Saturday, November 3, 2012

Interview with a Dog: The Plot Thickens

Shallow Hal and I are through.

At least on an intimate level anyway. 

I won't front and pretend that I didn't miss the attention, because I did.  I always said he was quite charming and generous.  And when you go from dealing with someone that wasn't doing shyt for you, then go to someone who can be kind of mind blowing.  I liked what Shallow Hal did for me.  A lot.
So when it was over, I'lll admit that I went through a little withdrawal for a couple of days.  I felt a sense of loss.  Not loss on lovey dovey type of level, but a sense of loss from the attention I was getting from him.   It was because I wasn't on some lovey dovey shyt that the feeling didn’t last too long though.  Thank goodness!  Within days I quickly moved on (or went back) to old flames, and dabbled a little more on Black People Meet (BPM). 
To be honest, I was never really OFF the dating scene even when I was dealing with Shallow Hal.  I WASN'T THAT NAIVE.  The man had two other women who had babies literally a month apart!!!  I would have been totally dumb to think that I could scratch my way to the top of that heap of bullshyt.  I didn't want to anyway.  Shallow Hal could not be trusted.  He is a predator of the worst kind, and he is always on a constant search for p*ssy.   And the best thing to do when you're messing with a dude like this, is to shake off any feelings and keep entertaining new applicants.
Within a short time I started to sense that it bothered Shallow Hal that I was out there dating though.  He would ask me all the time how was BPM, and when I would give him the scoop, he would fire back at me with comments like, “I bet you wanna f*ck him don’t you?” Or “Do you think you wanna f*ck him?” and shyt like that.  I wasn’t having sex with anybody that I met on BPM, but I would "hint" that I was or wanted to just to f*ck with him anyway.  Maybe he picked up on my little game because then he shifted to throwing his encounters with his two baby mommas in my face. 

Once he texted me this after Miss New York’s six week post pregnancy waiting period had ended:

“I just got through f*ckin’ New York and it was sooooo good.”

Just out of nowhere I got this text.  At like 11 o'clock on a Saturday night.  Bastard.  He did that shyt to get me mad.  
"Obviously it wasn't that good if you thinking about me right after you f*cked her, you punk."

His bastard ass knew I wasn't interested in whether or not he got the p*ssy from her or not.  The text was meant to f*ck with me.  He was trying to rub it in because I had moved on and he knew that I might soon be taking a ride on someone other than his azz.
But there was another reason why I didn't like his text.  Deep down I hoped that she wouldn't f*ck him and that she would leave his azz alone.  He had dogged her.  For months he had been filing immigration papers and planning a life with Miss C.  He brought her over here from their country, while all the long Miss New York  thought that dude was riding only with her.  I wanted her to cut him off.  Teach him a lesson.  I wanted her to not f*ck him.  I might have even said that to him too once? 

"I hope she leaves you alone after all of this."

I think I did. Maybe that's why he was texting me?   To let me know that he was back in business with her, and that what I hoped for didn't happen.  Who knows.  But what I do know is that the text pissed me off. 

 “Why are you sending me this shyt?  Are you trying to make me jealous? ” 

Eventually he confessed to me that he was slightly jealous that I was starting to date other people.  Say what?  Um you got a lot of nerve you dog!  You're jealous of me talking to other men when you f*ckin' two women?  TWO!!!  Who both know about each other....and still giving yo azz a pass?  And you trying to hate on me?  GTFOH.   That was proof positive that Shallow Hal couldn't handle being on the other side of the game.  He don't want you dating no one else but him, but yet he can do whatever the hell he wants.  Well not with me Mister Man.  He had to learn; you might be the sun, the moon, and the stars to them two gals...but not to me muthafucca.  I keeps it moving, and I can find new dyck just like you can find new p*ssy.   You ain't gotta update me with your p*ssy conquests to prove you still the man without me.  Just stop it.

Thankfully, and as time went on,  he did stop.  On second thought, maybe not completely.  He would still tell me stuff about him being intimate with his two ladies; that never stopped. 
"Yeah we were f*cking all day, then I took a nap.  Then I packed and drove out to Miss New York's house."
I would just sit and listen.   It was when he was casually talking about his sexcapades that he told me about screwing in front of his kids.  As much as I missed his doting ways, after that confession I just couldn’t get the image out of my head of him f*ckin’ Miss C while the little ones probably looked on.  I just couldn't.  I know to this day Shallow Hal wishes he never told me that.  That information definitely changed the game for me.  I was turned off.  Permanently. 

And that's when things had officially shifted between us. 
I mean the 'real' friend zone, not the 'friends with benefits' zone.  Of course if I was down to give up the booty Shallow Hal would definitely take it, and of course he would always try.  But I wasn't feeling it anymore.  I didn't really have anyone new in my life either, but the desire I had for him became nonexistent.  Plus I honestly felt like taking a break from dudes anyway.  The friend zone was a seamless transition for me and him, and I kinda liked that. 
We communicated pretty much every day.  He would call me while he was driving to work in the morning.  Sometimes he would call in the evening too.  During the day there were a flurry of emails between us, and by the end of a typical day we would probably send 20-40 emails to each other -- maybe even more.   I’m surprised I even got any work done most days. 

The subjects varied but most times the conversations were usually about him of course.  Hal loves to talk about himself. 
Or somebody he knows. 
Or somebody he used to date. 
Or his sister. 
Or his brother --- who is another f*cked up individual.  Don't you know this man DETESTS Black women?  His family brought his azz  from his country to have a better life, he grew up and served in the armed forces, then has the nerve to turn around and hate on Black women.  Hard.   Openly hard.  In fact he is totally disgusted and turned off by anything Black.  Including chicks from his own country.  So it's no surprise that he will only date Caucausians or Latinas.   Half his age at that.    After hearing this, I seriously wondered how Hal and his brother grew up.  What in the world was going on in THAT house because how these two deal with women cannot be a coincidence.  I'll probably never know.  Maybe it's a cultural thing with women for them.  I dunno.
So like I said, if I started to talk about any personal experience that I had, Shallow Hal would always manage to turn the conversation around where it would be him running his mouth about HIS EXPERIENCE instead.  LOL.  Whenever this happened, I would silently chuckle at his level of self-centeredness.  I understood the kind of person that I was dealing with though.  Shallow Hal always, always, always thinks about himself.  I noticed that it was difficult for him to listen very long about someone else, particularly women.  Now is that a bad thing?  I would say no, but only if that self-absorbed mindset doesn’t impact other people.  Of course this is not the case for Shallow Hal. 

In fact, Shallow Hal is a user.   He is a charming and handsome manipulator who has impacted the lives of everyone around him.  He changed the lives of two innocent females who believed that he loved them…and them only.  Hell he has even impacted my life too, so much so that I am sitting here writing about him right now.  Knowing I have a boatload of shyt to do for myself, I am using MY TIME to blog about his shyt.  And I ain't even getting paid!!!!
(rolls eyes)

Thursday, October 18, 2012

Two Months?


Don't tell me that it has been that long!  What the hell is going on?

I think about the blog all the time.  Promise myself that I will post what I have written, and then something happens.  If you wanna know the truth, it's a glass of Moscato that usually happens.  When I drink a glass of that, it's usually over.  Then today I just Googled that I might have a bit of dyslexia because I noticed that the drafts of my blogs are just all over the place.  It's like when I read them I can't even understand what I was trying to say.

So lemme just do this quickie post.  Maybe this will get my damn engine started.  I have been juggling these men, juggling these jobs, and trying to do everything else in between that it's clearly it's causing me to neglect my little diary. 

And this can't go on.

This can't continue.

Hmmmm.  Maybe I just need to write in tidbits instead of writing SAGAs like I was doing.  My latest draft on Shallow Hal is seven pages long!  No wonder I don't wanna go back and proofread that shyt.   The thought of going back and tweaking it is driving me to the damn Moscato at night.  I feel like I am editing a movie script.

But I will finish it though.  I have to.... 

...because it helps me breathe.

And right now I feel like I can't.

Friday, August 24, 2012

Interview with a Dog: Part VIII - Too Much To Take

“Mind trips are not what I wanted outta this.  Shyt was getting to my head now, and I knew then that I had to get off the rollercoaster. 
That's when Shallow Hal reveals something to me that even I couldn't take...”
I wrote that back in April.   Wow.
It’s been a minute since I wrote about Shallow Hall, Miss New York, and Miss C.   Months have passed and the summer has come and gone, but with the heat came a little clarity for me on some things.  I guess I’m good enough now (whatever that means) with coming back and resuming the Shallow Hal posts.   It is a lot to catch up on, so like before I have to write it in bits and pieces.  I hate that I waited so long to write because when things happen I say, “Yeah I’m gonna blog about that.”  And then I don’t.  Then I end up mad at myself that I’m not blogging because I find that when I do it clears my mind a little bit.  Besides, there are lots of things going on besides Shallow Hal and his shyt!!!  He ain't the star of this damn blog.  I have some good azz stories to write about starring MY DAMN SELF anyways okay?  Don’t need his azz to make an interesting story to write on my blog.  I'm interesting all on my own!  :)
But I will give him and his drama the stage again, because over the past few days I wondered about what he brings to my life.  
He’s a male chauvinist, and he admits to that. 
He is a dog, and he admits to that. 
He is a cheater, and he admits to that too. 
And when you combine all of this with a pocket full of money you have a real live Stevie from Love and Hip Hop on your hands.  In fact, when I watch the show (yeah I admit I watch it), I can’t help but to compare Stevie to Shallow Hal because they both are.................

Both are men who are dealing with two women, and the only reason why he wants them to get along is mainly for his selfish benefit.  How would SH benefit?  Well according to him, his dream would be that Miss New York would come and live with him and Miss C out in PA.  This way he can stop giving Miss New York the $800 per month; Miss New York can go and work because she speaks English; and Miss C would stay home and take care of the two kids he has with her, and the kid he has with Miss New York.   He has jokingly even spoken to Miss New York about this scenario too, especially whenever she complains that she has to work every day and Miss C doesn’t.  Of course she gets mad when he brings it up, but he says he will keep trying. 
Me:  “And if she does agree to come.  How do you think Miss C will take it?”
SH: “I don’t care.  Right now Miss C is in the better situation of the two in my mind.  I would just tell her she’s moving in and that’s it.  What can she do?”
And the man is dead serious.  He really wants them all to live together.  Every time he tells me about this pipe dream I really think that this man is crazy.  I really do.  But I know he is gonna try to sell it to Miss New York hoping that she will soften up and give in.  He already figured that he wouldn’t get anymore azz from either one of them if he got them to move into the house together, but I guess he will just get back on BPM and find someone like he did me.  

(shrugs shoulders)
So back to Love and Hip Hop.

I was watching the show this past week, and Stevie came in a therapy session with a shirt that had the words “I AM GOD” blazoned across it in big gold letters.   I instantly thought of Shallow Hal.
I think Shallow Hal thinks that about himself also…that he is God to women (or at least to Miss C anyway.)   I even remember him telling me how he told Miss C that he was God once.  It was when he first showed her the new house that he bought out in PA.   As she looked around the place, she was just awed and amazed at the size of her new home.  She happily said, “Oh I am soooo grateful to God for what he has done for me.  Look at this house.  God is doing so many great things for me.”
But Shallow Hal didn’t like that she said that.  “Well I must be the God you’re talking about because I’m the one that made this shyt happen.”
He shut her down on who to give credit to real fast.  How dare she thank God?!!!!  After spending $30K on a down payment Hal wasn't letting NOBODAAAYYY take credit for shyt!  I was like damn Hal, can she have her little spiritual moment?  Sheesh.  I always tell him that he seems like he is controlling, but he always tries to make me sound like a nut.  His idea of controlling men is those who stalk women or stop women from going where they want.   He always screams, “That ain’t me!!!”  Ok so he ain't a stalker, but no matter how many times I try to explain to this fool that he is controlling in other ways he doesn’t listen.  I told him that in that he deliberately found a chick who was helpless without him, forced this situation down her throat with this other chick and his other baby, and because she ain’t got no family here – she’s stuck.  He just runs all over her and goes f*cks his other woman every weekend, and leaves her by herself 80 miles away all alone with two little kids.  She can’t speak English.  She can’t drive nowhere.  She can’t do nothing but walk to the park and to the local grocery store and strip mall.  He's controlling if you ask me.

The thought of it all makes me....Grrrr....
Ok, I’m getting off track.  Let me rewind before this starts getting too long.
Aiight, so as I last I left it, I said that Shallow Hal revealed something to me that even I couldn’t take.  It happened on a day he asked me to meet him for a drink after work.  I suspected that he was doing it because things between us where starting to fade, mainly because the babies were here and he couldn’t keep the two baby mommas and me happy too.  Plus the situation was sounding so messed up that I was finding myself getting turned off.  He wasn’t looking that good to me anymore either, and the compliments he gave me I just felt were lines.  I just wasn't feeling him like I used to.  So I guess this was his attempt to make a little time for me.  When I meet him of course he starts with his regular sugary shit…
“Oh you look so good!”
“Oh you’re so pretty I bet all the dudes were checking for you today.”
I just rolled my eyes and said, “Whatever” in my head.  It’s the same shyt (or similar shyt) he always says, and I’m sure he says the same things to his other two gals too.  I wasn't moved by his words at all.

As we are walking  to the bar, he starts to tell me about his oldest son who was about 15 months old at the time.
“Guess what he did the other day!”  He yelled.
He  said he was in the waiting room at the doctor with his son and Miss C.  When little man spotted another little girl toddler across the way, he stopped dead in his tracks and stared her down.  Then little man just walked up to her, and without a sound got in her face like he was about to kiss her.  Hal said he had this look on his face like he was gonna tongue little momma down right then and there.  SH said that he quickly grabbed him by the back of his shirt and dragged him back over to where they were sitting.  "Hey kid!  What the hell are you doing??!!!"  I looked at Hal, and he had a look of amazement in his face.  I guess it was the same look any parent would have after they see their little kid doing something that looks too mature for their age.  After he finished the story I faked a chuckle and said, “Oh well he is being just like his father. “ 
I shut it down.   I didn't wanna hear anymore.  Hal still had this baffled look on his face about what his kid did, but to be honest I wasn’t interested in the story.  I guess I wasn’t in the mood for hearing about toddlers being fresh.  Or maybe it was because it was HIS TODDLER and I thought that he was breeding another Hal.  I don’t know what it was, but something just wasn’t sitting with me right after hearing that story.  Instead I changed the subject because I was feeling bothered for some reason.

But that was nothing compared to what Hal told me next.

Shallow Hal and I are sitting in the bar.  He spits out a few more “You look so good” remarks (yawn), compliments me on my outfit, and we chit chat about various topics.  We didn’t have a lot of time to meet because he had to get back to PA, so I get right to the juicy stuff.  I just wanna hear about his tryst primarily.  I ask him what the latest news with them was, but he tells me that he doesn’t want to talk about them that night.  No matter how much I asked, he wouldn’t budge and wouldn't give up any info.  F*cker.  Okay then.
Instead he wants to talk about his kid.   He confesses that he really only cares about the oldest boy, and that he doesn’t think much about the newborn at all.  He also was annoyed that the oldest kid is sleeping in the bed with him and Miss C.  Hal said he couldn’t get any sleep because the kid sleeps wildly and was kicking him in the head in the middle of the night.  LOL.  He had been trying to get Miss C to have him sleep in the crib from when they first got here from their country, but when the kid starts crying she gives in and brings him in the bed.  After months of that routine the kid wasn’t trying to hear nothing about that crib.  Even if they do get him to start off sleeping in the crib, he will get up in the middle of the night and crawl back into bed with them.   Right on top of Shallow Hal’s square shaped head.  LOL.  Then all of a sudden Hal is reminded of something, and a smile comes across his face.  The convo switches lanes and he starts to tell me another story,
“You know that kid is funny.”  (laughs)  “You know he tried to pull me off of her a few times?”
“What do you mean?  Pull you off of her?”
“You know, when we be f*cking,  he grabs my leg and tries to pull me off of her.”
I gasp. 

“What? Are you having sex in front of him?”
He calmly says, “Of course I am.”  He takes a sip of his rum and coke.
“You shouldn’t be having sex in front of a child!  Are you serious?!!!”
“Well when am I supposed to do it?”
“When the kid goes to sleep!”
Shallow Hal waves me off with his hand.  “ I’m not waiting for him to go to sleep.  That kid doesn’t go to sleep until after 11pm and I have to go to work in the morning.  I'm not waiting up that late.”
“Then put him to bed earlier then!  You can’t be having sex in front of your kid!  He learns from what you do!  No wonder he stepped to that other kid like he was gonna take her down in that doctor’s office.  He is watching your big azz f*ck right in front of him.”
My eyes widen and I feel my face getting hot.  Shallow Hal looks at me and he can see that I am annoyed.  He seems to think about it for a couple of seconds, but he just blows me off again.
“It’s not a big deal and I am not waiting for him to go to sleep!” 
His voice is getting louder but I don’t care.  I’m not letting up on this, and to be honest, I couldn’t believe I was even having this f*ckin’ conversation anyway.  I got a grown azz, Wall Street professional sitting in front of me, wearing a nice suit, telling me that he f*cks his woman in front of his 15 month old son.  Like an animal.  We go back and forth about it for a couple of minutes, but I can see that he doesn’t wanna listen. 
“Hey if I want some azz I’m getting it.  I ain’t waiting on the kid to go to sleep.  He don’t even pay attention to us like that anymore anyway.  That was only twice he tried to pull me off of her.”
"It shouldn't have been even once!" 

I wanted to puke.
“Ok.  Then do what you want.  But when that kid goes to day care and preschool and starts humping on the little girls then you will wonder where it gets if from.”
Silence.  SH seems to be thinking again, but you can never tell with that muthafucca.  When he switches the topic to something else, I knew he wasn't listening to me.   Typical Hal.  We chatted for maybe another 10 or 15 minutes but the tone of evening had really shifted to the left after that convo.  I was done.  He dropped me off at my train, and as I walked to it, my mind was racing.   I couldn’t believe that he actually thinks that it is okay to have sex in front of a kid.  To me, that’s like sitting a toddler in front of porno movie instead of cartoons.  The thought of it was too much for me to take.  I had never heard no shyt like that in my life.  Now I have read about people being caught when the kid walked in on them, but I never heard anyone initiating sex while the kid was in the same room looking?!!!  That's just not cool to me.

When I stepped out of his car I knew.  It was over for me.  I was done with him on an intimate level.  I mean the other stuff was pretty bad that I knew about and had participated in, but this sex in front of the kid thing ---- I couldn’t stomach that.  In my head I questioned Miss C too.  I asked myself how a mother would think that is okay?  I mean is it okay?  Am I being uptight?  I know the kid is little and probably won’t remember stuff, but you never know!  Kids imitate their parents.  What if he slips up one day and blurts out something in day care about “mommy and daddy on top of each other and my mommy makes noises”.   I could be over exaggerating and making something out of nothing, but my gut tells me that this is just straight foul.   It bothered me so much that I went and looked it up on the web, and I even asked a male friend about it who is also from their country.  He said that this woman‘s first priority is to please her man.   Whatever.  He didn’t agree with what they were doing, but he said honestly the woman should be the one stopping that more than the man.  I disagreed.  Hal is the most educated of the two of them and should know better as far as I am concerned.  But again, this is Shallow Hal.  When it comes to getting azz, there ain’t no rules but his.
The subject was dropped for a while, but a few months later Shallow Hal is telling me about his asshole friend (that’s for another blog because I actually went out with asshole last week; now I know why he and Hal are friends.  Ugh.)  His friend was dating some chick that was 20 years younger than him, and he was bitching because her 2 year old wouldn’t go to sleep and it was preventing him from getting his azz.  He had to wait until one in the morning sometimes and he had to go to work.  The things men complain about.  LOL.  Then Hal blurts out..

“I told him ‘Hey, I f*ck in front of my kids.  I don’t give a f*ck.  If I want some azz I’m getting it and I ain't waiting until my kid goes to sleep.'"
I could feel my body stiffen as I held the phone.  Is this moron bragging about this this dumb shyt?   TO OTHER PEOPLE????  He kept on talking about whatever, but I couldn’t hear anything else.  I had to stop him.   I asked him how did his friend respond to that confession.  Hal said he didn't.  Then I told him don’t tell another soul that he has sex in front of his small babies.  I said that all someone has to do is overhear him saying that and child care services could be called.  And you and Miss Caribbean will be in some deep shyt.  ESPECIALLY HER....WITH AN EXPIRED VISA.

And when I said that, he listened.  After I put it that way, and that Miss C could be deported over that shyt because in his state it is considered CHILD ABUSE to have sex in front of a child, he agreed that he shouldn’t talk about that with others anymore.  I finally got thru to that rock head for once.  But the problem isn't really solved.  At best he probably won’t tell anyone else, but I don’t think he will stop f*cking in front of his babies  though.  Getting azz is way too important for him.  I told him that he was the poster child for "How Not to Raise a Kid."  I just feel he doesn't take in interest in the upbringing of kids.  All he talks about is buying clothes for them.  To me, he just wants to play with them, and he doesn't give a shyt about their development and learning.  I emailed him once and wrote, "I bet there ain't one kid video in that house.  Not one book.  Nothing."  I was getting on him because I knew he wasn't thinking about it.  The kid does nothing but grunt and point and he is almost two.  He didn't reply to that email.  Because I was right.  On the real, Hal just wanted kids.  He wants someone to call him Daddy.  The rest of it he ain't worried about.  But then again how could he?  He got two chicks he gotta serve dyck to and pay for so they won't get mad at his dumb azz.  Apparently he can't focus on too much else.

Anyway, that little story marked the end of me of Hal on an intimate tip.  I never f*cked him again after that.  I was disgusted and turned off from him.  I kept imagining his d*ck out, drinking straight from his Bacardi Rum bottle, and getting Miss C from behind with his kid sitting in the midst.  (shivers)  It bothered me so much that I even told the therapist.  I always said he talked too much, and this time he said too much.  I didn't get loud with him though.  You can't do that with Hal.  He doesn't handle emotions too well.  I never told him that I stopped f*cking him because of this thing with his kid.  When he asked I would just say, "You don't have time for me."  And I left it at that.

I didn't hate the dude, so I became the "friend without benefits" because I still wanted to find out how he was gonna work this shyt out with these two women and two babies who were 1.5 months apart in age.  Even though I had checked out on the intimate tip, my mind was still stirring about the rest of it.  I was drawn to the story.  By this time, Miss C’s visa expired, he wasn't marrying her, and she started saying things to him that were clearly suicidal.  What he was telling me got worse and worse; to the point that he was scared to leave her alone with the kids.
And it was then that I decided to make a move.   A big move.  I just hoped and hoped that I could pull it off....

Monday, August 6, 2012

UPDATE: Should I Make That Call?


Well the call was made.  Actually...a 'friend' made it because I was gonna send a fax.  Why?  Because sometimes...sometimes...when they hear your voice they don't take you seriously.  They wanna quiz you and minimize what you are saying.  Ya dig? "friend" said she would call.  She told them everything that I told her.  She told them about the guns and the hallucinations.  Anonymously.

So did anything happen...nope.  Not yet anyway.  I expected that after reading some comments on the original post and some other things I saw on the web.  It actually might be my uncle that will get the cops over there all on his own anwyays.  My cousin told me that he had been calling the cops himself telling them there were people in the house.  He called twice that night he shot that pistol in the chimney.  The cops asked my cuz was he taking his meds or whatever, but they told her that if he keeps calling them that they might take him to the psych ward.  Now with the call being made maybe they will do just that if he calls them with his craziness again.

They did finally have that appointment with the doctor tha he had been seeing.  Doc said he is losing his memory, but it was a mild case of it?  Not Alzheimer's but another kind of memory loss that occurs in aging people.  She sounded relieved, like she finally had an explanation for the crazy shyt.  Ok that's fine and good cuz, but what about the fact that he has three guns???  That man ain't forgettin' that he has them damn guns I bet.  He will forget everything else but not that!!!  Her reaction bothered the shyt out of me.  When she told me about the memory loss I wanted to say,

"WELL SHYT I'M LOSING MY MEMORY TOO DAMMIT!  But I ain't walking around talking about radio waves being transmitted in my house by terrorists!  Nor am I walking around with a gun!  So what he is losing his memory.  What about his dangerous behavior?" 

But I didn't say it.  She is going thru it and I am trying hard to be sympathetic to that.  I  just sat there and listened and kept my mouth shut.  Jaw tight and annoyed.  She went on to say that the doc "might prescribe meds and Dad seemed to be onboard."  Yawn.

So again...nothing from them.  No real action taken.  They just gonna wait on these wonder pills to fix my uncle's head  I guess.  What kills me is that they never told the doc about him having the gun, because they know if they had then he would be in the hospital now.  It is annoying that they are not telling the doctor because they are interfering with him getting the help that he needs.  They are so busy worrying about help being locked up for the gun.  I called the mental health hotline in their state after I hung up with her.  The woman told me that they would not lock him up for the gun if he is "sick".  Even with his felony conviction, his mental status would override the criminal part of things...until he did something of course.  For now though, he would be okay if they committed him and told them that he had a gun.  When I hung up I was even more pissed.  I asked myself why my cousin couldn't make that simple fkn call like I just made?  It's just dumb.  The whole thing is just dumb. 

Anyway...the call got placed from my end.  What else can I do?  And I confess, I actually smiled to myself.  I felt weird about feeling that way about the call being made, but I honestly did smile to myself after my 'friend' told me she called.  I guess I felt relieved that I had tried to do something.  I bet that my cousin would feel the same way too. 

Now it's on the cops.  Whether or not the cops do anything it's on them.  So with that being wiI moved on.  Until yesterday....

It was out of my mind until I heard about that shooting that happened this weekend in Wisconsin.  I cringed.  My uncle lives in that area.  He was talking about Middle Eastern men trying to get in his house.  I was like, "Damn, I hope that is not my uncle."

I hurried to scan the news stories and when I saw that it was a White guy I exhaled.  I mean the situation was still bad whoever did it or whatever color he was, but at least I knew it wasn't my uncle. 

So that's it for now.  If I hear something else I'll have the cops called again.  It's not over just because I made that one call.  I know that.  It all depends on what I hear, though I'm not sure how much my cousin will tell me now.  She has been staying with her kids at her mom's house lately.  And she can hear it in my voice that I ain't cosigning what she is doing.  She texted me Monday asking what to say to him because she had found two of the guns and had moved them.  He was badgering her about whether she let someone in the house or not:

Cuz:  "My dad keeps asking me who I let in the house or/and believes I have the guns, what would you respond?"

Me:  "Is he really amped up?"

Cuz:  "Yep.  And he has one more and said he thinks he has a shot gun and a be be gun at the office but couldn't remember."

Me:  "U asked him about the other guns or he just volunteered that info?"

Cuz: "He volunteered.  How would you respond?"

Me:  "Well first why u think he volunteered that?"

Cuz: "I don't know!  But he did used to have one in his office a long time ago."

Me:"  All I can say is call the doctor because they already told you to take him to the county.  If he is amped up there is nothing you can say to him that will ease his mind now. 

Maybe the doc can tell you what to say because cuz I have been saying for days what needs to happend to get him some help.  That attorney meant well but he is not a mental health doctor.  Besides telling him that you took them for everyone's safety I don't know what else you can say. 

Or ask the attorney since it was his big idea to wait five days for the doctor appointment."

Cuz:  "  I thought about telling him that my gun is gone too...reverse psychology."

Me:  "How so?"

Cuz:  "If only his gun was gone and not mine, a thief would have found mine too."

Me: "And knowing a thief took it will calm his nerves?"

Cuz:  "Sarcasm!  Remember he's delusional.  He thinks people are and have been coming in the house for years.  It's not about calming his nerves, he's never calm."

Me:  "I dunno cuz.  I think would just feed into his delusional mind....
"U just let me know when you are ready to make the call.  Besides that, I don't know what to do with someone in that condition.  None of us do."

And then there was silence.

Why you asking me what to tell your mentally ill pops?  You ain't been listening to me so I ain't got shyt else to say on it.  What the fluck?  Cuz needs to be asking the doctor and not me or that damn attorney.  That's why I said what I said.  Ask the expert.  Or let me know when you want to make the call.  That's pretty much it.  I can't advise her except to suggest that he get professional help.

Anyways....we will see.  I just hope it doesn't blow up in their faces.

** Big hug to those of you who shared your opinions and stories.  That helped a LOT!

Thursday, July 26, 2012

How is it possible....

That in a city of millions,
On the busiest street in NYC,
I see you this morning. 
Riding up the escalator out of the subway. 

Bright shirt.
That mint, oceany-blue collared shirt caught my eye I guess.  I always look at the bruhs in the collared shirts.
But this time I looked at the wrong one.

You didn't see me.  I looked twice to be sure.  But it was definitely you.
That mouth.  That gray in your goatee.  It was you.

I blocked you from my phone.  From my email.  Everything. 
But I can't block you in this huge damn town?

I just want to forget you.
But you appear. 
In a city of millions.  At the busiest subway stop in Manhattan.  In the morning rush hour.
Usually everyone is a blur.  I look at very few people.
But that goddamn shirt made me look.
Why was yo' azz was in that pretty, bright shirt?
Reminding me of all the f*cked up shyt you did.
Reminding me of all the f*cked up shyt you said.
Reminding me. 
Ruining the swagger I had going in the new Calvin Klein dress I bought yesterday.
You wrecked my flow.


No matter how mint-y looking your shirt is,
Or how well groomed your hair was,
Or how crispy the creases in your pants were...

I know what's inside.

You're still a monster.

And I hate that I saw you today.

Tuesday, July 24, 2012

Should I Make That Call....Or Not?

I was all ready to post the latest with Shallow Hal, dating, dream thieves...I really was.

But then that movie shootout in Colorado happened. 

And ever since, something has been on my mind.  Well rather, SOMEONE has been on my mind.  And that's my uncle.

Why?  Because he is losing his mind.  And I think he might hurt somebody.

Ever since he had a stroke maybe ten years ago, he hasn't been quite right.  I live 900 miles away now and I don't check in as much, but when I do the news is rarely good.  His 35 year marriage ended after he accused my aunt over and over of trying to steal from him and kill him.  He would attack her and constantly accuse her of conspiring against him.  I think he even pulled a gun on her, and she finally just gave up on being around him.  Even while they were married, he had a girlfriend for maybe like 15  years or so.  Yeah my aunt probably knew, but she just rode it out I guess?  He was the bread winner, and she worked in the business that he built himself. 

Funny thing though, this girlfriend is the same age as his daughter (my cousin)!  He's probably 30 years older than her.  And how my cousin found out about her was really whack too.  I remember back in like the early 90s my cousin was telling about how she went to a club one night and this girl kept staring her down.  Mean mugging her and everythang.  Eventually the girl walked over to her and was like,

"Are you Such and Such?"

And my cousin was like, "Yeah.  I'm Such and Such.  Why?"

Smirking the chick replies, "Well I'm your father's girlfriend and I just had his baby.  How you like that?"

"Well what you telling me for?"

"I'm just letting you know that's all.  We got a baby together."

Not knowing what to say, my cousin replies, "Ok.  What you want me to say."

"Um, it ain't nothing nobody can say or do now.  I got his baby."

And she walked away and disappeared into the crowd. 

Although my cousin didn't say much else to the girl, I think it did affect her forever.  It triggered the beginning of her not trusting men in relationships.  She carried that mistrust into her marriage and even with all that control she tried to put in place, hubby still cheated on her anyway.  Now I think she is awful...borderline ridiculous even.  For the past 20 years she had evolved into a background checking fool when it comes to a dude.  She will check court records, real estate records, employment records, find out where you live, how you live, marriage records....anything she can get her hands on or find out over the internet.  She will even call the dude's job to make sure he really works there.  And alla this even before a second date!  For real!  I wish I was lying but I'm not.  Lemme tell you, when my cousin asks a man something and he might think it is just casual converstaion, with her it probably isn't. 

Ok so back to her dad.  So he was still messing with the girlfriend for all those years while he was married, and when his marriage broke up, the girlfriend moved in.  They rocked it out for a few years, but his mental instability started to kick in and he eventually ran her out the house too.  It was the same thing pretty much.  Hallucinating and paranoid about being watched, and he took his accustations to the next level and said that now the girlfriend and the ex wife were conspiring together to kill him and take all his money. 

So that's two people he ran out of the house.  Why in the world my cousin thinks she would be different up in there I dunno.  She moved in last year with her two kids.   I told her it was a dumb move for a number of reasons but she wouldn't listen.  I mean I know people move back in with their parents or whatever for financial reasons or to help care for them, but it wasn't about that with her really.  She got money.  She ain't hurting for nothing.  She owns properties and has some nice investments.  I think she just don't wanna pay rent because that would be the case if she got her own place.  In fact, she has never paid rent ANYWHERE.  EVER!!!!  The house that her and hubby lived in, her father bought.  She moved out of it because she didn't like the area anymore, so she rents it out and puts that money in her pocket.  She's a little pampered princess who never really cut the umbilical cord.   I think that was one of the things ex-hubby hated about their relationship.  Too much influence from her parents and my cuz didn't want to do really do her own thing.  It's always like, "What would my dad think?" or "What would my mom say?"  Hell it even annoys me so I can't imagine what is was like for the ex-hubby.  Anyways, she is up in the house with her dad who she has witnessed first hand go thru his mental moments.

So again, there is my uncle and I'm starting to hear some off the chain reports on his deteriorating mental state.  I was speaking to my cousin a while back and she told me how locked himself in the garage because he thought somebody was trying to kill him.  He stayed in there six hours.  Inside that garage he had a gun with him too.  I don't know how they got him to come out but they did. 

Two weeks ago I saw his son at a picnic.  When I asked about my uncle, I could see the strain in his face.  He was worried.  He says to me, "Oh he's doing okay. I just wish I could get that gun from him."

Huh?  How is he okay and in the same sentence you talking about him carrying a gun?  And how you wish to get it away from him?  But yet he is okay?  Um, HE IS NOT OKAY....OKAY????

I was annoyed.  I didn't want to hear anymore.  I just walked away and made me plate of food.  Although I was annoyed I just let it pass and put it out of my mind.   

For months and maybe even years now they have been trying to convince my uncle to volunteer to go to hospital.  I don't know where they got this idea, but I guess they can get him into a private place if he volunteers.  If you force him, things get complicated because it becomes legal matter to get him out.  But of course he won't go.  Duh!!!!  He thinks he is just fine.  I asked my cousin why won't they just have him taken there unwillingly.  She says that they don't want to do that because he will go to a county hospital with "just anybody off the streets in there and he will have a different doctor and nurse everyday.  The private hospital is better."  Then I asked her,

"Well if he volunteers, can't he sign himself out also?  If he can then what's the point?"

Her reply:  'I don't know about that.  Good question."

I wanted to scream!  This man is walking around with a pistol and clearly delusional, and you want him to VOLUNTEER FOR TREATMENT???  And he might even be able to walk out if he refuses to sign papers and shyt?  Really think you gonna convice a mentally ill person that he needs help?  You can't REASON with people like that most times.  Especially a 70 year old man who is set in his ways that you probably can't tell anything to anyway even if he was sane.  And for the past year you have been trying to REASON and TALK with him to go on his own?  All because you don't want him to go to the county hospital?  You would rather him be on the streets with all kinds of mental triggers because you rather he go to the country club hospital instead?

I just held in my frustrations and let it go.

Then the thing happened at the movies in Colorado.  I listened to the news reports.

That guy was delusional.  My uncle is delusional. 

That guy had access to weapons.  My uncle has access to a weapon.  At least the one that we know about.

All weekend I kept thinking about my uncle.  The more I heard about the movie shooting, the more I thought about him.  I knew he wasn't better.  He couldn't be.  He wasn't getting any treatment.  I hadn't heard anything new, but at the same time I told myself don't ask about anything new

 "You don't wanna know.  Let them handle that.  You got too much shyt going on."

The self talk only worked for about a day though.  I went against what I told myself and dove into the pool anyway.  So yesterday I checked in with my cuz with the intention of getting an update (on the sly) on how my uncle was doing.  But I didn't need to do much prying.  The second sentence out of her mouth was about that my uncle is getting worse.  She said she hadn't slept and that he was really, really bad.  She said that now he thinks that terrorists have placed electronic devices in the backyard, and that his ex-wife and ex-girlfriend have put voodoo on him.  Then it got even more bizarre and scary.  This past Saturday, he went on the roof of his house and was looking down the chimney to see if these so-called 'terrorists' had put something in it.  Electronic bombs or monitoring devices apparently.  He thought they were trying to get in his house thru the chimney.  He went up there with his gun...
and fired it. 

I almost fell out of my chair.  My heart was pounding in my chest.  I was scared. 

I dunno but somehow they got him down and shoved him into the house before he could fire it again.  They tried but he wouldn't let go of the gun.  I guess no one else heard it or bothered to call the cops, and neither did my cousins.  Instead, they continued to try to convince him to check himself into the hospital.  And of course he said no.

So all day yesterday I am communicating with her about my uncle.  Trying to get them to get over this fear of the county hospital and get the man some help.  Then my cousin says, "Well he has a doctor's appointment next week."

NEXT WEEK!!!??????????????????

Are you serious!!!  Y'all seriously gonna wait until next fuggin' week when this man fired his pistol on top of his roof 48 hours ago? 

I can't believe what I'm hearing.  As I'm communicating with her, I'm telling myself more and more,

"F*ck this.  I'm gonna call the cops myself.  From 900 miles away.  I'm gonna call the cops.  He might kill somebody or kill himself.  I can't just let them pussyfoot around this because over dumb shyt like the hospital ain't cute enough." 

But then I sit back and think, "If I do that, the family will hate me.  They will say it was none of my business and that his children were handling it.  It wasn't my business."

As I go back and forth trying to decide on what I was gonna do, I try to plead with her.  I tell her that if he does something to someone they will regret it for the rest of their lives because they KNEW he had a problem and they KNEW he walked around with a loaded gun.  I tell her that going to jail will be worse if he shoots it and someone reports it.  I tell her that when the cops see a Black man on the end of a pistol, they shoot first and ask questions later.  He will probably be killed. 

I ask her again why they are waiting to take him to the hospital.  She tells me that she is waiting on her brother to decide what to do but he is in denial.  I tell her don't do that.  Don't put it all on him.  Her brother is not a professional or a doctor.  She is tryin' to pass the buck.  YOU DO SOMETHING SISTA GIRL.  YOU!!!!

I ask, "Why don't you step up cuz and call?  I don't get it."

"I can't.  I live with him and he will never trust me again." 

(to myself)

But you'd rather spend your days worrying what he might do with that damn gun?  What if he sees some random Pakistani man in the street and thinks he is the one trying to mess with his chimney?  Because you live with him?  Dumb bullshyt azz reason. 

I can't reply.  I'm trying not to piss her off or make her feel bad.  I seek permission instead.

"I'll call.  My uncle can hate me.  I'm fine with that."

But she doesn't take my offer or acknowledge it.

"I'll make some calls.  We want him in a private hospital though.  We don't wanna call the cops."

(taps fingers on desk)

This is bullshyt!  Pure bullshyt.  Is the boogey man at the damn county hospital or something?  WTF!!!!  And now I know too much.  Too much that if something happened I would ALSO REGRET NOT OPENING MY MOUTH.   I would be just as lame as they are for seeing this train coming and not trying to stop it. 

I don't wanna live with that.  I just don't. 

Just like the mom of that shooter in Colorado has to do.  I just don't wanna live with knowing I could have stopped something serious from happening to him or to someone else.

But don't get me wrong --- I get it.  My cousins are too emotionally connected and are stalling. It's their Dad.   But it’s too much talking right now among everybody and not enough doing.

Should I call the cops myself and have everybody hate me?  Or should I let them handle it?

Today I made a proclamation.  I said that if my uncle is not in that county hospital in 24 hours, whether my cousin takes him or the cops take him,  I will call myself. 

All the way from NY.  I will call my damn self.

(shaking head)

But is it up to me really?  Is it my business to handle?

What should I do?  What should I do? 

(insert sad face)

Sigh.  Going to the gym…..

Wednesday, June 27, 2012

Kick Me

Yeah I know.  I'm falling off my game.

Man, this month has been kicking my azz! 

Out of nowhere my clients for the side biz were on me for this and that, 

Then I was trying to manage this new dude I was kicking with,

Then I am trying to sell out this crap I have in storage shyt from my closed business,

Then I had the IRS audit,

Then I'm doing mystery shopping,

And then finding time to get my weekly dose of Shallow Hal's drama...I am just swamped.  I am doing waayyy too much and it's sickening. 

I think I can pull something off this Saturday though.  Probably just gonna resume the Shallow Hal story cuz that fool is just ridiculous. 

Miss C was talking about killing herself and the babies.  Geezus.  Shyt is so bad.  So bad.

But my own life is a trip on it's own that I can't even focus on his azz right now.  I think I have a problem saying no to stuff, and just add to my plate knowing FULL WELL I don't have time.

My apartment looks like hell.  Car ain't been washed.  Finally washed clothes Sunday that ain't been washed since the end of April.  Now let's see how long it will take me to fold them up and put them away.  LOL. 

I'll go for days with no sheets on the damn bed,  so then I'll sleep on the couch and then wake up with my neck and shoulders all f*cked up.

Maybe if I write about it I'll fix the situation and slow down. 

For starters, I'm gonna get a massage after work before I go bartend tonight.  My neck is killing me. 

Tuesday, May 22, 2012

"Who You Callin' A Bytch?" : Standoff in the Subway

It’s Friday evening.  Rush hour in NYC.  The weekend is here and I am the last person left in the office at work.  After much debate, I decide to skip going to happy hour even though the weather was nice.  It was a hard decision because the energy in the air was crazy and the city was electric.  What changed my mind was that I was loaded down with bags and my laptop and I didn’t feel like lugging all that crap   into a bar.   I am always, always, always losing shyt and it always happens when I have a lot of shyt with me.  In a three month period:
·         I lost my tip jar in a bar – DRUNK
·         I lost my $284 bus non-refundable fkn bus pass
·         I lost my wallet on a trip to Houston…which had the SECOND $284 bus pass that I had just replaced
And then last week I lost my damn driver’s license.  The one I had just replaced not even a month before.  I just have too much shyt in my bag and too many things on my mind and it is just causing chaos in my life.  So I opted to just be corny and slooooowwww down and take my azz home.  No happy hour that night.  I was just gonna clean up and drop the load of stuff I was carrying on both my shoulders.
Things are pretty ordinary at first.  I’m standing on the subway platform and it’s not very crowded, but after a few minutes I sensed something was wrong.  The trains were not coming into the station and the platform was filling with people very quickly.  In NYC trains come every couple minutes to shuttle the people out of the station, but by the time I had waited about eight minutes for the train, the platform was packed.  Not cool.
And of course this would happen when I have another train to catch in less than 15 minutes.
There's pushing and shoving of course when the train finally arrives, and I squeeze myself onto it.  Still no biggie.  It happens.  I am only going two stops but I take a minute to read some mail that was in my bag.  Again, no biggie.  Four minutes later I’m at my stop, but nobody is moving off the car it seems.  No bueno.   I have a train to catch in less than 10 minutes!!!
Newsflash.  You gotta keep it moving on the subway okay?  People get off, people get on.  The door opens and you have like two seconds to make a decision.  That’s it.  But for some reason on this occassion, nobody is moving?  The door is open.  The clock is ticking.  And I gotta go!

I search for the source of the problem.  I see this blond chick in the doorway who seems to be confused as to what to do.  You could tell that it wasn’t her stop, and she wasn’t sure about moving onto the platform so that people could get off.  Maybe she was afraid she wasn't gonna get back on.  The train was packed and the platform had hundreds of people waiting, and she was in the doorway trying to figure the shyt out.  What was probably only a few seconds she tried to work it out in her mind, but it seemed like minutes to me.  Precious minutes that I needed to use to get to my train, which was a long azz New York City block away.  Eventually this guy behind me says, “I wanna get off.”   He was directing it at the people near the door.   Still the blond lady looks confused and is still in the damn doorway.  I see her and say in a normal voice, “Move onto the platform.”  I called myself trying to coach her I guess.
But who responds?  Some muthafucca who was standing behind that lady waiting for her to move too.
He barks, “Just wait a minute!  We can’t move if there are other people in front of us!  Just wait!” 
He was angry.  Loud.  Nasty.  I honestly didn’t hear everything that he said exactly, but I did notice his tone.  He seemed really hot and bothered.  At first it didn’t even affect me.  I've seen plently of pissy people in my life and on the subway.  Plus nowadays I am slow to react with things sometimes (a big fault of mine), and his level of stank-ocity didn't register fully.  All I was thinking about was making my train honestly, and I literally had minutes to get to it.  I didn't focus on him and how he sounded.  I wanted to get off.
So I wait again.   The guy next to me waits too.  Still....NOBODY MOVES.
Then the guy behind me says it again, “I wanna get off.”  This time a little louder and with more frustration in his voice.

I chime in.  “Excuse me, I need to get off.”  My voice was even and calm.  I wasn't upset yet.
Then the same stank white guy says something again.  Again he is way too mad about the situation, but I don’t hear it all because finally there is some movement in the car.   I’m just trying to get off and I was focusing on that.   I say, “I’m sorry but I have a train to catch" as I moved my way towards the door.

And at that moment the situation went left.  Way left.  The guy and the blond chick finally moved their azzes out to the platform.  He positions himself near the subway door so he can step back on after people get off.  As I pass him to get off the train, he screams at the top of his lungs....

“Awww why don’t you shut up you f*ckin’ bitch!!!!”

I stop dead in my tracks.  SAY WHAT!!!!!!!!??????????  At that point, it was over.  I mean really over. 

I turn around and although he is not making eye contact with me, I can see his pasty face with his jaws tightened.    Oh you mad huh?  You wanna see mad?  You want to take me from zero to 20 in a millisecond, call me a bytch for no reason and you'll see mad real quick.

In an instant I transformed into the Incredible Hulk, Medusa, and The Exorcist combined.  I was not me and I was not in control.

I get in his face.   And I mean right in his face.  And with a deep, throaty growl I hollered,

“Who you callin’ a bitch….......BITCH!!!!?”
I was loud.  I said that so loud it strained my throat.  I stayed in his face.  Then something rumbled inside of me.  From the pit of my stomach, the monster grew and erupted, and before I even knew what was happening --- I pushed him with my body.   I see his face tighten with anger.  He steps backward to push me with his body.  You pushed me back?  Really?  And before I could think...

I hit him.  With my balled up fist I hit him.
I saw him flinch as my fist landed on his body.  I hear people on the platform gasp, and someone was saying, “Hey, hey, hold on there.”  I was ready.  No way was he gonna insult me like that over some bullshyt.  NOT TODAY.
He didn't make another move though, and before I knew it he had walked back into the train.  He didn’t say another word either.  He just stood there, holding the pole in the train, looking in another direction.  He did not make eye contact with me, and strangely the anger in his face had downshifted to neutral?  Just a quickly as this azzhole blew up, he went into an emotionless stance.   My face was still full of anger though, and I was ready for his azz.  How dare you call me a bitch over the fact that I want to get off the train?  The damn lady was the fuckin’ problem, not him.  Maybe she was with him and he was defending her…who knows.  All I know is that the situation didn’t call for him yelling at me like that and I was ready to fight his azz over it.   Bags on my shoulders and all. 
When I saw that he wasn’t gonna make another move and that he had created some distance between us, I started to walk away.   A booming “MUTHAFUCCA!!!!” roared from my lips.  I was hot as hell!   I saw people looking at me but I didn’t give a f*ck.  I was steamed.  After that chick punked me in the subway last year (Standoff in the Subway), and that dude tried to pick on me at the movie, I wasn’t having it.  I just wasn’t.
I made it to my train, but honestly I felt that I should have stayed on that damn subway and decked that muthafucca.  I know that's not cool to think that way, but I did for a few minutes.  I know people in NYC are crazy but he was totally out of line.  People keep pushing me.  On the street.  In the bar.  In the movies.  I never told that story on the blog did I? About how some random man felt he was gonna f*ck with me because I was by myself in the movies one day?  Oooh….boy. 
(jaw tightening as I remember that incident)
Don’t these people know that I take boxing classes and that I am a muthafuccin’ NINJA in a dress???? 
Anyway people pass out the bytch word way too much these days, and honestly these men have such blatant disrespect for women now that it’s just ridiculous.   That dude knew I meant business and opted to close his mouth as he held that pole waiting for the door to close.  He should have closed his mouth in the first f*ckin' place.  For real.  The situation didn't have to go there and he was being a damn azzhole.
“Who you callin’ a bitch?”
Not me dammit.  That’s for sure.
I just hope next time this happens I don't lose it again.  
(I need some brass knuckles in my life.)