I don't get many comments on here, but what I read in response to my last Tin Man post really resonated with me. Maybe it's my obssessive ways coming out, but I read some of them a few times - well more than a few times. It seems that we women have a lot in common when it comes to men and relationships:
"Sounds like my ex."
"Sounds like my situation."
"I went through the same thing."
So it felt good for people to understand what I was feeling. Like I wasn't alone.
But then I wanted to know more. I wanted to know more about how people handled their ex, their situation, or their "same thing."
I mean, what made you walk away? We women take a LOT of shyt from dudes. I'm sure we can relate to Beyonce's lyrics:
There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must've been outta my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you
Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
So baby good lookin' out
Can you feel what she is saying right there? I know I can. I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must've been outta my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you
Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
So baby good lookin' out
Especially that "showed your ass" part.
When it's playing in my car, I sing that part as loud as I fuggin' can ---
WITH the windows down,
and my hands twirlin',
and my head movin' back and forth.
I be in full SISTA GYRL mode for real on that joint. LOL.
(gettin' off track)
Ok, ok. So this is what I wanna do. I wanna ask others...
what made you say that you finally had enough?
How many times did he/she let you down, cheat, lie, be mean and you just had to walk away?
Or was it him/her that walked away? Why?
Or maybe it wasn't him/her? Maybe it was you and you let him/her down?
Did you fall out of love? Meet someone new? Did you just lose the spark and know that you just couldn't go on with him/her anymore?
I'm sure that there are so many stories, and maybe if we shared them, our eyes might open up a little bigger. Asking this is a risk because I might not even get anyone to respond, but I'll roll the dice anyway.
so what was the last straw in your relationship?
what did it take for you to walk away and make it stick?
Maybe if I read what y'all say, I think I might (well WE might) be able to fine tune our bullshyt radars a little bit mo'. Are you game?
(light bulb moment)
Hmmm, I got an idea! But let's see what happens with this post first.
Thanks for reading about my chit y'all. I seem to talk about any damn thing. Freely (maybe too freely). Who woulda thought I would have the guts to do so? It's official!
I'm all growed up.
(light bulb moment)
Hmmm, I got an idea! But let's see what happens with this post first.
Thanks for reading about my chit y'all. I seem to talk about any damn thing. Freely (maybe too freely). Who woulda thought I would have the guts to do so? It's official!
I'm all growed up.
Honestly, any "situation" with an ex took a few times of going back for it to really be done.
ReplyDeleteI can't remember any of the "last straws". I remember incidents, fights, random revelations of scumbag doings behind my back, but for every new last straw, there was usually another time I went back or answered a text, call expected them to be sorry or change, and just was still emotionally invested in them somehow, some way.
I never really felt permanently DONE with any of them unless a lot of time had gone by- as in months or years later- or until I got with someone else and truly did not care any more.
Hmm.. what did it take for me to walk away. I think I finally realized we weren't going to be Mr & Mrs. when I saw he expected us to be care free & happy 24/7. I understood that relationships had ups and downs and he didn't expect to spend a moment unhappy. After 4 years of off and on I walked away.. thank GOD! I found out afterwards he was cheating, but I got the last laugh. The girl was pregnant and he thought it was his baby...NOT! lol
ReplyDeleteThanks for responding ladies!
ReplyDelete@ Sade...right. I figured it probably takes going thru a 'few' things before you finally say FLUCK IT. I think I'm like you though...if I was really into them, I probably was never permanently done. But it didn't stop me from moving on, which was good.
@ Hey ShaBoogie
Ok I read this and I was like "What?" So dude didn't want to argue, avoided problems, was in denial that things were off center when then were? Is that what you're saying? If so, that is VERY interesting. And on top of that he was cheating? Damn. But I guess she 'cheated' on him back so...lol. Yep, you definitely got the last laugh!
Well, I'm gonna tell the story about my last straw with my first love, the one that reminds me of how you describe Tin Man.. It wasn't really a last straw; it was a slow realization that I didn't wanna deal with him anymore. At first I loved his care free anti-establishment attitude. I loved that he was such a rebel. But then I realized that his anti-ways meant me too. The first warning was our one-year anniversary, which also happened to be New Year's Eve 1999. So that was a pretty big date. Instead of spending it with me, he dropped me off at my mom's and lied about coming back for me. I found out later he was getting high with his boys instead. But I still loved him. Then when I realized he had stopped working and contributing to any of the bills and I became the breadwinner at 19 and he instead chose to get high. I still loved him. When he started calling me fat and lamenting that he can't stand how much weight I had gained. I still loved him. When he refused to come to a big family party with me for my sister's graduation, I still loved him. When he antagonized my friends and let his friends talk sh*t about me, I still loved him. When he told me we'd get married then spent the next day high and denying he ever said those things, I still kinda loved him. He started spending most of his time with his friends and left me alone, and I thought maybe I still loved him. Then when I started going out on my own with my own friends, I thought maybe I might be wrong about him. I ended up meeting this awesome man who was so kind and sweet and caring and protective of me, and I realized maybe I didn't love him like I should. I tried to talk it out with my ex, but he had this thing where he'd patronize and belittle everything I said, and at first with my rose colored glasses on, I thought he was so smart and just above everything, and then I realized no, he's just being a dick. And I didn't love him. I realized I was done with him and I was quickly losing all the feelings I used to have for him. I realized I could do better. Much better. And I finally bounced. At first, like always, he was blase about it, even laughed about it. But weeks went by with no word from me. Then months. Then one day he showed up at my job with roses and---no shit---a WHOLE book he'd written with poetry and love letters for me. And old me would've melted. Old me would've kissed him on the spot. New me, new me that was dating the gentleman I had met during our downslide, rolled my eyes at his attempt. Two years, I tried with my first love. Two years I cried and tried. And I realized when I looked in his eyes and looked at his gifts, he was no longer wonderful to me. I saw him the way all my friends saw him all along. And the spell was broken.
ReplyDeleteFin.
:)
@ LakiSwirl.
ReplyDeleteGirl your comment took my breath away. I like the way you write, and I like the way you explained the state of your feelings after each thing. Bravo! But this part right here...
"..tried to talk it out with my ex, but he had this thing where he'd patronize and belittle everything I said, and at first with my rose colored glasses on, I thought he was so smart and just above everything, and then I realized no, he's just being a dick."
That's money cuz that's exactly what I went thru. I guess he knew I was digging him so much that he started throwing out these insults and tried to make me sound crazy or dumb. The more we dealt with each other, the dumber I got it seemed. I don't think Tin Man has it in him so show up asking to try again, much less so with flowers and poems in his hands. If he did ever show up, I can see him bringing something alcoholic maybe. That's about it. LOL.
@Laki - Wow! I really have to take my hat off to you.
ReplyDeleteSuffice it to say that I married my dad (the evil side of him anyway). He was my high school sweetheart but he was anything but sweet. He was an alcoholic, a closeted pothead with no ambition in life. I didn't realize any of this until he got out of the Navy. He could be very controlling at times but I was a young so I thought that was his way of showing me he cared. He didn't want me to go away to college because he thought I would find someone else. He convinced me to move back home and I was pregnant 6 months later. He MIGHT have worked three months throughout my pregnancy. Before and after my daughter was born, he cheated on me but I was loyal to a fault. We got married a week before my daughter's 1st birthday. The next 4 years, I struggled with depression, low esteem...you name it, I was dealing with it. His favorite thing to tell me was that I think I'm better than/smarter than everybody. To quote him exactly, "you think you know every motherfuckin' thing!" Yeah he said that in front of his momma on several occasions.
The last year we lived together as husband and wife, he got laid off and put zero effort into finding employment. My entire paycheck was going to pay bills while he sat his ass at home all day. Did I mention that his unemployment had ran out? There was no money for groceries...we even pawned our tv. One day my daughter came home from pre-k crying because her feet were hurting because her tennis shoes were too small. I broke down crying and knew then that it was the beginning of the end. To make an already long story short, he cussed me out a few weeks after that and that was the final straw. When I got off work that night, I went home and told him that I was moving out in January. He cried and begged and pleaded but it was all for nothing because I had had enough. I didn't want my daughter to grow up the way that I did...broke with parents who argued a lot. I was tired of the cheating, the verbal abuse and mostly importantly, I was tired of feeling like the only person that was in love. I always felt like the things that made him fall in love with me were the things he hated most about me.
from a males perspective i'll admit i once cheated and realized that its was one of the biggest mistakes of my life. I had a really good woman, truly the type you bring home to mom, crazy because them two are still close and tight til this day. But the cheating killed that spark in our relationship. She stayed with me even after it, but after a while with the trust gone and romance struggling to keep us together it was to much for her and i absolutely respect that. So in her walking away it was the relationship wasnt one anymore. I recently had a relationship where i had to walk away. After I cheated I made a promise to myself and the next female I dated that I would make sure that I didn't cheat again but most of all that she would have all that I could give. And when that is not being reciprocated you truly indeed have to walk away. I held on for a while, noone wants to just give up on something they've invested time and effort into. But you have to mentally and physically know your tipping point and when its been reach. And in this crazy thing we call life, you don't know how the tide will turn. I never close the door on an ex coming back into my life. So you walking away my not be the final chapter of that story, might just be needed for the time being .
ReplyDeleteMy "Situation"started out great. He was the first guy ever to treat me right. I was scared going in because I've been hurt several times before. He worked and worked until he broke down all my barriers to get me to open up and eventually it worked. I was so open. He was the perfect gentleman and super attentive for months. Everything seemed wonderful and we made plans to make our relationship official in the new year (Jan 2011) since I was traveling in December.
ReplyDeleteNeedless to say, in the new year everything turned to shit and he was constantly breaking promises and letting me down. He said he was getting so busy and MIGHT have to move away to be with his mom. Which would have put us into a long distance relationship. He wasn't willing to do that he said. Things were up in the air for months between us after that. I was being dragged along and he was trying to force me into a friendship after promising me the world of happiness with him. I tried to distance myself from him but he pulled me back begging that I remain a part of his life. Claimed he wasn't willing to lose such a great person. I didn't understand how we were supposed to go from being so into each other to being "Homies."
Said he was seeing other people but not as seriously as we were the previous year. My heart was breaking and he just kept letting me down. Everytime we were supposed to do something he fell through. Everytime he said he'd do something for me (without me even asking), he fell through. It became a constant shit storm. Said he didn't have the time to date anyone seriously since he was getting so "Busy."
The last straw came 2 months ago (At which point he still had not moved anywhere when he blasted his sprung feelings for his new and amazing gf in a Facebook status. This same man who is so busy and not seeing anyone seriously.I had enough of his BS and cut his a$$ right out of my life. No traces. Blacklisted. He wouldn't even be able to send me a smoke signal if he wanted to. I told his backside off too. I felt so much lighter afterwards.
I'm healing and moving on now. Everyday I wake up, I think about him less and less. Admittedly I sometimes wonder if he ever thinks of me or even regrets hurting me to the core the way he did. But in all honesty, reading your blog and others has helped me a lot. I critique myself a lot less and realize it's not my fault. I no longer ask why I wasn't good enough. I'm a good woman and I see that some guys are just assholes. I call him the turtle nigga.
These 2 blog posts really opened my eyes and honestly made me feel better. I hope that they can do the same for others.
Why Wasn't I Good Enough
http://www.singleblackmale.org/2011/05/09/she-just-wasnt-good-enough/
He's Never Going To Marry You
http://blackgirlsareeasy.blogspot.com/2011/05/hes-never-going-to-marry-you.html
@ Jetaime...
ReplyDelete"I always felt like the things that made him fall in love with me were the things he hated most about me."
Now that's big. Funny, I think that may have been my issue too with Tin Man...but that's only when he used his wit to be condescending towards me.
You really held it down on the homefront. I don't know how I could deal with someone just sitting back not working and contributing to the household. Wow. But I know exactly what you mean about growing up and seeing your parents argue and fight. My mother would go so far and cut my father with a knife, and there would be blood and police and what not. But back then they didn't arrest people as much for domestic violence issues. The main thing would be about money, or when my father got drunk he would just start acting a fool and start calling my mother names and stuff - dumpy, fat, hoe, etc. But moms never walked away though. I don't think she ever even considered it. Honestly, I think she was the one who ended up cheating though. But my pops was old so where would he go at that point? They didn't sleep in the same room for maybe 20 years or more. What a life right? Well as for you, I wonder did you see the signs of anything before you got married?
TheoryRepublic!
ReplyDeleteBless you for being THAT DUDE and sharing. I was suprised to see a fella step up. But that's big because a lot of dudes probably wouldn't be open because sometimes men keep things bottled up inside.
Ok lemme pull something from what you said (see I told y'all about my OCD and studying these comments closely):
"And when that is not being reciprocated you truly indeed have to walk away. I held on for a while, noone wants to just give up on something they've invested time and effort into. But you have to mentally and physically know your tipping point and when its been reach."
True indeed. But sometimes you wait too damn long to realize that your point TIPPED a minute ago. But like you said, you don't want to give up. And having an unrequited love is the worst. Theeeee worst. You've been on both sides of the relationship fence though, and I'm sure that has some value to you as you go thru this life. I've been on both too, I've hurt and took another for granted, and I have had it done to me. So believe me I know.
LuvOfMusiq
ReplyDeleteTurtle Nigga! What!!! Yeah I think I need to go back and read that on Black Girls Are Easy. LOL.
"He wouldn't even be able to send me a smoke signal if he wanted to."
You're fired. Haha.
Girl I read you comment and gulped. Damn the beginning sounds familiar! Build u up, see that they got u, and then start with the bullshyt. I think sometimes they get scared? I dunno. Your comment gave me an idea about a post, so thanks!
"Everyday I wake up, I think about him less and less. Admittedly I sometimes wonder if he ever thinks of me or even regrets hurting me to the core the way he did"
I admit it too. I do the same thing. Think about him. But I do feel myself pulling away more each day. And for some reason, it concerns me a little cuz I think I want to leave the door cracked just a little. Just in case 'he comes to his senses." I feel the door closing and I'm sticking my foot in it for some dumb azz reason. What a joke right? But I know it will close eventually. I know Theory said that he wouldn't close off an ex, and I'm the same way. But things usually won't be the same. With Tin Man, I will always think that the 'old Ike Turner' will eventually show up again.
@EOTP - I didn't see many signs because he was in the Navy for the first 2 years of our relationship, while I was completing my first 2 years of college. Since it was a long distance relationship, it wasn't until he came home that I started noticing A LOT of his flaws. There's a whole lot to my story..I barely scratched the surface but my past has made me a no nonsense chick in every way. I haven't lost my faith in love and I know what its like to find someone who reciprocates it in every way.
ReplyDeleteAs for my ex, he is 35 and still at home with his momma. A leopard doesn't change its spots, huh?
We cheated on each other, and i knew it wasnt really where i wanted to be, he wouldnt let go and i wasnt quite ready, all happened not to long ago and still is really fresh.
ReplyDeleteI said no more when he wouldnt admit it or talk about it at all, and i realised the relationship was beneath me, i was compromising way too much.. in the beginning things where good, he appealed to my emotional side. the first guy i net that ever really opened up. oh & he was a liar & loved to promise to do things and would NEVER come thru
Lovely post. Mine was a blow, cause I caught him right in the act cheating... aside that, I had tried by giving my all to make it work and yet my all wasn't good enough. So I moved on when I realized I was been played for a fool, when I realized I was choking and I needed some air. its really hard to walk away from a relationship, but one thing you must remember is,your happiness is paramount and no one can help unless you help yourself!
ReplyDeleteMy relationship should have ended at the first lie when he failed to tell me he had a daughter from then on it was downhill..he lied to me about living alone until one day she came home with her family against me at the moment I was still innocent but since she left him I decided to stay it was my dumbass fault..hes broke ass rarely work and had a junk truc my neighbors suspected him in recent break ins..there where two points where I was like hell no..one time his truck broke down in the middle of traffic and he took his anger out on me I i told him he needs to work hard and get a better car..my sisters boyfriends allowed him to keep he broken ass truck at their house since it wouldn't start..next incident I gave him a cellphone for his birthday because I was tired of him using his cousins and he didn't even have my number or a picture of me so around Christmas we didn't talk and he was absent and I texted him to go and pick up his truck and he actually took his new gf and brother to help him out...he did end things with me in a way but it pushed me to lose weight and I became me again and dated a few decent interesting men and now I been with my bf for a year and my family loves him and by the way I recently ran into his bitch ass and he actually try to talk to me I walked away with out saying a single word best advice ever from the first lie don't walk run Forrest run away
ReplyDelete