Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Cock Blocker?

Aiight so I've been working trying to meet folks on Match and BlackPeopleMeet before the subscription expires in a few days. 

In four days I met three dudes.  Met another two in the weeks prior.  Of those five...I think I may have someone for the d*ck roster, even though that's what I was looking for exactly.  (I gotta get into that on another post.) I had been corresponding with him for about a week or so.  He's an assistant vice president at a major financial services firm. 

(nodding head)

FINALLY!  A man with money in his hand!   I’ve been waiting soooo long to meet someone like this.  Haha.  But it wasn't just about what he did for a living though.  He actually sounded kinda boring, and even though I sensed that he might be arrogant and shallow in some of the things he had said to me, I still decided to go ahead and meet him anyway.  I wanted to meet him because I wanted to see the person behind the cocky messages.  I think he was curious who I was too, because he asked if I was confrontational.  So we both were probably like, “Lemme see who the hell this person is.”  So for now I’m gonna call him Shallow Hal (more on that in another post).

I tell Shallow Hal to meet me in Times Square, but I don't say where we are going.  There was a free movie screening going on with a Meetup group I am a member of.  I was just gonna say, "Come on, let's go', and hope that he would be game for it.  I was testing his level of corniness and spontaneity with that idea. I wait for him, and he's mad late but he calls and tells me so.  Oh well.

A minute later my friend who organized the movie screening calls me and says she is on her way to the theater.  I had kinda forgotten about her.

"Are you gonna meet me there?"

"Sure yeah, I'll be there…with a friend of mine."

"Okay. See you in a little bit."

I hang up the phone and then it dawned on me. 

What the f*ck am I doing?

Rhianna of NYC is on her way.  To meet up with you and your first date with the Vice President.  You know, that pretty chick with red hair and a big ol' double booty who guys stay sweating. 

(insert dumb look here)

Rhianna (spelled wrong purposely) of NYC is what I'm gonna name this missy.  I never made the red hair connection to her and the singer until I started typing this blog today.  I don’t know why hooking up with her didn’t register in my head when I decided to have dude meet me at the movie screening.  No way can I have this chick meet my date when I'm on a Kelly Rowland level in comparison to her.  I mean I was ready to put in work on his optical senses; I wore a sexy dress because I always try to bring my "A" game to a first date.  I was cool.  But when this chick comes on the scene, she can take away your shine pretty damn fast.  She's tall, has a Lena Horne complextion, and red hair that she been rocking looooong before Rhianna even made her first record.  She is quite striking, and I'll give her that.  Normally when I’m with her I don't mind her gettin' mad attention, but today I would mind.  And I didn't want her around.

I had messed up, and being the person that I am I wasn’t gonna cancel meeting her after I already said that I would come.  Damn.

Rhianna makes it to me first.   I thought that was actually a good thing so I can debrief her on the situation.  She comes in doing her Meetup business, but the movie has already started. Then she turns to me and asks me if I am coming inside.  I hesitate.

 "Well my friend hasn't made it yet.  But I'll go on in the theater and when he calls I'll step out."

I follow Rhianna up the stairs.  She has some tight azz jeans on and her booty is just tremendous.  Her red hair is pulled back in a ponytail and her mouth was painted with this bright devil red lipstick.  The girl is a muthafuccin’ light bulb.  While she is chattering away, in my mind I'm like...

"We can't sit with her!  We can't sit with her!  Shyt.  And because she is late and the movie started, she can't hookup with any other the Meetup members now.  She won't find them.  F*ck!!"

We get into the movie theater, and just like a diva she thinks she can get a prime seat when the shyt already started.   It was like she really WAS Rhianna and was causing a disruption as she questioned people in the dark about seats.  Just being annoying.  I tell her I'm going to the other side, and I hope that she will just take the one seat in the area that she wanted to be in.  I start to walk to the other side and look back.  Rhianna does not take the single seat and starts to follow me instead. 

Damn.  Strike one.

I find two seats.  We sit down and I tell her that when my friend comes we will go find two other seats on our own since there weren't enough seats in that row.  She turns and asks the dude next to her if the seat is taken.  "No." He says, and he moves his jacket. 

Now there are three seats. 
Rhianna:  "Good. Your friend will have a seat now."

Me:  "Yeah hooray."

*rolls eyes*

So I try something else.

Me (to Rhianna whispering):  "Well this is my first time meeting him.  It's an online date.  So right after the movie me and him are probably wanna go somewhere okay?"

Rhianna:  "Oh ok." 

That was SUPPOSED to be me letting her know that I wanted to be alone with him.   

I thought it would be that simple, but why did I hear birds chirping as she turned her head back to the movie screen? 

I wasn’t convinced.  So I sit.  Barely concentrating on the movie.  Thinking.  Thinking that I can’t trust that Rhianna understood what I meant.

A minute later, Shallow Hal texts and says he's waiting down the street.  Now it’s time to find out if she would prove me right or wrong.

I find him on the street and Shallow Hal is looking good as hell.  He was looking real yummy with his suit on.  I instantly like what I see. 

“Yeah”, I thought to myself, “I need to be alone with this one right here.”

So we go back in the theatre and all I could think about was being alone with dude.  So I lean over to her and ask what she is doing afterwards.
Rhianna:  “Nothing.  What are you two doing?” 
Me:  “Don’t know yet.  This is the first time I am meeting him so we will probably go somewhere.”
Rhianna:  “Well let me know when the movie is over.”
Noooo!!!  Why should I be letting you know anything when this is over?  That was her cue to say she was gonna do HER.OWN.THING.  But nope.  She just looked back at the screen. 
"Chirp!  Chirp!"  Everyone who spoke in the movie all sounded like birds to me now.  I had officially checked out.
The movie finishes and I introduce them…quickly.  I tell Rhianna that I’m going to the bathroom and she follows me.  She sees someone she knows from the Meetup group so I secretly hope that Rhianna will hook up with her, but by time I come out of the stall the chick is gone.  Oh well.

Now Rhianna is on the phone, taking up space in front of the damn sink  in the crowded bathroom but of course she don’t give a f*ck.  I mouth the words to her that I’m leaving, and she holds up her finger asking me to wait, but I just walk on out and act like I didn’t see the gesture.  I find Shallow Hal and start walking towards the escalators.  I look over my shoulder and there is Rhianna, a few steps behind me still talking on the phone!
Couldn’t shake her in the bathroom either.  Strike two.
So now I see the expression on Hal’s face.  He clearly has the, “What the f*ck is going on here expression.”  And so did I.  Rhianna is just chirping away on the phone.
We – me and Shallow Hal - decide to go to restaurant close by to eat.  Rhianna’s azz is still behind us though, and still talking on the muthafuccin’ phone, and following us to the damn restaurant. 
I look back at her and my eyes were like “WTF are you doing” but she is all in this phone convo, and the birds are chirping even louder now.  I quickly prayed that she would just take her azz on, but she didn’t. 
Instead she walked her whack azz into the restaurant with us.  Strike three.
I wanted to punch her in the face.  But me being Miss Nicety, I just try to manage and tell Shallow Hal that Rhianna is just gonna come with us.  He doesn’t respond.  I figured that I was dead already, so might as well just roll with it at this point.  I was pissed at myself for not telling her – PLAINLY AND CLEARLY – that she needed to bounce.  But I guess I just expected her to do what I would have done in that situation.  Thinking that was my BIGGEST MISTAKE.
So we sit at the table, and I think that I am doomed.  She is just running her mouth and being the focus of attention, with her f*cking red hair and her big azz.  I couldn’t even focus on the menu and just asked for a drink.  I basically was like f*ck it. 
But then the universe came to the rescue, because it took less than one minute for Rhianna to slowly start to reveal the true person behind her physical beauty.  Just when I thought that I had struck out, her baseball game was just beginning.  It was now her turn.  She grabs the bat and takes her first swing:
Rhianna:  “Oh I guess we can’t gossip now because HE’S here.” 
And she said it like he was the one intruding on the situation!  I told her that we could save that for another time, but of course she didn’t listen.  But I shut her down politely by saying TWICE that we would gossip another time.  
Shallow Hal then asked her a question.  When she finished talking, I swear that I saw a bird fly past me.  I didn’t know what the f*ck she said, and the expression on his face told me that he didn’t know what the f*ck she said either.  He looked totally unimpressed, and later he told me that once he heard her answer, he had decided not to ask her anything else.  So Miss America killed herself on the challenge question.  Cool.

Bird  – 0.  Me -1.

Rhianna:  “Why do men think that you’re supposed to cover dinner if they take you out a couple of times already?  Unless you’re my boyfriend or my dad, I’m not paying for anything; I don’t care how many times you take me out.”
This question came from outta NOWHERE okay?  I looked around for the hidden cameras cuz I swear I thought I was on the show Hell Date.  I wonder if she thought she was helping me qualify dude by seeing how he would respond.  I dunno.  All I know is that she was just giving me a damn headache.
Shallow Hal squinted at her curiously, and I think that’s because he saw the gold digger stamp illuminate on her forehead.  They go back and forth on the topic, and she was just killing herself the more and more she stated her position.  I had to look away from her because I was starting to imagine my hands around her friggin' neck.  Thank goodness the food came!    Damn dingbat. 

Bird – 0.  Me – 2.
So after a while I just accepted the fact that I had messed up and just joined in the banter going on at the table.  I had enough of her chirping and controlling every damn thing.  And of course the more I spoke, the more I saw him looking at me and less at her.  And the look on his face was good.   I smiled, and I actually started to feel a little better.  I just rolled with the situation.  The damage was already done.
Thankfully, we get ready to leave.  As we get ready to start to get up, I ask him where he parked.
Rhianna jumps in.  “Oh you parked over there?  Then you can take me to my car.”
She didn’t ask.  She told him he could take her to her car.
I put my face in my hands and shook my head.  Homie just walked away. 
You don’t even know this dude, so how you gonna ask MY ACQUAINTANCE for a fuggin’ ride?  But she did.  Unbelievably clueless.
And that move right there, asking for a damn ride, signaled that the game was over for her azz.  She was done.

Bird – 0.  Me – 3.
But was I done too?  Probably so.
We went to the bathroom and then she proceeded to try to give her assessment of him to me, when I didn’t ask her damn opinion on a muthafuccin’ thing.  Grrrrr….I wanted to dunk her head in the damn toilet.  I just wanted to get rid of her azz, and I practically ran outta that bathroom even though she was still talking.   
I thought he had bounced by then, but he was a gentleman and waited for us.  Cool.
And yes, he drove her to her car.  About two blocks away.  A distance she could have walked to her damn self.  Nutty.  It was all just nutty. 
As soon as she was out of the car I apologized over and over to him.  He said that he thought it was a set up.  Haha.  Nah.  I told him how I had tried to tell her to go, but she wasn’t getting it.  But he didn’t dog her out though.  He remained a gentleman about it and we just moved on from it.  Even though she had annoyed the hell out of me, I don’t think he was turned off by her though.  Hmmm…

The convo on the ride home was nice.  I was feeling him.  I think he was feeling me.  It was cool. 

I called her when I got home to try to ask her what the hell was she thinking, but again all I heard were birds.  In other words it was just pointless trying to talk to her.  Whatever.   Good night chick.  I’ll know better next time.
Then it all started to make sense.  Rhianna had told me before how someone had told her that she was self-absorbed and needed to get over herself.  And now I see exactly what that person meant by that… Rhianna is all about herself.  She got the babysitter, rode in from West Hell, and was gonna make a night of it no matter what.  Forget about her being a third wheel or that the situation would feel awkward.  Forget that I said this was the first time I was meeting him.  It was all about her azz and her having fun.  I sensed in my bones before the evening started that I needed to get away from her azz, and boy was I right.   Her being a grown azz woman I thought that she would have known better than to tag along like that.  When I saw her following us into the restaurant I should have turned around, gave her a hug, and walked away.  I didn’t handle that right at all so I have to blame myself too.
But all was not lost.  The next day Shallow Hal emails me and says he had a nice time.  We plan to go out that night – ALONE.  Good.
Then another email comes.
Shallow Hal:  “I just told my boy about last night and he wants to meet your friend.  How about we have a double date next week?”
You see what I mean?  Even though she was dizzy, self-absorbed, AND confessed to her gold digger tendencies, she gets a pass for alla that because she was pretty with a big azz.   Shallow Hal still gassed her up to his friend anyways.  I had picked the right name for his azz after all - shallow muthafucca.  Everything gets put to the side because mami was easy on the eyes, and Shallow Hal must have made her sound pretty damn good for his boy to wanna meet her without seeing her.  Dudes will still wanna holla at her no matter what she says or does.  And apparently she knows that. 
Must be nice to get passes in life like that.  I wouldn't know shyt about it.
I called Kim and told her about it and she was straight howling with laughter on the phone.  She said Rhianna was bogus as hell for coming with us.  I told the therapist too, but she wasn’t laughing.  The therapist was like, “You should have told her azz to beat it. ” 

What a mess.
Was it my mistake that I expected Rhianna to have known better?  YES!
Will I know better next time?  YES!
Anyway lesson learned.  I’m gonna see her next week at another Meetup event, but please believe she WILL NOT be kicking it with me afterwards.  I've been shyt on by this bird enough to last a lifetime.

Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Dear Mama

 Dear Ma,

You get on my nerves. 

A lot. 

And even though I live 800 miles away from you, you still do a fantastic job of aggravating the shyt out of me.  So as of this past weekend, after my ten thousandth attempt to help yo azz, I'm gonna just step away from you for a little while.  We just don't need to talk for a minute.

Yeah, go ahead and sigh and huff and puff like you always do.  Roll your eyes and slap your hand on the table in protest.  Chuckle lightly to yourself to minimize my opinion in your mind.  Just like you always do.  But deep down...deep down you know why I'm taking this position....

Because I'm tired of you always giving an opposing thought to what I talk about and causing an argument.  It's ridiculous.

Because I'm tired of you reaching back bringing up old shyt TRYING to make me feel bad or guilty about something I did or said twenty days  --- or even twenty years ago.

Because I'm tired of you crying broke and how you need help....

And that's the big thing.  This broke shyt with you.

...but yet you continue to shop and run up your damn credit cards like you Diddy's mama. When you called me last week to give you a credit card to get your car fixed, I wanted to scream.   Will it ever end?  I wanted to scream because I knew that you just went to Express and charged $300 worth of stuff on a card that my brother is paying the bill on.  I suspect that what you bought were clothes for the manipulative little 15 year old that you are caring for too.  So he can be fly during the first week of school.  Yeah, that same 15 year old who told you, 'Fuck you' when you asked his azz to get up to go to school one morning.  But despite his lazy ways and him getting shitty grades, you continue to shower him with the finest shyt.  And then you call me crying that you need money to 'get your bills down' and that your car needs fixing????  

Every since I was little you been crying about money and not having it.  So instead of using those bad experiences to encourage your kids not to get in the same predicament, you never told your kids about saving and credit.  Never uttered a word about it.  Instead you and my father would fight over money and then when he would go to sleep drunk, you would take the money out of his pockets.  Hmmm.  But now that I think about it, I guess you didn't know how to teach us about saving and credit.  You never tried to know how yourself.  And I would give you a pass for that past stuff if you would at least TRY to get yourself together now after your kids are grown.  But you won't.    You continue to subscribe to the same old practices, and stay standing in the same debt hole.  Just like when I was a little girl.

Then what kills me is that you turn around and try to tell me about what I do, and what I say ain't right, and I shouldn't have said this and I shouldn't have said that.  And I let you do that.  All the f*ckin' time.  And I sit there itching to remind you of the crap you did to me to have my shyt f*cked up just like yours.  Like that time that I came home from college and saw the mail, and saw a credit card bill with my name on it. 

I open it up and it had like $2000 worth of whatever charged on it.  I couldn't believe it!  A card that I didn't know shyt about; a credit card that you had applied for using my social security number without my knowledge.  And then when I asked you about it you yell, "Don't worry about it, I'm paying the bill on it!"  But that wasn't the point Ma!  The bill should have never existed in the first place - especially when you already had one of the same credit card in your name.  Yep.  TWO  MUTHAFUCCIN CARDS TO THE SAME STORE.  So you were running up two damn credit cards - one in your name and one in mine.  Now what the f*ck sense did that make?  Yeah I remember that busted look on your face when I closed the account that day too.  And I never got an apology, explanation, or anything on that.

Oh and let's not forget the bank account I had.  The one that the bank shut down because you would take blank checks from my checkbook, and do some kind of shit between my account and yours until the bank figured out they were paying your bills without money really being in your account.  I felt like a fool and was so embarassed when the bank closed my account, bounced all the checks I wrote, and told me to basically get the f*ck out of the building.    But if I mention that you'll say in an exasperated voice, "Oh my lord.  You need to go see somebody.  That was 20 years ago and you STILL talking about that?"  Um, slavery was 200 years ago and we still think that was wrong; 9/11 happened ten years ago and that still was just as wrong; so time doesn't lower the reading on the "THAT WAS F*CKED UP SCALE" for what you did either.  So, yeah I'm still talking about that Ma, because as long as you try to make me feel guilty about something I did or said, I might just have to remind of the crazy shit you did too.

Maybe I should be like my brothers and just say, "That's just the way Ma is".  Why bother trying to make sense of what you do, or trying to help you get on a better path?  I should just give you whatever I can muster up and let it go.  But that's hard when my nature is to share what I know to help others if I can.  And plus I don't like giving anything to someone unless they earn it.  I mean I throw a dollar to a homeless person here or there, but other than that you ain't gettin' shyt outta me without us discussing why you're in my face begging.  Sawry.  That's just the way it is.

Ma, I seek to understand you.  I really do.  When I come home for a visit, I am surrounded by excess.  I see three refrigerators full of food, and it's only you and one teenager living in the house.   

Three refrigerators of food + Two people = Waste

I ask, "How are y'all gonna eat alla this before stuff starts to get old and expire?  It's only two of you here."

"Oh well I give some to your brothers to take home."

So you buy stuff to give to other people, but yet you're strapped for cash?  How generous of you!!!

(insert side eye)

Bullshyt.  You don't give it all to them.  Cuz my brothers don't always take that stuff.  I look in the closet and see eight bottles of body wash, six tubes of toothpaste, five bottles of shampoo, and five boxes of cereal (and at least two of them will be expired). When I ask you why you have so much of an item, you answer (annoyed),

"Well I had some coupons and yadda yadda and it only cost me $2.00 a bottle." 

Ok cool, then use up the shyt and THEN buy more.  Must you buy it, and KEEP BUYING IT, just because it is on sale?  But no matter what I say it doesn't make sense to you.  I remember you saying that when we were little and too young to remember, there were times when you had no food in the house.  Maybe that experience did something to you, because now it seems that you pack the cabinets and refigerators to capacity.  You make sure you don't look "broke" to everyone else, but in reality your finances are in bad shape.  Typical shyt.  I hate to say this but Black people stay frontin' and looking 'fancy' but have negative net worth and have no idea what their damn credit score is --- cuz they scared to look at it.  Just like you.  When I suggest to pull your credit report you say you don't need to cuz you ain't trying to get nothing.  Huh?  Don't you want to see if it is accurate?  See what's on it?

"What for?"  You calmly reply.

And this is where we kids learn bad habits.  Watching our parents.  Listening to our parents.  Yeah I had f*cked up credit too when I was 20 something, and would buy shyt just to look fly.  Never saved a dime.   It got to the point where I got tired of the letters and the phone calls from creditors that I decided that I didn't want to live like that.  So by the time I was 23 I had finally seen the light and learned about finance charges and credit limits, etc.

I know that you think I'm stingy and tight with my money.  Truth be told, I'm only tight with you.  I want to help you, but just giving you money doesn't seem to be the way to help you.  I try to discuss your income and what you pay out, but you always say,

"I'll be okay if things didn't always come up." 

Ma, how long have you lived on this earth?  Sixty-two years right? I think you know that things will always come up, and you have to put yourself in a position to be able to handle surprises as best you can.  I mean I had to file bankrupcty (which I never told you) but that was because I was bust over business debt.  Not over clothes and cars and 'things'.  But I betcha now I am ready for what comes my way.  Learned the hard way...but I LEARNED.

Sigh.  But you know, it ain't even about what you do with your money.  I'm tired of you saying "Why don't you do this?", or "You too old to be doing that?"  or your favorite phrase, "You worry too much.  Just move on."

You say that about everything.  Move onDon't worry about it.  So the next time you call me with a money crisis I'm gonna say the same thing - don't worry about it.  And I bet you get pissed.  That's because the "don't worry about it" mantra only applies to me and not you.

Honestly, I think having money woes is a lifestyle for you.  Sixty years and counting; never learning from the past.  And you know, that would be cool if you wasn't inviting everyone else into your financial cesspool with you.  If you were dealing with all of this yourself then I wouldn't even be writing this.  You want people to help you pay for the wide screen TVs (which I don't even own one, still watching my cable ready joint), the Air Jordans, the new furniture.  Even last week you said,

"Why don't you take one of these credit card bills and pay it off for me?" 
Again you are not Diddy's mama, you're mine. 

Ma if I was confident that you wouldn't use the card again I might consider helping on that.  But I know you.  You will just use the shit and run it back up again.  I think when my father died and you saw that some of his cards got wiped out and that excited you.  Now you have subscribed to the "Keep-Your-Card-Balances-High-Because-They-Get-Wiped-Out-When-You-Die Philosophy".  I've heard other older people say that too.  "Keep your card balances high!"  But think about that.  Yeah you won't owe the money to them, but how will you enjoy that reprieve when you're in a damn casket DEAD?  I mean seriously.  I'd say file bankruptcy if you're thinking like that.

Truth be told, I cringe when you call me because no matter where we start, we end up arguing about everything from family matters to money.  But GIVING you money just because you're my mother goes against every cell in my body.  I know that sounds f*cked up, but that's how I feel.  It's hard for me to help anyone who does nothing to improve their position, be it mother, brother, father, aunt.  I just can't do it. 

Very few people want to see their mother struggle in her older years, but I got my own life and my own bills and my own shyt to pay.  I know that sounds ungrateful because you raised me, but I didn't ask to be here Ma.  Straight up.  Why did you put me on this Earth anyway?  To grow up, work for someone else until I'm writhing with aches and pains, and then pay bills for the rest of my life?  Like you?  So okay now I'm here, and trying to live my life, and yet I still hear you singing the same songs that I heard when I was young.  Maybe I do sound ungrateful and it makes me sad to even feel this way, but I do.  But I don't have it like that.  I'm not Diddy, or Beyonce, or some big shot engineer or business owner.  I run the rat race (much to my disgust) like millions of others.  Why in the world would you try to push your burdens on your children?  I don't have money to just GIVE to anyone.  And being 'family' is not enough reason for me unfortunately.  Sounds foul but that 'family' thing does not sway me or blind me to the fact that you are still a 'person' that needs to change up a few things. 

So Ma, please be on notice.

I don't want to hear about the 15 year old needing $250 for driver's ed when his azz has f*cking C's and D's on his report card, especially after I found out that you didn't even LOOK at his report card at the end of the school year to see what he had.  But you will scream and holler at him if he gets his Jordan's dirty.  WTF?

I don't want to hear about your damn car when you kill it every day going to clean up somebody's house light years away in another town, when I know that you can find something closer.

I don't want to argue anymore either.  I'm tired of you talking over me.  I'm tired of talking over you.  I won't be home for Christmas, because I don't want to see that tree with stacked up presents for the teenager who to me is the "Best Dressed Slacker" at his high school. 

I just need to stay away.  We don't get along, and if you won't say it, I will.  I'm done hearing about your madness so let my brothers take over on that. 

Sometimes you older people think because y'all got mileage on you that you know everything. Well lemme tell y'all, you may have SEEN a lot, but a lot of you don't know shyt.  Doing the same things and thinking the same thoughts that you had 40 years ago. 


As long as I am on this Earth, I will try to remain progressive and open to new things.  Yeah I went bankrupt, but I've worked hard to get my shyt back on track.  My credit score went from a 560 after the bankruptcy to 683 in a little over a year.  I always check my report, and will dispute anything that don't look right.  I ain't broke anymore, on my way to saving $20K, and I will never go back to that 'broke' life again.  And I won't let anyone else make me broke either.  That's for damn sure.

Even my own mother.

So when you're ready to listen to me about a credit counselor or bankruptcy then holla at me.  Otherwise...I'll leave you to your own financial mess.  Maybe you'll win the lottery again, don't tell anybody about it  until you spent it all, and then buy another $500 vacuum cleaner/rug shampooer.

Anyway Ma, I love you, but I can't deal with you right now.  I doubt if you understand that but then again...when have you tried to understand anything that I have said lately?

(throws hands up)

Good luck.

Your kid.

(I do care for my mother, and because I do I'm falling back for a while.  We just aggravate each other.  Now watch, she'll hit the lottery now that I've decided to do this.  Haha.  Oh well.)