Friday, February 11, 2011

You Cannot Catch Feelings...

...if we have signed a Coochie Contract (right NC17?).


I get my d*ck.

You get some p*ssy.

We don't kiss on the lips, cuddle, or put heads on anyone's shoulders.  I don't cook for you and you can get up and get your own glass of water.

You don't change the channel on my TV to sports.  We watching Good Times or Dateline NBC because I pay the cable here.  Just sit over there quietly with your d*ck out until I'm ready to sit on it. 

You can text me dirty, sexy things and call me and say dirty, sexy things...cuz I likey that. 

We can eat, laugh, drink, watch TV, talk about people, and crack on each other in a joking type of way.  We can have fun.  But please note, we don't talk about "US" in that "US" type of way bruh.  There is no "us."  Got it?

So as a reminder,

YOU DO NOT ask me if it's your p*ssy.  I repeat.  You do not ask me if it's your p*ssy.  It will never be.  The contract doesn't talk about 'owning' anything.  Leasing?  Yeah maybe.  A lease without the option to buy. 

YOU DO NOT ask me or wonder OUTLOUD what I do with other people.

YOU DO NOT beg for attention or ask for attention.  I see you dammit!  I don't have to look into your face or eyes to know you're sitting over there.

YOU DO NOT stare at me with those "She's mine" eyes when other dudes are around.

YOU DO NOT send me texts sounding like a whining bytch such as, "Don't be ignoring my texts" or "Why you just now answering my texts."  Don't start this shyt!  Boy, I'll get back to you when I get back to you. 

Point blank.  We just f*cking.  Okay, okay.  I'll be less blunt and say it like this...we are just enjoying each other's company.  Just until somebody else better comes along.  So please, please, don't catch feelings right now because you gonna mess everything up!  The sex is good, so why mess it up with 'feelings'?  Honestly, I don't want you to 'feel' me because I have no feelings for any of you right now.  Yeah, yeah.  I know.  Then why deal with any man?  Because I like a little d*ck every now and then that's why.  And I'm not going without because somebody did me wrong.  I'm still gonna get mine....and right now I'm gettin it from you.  Ok boo?  Are we clear?

(I brush my lips softly against his cheek, but not so as to be mistaken for a kiss)

"What if I had a thing on the side, made you cry
Would the rules change up or would they still apply
If I played you like a toy?
Sometimes I wish I could act like a boy
Can't be getting mad, but you mad, can't handle that?
Can't be getting mad, but you mad, can't handle that?"

I don't have time for this okay.  Please re-read the terms of the contract and do what you signed up to do...which is to serve d*ck. 

(Again, I brush my lips against his cheek ever so softly, and then lean to whisper in his ear)

"I'm not your girl."

(He looks at me stoned faced for a minute, and then...he smiles.)

"Cool,"  he says. 

"Cool", I say.  I slowly start unbuttoning his pants.  He grows.  I look down at it. 

"See.  I knew you would understand."


  1. See! That's exactly what I'm talking about. Let's keep it simple and get down to business.

  2. Welcome back!! So where do I sign....

  3. i breached the coochie contract on all of those counts., fml i feel for the booty call in i lost the best D, i've ever had!! there any going back?!!

  4. I wish everything could be that wonderful.

  5. Hey anon...

    If the coochie was good u could prob get him back...but you may be wanting him back for more than the D? It Also depends on what part of the contract you messed up on? If overall feelings were getting heavy, how you gonna go back and say...ok I don't have feelings for u anymore and I just wanna screw? I mean it's possible but it would be hard, and the other person prob wldnt believe ya?

  6. its prob a lost cause by now..u know ur 'blackout blog' well imagine tht but twice as bad including vomit...yea thts the last time i saw him...who knows what i said? :-( ur right, i do want him for more than just the D...i just gotta cut my losses and keep it moving...but how? damn i sound pathetic right now, where but up
    from here!

  7. Ooooh another blackout testimony? And you don't remember what you said or did that day and he's been silent since? Dang. That is something. Well in my case they guy told me what I said and did otherwise I'd be wondering wtf happened myself. Maybe it would have been better if I didn't know the details anyway. I can't imagine your situation being twice as bad that day because mine was...just bananas.

    Well how long has it been since you spoke? If he is in the 3-4 weeks silence period you might get a call? If it's past that then it's probably a wrap. Plus if he hasn't called to check up and you were 'sick' the last time he saw is kinda bogus anyway. If if y'all were just fkn he still should have checked within 48 hours to see if you were aiight. At least that's my opinion.

    Nah, don't say you're pathetic. You got whipped when you weren't looking. It happened to me too with Pretty Brown. Yeah I felt a little stupid and hurt from letting myself get caught up, but what can I do? Try to look at it and be like "damn that was some good D, we had fun, we laughed, but it's just over now". I have to say that a lot myself. I'll get over it. You'll get over it. Let's just hope he can keep his mouth shut about what happened between you so you can move on to the next chica.

    So go ahead and be down for a little bit. You made a mistake and now you know better. Maybe at least you realize that a Coochie Contract/Dick Contract is not for you...if nothing else!

  8. thanks! i feel lil better :-) i'll keep ya posted with any updates...the skin is weak! lol

    and btw i LOVE ur blog, u got a fan in me!!

  9. I stumbled upon your blog at the perfect time. Someone sent me one of your other blog post and I haven't been able to stop reading. Can't wait for the next one.
    I'm commenting on this post because I had to sent this in a message via fb to someone. He keeps trying to ask how I'm doing, calling, bbm, tweet, etc. I used the same line you did, "let's just enjoy each others company" and he just didn't seem to get it.
    So kudos and much gratitude for putting the thoughts into words. He said he understands now. But it's cool cause he has already been replaced.

  10. ^ Word? WOW! I didn't think my rant could help someone else? Well at least I know I am not the only one that feels this way and that I am not the only one on a contract. Sometimes women want to keep it basic just as much as a man does.

    And thanks so much for reading. That meant the world to me to send me that shout out...cuz ya didn't have to, but you did!!!

    Many thanks...