Thursday, October 10, 2013

Most People Will Call Me Cray...

I am sitting in a Starbucks in Times Square.  It's like 50 degrees outside but they have the air conditioner on like it's 80 damn degrees! Brrrrrr!!!!!  I'm starting to sniff because I have been sitting here typing for a while now.  I already bought a lukewarm hot chocolate and I ain't buying shyt else to warm up.  I need cocktail money for when I go to karaoke later.  Not sure if I'm sanging though. 

And to add to the frigidity in here, there's this crazy lady sitting next to me having a silent conversation with SOMEBODY.  Her hands are moving around and she is smiling and laughing at whatever SOMEBODY is saying to her.  But what's odd is that she hasn't uttered a sound.  Not a single sound.  She is just over there with her latte being silent crazy and having a good ol' time too.

CONFESSION:  This is exactly the same shyt I do at home.  Shhhhhh!!!!  But my rants are usually just rewinds of convos that I already had that have bothered me or had me worked up.  I just repeat what was said, and then add on what I WISH I WOULD HAVE SAID.  I'm not having 'real time' convos with imaginary people like she is sitting here doing.  Wait a minute.  I must be buggin?  I wrote that like my crazy convos are more sane than hers just because they already occurred.  It's still crazy right?  Real time or past time...talking to yourself regularly out loud is a little crazy.  I just need to own that and stop buggin like I'm better than other crazy people.  LOL.  I'm sure when I get to be an old lady I will be officially cray cray, and very skilled at talking to people that had been in front of me the day before.  I already see it coming.  Been doing it too long to stop.  Sigh.  Oh well. 


It has been a tumultuous summer career wise.  In an earlier post, "I Failed at Kissin' Ass", I talked about my job that started tripping after I had worked there almost 7 years.  I am not gonna go back and relive the details of that, but I finally left that joint in June.  And not without scandal.  The depature wasn't quiet at all and got weird.  I tried my best to leave without drama and say 'safe' things during the exit interview, but it was all for nothing.  That exit interview triggered a whole lot of craziness and my manager said that I betrayed him!  And because he felt betrayed, he did some bogus shyt!  His ass had the nerve to....

....ah I'll leave it for later next time.

(to self:  I have to write about that over the weekend.  It's pretty juicy.  I'm gonna title it, "Don't Do Exit Interviews At A Job" or something like that.  With a spicier title of course...)

So like I said I left the job in June.  I moved on to a new job that I didn't really want because it was a job where I would have to kiss some other executive's ass.  And remember I already failed at kissin ass already, so what made me think I wouldn't be expected to do that again.  Reluctantly I started the new job June 3rd, and on September 3rd I stopped going.  I decided to take a temporary job making $16,000 less and started the next day.  Wild.

And I know that most people would call me cray for that.  But I went ahead and did it anyway.

People wouldn't understand that I just couldn't do it anymore.  I just couldn't.  I had interviewed for 8 months all around NYC and was tired of 'acting' like I wanted to be somebody's assistant.  I had been passed over and insulted and treated like a dog long enough by recruiters for some damn "I Want to Work for Diddy" type of shyt.  Even though folks in these assistant jobs can make a lot of money, I didn't care.  That career path just wasn't for me.  I knew  that it was over when the new job started asking me to go out and get iced tea for the executive.  I was officially over it and I.WANTED.OUT.

Why?  Because it didn't make any damn sense anymore.  I had done this assistant stuff because only I wanted something not too demanding while I ran my business.   When the business closed in 2009 I should have turned my back on the job but by then I had gotten too comfortable there.   I really f*cked up by staying there another four years and should have gone into something else. So I had to weigh it out.  Either keep running to get iced tea and ordering sammiches for the big executives, or just bite the bullet and start fresh before I found myself doing a repeat and "getting comfortable" again. 

So that's what I did.  I got the fluck out. 

That's because I was choking.  I was dying inside.  I was feeling lost and it was making me feel like....I didn't want to be here anymore.  It was getting dangerous and affecting me mentally.  So when the bank finally called said they would take me on contract basis I said yes. 

So I started the contract job at the bank and stopped going to the other job.  And the other job fired me lickety split for not coming to work.  Hated to do it that way and honestly I should have just QUIT, but silly me...I kept stalling and screwed that up big time.  I was just sooooo confused I didn't know what to do.

But I was freeeeeeee!!!!!!!!

I let the new job go and went to one for less money. 
I let the new job go for no stability.
And the contract ain't even for a year.  How many people would do that? 

Not many I bet.  Most people would just call me cray.

And you know what, that's cool.  I have thought and thought about it and I have it all figured out (I think...)  If I play my cards right and get the experience in this financial crimes field doing a couple of contract positions, I'm thinking that in a year or so I might even surpass what I was making anyway in that job I just left.  I will work on getting the certifications, network at this bank I am at now and build my circle, and hustle my way into FT before you know it.  I'm on a mission.  And I ain't the least bit scared.

(SIDE NOTE:  A cute slim goodie just walked into Starbucks.  Walkin' slowly and lookin' my way.  Tall with a brown coat.  Let's call him Toostie Roll.  Ain't bought nothing to drink either and sat down.  Freeloader taking up chair space!!!  Hmmm.  No empty seat at my table though.  Dang.  Actually that's probably for the better because I need to be bloggin' right now anyway. Plus I got my hands full with Trinidad and I need to TRY to be good.  If he came over here he will wreck my flow.  Stay away Tootsie Roll least until I finish.  LOL.)

So like I said I ain't scared.  The recruiters call and think I'm crazy.  I went on an interview yesterday and they looked at me slightly crazy too because I took less money.  But I just yapped on about my experience and tried to captivate them with my intelligence anyway.  Not sure if it worked because when the interview ended he said the dreaded "Good luck", which is never a good sign.  Boo. 

I read something  once about taking chances and stepping backward to move forward toward a different success path.  People may not understand that's exactly what I am trying to do, and even though I am not a young pop tart- I AIN'T DEAD YET!  For the past seven years I had not told a soul what I did for a living.  My family didn't even know what I did.  Most times I would just say "Office Manager" when that wasn't really my title.  I did that because to me it didn't make sense given that I was an engineer, started two businesses, but yet I was ordering lunch and making travel arrangements for people??? Just for somebody to say to me that I didn't kiss somebody's ass well enough after six plus years of service???  If it didn't make sense to me I know it wouldn't make sense to somebody else.  It was easy just to lie or avoid talking about it rather than explain how I had ended up at that job.

I had fallen asleep.  When I was confronted with the words, "You don't make him feel like he is number one", it was just the wake up call I needed to leave that life behind!!!!!  It snapped me out of whatever funk I was in and I am not gonna make the mistake a second time around.  Hell no.  I'd rather sit in the park all day and let my savings drain to nothing before I compromise myself again and be shame to tell anybody anything about myself.  Not if I can help it.

And by no means am I saying that there is anything wrong with being an assistant, it was just wrong for me.  Yanno what I mean?  I wasn't about that life. I don't wanna be running for iced teas like a 19 year old and I ain't asking another soul if they want extra leg room on the plane. Nope. Not no mo'! Money is nice but I need to do more than just "make a living."  I hate working as it is so if I gotta work it better be doing something that I like.  Word.

Yep.  People can call me cray.   They can even SUPERSIZE IT and call me cray cray. I may not like that reaction but in the end I am feeling tons better about the direction I am going in.  Even while making this chump change. 
That's because I only get one life, and I am gonna do what best suits me.  No matter how crazy it may sound. 

There's a reason why my code name is "Eyes on the Prize".  I always have to reach for more.


  1. Do you girl! Nobody can make you happy but you! I am so proud of you for leaving that place that was killing your spirit and searching for your happy!!! Get it Eyes!

  2. YES!!! Definitely feeling you in this post (and every I am considering leaving my job now to do something else. I hope everything works out well for you. I'm sure it will. When you are determined to succeed, you will.

  3. This post here just gave me LIFE!!!!!! Reading this gave me the extra push I needed to work in the direction that I want to go in to be successful and not the one people say I should go in because of the the dollar signs attached to it. Proud of you for choosing happiness!!!

  4. fingers crossed that you get the job! and, kudos to you for pursuing what you want. no one wants to be some where they're not proud to claim. you're not cray your a risk taker & a hustler. those ppl get ahead. hope you and tootsie roll connected after you posted this blog

  5. this whole post just made me feel in a way. i hate my current situation. i am willing to take a pay cut for my sanity. i refuse to kiss ass...

    you go girl!