep?  Place your bets people.

Please note:  If you see typos just know that my eyes are getting old mane!  I started this blog like forever ago and my eyes are not as KEEN as they used to be.  It's whack to even have to publish this statement but I might as well come clean with it.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

12,775 Day Rewind

Another year gone.  Another New Year's Party.  Later on....

But what's more important to me today is reflection.  And to sit still and think about the hits and misses of past 365 days.  So as I began to do my annual ritual, strangely my mind went further back.  Waaaayyyy back.  Like 12,775 days back.

I remembered jumping Double Dutch in the streets and stopping mid jump to let the cars pass...at the last minute of course.

I also remembered jumping in unison with as many as could fit inside the clothes line bought at the corner store.  As we sang as loud as we could!
"All in together, any kind of weather, I see the teacher, lookin' out the window, ding dong, the fire bell!!!"
I remembered Playing softball, touch football, and hide and go seek...at night! (Which was a really big deal.)
Playing jacks on the porch,
Drawing Hopscotch boxes on the sidewalk, and playing dodgeball.
Swinging on swings.  
Ponytails blowing in the wind as I rode my purple bike down asphalt hills.   Breeze whipping across my face.
Patty cakes and roller skates, slip n slide, and skate boards.  Plastic water guns that held about 1/2 cup of water....if that.  But no one seemed to mind because it was enough to hit your target.
"Mother May I", "Simon Says", and break dancing!
And a game simply called "IT".  And whatever "IT" was you ran like a fool trying to get as far away as you could.
It really was a wonderful life in those days.
And even though I am taking another step away from "those days" tonight, this morning I just felt like taking a few steps backward.  Because going backward is not always a bad thing.

December 31, 2014

Monday, August 18, 2014

Drum Roll Puhleeze

Woman enters the library and as she passes the security guard he says, "Nice toes!"

The woman looks down at her daintily painted yellow toes and smiles and replies "Thank you.".  

She walks up the escalator and scouts for a seat.  The library is full even on a warm summer night.  She plops down at a table of four and seats herself next to a young African-American brother with a hoodie and his PC.   She thinks to herself, "Why does he have a hoodie on in the library in the summer?"  but she dismisses the thought.  As long as he doesn't look crazy she figures that she will be fine.

She pulls out her new purple Mac out of her bag and begins to gather her thoughts,  As she starts to type, all of a sudden she smells something....

Sniff.  Sniff.

I won’t even begin this post with excuses as to why I haven’t been on here because honestly does anyone really give a fluck?  LOL.  I just need to fix the damn problem with my lack of appearances in cyberspace and get things done.  I feel myself getting rusty so I need to write to keep my skills sharp.

This time instead of writing about what I have not done on the blog, the only thing that I will say is that I have put writing on my weekly schedule so I can AT LEAST put my eyeball on blogger.com.  So here I am on a nice summer night in the library pecking away at my computer.  I feel a bit proud of myself!   I've only been here about 15 minutes but there is a musty muthafucca sitting next to me wrecking my damn flow.  This is the only free table with computer outlets so I’ll just try to make it work and cover my nose when he shifts in his seat.  I just need to bang this post out.  

(holds breath)

Ok here we go.

First I will at least quickly recap the last few months to try to bring things up to date.

NEWSFLASH!!!!  Believe it or not I actually have ONE man now.  Not even a backup dude to dabble in now and then.  The way I had operated for years was to always have at least two dudes on the roster, but as time has passed I have slowed down with that A LOT.  For one it’s too hard to manage, and number two these guys got too much shit going on with them for me to be dealing with a double dose of drama.  The older they get the more rock headed they get and it is just too much!  Men get to be soooooo much work after a while.  
And what gets me is that men have the damn nerve to be talking about women of a certain age got baggage when they are honestly some big fluckin babies themselves   They are just as sensitive as women and  throw fits and tantrums like toddlers.   All THEE time.  Word.

So let's introduce my dude as Trinidad.  He is pretty alright.  He acts and does a lot of the things I like and he is tolerable….not perfect…but tolerable.  He can be a lot of work and sensitive too…he ain’t no different than what I said earlier.  I just realize that’s how men eventually turn out to be so now I just try to work with it and see where it goes.  We have been dating for about 2.5 years and for me that’s some amazing shit!  So let’s see how long I can keep this up.  I’ll have to elaborate on dude another time because something between us is brewing.  Like I said before — he ain’t perfect, and neither am I.  

Anyway....financially things are better too.  Last September I blogged that I quit a job and took a consultant temp role that was a $25k per year pay cut.  It was a dice roll and some may have called me stupid, but that dice roll eventually paid off because taking that step backwards opened doors for me in a major way.  I kept interviewing for something better and was getting turned down left and right, but within three months I got a new job making over six figures.  So in the long run the risk paid off big time and has helped me to put almost $66,000 dollars in my savings account.  Who woulda thought that I could make that happen?!!!  That $66K may not be a huge amount, but seeing that in the past I barely had $200 saved this is a major achievement.  Since my bankruptcy in 2010 things have gotten way better and I swear doing that was the best (and toughest) decision that I ever made.  Yeah I have the ding on my credit report for a few more years but my worries about paying my bills are gone.  I can save money now and my credit score has improved over 100 points since the bankruptcy.  I have paid off my car a year and a half early too.  Things are certainly way better now from when I first started writing DIARY OF A BROKE ASS WOMAN!  For realz.  And although I’ll confess that I still have my moments with spending on clothes and what not, I usually just pay the charges with a credit card and pay the balance off in the next month to keep things under control.  I have my regular job and my consulting work to bring in money to help when I fall off the shopping wagon.  Plus my credit limit is like $750 so I ain’t going too crazy with that anyway, and I put in my budget what I can spend on shopping each month.  The $750 limit ain’t nothing special but it will do me just fine because the point of using the card is to build my credit score anyway.  The website mint.com tracks my spending and puts everything into categories which helps me see how my money flows.

Um, what else has been happening???  Oh yes!  I had my “ cuteness surgery”  late last year.  Yep I did it!  The first couple days after were awful but I’m happy with the results for the most part!  There are things that I still have to do like stay fit and eat right but I’m looking way better than I did before (not that I was that bad in the first place).  I have to get into the details later but since the surgery things have ‘shifted’ to other areas and I didn’t expect that at all!  Like today when I was leaving work, somebody called me Stella.  Not sure if I liked that too much just because I hate facing the reality that I am getting older, but since Angela Bassett was looking good in that movie I guess I’ll go ahead and take it as a compliment????   And even though Trinidad was against me doing the surgery, I think NOW he is happy with the end result.  And how do I know this?  Because I can see it in his hungry eyes. 

Damn It’s good to be back writing!  I see that I have about the same number of followers so I guess that’s good!?  LOL…no it ain’t.  The blog is stagnant.  I know people were reading when I used to write about Shallow Hal and my escapades with him but since I killed them off I think folks left me.  It’s not a lot left to say on that but that was like 3-4 years ago anyway and since then Shallow Hal has just worsened with age.  We used to be cool but I have decided that I can’t be socializing with that donkey no mo’.  For the longest time I had been smelling the disrespect coming from him, and I had to remind him way too often that I was not one of his birds.  Shallow Hal is a bully and eventually made our situation rocky as hell.   We had some moments where we would actually be cool, but just as he always does, he fks up stuff to a point where I finally had to block him a couple months ago.  The downfall began when something that started out being joke on his asshole friend turned into a betrayal.  Shallow Hal proved that he wasn’t on my team and once I saw that, it was the beginning of the end of our “friendship.”  I had no loyalty to him and all we would do is argue.

Shallow Hal:  “You just wanna see me hurt for something.”
Me:  LOL.  “You just wanna see me hurt for something.”  You so damn stupid.  You deserve to "hurt for something" for all that you have done to people.  Punk ass.

And that's from one of the light conversations.  And where did all of this come from?  I’ll get into my post called THE JOKE next time but for now I will say this....it was a joke that both of us tried to set up.  After the smoke cleared it ended up with Shallow Hal showing his ass and by that point I was DONE.  He pushed me too far and THE JOKE became a mess.  

But you know what?  After everything that I have heard, Shallow Hal is probably right.  I kinda do wanna see him get knocked down off his throne.  And I've been thinking on what I can come up with to make that happen.

"Off with his head!"

More later.  I can't sit by this musty muthafucca no more!

Thursday, June 12, 2014

Sad State of Bloggism

What a damn shame.

I think about blogging all the time but I can't seem to put the pen to the paper these past months!
Yeah I'm raggedy as hell.  So finally I said today lemme just try to do this from my phone to at least shake the dust off my shyt.

You know working, having a man, having business, and alla that has made me just feel so overwhelmed.  Like I used to take this blog so seriously but half the time I was writing when I was at work.  Now companies block the site and by the time I get home I'm done.  But I have to change that.  When I blogged it felt good and maybe that's what I need so I don't feel overwhelmed as much?

So many things have happened since that
posting last October.  I have done some dirty shyt, stupid shyt, smart shyt, as well as good money type of shyt.  In addition I have been the target of unwanted shyt that I needs to get on here and talk about too.  Word!
There is a lot to say because It appears that I have become an exceptional liar and a somewhat vengeful individual.  More later on that.   People might think I'm wrong for what I did, but I just had to get him!  I just had to cuz you don't talk to me like I'm one of your damn birds!  Nah bruh.

More later.  More later.

In any case I'm here.  Let's get it cracking and back to the business of blogging.

Hello World!

Thursday, October 10, 2013

Most People Will Call Me Cray...

I am sitting in a Starbucks in Times Square.  It's like 50 degrees outside but they have the air conditioner on like it's 80 damn degrees! Brrrrrr!!!!!  I'm starting to sniff because I have been sitting here typing for a while now.  I already bought a lukewarm hot chocolate and I ain't buying shyt else to warm up.  I need cocktail money for when I go to karaoke later.  Not sure if I'm sanging though. 

And to add to the frigidity in here, there's this crazy lady sitting next to me having a silent conversation with SOMEBODY.  Her hands are moving around and she is smiling and laughing at whatever SOMEBODY is saying to her.  But what's odd is that she hasn't uttered a sound.  Not a single sound.  She is just over there with her latte being silent crazy and having a good ol' time too.

CONFESSION:  This is exactly the same shyt I do at home.  Shhhhhh!!!!  But my rants are usually just rewinds of convos that I already had that have bothered me or had me worked up.  I just repeat what was said, and then add on what I WISH I WOULD HAVE SAID.  I'm not having 'real time' convos with imaginary people like she is sitting here doing.  Wait a minute.  I must be buggin?  I wrote that like my crazy convos are more sane than hers just because they already occurred.  It's still crazy right?  Real time or past time...talking to yourself regularly out loud is a little crazy.  I just need to own that and stop buggin like I'm better than other crazy people.  LOL.  I'm sure when I get to be an old lady I will be officially cray cray, and very skilled at talking to people that had been in front of me the day before.  I already see it coming.  Been doing it too long to stop.  Sigh.  Oh well. 


It has been a tumultuous summer career wise.  In an earlier post, "I Failed at Kissin' Ass", I talked about my job that started tripping after I had worked there almost 7 years.  I am not gonna go back and relive the details of that, but I finally left that joint in June.  And not without scandal.  The depature wasn't quiet at all and got weird.  I tried my best to leave without drama and say 'safe' things during the exit interview, but it was all for nothing.  That exit interview triggered a whole lot of craziness and my manager said that I betrayed him!  And because he felt betrayed, he did some bogus shyt!  His ass had the nerve to....

....ah I'll leave it for later next time.

(to self:  I have to write about that over the weekend.  It's pretty juicy.  I'm gonna title it, "Don't Do Exit Interviews At A Job" or something like that.  With a spicier title of course...)

So like I said I left the job in June.  I moved on to a new job that I didn't really want because it was a job where I would have to kiss some other executive's ass.  And remember I already failed at kissin ass already, so what made me think I wouldn't be expected to do that again.  Reluctantly I started the new job June 3rd, and on September 3rd I stopped going.  I decided to take a temporary job making $16,000 less and started the next day.  Wild.

And I know that most people would call me cray for that.  But I went ahead and did it anyway.

People wouldn't understand that I just couldn't do it anymore.  I just couldn't.  I had interviewed for 8 months all around NYC and was tired of 'acting' like I wanted to be somebody's assistant.  I had been passed over and insulted and treated like a dog long enough by recruiters for some damn "I Want to Work for Diddy" type of shyt.  Even though folks in these assistant jobs can make a lot of money, I didn't care.  That career path just wasn't for me.  I knew  that it was over when the new job started asking me to go out and get iced tea for the executive.  I was officially over it and I.WANTED.OUT.

Why?  Because it didn't make any damn sense anymore.  I had done this assistant stuff because only I wanted something not too demanding while I ran my business.   When the business closed in 2009 I should have turned my back on the job but by then I had gotten too comfortable there.   I really f*cked up by staying there another four years and should have gone into something else. So I had to weigh it out.  Either keep running to get iced tea and ordering sammiches for the big executives, or just bite the bullet and start fresh before I found myself doing a repeat and "getting comfortable" again. 

So that's what I did.  I got the fluck out. 

That's because I was choking.  I was dying inside.  I was feeling lost and it was making me feel like....I didn't want to be here anymore.  It was getting dangerous and affecting me mentally.  So when the bank finally called said they would take me on contract basis I said yes. 

So I started the contract job at the bank and stopped going to the other job.  And the other job fired me lickety split for not coming to work.  Hated to do it that way and honestly I should have just QUIT, but silly me...I kept stalling and screwed that up big time.  I was just sooooo confused I didn't know what to do.

But I was freeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

I let the new job go and went to one for less money. 
I let the new job go for no stability.
And the contract ain't even for a year.  How many people would do that? 

Not many I bet.  Most people would just call me cray.

And you know what, that's cool.  I have thought and thought about it and I have it all figured out (I think...)  If I play my cards right and get the experience in this financial crimes field doing a couple of contract positions, I'm thinking that in a year or so I might even surpass what I was making anyway in that job I just left.  I will work on getting the certifications, network at this bank I am at now and build my circle, and hustle my way into FT before you know it.  I'm on a mission.  And I ain't the least bit scared.

(SIDE NOTE:  A cute slim goodie just walked into Starbucks.  Walkin' slowly and lookin' my way.  Tall with a brown coat.  Let's call him Toostie Roll.  Ain't bought nothing to drink either and sat down.  Freeloader taking up chair space!!!  Hmmm.  No empty seat at my table though.  Dang.  Actually that's probably for the better because I need to be bloggin' right now anyway. Plus I got my hands full with Trinidad and I need to TRY to be good.  If he came over here he will wreck my flow.  Stay away Tootsie Roll ...at least until I finish.  LOL.)

So like I said I ain't scared.  The recruiters call and think I'm crazy.  I went on an interview yesterday and they looked at me slightly crazy too because I took less money.  But I just yapped on about my experience and tried to captivate them with my intelligence anyway.  Not sure if it worked because when the interview ended he said the dreaded "Good luck", which is never a good sign.  Boo. 

I read something  once about taking chances and stepping backward to move forward toward a different success path.  People may not understand that's exactly what I am trying to do, and even though I am not a young pop tart- I AIN'T DEAD YET!  For the past seven years I had not told a soul what I did for a living.  My family didn't even know what I did.  Most times I would just say "Office Manager" when that wasn't really my title.  I did that because to me it didn't make sense given that I was an engineer, started two businesses, but yet I was ordering lunch and making travel arrangements for people??? Just for somebody to say to me that I didn't kiss somebody's ass well enough after six plus years of service???  If it didn't make sense to me I know it wouldn't make sense to somebody else.  It was easy just to lie or avoid talking about it rather than explain how I had ended up at that job.

I had fallen asleep.  When I was confronted with the words, "You don't make him feel like he is number one", it was just the wake up call I needed to leave that life behind!!!!!  It snapped me out of whatever funk I was in and I am not gonna make the mistake a second time around.  Hell no.  I'd rather sit in the park all day and let my savings drain to nothing before I compromise myself again and be shame to tell anybody anything about myself.  Not if I can help it.

And by no means am I saying that there is anything wrong with being an assistant, it was just wrong for me.  Yanno what I mean?  I wasn't about that life. I don't wanna be running for iced teas like a 19 year old and I ain't asking another soul if they want extra leg room on the plane. Nope. Not no mo'! Money is nice but I need to do more than just "make a living."  I hate working as it is so if I gotta work it better be doing something that I like.  Word.

Yep.  People can call me cray.   They can even SUPERSIZE IT and call me cray cray. I may not like that reaction but in the end I am feeling tons better about the direction I am going in.  Even while making this chump change. 
That's because I only get one life, and I am gonna do what best suits me.  No matter how crazy it may sound. 

There's a reason why my code name is "Eyes on the Prize".  I always have to reach for more.