Tuesday, May 22, 2012

"Who You Callin' A Bytch?" : Standoff in the Subway

It’s Friday evening.  Rush hour in NYC.  The weekend is here and I am the last person left in the office at work.  After much debate, I decide to skip going to happy hour even though the weather was nice.  It was a hard decision because the energy in the air was crazy and the city was electric.  What changed my mind was that I was loaded down with bags and my laptop and I didn’t feel like lugging all that crap   into a bar.   I am always, always, always losing shyt and it always happens when I have a lot of shyt with me.  In a three month period:
·         I lost my tip jar in a bar – DRUNK
·         I lost my $284 bus non-refundable fkn bus pass
·         I lost my wallet on a trip to Houston…which had the SECOND $284 bus pass that I had just replaced
And then last week I lost my damn driver’s license.  The one I had just replaced not even a month before.  I just have too much shyt in my bag and too many things on my mind and it is just causing chaos in my life.  So I opted to just be corny and slooooowwww down and take my azz home.  No happy hour that night.  I was just gonna clean up and drop the load of stuff I was carrying on both my shoulders.
Things are pretty ordinary at first.  I’m standing on the subway platform and it’s not very crowded, but after a few minutes I sensed something was wrong.  The trains were not coming into the station and the platform was filling with people very quickly.  In NYC trains come every couple minutes to shuttle the people out of the station, but by the time I had waited about eight minutes for the train, the platform was packed.  Not cool.
And of course this would happen when I have another train to catch in less than 15 minutes.
There's pushing and shoving of course when the train finally arrives, and I squeeze myself onto it.  Still no biggie.  It happens.  I am only going two stops but I take a minute to read some mail that was in my bag.  Again, no biggie.  Four minutes later I’m at my stop, but nobody is moving off the car it seems.  No bueno.   I have a train to catch in less than 10 minutes!!!
Newsflash.  You gotta keep it moving on the subway okay?  People get off, people get on.  The door opens and you have like two seconds to make a decision.  That’s it.  But for some reason on this occassion, nobody is moving?  The door is open.  The clock is ticking.  And I gotta go!

I search for the source of the problem.  I see this blond chick in the doorway who seems to be confused as to what to do.  You could tell that it wasn’t her stop, and she wasn’t sure about moving onto the platform so that people could get off.  Maybe she was afraid she wasn't gonna get back on.  The train was packed and the platform had hundreds of people waiting, and she was in the doorway trying to figure the shyt out.  What was probably only a few seconds she tried to work it out in her mind, but it seemed like minutes to me.  Precious minutes that I needed to use to get to my train, which was a long azz New York City block away.  Eventually this guy behind me says, “I wanna get off.”   He was directing it at the people near the door.   Still the blond lady looks confused and is still in the damn doorway.  I see her and say in a normal voice, “Move onto the platform.”  I called myself trying to coach her I guess.
But who responds?  Some muthafucca who was standing behind that lady waiting for her to move too.
He barks, “Just wait a minute!  We can’t move if there are other people in front of us!  Just wait!” 
He was angry.  Loud.  Nasty.  I honestly didn’t hear everything that he said exactly, but I did notice his tone.  He seemed really hot and bothered.  At first it didn’t even affect me.  I've seen plently of pissy people in my life and on the subway.  Plus nowadays I am slow to react with things sometimes (a big fault of mine), and his level of stank-ocity didn't register fully.  All I was thinking about was making my train honestly, and I literally had minutes to get to it.  I didn't focus on him and how he sounded.  I wanted to get off.
So I wait again.   The guy next to me waits too.  Still....NOBODY MOVES.
Then the guy behind me says it again, “I wanna get off.”  This time a little louder and with more frustration in his voice.

I chime in.  “Excuse me, I need to get off.”  My voice was even and calm.  I wasn't upset yet.
Then the same stank white guy says something again.  Again he is way too mad about the situation, but I don’t hear it all because finally there is some movement in the car.   I’m just trying to get off and I was focusing on that.   I say, “I’m sorry but I have a train to catch" as I moved my way towards the door.

And at that moment the situation went left.  Way left.  The guy and the blond chick finally moved their azzes out to the platform.  He positions himself near the subway door so he can step back on after people get off.  As I pass him to get off the train, he screams at the top of his lungs....

“Awww why don’t you shut up you f*ckin’ bitch!!!!”

I stop dead in my tracks.  SAY WHAT!!!!!!!!??????????  At that point, it was over.  I mean really over. 

I turn around and although he is not making eye contact with me, I can see his pasty face with his jaws tightened.    Oh you mad huh?  You wanna see mad?  You want to take me from zero to 20 in a millisecond, call me a bytch for no reason and you'll see mad real quick.

In an instant I transformed into the Incredible Hulk, Medusa, and The Exorcist combined.  I was not me and I was not in control.

I get in his face.   And I mean right in his face.  And with a deep, throaty growl I hollered,

“Who you callin’ a bitch….......BITCH!!!!?”
I was loud.  I said that so loud it strained my throat.  I stayed in his face.  Then something rumbled inside of me.  From the pit of my stomach, the monster grew and erupted, and before I even knew what was happening --- I pushed him with my body.   I see his face tighten with anger.  He steps backward to push me with his body.  You pushed me back?  Really?  And before I could think...

I hit him.  With my balled up fist I hit him.
I saw him flinch as my fist landed on his body.  I hear people on the platform gasp, and someone was saying, “Hey, hey, hold on there.”  I was ready.  No way was he gonna insult me like that over some bullshyt.  NOT TODAY.
He didn't make another move though, and before I knew it he had walked back into the train.  He didn’t say another word either.  He just stood there, holding the pole in the train, looking in another direction.  He did not make eye contact with me, and strangely the anger in his face had downshifted to neutral?  Just a quickly as this azzhole blew up, he went into an emotionless stance.   My face was still full of anger though, and I was ready for his azz.  How dare you call me a bitch over the fact that I want to get off the train?  The damn lady was the fuckin’ problem, not him.  Maybe she was with him and he was defending her…who knows.  All I know is that the situation didn’t call for him yelling at me like that and I was ready to fight his azz over it.   Bags on my shoulders and all. 
When I saw that he wasn’t gonna make another move and that he had created some distance between us, I started to walk away.   A booming “MUTHAFUCCA!!!!” roared from my lips.  I was hot as hell!   I saw people looking at me but I didn’t give a f*ck.  I was steamed.  After that chick punked me in the subway last year (Standoff in the Subway), and that dude tried to pick on me at the movie, I wasn’t having it.  I just wasn’t.
I made it to my train, but honestly I felt that I should have stayed on that damn subway and decked that muthafucca.  I know that's not cool to think that way, but I did for a few minutes.  I know people in NYC are crazy but he was totally out of line.  People keep pushing me.  On the street.  In the bar.  In the movies.  I never told that story on the blog did I? About how some random man felt he was gonna f*ck with me because I was by myself in the movies one day?  Oooh….boy. 
(jaw tightening as I remember that incident)
Don’t these people know that I take boxing classes and that I am a muthafuccin’ NINJA in a dress???? 
Anyway people pass out the bytch word way too much these days, and honestly these men have such blatant disrespect for women now that it’s just ridiculous.   That dude knew I meant business and opted to close his mouth as he held that pole waiting for the door to close.  He should have closed his mouth in the first f*ckin' place.  For real.  The situation didn't have to go there and he was being a damn azzhole.
“Who you callin’ a bitch?”
Not me dammit.  That’s for sure.
I just hope next time this happens I don't lose it again.  
(I need some brass knuckles in my life.)

Tuesday, May 15, 2012

Interview with a Dog Readers: Selfish Thrill Seekers

I had made a post and published it, but trying to be fancy and do things from my phone the repost came up blank.  So I lost the whole post and I was so annoyed that I just left it alone for a minute.
So let me try it again since my jets have cooled down a little bit.  A thousand other things have gone thru my head since then but I do think I need to come back and finish where I left off.  I am sitting here in the Dominican Republic in this boring azz airport so I am gonna take this time to rewrite my post.   More on my solo trip to unchartered international territory at a later time.   I have this group of brothers sitting in the chairs behind me.  I bet they were here looking at Dominican ass all week – a man trip.  From what one of them was saying it may have been a bachelor trip?  I hear talk of license and tuxedos and what not.  Maybe one of them is marrying a Dominican chick?  I dunno.  They kinda look to be in my age range too.  I hope they don’t lean over and ask me what I am typing, because if they do they might become a part of this blog post.  Depending on what they say and how much I start drinking, things could go way to the left so I better be careful.  I’m just gonna keep writing.  I have been getting mistaken for being Dominican all week, so maybe they think I don’t know English and won’t talk to me.  LOL.  That’s cool with me! 

HOLD UP.  They are back there whispering about their trip now.  Shhhh!!!  I'm just gonna peck on the keys and act like I'm typing so that I can hear what they are saying. 
(pauses to listen)
Ok I'm back.  The were talking about typical man vacation shyt:
"Man, she was good." 
"She wanted more money."
"You do the 69?"
"Nah, I wasn't gonna taste that shyt." 

"What was the name of that spot again?"

"The Ali Baba".

(more laughter)
"Man did we have the best time or what?"
Etc. Etc.  I peeped one of them.  Yeah I see why he had to pay for some azz.  Ugh. 

What the hell goes on at the Ali Baba?  I would Google it but I have my work laptop with me and no telling what might come up.   I'll see what pops up from my phone.  I'm sooooo nosey!!!

Anyway.  Where was I?
Last I wrote that I was gonna stop writing about the Shallow Hal story because I felt that I was thinking too much about certain replies.  Thinking waayyy too much about it.  I tend to obsess on things and it was becoming counter-productive. 
Then I was encouraged.  I was so overwhelmed by the comments on that post that I was floored!   I think I got the most comments I ever received in over two years of writing on this blog.  I know there are followers but you never really know if they read or not, and people who have never commented took a few minutes to send me something.   That was so cool.  I was so overwhelmed!  So I’m back to reply because I think it would be messed up if I didn’t acknowledge the comments I received.
The blog fam came out and said some wonderful things to me - not so much about the Shallow Hal drama, but about my writing and that they liked it.  They spoke to me beyond the story and acknowledged my feelings about things and my life, and some even reminded me about the purpose of my blog in general. It was all cool.  It was all good.  It made me feel better and I exhaled. 

But in the back of my mind, I knew it wouldn’t last.
Everyone doesn’t send me messages on the blog you know.  People have contacted me thru email asking me different things about business or about how they can relate to things I post.  It ranges.  I usually don’t talk about what comes thru the backdoor on this blog, but this time I am gonna break that rule.  Let’s call him Mr. Thoughtful Reader. 
Hey You
I'm reading your blog as I write this right now as a matter of fact not finished yet. Not that it matters but at least this happened in December instead of now - I so hope you listen to some of your thoughtful readers, you did not respond to them just to the thrill seekers who luv train wrecks. I do too obviously but not when its a friend.
If nothing else you should do something with your writing skills your better than a lot of folks that publish.

(So I guess all of those comments I got are from you thrill seekers.  )

Nope not gonna respond to criticism comments bc that snowballs and goes into a back and forth.  I addressed them all technically in the current post.  I respond to who I want.  Lol.  
Thank u for the compliment on the writing.  Actually some of the other bloggers write just as well to me????

(Then I posted again and say that I am not gonna write about Shallow Hall anymore.  Once I saw the positive comments coming through, I knew it wouldn’t be too long before I saw an email from him.)
Even though I stumbled on your blog in the beginning because of the avatar you used in the paper, your writing kept me coming back. Just finished reading your stuff and although I might not be your earliest reader I'm up there, you already know I luv the way you right and titillate, and consider you a "friend".
You should make a distinction between those responding as a reader, in which case why do they care what you write as long as it's interesting, and a virtual friend who sees your actions contradicting everything I know about you. Not to mention how it felt to you when you found the tin man and the others cheating on you. I think even you know that something ain't right on so many levels, your too intelligent not to. When you read what you wrote in the light of day you seem contrite, hence you stop. Yes we all have done bad things - but to do so, so shamelessly as if your writing about someone else is hard to understand. When you add your blatant disregard for 2 other pregnant  females as if your just doing what comes natural it reaches a whole another level. Your other "loyal" readers - if you wrote that you banged your whole office and then went home and did your half sister and the dog they would be on the edge of their seats for the next installment.
PS: I have several Google accounts but prefer taking this off line.

(Yeah okay you take everything offline since you can’t be Anonymous on the blog.   Whatever.)


I'm gonna post this on the blog because this is where it needs to be.

This is why I wrote that post.  This email right here.  It's like you WANT PEOPLE TO CRTICIZE ME.  You didn't like that I didn't respond to the criticism, and you minimize the people who have not expressed an opinion and just want to read the story.  It's like you want me to get beat up virtually or something, and you only cosign the critical comments.

I don't know how you figure you're acting as friend because you just won't quit with the criticism.  I heard you several times before already on this.  Again, if you don't approve then don't read.  You can have your opinions.  Like I said on the blog, just keep them to yourself.  I'm good.

See how he takes note to the fact that I didn’t respond to the thoughtful readers and only to the thrill seekers? He seems to frown when I only respond to the lighter comments.  I already know what it’s like to go back and forth with him, so why the f*ck would I do it with more people? 
I finally had to ask myself why was I trying to keep his comments private when I posted my shyt PUBLICLY on the blog? It didn’t make sense anymore.  All I know is that the locker room talk is done and this will no longer be a private conversation.  If we gonna talk about anything that I posted on this blog, then on this blog is where it will be discussed.  And that’s that. 
They are calling me to board my flight.  Now I get to look at the other brothers in this crew. 
(turn to glance and pretend to look towards one of the airport stores)
Hmmm...one of them looks pretty good.  I actually saw a lot of nice looking Dominican men here this week though.  I'm definitely coming back.  I liked passing for Dominican.  Once I start speaking in my fugged up Spanish my cover gets blown though.  LOL. 

Anyways...the attention was cool.  I got to practice my Spanish. 

As for the Shallow Hal posts, I'll think on it.  I'll think on it and maybe go ahead with it since I started the damn series????  So hey, maybe Shallow Hal is not over after all?? At times I have to take a break from hearing about his shyt cuz he is just hard to take.  I think that's why it takes so long for me to put the posts together.
Plus I do have other things to talk about besides his azz.
(to self...Hal or no Hal.  Hal or no Hal.)