Wednesday, February 23, 2011

Day #511: The Best I Ever Had!

Going to the Bahamas alone
was probably one of the best things
I have done in my life! 

It was the best vacation I have ever had.  Fo' sho.

I don't think I will ever travel with a big ol' group of single females again.  And I was hardly by myself anyways.  Someone was always willing to show me around and alla that.  The natives would ride the bus with me and show me around town and what not.  Right from the first day, so I was cool. 

And the timing was perfect too.  I was there on Valentine's Day and I didn't have to see people walking around with ten thousand balloons and roses and teddy bears.  I didn't have to see everyone crowded up in restaurants and what not.  My mind was on chilling and basking in the sunlight.  People were about VACATIONING and hardly seemed to be sweating V-Day.  At least not from what I could tell.  Now I did see some couples when I went out at Atlantis that night and yeah they were cute.  I even saw some chicks with red and white hair!!!!  GHETTO and hood hair was alive and well in the Bahamas for real.  I was actually tripping on all of the wigs I saw on the sistas in the Bahamas.  I mean EVERYONE had a wig or lacefront on.  Or damn near everyone.  I saw a few dreads and a few permed heads, but they were definitely in the minority.  So I was feeling quite comfortable wearing my "W" on the beaches needless to say.  Some of those wigs was crazy looking though.  Crazee.  I had to laugh at a few of them.  I think I spotted more than my fair share of Shenenehs and Wandas when I was there. 

But the dudes were soooo complimentary.  OMG!  You want to go to a place where you will feel like you are the most beautiful, sexiest thing in the world?  Go to the Bahamas. 

"You like candy to my eyes girl."

Oh am I really?  Wow! 

I was getting drinks and meals and hookups and little cheap (but cute) beach jewelry and everything.  The brothers were very nice from the moment I took the plane from Miami to Nassau.  Got two numbers before I even got off the plane.  LOL.  It was actually pretty cool and I was very appreciative of the attention.  I don't take compliments well so I mustered up my thank you responses and smiled.  I do think that the Bahamas is the place to go if you need to find a husband though!  It seemed like a lot of men where there.  Or if you're not looking for a hubby you can go there to get some nice, non-asshole like attention.  It was very refreshing - well at least to me it was.

So what did I do?

Drink.  I don't know how many Bahama Mamas I drank but it was a lot.  I didn't get real buzzed though.  I kept things under control.

I got on the Booze Cruise.  The drinks was aiight and the lunch was raggedy but it was still pretty cool.  I was the only black chick on the boat besides the employees though.  I was okay though.  I even went up to chat with the captain.  He looked like the rapper Candyman from back in the day.  Haha.

I met another dude that looked like Martin.  He worked at a funeral home!  So I got to talk to him about the industry since I was going to be applying for school there this year.

I met this dude named Nemo who said he had two birthdays.  WTF?  He was telling me this crazy azz story about how his mom and dad had a disagreement about his date of birth so they both went and got different birth certificates.  He was just going on and on, until I finally told him that I didn't come all the way to the Bahamas to listen to some bullshyt azz story.  "I can hear all the bullshyt I want at home", I said.  And with that he changed the subject and bought me another drink.  Thank the lawd.  Did I mention that he looked like T-Pain?  All day. 

He even had those dumb azz white shades on too.  No lie.  But he was funny.  Later he hung out in the whirlpool with me and got very acquainted with my toes.  I just couldn't stop giggling.

I rode those Segway thingys too.  Too much fun!  When I win the lottery I am gonna buy me one. 

I got on a wave runner for a little bit after the dude promised that my hair wouldn't get wet.  Wigs and water don't mix.  Then on top of that I was afraid that my wig would blow off my damn head altogether.  I kept seeing visions of my wig floating in the ocean like Wilson The Ball did in the movie Castaway with Tom Hanks.

Remember how Tom Hanks was screaming, "Wilson!  Wilson!"  when the ball floated away? I know fo' sho that I would have been hollering like that if my damn wig flew off in the fuggin' Atlantic Ocean. 

"Ashanti! Ashanti!" 

I didn't make that up either.  That's the name of the wig I was wearing.  You know how these wigs got names on the packages for the styles.  Haha.  The thought of losing my wig was making me nervous so I took my sunglasses and wore them on the outside of my hair to hold it down.  It worked thank goodness.  Now I was ready to enjoy the damn wave runner.  After a while, the guy actually let me drive it and it was fun.  I think he was trying to be up on my booty but I was off the thing in fifteen minutes so that shyt was cut short.  When I go back there I will just take the wig off (or bring a back up wig) so I won't sweat getting my hair wet.  I wanna take that thing to the limit next time!  Without someone on my azz.  LOL.

I sang some songs at karaoke too. 

"Love is a battefield!"

I have now made my international mark in karaoke singing.  Who knew?

Pictures?  I hate taking pictures.  I brought the camera and it was acting up so I have a few island shots that I will post later if I get around to it.  Don't hold your breath though. 

I think I'm going back this year.  Seriously.  I will stay like ten days this time.  If I have a sweetie by then maybe he can come along, but if not...I will ride solo. 

Being by myself I could think, be spontaneous, talk to who I wanted to talk to, go where I wanted, etc and not have to consult or coordinate with anybody.  I didn't feel alone because people will talk to you and it was all good.  In fact, it was the best thing ever.  The Bahamas was beautiful.  After doing this I know that I will do a solo trip again, and again, and again while I can.  I was proud of myself actually.  I felt like the bravest, most adventurous person on that island.  I kinda felt like a bad azz and I encourage people to do it themselves, especially women.  Honestly, I don't know why women fear doing things alone like going to movies and clubs and restaurants?  No one really cares.  No one will point at you and laugh and stare.  It's not a big deal to anyone else but yourself if you let it be.  In the back of people's minds they may come up with a theory as to why you are by yourself, but they will never tell you about it.  So again...who cares? 

It's okay to do things alone and enjoy your single, fabulous self. 

There are so many things that I have done solo like owning my business and living in every time zone in the United States.  Now I can add that I have traveled internationally...alone.  This trip was just another adventure in what has been a somewhat crazy, off the chain life.

Yeah, I'm feeling myself a little bit right now, and I am giving myself a big
HI-FIVE!!!  (singing)

"I ain't braggin' 'cause I'm the one
You just ask me ooh and it shall be done
And don't bother to compare
'Cause I've got it
I've got it, I've got it, yeah"

"I'm every woman!"

Friday, February 11, 2011

You Cannot Catch Feelings...

...if we have signed a Coochie Contract (right NC17?).


I get my d*ck.

You get some p*ssy.

We don't kiss on the lips, cuddle, or put heads on anyone's shoulders.  I don't cook for you and you can get up and get your own glass of water.

You don't change the channel on my TV to sports.  We watching Good Times or Dateline NBC because I pay the cable here.  Just sit over there quietly with your d*ck out until I'm ready to sit on it. 

You can text me dirty, sexy things and call me and say dirty, sexy things...cuz I likey that. 

We can eat, laugh, drink, watch TV, talk about people, and crack on each other in a joking type of way.  We can have fun.  But please note, we don't talk about "US" in that "US" type of way bruh.  There is no "us."  Got it?

So as a reminder,

YOU DO NOT ask me if it's your p*ssy.  I repeat.  You do not ask me if it's your p*ssy.  It will never be.  The contract doesn't talk about 'owning' anything.  Leasing?  Yeah maybe.  A lease without the option to buy. 

YOU DO NOT ask me or wonder OUTLOUD what I do with other people.

YOU DO NOT beg for attention or ask for attention.  I see you dammit!  I don't have to look into your face or eyes to know you're sitting over there.

YOU DO NOT stare at me with those "She's mine" eyes when other dudes are around.

YOU DO NOT send me texts sounding like a whining bytch such as, "Don't be ignoring my texts" or "Why you just now answering my texts."  Don't start this shyt!  Boy, I'll get back to you when I get back to you. 

Point blank.  We just f*cking.  Okay, okay.  I'll be less blunt and say it like this...we are just enjoying each other's company.  Just until somebody else better comes along.  So please, please, don't catch feelings right now because you gonna mess everything up!  The sex is good, so why mess it up with 'feelings'?  Honestly, I don't want you to 'feel' me because I have no feelings for any of you right now.  Yeah, yeah.  I know.  Then why deal with any man?  Because I like a little d*ck every now and then that's why.  And I'm not going without because somebody did me wrong.  I'm still gonna get mine....and right now I'm gettin it from you.  Ok boo?  Are we clear?

(I brush my lips softly against his cheek, but not so as to be mistaken for a kiss)

"What if I had a thing on the side, made you cry
Would the rules change up or would they still apply
If I played you like a toy?
Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy
Can't be getting mad, but you mad, can't handle that?
Can't be getting mad, but you mad, can't handle that?"

I don't have time for this okay.  Please re-read the terms of the contract and do what you signed up to do...which is to serve d*ck. 

(Again, I brush my lips against his cheek ever so softly, and then lean to whisper in his ear)

"I'm not your girl."

(He looks at me stoned faced for a minute, and then...he smiles.)

"Cool,"  he says. 

"Cool", I say.  I slowly start unbuttoning his pants.  He grows.  I look down at it. 

"See.  I knew you would understand."

Wednesday, February 2, 2011

The Blueprint

I know I'm late about drawing up a blueprint for 2011 ( thanks to CurvyGirl for the 'blueprint' terminology).  I keep saying that I was gonna draft something up all last month and now here it is February and I still haven't done anything!  I need to stop playing and get some goals down for real.  But I'm just so distracted about things that it is rendering me unproductive.  I feel like I'm slowly becoming...

Yes.  Corny and horny.  Not a good combination. 

When I get home I just get undressed, eat, and then lay on the couch and daydream,

or I lay on the couch and sing along with the songs playing on the computer,

or I lay on the couch and listen to those azzholes upstairs romp back and forth.

I am becoming a little ridiculous with this laying down shyt.  It's getting really bad.  Is it age?  I always wondered why my mother is always laying down in the bed.   Is that just something you do as you get older?  Hmmm.  I wonder.  All I know is I gotta shake this corny shyt off.  I feel like a human cat.  You know how they just lay around, then eat, then lay down some more?  That's me on Saturday morning/Sunday afternoon.  When I had my business I was ALWAYS running, thinking, moving.  I begged for rest and free time and couldn't get it.  Now it's like I have too much rest.  And too much rest will be the death of me.


See I'm doing it again.  I'm supposed to drafting my blueprint and I'm getting distracted.  Ok so let me bang this out really quick.  I have to put dates on as much as possible because if I don't then I won't be on top of it like I should.  Here we go really quickly:

  • Save $8K by the end of the year.  I want to hit $10K but I'll set the bar at eight and will try to beat that.
  • Decide by May if I am going to reopen my business or not.
  • Market my consulting business at least once per quarter.  I need more clients!
  • Update my business website content at least monthly so that it comes up on Google better.  I read that if you update your site more often with like news, etc it should come up more on Google?  I hope so because when I Google it my shyt is on like page 15 in the searches.  Not good.
  • Go to a professional meetup or business meeting/seminar at least once a month.
  • Learn to step.  It's a shame that I'm from the Midwest and can barely step.  Found this group in NYC that teaches it and I've been to a couple events.  I'm still like a brand new pony with my legs though but I'm trying.
  • Travel internationally.  Bahamas in ten days baby!
  • Travel to Arizona by August.  I just wanna go there and check it out.
  • I will not get any more than three parking tickets this year.  Already got one already though.  I gotta try harder.  Last year I think I had about five or six.  Living close to NYC is a beotch when it comes to parking.
  • Buy only one bag of Tostitos a month.  I'm addicted to nachos and salsa.  I was buying like five bags of those multigrain joints and I would kill a bag in like a day and a half.  I just inhale them and look in the empty bag and wonder how they went so fast.  So if I buy this one bag of chips, and I eat them all up too fast...then I'll just be azzed out for the rest of the month.  This tortilla chip madness has to end!
  • Have one week a month where don't eat meat.  I used to do the vegetarian thang and it wasn't that hard.  Easy goal.
  • Get killa thighs!  So I have to modify my workouts to work my legs three days a week.  I think I can do it.  Seeing a little difference already.
  • See about getting my earlobe fixed.  It's kinda stretched and I wanna see how much it costs to fix it.  It's not all that bad but I'll ask anyways.  Last year I did my feet!  I love looking at my toes now!  :)
  • Only have three and a half drinks when I go to the bar.  I say 'a half' because I usually go when the have two for one and if I finish all four of them, I'll probably get a fifth.  I don't want to waste the fourth drink that I bought, so I'll just sip on it and bounce.  Did that two weeks ago at this bar and it seemed to work okay.
  • Move out no later than May.  I already decided that two weeks before I move out I'm gonna buy one of those sirens and turn it on when I come back at 3am or 4am from bartending.  Yep.  Gonna wake those muthafuccas up in mid-sleep like they do me every damn day at 5:15am (rubs hands together).  Payback is a dog.
  • Unsubscribe from all these crazy email things like Pizza Hut, Alamo Car Rental, Ebay, Best Buy, TJ Maxx, and crap like that.  I even get emails from a cheese manufacturer.  It's just ridiculous and it just fills up my mailbox.
  • Men - uh, that's a whole blog in itself.  But I will say that no more 'text convos'. 
    Five texts is the limit.  Then somebody needs to to call. 
  • Don't give my number out to someone I know I don't wanna talk to.  Just remind myself of that dude who sent me pics of a man with the dyck the size of the three cucumbers.  Ignorant bastard.
  • Stop believing and putting so much weight on someone's words.  A person's actions is what I can take to the bank.
  • Stop dealing with dudes that can't fluckin' spell.  I'm tired of meeting these dummies in JC.
  • If a dude says he works two jobs or more or works a lot of overtime then just keep on walking.  He won't have time for me and will always be talking about work and how tired he is.  VETO!  I have nothing against a man working hard but those types just never pan out well on the quality time thing.  Even a dude that has just one job and only talks about work is on the caution list with me.
  • Either wear all the shyt in my apartment at some point in the next twelve months or get rid of it.  Except for gowns,dresses, and certain shoes of course.
  • Be on time for work, the gym, the bus, etc.  Stop being 15 minutes late for every fluckin thing.  And stop getting out of the bed at the last damn minute too.  I just wanna kick myself for the lateness problem that I have.
  • Get me a new kitty!  Hopefully after I move.  I like cats.  I miss my suga bear sooo much.
  • Check my personal email three times a day, not 333 times a day like I seem to do.  Once before noon, once before six, and once before 11pm.    That 'new email' sound makes you a slave to your phone and I'm taking the sound off today.  I got this tip from an entrepreneur at a seminar who suggested this because he says you get distracted looking at these emails that come to your box all day.  It pulls you in all kinds of directions at times.  If something is urgent people should use another method to contact you.  Now how I handle work email will be different, but I will just check it as it pops up on my computer while AT WORK.  I don't do the Twitter thing and don't sweat FB that hard so I'm good with those things.  This one will be HARD (very hard) but I'm gonna give it a try starting tomorrow.  I'm just as addicted to checking email as I am with eating chips and salsa.  It's like I can't help myself.
  • Stop being so damn nice.  I gotta stop and think and recognize shyt faster than I do.  Then address the stankness IN THE MOMENT and not worry about if I'm being too this or too that.  People disrespect me a lot I feel and I'm really tired of it.  I really am.  When I was younger I had a sharper tongue but these days not so much.  What happened to all the sass I used to have?  You need sass to keep people in check.  For real.
Ok I did it.  It's not edited so I may modify it a bit but I gotta bounce right now.  I think it's a pretty good list.

Bartending tonight.  Hope people come out with all of this ice.  I need Bahama cash!