Thursday, March 8, 2018


Before I get to the topic at hand, I first want to say that in celebration of International Women’s Day, I finally waxed my coochie after like five months.  It was so out control that when the gal looked at it she was kinda speechless.  That’s a pretty bad reaction seeing that her JOB is looking at hairy coochies and men's ball sacs for a living (it's a rainbow friendly salon).  Anyway the situation was handled (painfully) and I treated myself to a lovely lunch at Panera Bread to celebrate.  Damn I forgot to ask if she saw any gray hairs, but who cares!  They is gone now!


Anyhow taking care of the bush was not the only thing that I have been neglecting.  I have thought about this blog just as much as I thought about getting a wax.  Which was almost every time I got naked.  

NYC life was just getting in the way.   When I logged in I was scared to even look at my follower's list out of fear that it had dwindled down to nothing.  Although the list hasn’t really grown a lot, it is still about the same so that is okay with me seeing that I have been sooooo raggedy.  Even though there are barely two-fiddy followers on my Blogger roll, it appears that some folk MIGHT be still interested in what I have (or had) to say!! So thanks y’all for still riding with me.  I also truly thank my pal over at Black Girls Are Easy for the redirects too.  I need you baby!!!  

Me and this blog are like a couple that keeps breaking up and gettin back together.  But every time I do come back after a long hiatus, I feel like I need to explain what I have been doing for alla this time.  Since it has been almost foevahhhhhh since I last posted, I will just summarize things into bullet points to make it easier on myself.

I have been….

  • Working and apparently pissing people off; quitting jobs over things like bias, favorites, and jobs fucking with me general.  
  • Becoming a major wig addict and not giving a rat’s azz what anyone says about it
  • Talking a lot
  • Traveling
  • Dealing with annoying girl body problems
  • Thinking about breaking up with the dude and finally doing it
  • Thinking about dating women but wondering if that will be just a different headache
  • Appreciating the hell out of my ‘toy’ because it doesn’t require any conversation, obligation, or vaginal pain
  • Trying to get along with my mother, but realizing that it ain’t gonna happen unless I win the lotto and pay her off
OK that’s all I'm gonna say on that.  Not really fascinating stuff except maybe about the toy, which unfortunately is wearing out on me dammit.  Time to reorder.

Now getting back to the post…“GETTING COINS, STACKING CHIPS, and MAKING SHMONEY”?

Whatever words people use to describe how they get their money, we all know that people will do and put up with almost anything to get it.  Since my money situation is a lil’ bit better now, I feel that I don’t have that mindset anymore.   In the past couple years I have walked away from a few decent paying temp jobs, but that was solely because the management were assholes and I didn't feel like dealing with it.  Since I'm older now there is only so much ish I can put up with.  I'm like that like in the Three Billboards movie.  When I stop giving a fluck there is no fixing it.  


I don't give a fuck, I don't give a fuck
I don't I don't I don't give a fuck
Bitch, I don't give a fuck about you or anything that you do
Don't give a fuck about you or anything that you do

But the way people around me talk about money though, I’m starting to wonder if I am I weird because I don’t seem to go that hard for money like they do.

Yo like am I a dummy for quitting jobs that have been unfair and shitty to me, even though I am being paid well? 

Should I have stayed and stacked paper anyway, and let it pass that they were undermining me and making me look like shit?

It’s kinda messed up that I am even questioning myself about this, but it has been heavy on my mind.  I play Russian Roulette with sooo many jobs and it's kinda gotten to a point that its becoming questionable.  

Although I was brought into this world without having any say about it, I feel forced to live embody this mindset that society says I am supposed to “have” which is to work, make money, have kids, retire, and die.   But if I choose to live for different reasons why is it sooooo hard for folks to comprehend that?  It seems that the more I express how I feel to others, the more isolated I become.  I either get these strange looks, or the person just starts talking about making money again as if I what I said didn’t register in their brain.  One psycho coworker even told me once that something was wrong with me because I didn’t want to make as much money as possible.  Say what???  Of course I want to make money, but I don’t wanna work 70 and 80 hours a damn week for it!!   Especially if I have to put up with mental frustration, bias, favoritism, and other types of work environment bullshyt.  I don’t put up with work nonsense for too long because I know from experience that once people think they can treat you any kind of way ---- 
THEY.DO.NOT.STOP.  It's like dealing with a bully except you getting a paycheck for the abuse.  You can try to fly under the radar all you want, but once they put you in the BOX you stay in that BOX.  Ain't no getting out.  So because I don’t allow myself to be treated like shit for paychecks, I rather quit than have a mofo keep fuggin’ with me at work.  For real.

So does this mean I am weird?

Although my temp jobs can pay pretty well (“sometimes”), they tend to attract a LOT of money-focused people.  These people are mostly snakes, assholes, and no integrity-having bastards. And just like in school, these punks fck up the curve for everyone else.  Because the work is often productivity based, these snakes stay cheatin' and doing poor work to keep their numbers high, while the QUALITY oriented people (like myself) get the constant side-eye, are micro-managed, or have to constantly explain their numbers.  It’s like the Wolf of Wall Street movie, and these people get praised and celebrated for their big fake ass numbers!  Funny thing is that most times after the snakes have made a boatload of money and are long gone from the project, their work gets audited and is found to be horrible, half done, or a goddamn mess. Because everything is about money and numbers, it breeds an environment of evil and corruption.  At times I feel surrounded by people who have no soul and are living pieces of shyt  --- especially these attorney mothafuccas.  Even their friends are pieces of shit too.  It’s stifling.  But yet these snakes stay winning to the point that I have come to believe that integrity counts for shit at most jobs.  These jobs don't seem to give a fuck about your good intentions or quality work.  NOT AT ALL.  At least in the financial world.

I know money makes the world go ‘round, and in no way am I rich.  Hell I dream about winning the lottery just like most people.  But I have to ask, what is life really about?  Is this why I was brought here, to work and stress for coins?  Is this why we have babies?  To have them grow up and continue a legacy of a miserable existence of bill paying and commuting?  To so get old from chasing paper until their body is so twisted and used up that they can’t even enjoy it?  THIS IS NOT LIFE.  At least not to me.

After saying all of this, I do realize however that I can only control me.  So I seriously have to ask myself,  "Do I keep running away from the bullshit, or do I take the easy street and follow the others who seem to stay winning?" 

So why is it weird when I say that I choose me? If I feel like you’re shittin’ on me for pleasure or being unfair to me -- I’m out.  Period.  Is that so wrong?  People can call it silly or stupid if they want; I just feel that is exercising my freedom to choose my situation.  Like I told one employer once, I am not lucky to have their job.  We are lucky to have each other.  I do my best work and you pay me for it, so it ain’t no damn charity happening.  Therefore don’t ever feel that you’re doing me some big favor by giving me a job.  I can get a paycheck from somewhere else.  Even if the pay is lower, at least I’m not around you or helping your azz anymore.  I OWN ME, and if that's being weird then so be it.  I’m gonna be dead a long time so why not live my life now?  If moving on from these shit show jobs is a way of being in control of my freedom then I'm fine with that.  

As for the coworkers who live in fear and wanna talk about money all the time, I’ll just start keeping my opinions to myself because I already know that the conversation will go nowhere.  We are just on different wavelengths and we just don’t mesh on this particular subject.  I simply have to stop getting annoyed at these people and keep it movin’.  I am a work in progress...

Main thing is I just don’t want to be a slave to anything I guess…a job, money, bills or a man.  I just wanna be free.

Tuesday, June 21, 2016


I resigned. And pissed everybody at the FT job off.  Then later that day we have a meeting at the money-making job and its gonna be over sooner than I thought.  Damn.  Damn. Damn.  Like on Let's Make a Deal...I chose the wrong door.

Like I said in the other post -- Russian Roulette.  You pull the trigger and hope you don't die.  Oh well...I guess I need to update my resume because the pool is about to become real damn crowded.

But it the meantime I booked a two hour session with the therapist because I read that this indecisive thing is kind of a personality disorder!

Monday, June 20, 2016


I play Russian Roulette with jobs and I can't stop.  It's like a sickness that I can't seem to get rid of.

My problem is that many times I'll accept multiple job offers because I can't decide on one.  I'll even have a job already and accept two others and end up fking two of them up.  I just burn bridges for no damn reason instead of just 'respectfully" turning the job down.  I'll either wait until one or two days before the job starts and say I can't come, or don't come at all, or I'll come there for a couple days and then not go back.  Or I'll be working one job and then call off while I go and "test" out another job.  I don't know what's wrong but I have become very skittish and it's wrecking my life!!!

Although many may say that I am "lucky" to get these multiple job offers at one time, I don't usually "feel lucky". My thing is that I agonize over the choices.  I lay awake at night thinking about it.  I talk to myself in public and alone about it. I even text and call my friends asking them to "help" me decide. And even with alla this conversation, it does very little to get me towards making a decision.  I just waste everybody's time and the clock just ticks away while I got people preparing for me to start working for them.  It's pathetic and I don't know how to stop it.   

Like I'm in a situation right now...TONIGHT...and I'm sitting here on blogger talking about it instead of making a decision.  Just looking for any type of way to get me to settle my mind about these two choices.  Maybe someone out in Bloggerworld might have an opinion?  Awww it wouldn't make any difference anyway probably. I need to write something on my blog page anyways because I am long overdue.  

The older I get the more indecisive I am about choosing jobs. What's wrong with me?  Is it that I don't wanna work for any of them????  The problem usually is that neither job is the perfect set up, and I don't know which way to go.  So here is my current situation.

I recently took a full time job after contracting for a few years.  The job pays less than what I was making as a contractor, but it's stable and I took it to boost my resume. I wasn't planning on staying at the FT gig forever so the pay cut was about me getting some health benefits for this vayjayjay operation.  I'll save that for another day because I can't even decide on that surgery either.  See what I mean????  I can't decide on anything lately.

On the other hand I have this four-week contracting job making DOUBLE what I make on a full time salary (if I worked on an hourly basis).   For many this would be a no-brainer decision right? Not for meee! The four weeks ain't bothering me.  What keeps creeping up in my mind is that I could make over $15K in those four weeks!  It would take me 8 weeks at the full time gig to make that same pay.  

And before you say it, I already know the ups and downs of contracting.  But I do it because the reward is often worth the risk. Yes contracting is unstable and risky, but making the change to it has made a world of difference in my life.  Not only do the contracting jobs pay more money (I've saved $100K), but mentally it has helped me "be okay" with working for others.  I also don't feel like a slave because if I get tired of something I can just move on and not be looked at as a job hopper.  In my opinion these employers just want to the job done and that's it.  So I like it when I can just sit in my seat, do my work, and get my check.  When I'm contracting I don't have to worry about performance reviews, bullshyt raises, clock watchers, being skipped for promotions, etc.

The dilemma is that I want to still work the contract job and not have to quit it, but I can't be in two places at the same time.  I asked my manager at the FT gig if I could work in the late afternoons and Saturday during the four weeks.  I wasn't surprised at the response, "We can't because you're new and it would be a conflict of interest." 

 Booooooo.  Man I'm so tired of hearing that!  

What conflict of interest?  All the average employee is "interested" in is getting a paycheck and some damn benefits.  Puhleeze.  Miss me with that conflict of interest stuff.  I feel that a job telling me that I can't make extra money or that I need their "approval" is like putting their hands in my pockets.  To me that smells like slavery.

After that let down, I kept being the risky person that I am.  Since I already put my azz out there when I asked for a schedule modification, I took it a step further today and called out from the FT job.  Instead I went to "test" the contract job to see what it was all about.  The job is not bad at all!  Boring though.  It's good and fast money but in order to go I would have to be a runaway slave. Because Massa FT telling me I can't work another plantation.  

Sigh.  So what the hell am I gonna do tomorrow morning?  

  1. Am I calling off of the FT job two days in a row?  
  2. Am I quitting the FT gig and going to the contractor job?
  3. Am I quitting the contract job after one day and going back to safe FT?
I have to decide in eight hours..and so far writing this blog DID NOT HELP.  These are the times that I wish I could win the lottery.

What us gonna do?  I HATE THIS SHYT.

Tuesday, December 1, 2015

Is This Thing On????

(taps the mic)

Is this thing on?

I saiddddddd, is this thing on? (pause)

(clears throat)

I'll begin by saying that I got a comment today asking where have I been and it made me feel good and bad at the same time. It's not that I haven't thought about the blog, it's just that I used to write more when I had this easy little desk job in Manhattan.  You know..."THAT JOB" that I didn't want to tell anyone that I had. After shyt went to the left at that place (which I consider a disguised blessing), I bounced and changed careers altogether.  Now I make almost 2.5 times more than that old job that I should not have been at six years anyway, but of course that means that it DEMANDS more time and I actually have to sit there and work.  just writing that disgusts me!  Work is always in the damn way.  Always, always, always.  It takes up all of my time!  It has gotten so bad that somebody had to send out a virtual blogger search party out to look for me.

But don't get me wrong, it ain't like I haven't tried to write on the blog.  I have all of these half baked drafts in my queue that I was once all excited to dazzle you with.  In fact I have been trying and trying to take a breather so that I could do more things that I enjoy doing like writing.  I even left my job in August to take a sabbatical for two months so that I COULD WRITE and do some entrepreneurial stuff, but no sooner than I left the job another recruiter came along and offered me more loot on another contract. Cha ching!   So just like Bugs Bunny I took the dangling carrot and ended the break a month early.  FOR MONEY.

And what was the result of making that decision?
I stacked more cash but my blog still looks like ass.  

"Yo, this blog looks like ass."

And get this!!!  All I do is write all day!  For other people.  ALL.DAMN. DAY.  But yet I couldn't write two sentences for my own shyt?  That's a damn shame.  I need to get my priorities in order, and working certainly ain't one of them.

So I have decided to make a pledge.  Even though my current load includes studying for a six hour test, working out, taking a Spanish class, "liking"shyt on Facebook to maintain relationships, and working my 2nd job as girlfriend to Trinidad (sigh) --- I need to breathe some life back into this blog. Maybe that's why I feel so overwhelmed?  Everything is just bottled up inside me and my fingers are itching to peck at the keyboard.

I hope I still have some Blogger friends too?  Special thanks to HeyItsJermaine for checking in and zapping me with that taser.   I'm awake now so thanks hunny.

Now let's see if I can deliver.  Or will I go back to sleep?  Place your bets people.

Please note:  If you see typos just know that my eyes are getting old mane!  I started this blog like forever ago and my eyes are not as KEEN as they used to be.  It's whack to even have to publish this statement but I might as well come clean with it.

Wednesday, December 31, 2014

12,775 Day Rewind

Another year gone.  Another New Year's Party.  Later on....

But what's more important to me today is reflection.  And to sit still and think about the hits and misses of past 365 days.  So as I began to do my annual ritual, strangely my mind went further back.  Waaaayyyy back.  Like 12,775 days back.

I remembered jumping Double Dutch in the streets and stopping mid jump to let the cars the last minute of course.

I also remembered jumping in unison with as many as could fit inside the clothes line bought at the corner store.  As we sang as loud as we could!
"All in together, any kind of weather, I see the teacher, lookin' out the window, ding dong, the fire bell!!!"
I remembered Playing softball, touch football, and hide and go night! (Which was a really big deal.)
Playing jacks on the porch,
Drawing Hopscotch boxes on the sidewalk, and playing dodgeball.
Swinging on swings.  
Ponytails blowing in the wind as I rode my purple bike down asphalt hills.   Breeze whipping across my face.
Patty cakes and roller skates, slip n slide, and skate boards.  Plastic water guns that held about 1/2 cup of water....if that.  But no one seemed to mind because it was enough to hit your target.
"Mother May I", "Simon Says", and break dancing!
And a game simply called "IT".  And whatever "IT" was you ran like a fool trying to get as far away as you could.
It really was a wonderful life in those days.
And even though I am taking another step away from "those days" tonight, this morning I just felt like taking a few steps backward.  Because going backward is not always a bad thing.

December 31, 2014

Monday, August 18, 2014

Drum Roll Puhleeze

Woman enters the library and as she passes the security guard he says, "Nice toes!"

The woman looks down at her daintily painted yellow toes and smiles and replies "Thank you.".  

She walks up the escalator and scouts for a seat.  The library is full even on a warm summer night.  She plops down at a table of four and seats herself next to a young African-American brother with a hoodie and his PC.   She thinks to herself, "Why does he have a hoodie on in the library in the summer?"  but she dismisses the thought.  As long as he doesn't look crazy she figures that she will be fine.

She pulls out her new purple Mac out of her bag and begins to gather her thoughts,  As she starts to type, all of a sudden she smells something....

Sniff.  Sniff.

I won’t even begin this post with excuses as to why I haven’t been on here because honestly does anyone really give a fluck?  LOL.  I just need to fix the damn problem with my lack of appearances in cyberspace and get things done.  I feel myself getting rusty so I need to write to keep my skills sharp.

This time instead of writing about what I have not done on the blog, the only thing that I will say is that I have put writing on my weekly schedule so I can AT LEAST put my eyeball on  So here I am on a nice summer night in the library pecking away at my computer.  I feel a bit proud of myself!   I've only been here about 15 minutes but there is a musty muthafucca sitting next to me wrecking my damn flow.  This is the only free table with computer outlets so I’ll just try to make it work and cover my nose when he shifts in his seat.  I just need to bang this post out.  

(holds breath)

Ok here we go.

First I will at least quickly recap the last few months to try to bring things up to date.

NEWSFLASH!!!!  Believe it or not I actually have ONE man now.  Not even a backup dude to dabble in now and then.  The way I had operated for years was to always have at least two dudes on the roster, but as time has passed I have slowed down with that A LOT.  For one it’s too hard to manage, and number two these guys got too much shit going on with them for me to be dealing with a double dose of drama.  The older they get the more rock headed they get and it is just too much!  Men get to be soooooo much work after a while.  
And what gets me is that men have the damn nerve to be talking about women of a certain age got baggage when they are honestly some big fluckin babies themselves   They are just as sensitive as women and  throw fits and tantrums like toddlers.   All THEE time.  Word.

So let's introduce my dude as Trinidad.  He is pretty alright.  He acts and does a lot of the things I like and he is tolerable….not perfect…but tolerable.  He can be a lot of work and sensitive too…he ain’t no different than what I said earlier.  I just realize that’s how men eventually turn out to be so now I just try to work with it and see where it goes.  We have been dating for about 2.5 years and for me that’s some amazing shit!  So let’s see how long I can keep this up.  I’ll have to elaborate on dude another time because something between us is brewing.  Like I said before — he ain’t perfect, and neither am I.  

Anyway....financially things are better too.  Last September I blogged that I quit a job and took a consultant temp role that was a $25k per year pay cut.  It was a dice roll and some may have called me stupid, but that dice roll eventually paid off because taking that step backwards opened doors for me in a major way.  I kept interviewing for something better and was getting turned down left and right, but within three months I got a new job making over six figures.  So in the long run the risk paid off big time and has helped me to put almost $66,000 dollars in my savings account.  Who woulda thought that I could make that happen?!!!  That $66K may not be a huge amount, but seeing that in the past I barely had $200 saved this is a major achievement.  Since my bankruptcy in 2010 things have gotten way better and I swear doing that was the best (and toughest) decision that I ever made.  Yeah I have the ding on my credit report for a few more years but my worries about paying my bills are gone.  I can save money now and my credit score has improved over 100 points since the bankruptcy.  I have paid off my car a year and a half early too.  Things are certainly way better now from when I first started writing DIARY OF A BROKE ASS WOMAN!  For realz.  And although I’ll confess that I still have my moments with spending on clothes and what not, I usually just pay the charges with a credit card and pay the balance off in the next month to keep things under control.  I have my regular job and my consulting work to bring in money to help when I fall off the shopping wagon.  Plus my credit limit is like $750 so I ain’t going too crazy with that anyway, and I put in my budget what I can spend on shopping each month.  The $750 limit ain’t nothing special but it will do me just fine because the point of using the card is to build my credit score anyway.  The website tracks my spending and puts everything into categories which helps me see how my money flows.

Um, what else has been happening???  Oh yes!  I had my “ cuteness surgery”  late last year.  Yep I did it!  The first couple days after were awful but I’m happy with the results for the most part!  There are things that I still have to do like stay fit and eat right but I’m looking way better than I did before (not that I was that bad in the first place).  I have to get into the details later but since the surgery things have ‘shifted’ to other areas and I didn’t expect that at all!  Like today when I was leaving work, somebody called me Stella.  Not sure if I liked that too much just because I hate facing the reality that I am getting older, but since Angela Bassett was looking good in that movie I guess I’ll go ahead and take it as a compliment????   And even though Trinidad was against me doing the surgery, I think NOW he is happy with the end result.  And how do I know this?  Because I can see it in his hungry eyes. 

Damn It’s good to be back writing!  I see that I have about the same number of followers so I guess that’s good!?  LOL…no it ain’t.  The blog is stagnant.  I know people were reading when I used to write about Shallow Hal and my escapades with him but since I killed them off I think folks left me.  It’s not a lot left to say on that but that was like 3-4 years ago anyway and since then Shallow Hal has just worsened with age.  We used to be cool but I have decided that I can’t be socializing with that donkey no mo’.  For the longest time I had been smelling the disrespect coming from him, and I had to remind him way too often that I was not one of his birds.  Shallow Hal is a bully and eventually made our situation rocky as hell.   We had some moments where we would actually be cool, but just as he always does, he fks up stuff to a point where I finally had to block him a couple months ago.  The downfall began when something that started out being joke on his asshole friend turned into a betrayal.  Shallow Hal proved that he wasn’t on my team and once I saw that, it was the beginning of the end of our “friendship.”  I had no loyalty to him and all we would do is argue.

Shallow Hal:  “You just wanna see me hurt for something.”
Me:  LOL.  “You just wanna see me hurt for something.”  You so damn stupid.  You deserve to "hurt for something" for all that you have done to people.  Punk ass.

And that's from one of the light conversations.  And where did all of this come from?  I’ll get into my post called THE JOKE next time but for now I will say was a joke that both of us tried to set up.  After the smoke cleared it ended up with Shallow Hal showing his ass and by that point I was DONE.  He pushed me too far and THE JOKE became a mess.  

But you know what?  After everything that I have heard, Shallow Hal is probably right.  I kinda do wanna see him get knocked down off his throne.  And I've been thinking on what I can come up with to make that happen.

"Off with his head!"

More later.  I can't sit by this musty muthafucca no more!