Interview with a Dog: Part III - How Does He Do It?

I went back and read the last excerpt that I wrote.  Whew.  It's nuts to read about it just as much as it is to be actually be in the situation.  This thing with Shallow Hal is liking watching one of those Lifetime movies that scare the shyt out of people.  


I'm gonna break this up into two parts.  I already wrote it out but this post was too long and I think I will scare someone away when they see all the words.  I'll post it later this week. 

Anyway let's continue...

The days pass.  Shallow Hal is telling me about all of his drama with these two babies coming.  In fact, we are always talking about him.  He don't wanna know shyt about anyone else honestly.  All we ever talk about is him and his women, his kids, his job, his shyt. 

But one day I had to ask about me.  I wanted to know why did he need me when his hands were full already?

"If you have two women pregnant and due within days of each other, why in the world were you online looking for other women and corresponding with me?"

"Because Miss Carribean was in her country, and Miss New York lives out on Long Island and I only see her on weekends.  So I needed a Jersey piece during the week."

"You needed a Jersey piece", I repeated robotically.


That was all I could fix my mouth to say as we sped along in his Range Rover.   He needed a Jersey piece?   I'm the Jersey piece.  JP aka Just P*ssy.  Wow, what a title.  I guess I was at a loss for words because had never been around anyone so nonchalant about f*cking around like he did.  In my mind I had already figured that I was around because Miss New York was pregnant and was sick and couldn't and/or wouldn't f*ck, and the other one wasn't here yet from their country.  So that's what he was looking for, some Interim Azz to tide him over until at least Miss Caribean landed to give him some pregnant coochie.  So yep, I was the Seat Filler!  But like I said, I was getting what I wanted and I rolled with the plan.  He has his needs and I had mine.  I guess I could appreciate his honesty, but his blatant, "in your face"  forthrightness with it sometimes knocked me down on the ground.  It was still hard to swallow even though I knew what was going on.  I still would have to pick myself up after hearing alla that honesty.  When I got over the shock and I thought I was steady on my feet again, he would tell me more shyt and even more f*cked up stories from his past that I would just get knocked down again.  

And again. 

And again. 

I guess men are more built to hear this type of doggery, but I try my hardest to not be disgusted by it because I want him to keep talking to me.  And the more I listened to it, I saw how he has really convinced himself and conditioned his mind into thinking that what he does is okay.  He will say stuff like, "It's normal for a man", or "All men from my country do this", or "If I bring more to the table in the relationship I get a pass."  When he makes these statements you can see in his face that he really believes the shyt.  He has explained the wrongness, sneakiness, and low-downess all away and made it sound like normal, everyday shyt.  He even made the statement that all men have been with a prositute at least once in their lives because he has done it.  So it's funny that he will call himself a cheater and a dog, but he will always, always, always says something like ....

"I'm a dog, but I'm a dog with a warm heart." 

Arrogant azz.

And then he smiles at himself every time he says it too.  A sinister, prideful smile as if to credit himself on that fact that even though he will have other women, he is man enough to reveal his shortcomings.  He is the warm-hearted dog that will treat you nicely and buy you things.  He will give you attention and make you feel so fine.  Compliment you up and down and all around.  Make you think that you are the sassiest, finest thang walking this side of the Mississippi.  When he's with you he will wine you, dine you, and say sweet things.  Take you on trips and you never have to pay for anything.  To him, doing all of this 'other' stuff is what gives him the warm heart, but yet sticking his warm d*ck in two or three other chicks at the same time is not being cold.  He has thoroughly brainwashed himself.

I've learned something else too.  Since being around him, Shallow Hal knows how to play the gigilo game.  He knows how to dog you without you feeling like you're actually being dogged.  I guess what I mean is that you won't feel like you are second or third string with him.  He will call you everyday.  He will initiate dates.  He will pay for things without blinking even once about it.  He's not a cheap azz nor does he throw it back in your face what he does for you.  HE GIVES YOU ATTENTION.  And as long as he is doing all of that, with that big sinister grin on his face, women will willingly give up the azz. 

Like I did.

(taps finger on desk and thinks to self)

Ah whatever about me anyways...let's just get back to the story. 

So now that I know about these babies are coming, the 411 on the situation is flowing out of him like a waterfall.  And I'm just listening and asking questions, and thinking about blogging about it everytime he starts talking.  He even asked me once, "Are you writing about me or something?"

Gasp! 

"Nah baby.  I'm just asking questions.  I got better shyt to write about."

(Um, no I don't!  Giggle. )

We are talking about two chicks here so lemme start with the one he was most worried about -- Miss New York.  And funny, he wasn't worried about her finding out that he brought another chick over to the US at the same time he was doing her.  Not at all.  It was more about child support.  Having to pay up for putting his d*ck in the wrong place at the wrong time.  He was just talking about it over and over and over.  He was afraid that she would file for child support in the courts, and given what he makes and the required percentage mandated by the state, he was looking at paying $1700 a month.  He said with his expenses it would crush him, and he already had one broke azz Celie at home.  Miss New York wasn't working because she was throwing up every single day and losing weight.  She wouldn't file for public aid because she didn't want to mess things up with the government in case she wanted to sponsor one of her peeps to come from her country.  Apparently she thought that the government would think that she was a lazy bum if she asked for public assistance.  She worries that when she did get on her feet and asked if she could bring one of her peeps over, she thinks that the government would say, "No mama!  You were pregnant and was getting free shyt, so we ain't bringing no one else over here like you to milk us like you did."  So she wouldn't get public aid.  Ok cool.  Now of course all this sounded utterly ridiculous to me and to Shallow Hal, but that's the way she wanted to roll.  That meant Shallow Hal had to start helping her out when she couldn't work anymore because she was preggo with his kid.   On top of the fact that she was getting cranky and blaming him for her condition all during the pregnancy, he started to get scared about giving up $1700 every month to child support.  So everyday, he's talking about how much he is gonna give her to me.   That's all that's on his mind and he is scared to death of child support court.  More about that another time.

Miss New York's condition is getting worse and worse.  Miss Carribean is here but he still has to go to New York to check in her.  But he calls himself "warning" Miss Caribbean before she got here that he won't be home on weekends.

Me:  "How did you just tell her you won't be around on weekends?  So what did she say to that?"

SH:  "What can she say?"

He is so controlling and hates when I say that to him.  But he is.

Things get worse and Miss New York is getting more and more sick, and she is taken to the emergency room a few times.  SH now has to make some trips over there during the week now in addition to the weekend. 

"And what do you say when you leave suddenly like that?"

SH:  "I say I gotta take care of something in New York and I grab my duffle bag and leave."

"That's it?  And what does she say?"

SH:  "She just stands there staring at me and watches me walk out of the door."

"You seriously just say, "I gotta go" and that's it?"

SH:  "Yeah."

"And when do you come back?"

SH:  "The next evening."

"THE NEXT DAY?   So you're spending the night over there?  In the chick's bed?!!!  And ole girl is 7.5 months pregnant too, with a toddler at home, and can't speak a word of English?  And you leaving her by herself in West Hell?"

SH:  (frustrated)  "I'm not driving all the way back home after going over there.  It's too far."

"Soooooo.  IT's still not cool.  Do you at least say when you will be back?"

Sh:  "Not always."

"But that's crazy!  How you gonna sleep over with Miss New York and then not tell the lady at home that you won't be back that night."

SH:  "She will figure out that I'm not coming back when she sees that I'm bringing an overnight bag with me."

"You have got to be kidding?  Is that how she gets informed?  Through visual f*ckin' props?  So by just seeing you pack this damn duffle bag that's how you tell her?  And then you just leave?"

SH:  "Yeah."

(what a chicken!)

"Um, eventually you gonna have to tell her why you're leaving out like that.  I can't imagine anyone that will keep letting that fly."

SH:  "Yeah, I know.  I gotta tell this girl."

And it really seemed like he wanted to honestly.  I could see it in his face.  He had to.  Shyt was getting crazy because Miss New York was about to pop at any minute.  Lucky for him too, because she was due in the same month as Miss Caribbean at first.  So instead of the SAME month he would have had two kids being born, it will go to like within 45 days of each other now.

I guess that is a little better and less scandalous right???  That's sad to even have to look at it like that.

More later.