Friday, January 20, 2012

Interview with a Dog: Part Two - "The Situation"

"My situation is complicated.”
After I saw the baby crib in his room, Shallow Hal started to come over to my place instead.  I guess he didn’t want me asking anything else huh?  But he didn’t have to do all that because I didn’t think too much more about it after that honestly.  I was getting attention and the d*ck I wanted so I was like whatever. 
“My situation is complicated.”
Even though I had let it go, Shallow Hal was saying this more and more now in our communication with each other.  But each time I would ask what the situation was, he would just say “Don’t worry about it” or “I don’t feel like getting into it.”
Ok muthafucca.
The less I know the better I always say.  So I didn’t push the issue or keep asking him about anything about that damn baby crib I saw.   I just decide to enjoy his company and leave it that.  I needed him for pleasure purposes and not stress anyway, and I wasn’t gonna stress myself over some other chick or his kid.  I was just going to enjoy my time, because in the back of my mind something was telling me that my days were numbered anyway.
“My situation is complicated.”
Here we go again.  He keeps saying this over the next week so, and I feel he is getting close to talking.  I ask.  He clams up.  At first I was interested in knowing, but after a couple times of this I’m starting not to give a f*ck.  I mean really.  Spill it damn it!  Quit coming to the diving board if you ain’t ready to jump yet.
So one Sunday he is at my crib and we are just chatting about whatever. 
“My situation is complicated.”  Now I can see the strain in his face when he says it.  
“What is so complicated?  You wanna tell me about it?” 
SH:  “No.”
Me:  “Ok then.”  I go back in the kitchen and continue dealing with my chicken tacos.
I bring the food in the living room, and then we chat about random stuff.  Then all of a sudden he asks me, “Have you wondered why I haven’t invited you to my house lately?”
Me: “Nah not really.”  And I hadn’t wondered about it.  It wasn’t like I had asked to go over there recently so why would I.
Still I could see something in his face.  He wanted to me to figure it out.  So I looked into his face and searched for the answer.  I thought about the baby crib again.  I thought about this 15 month old kid coming from his country and who the baby must have been coming here with.  I hadn’t even run that part through my mind yet.  Damn I’m dense sometimes.  Then I thought about why he said he had to go to New York every weekend to visit his girlfriend too.
Then it came to me.
“Is the girl in New York pregnant?”
(Silence.  Ok that answers the New York question.)
“Is your kid here from your country?”
“Is his mother here too?”
Again, in my mind’s eye I see that crib in his bedroom.
“Is she pregnant too?”
I just stared in disbelief.  Two women pregnant at the same time?  I start to do the math. 
“When is the girl in New York having her baby?”
“And when is the girl in your house having her baby?”

Oh well, so much for doing the math.  There was nothing to calculate here at all. 

“Are you serious?  Both these chicks are due in the same month?”

Shallow Hal just sat silent with this stupid look on his face.
But it probably wasn't more stupid looking than the expression on my face I bet. 

For a few seconds I was silent too.  I thought I could only hear this type of drama on The Maury Show, but never did I think I would have a dude in that kind of mess sitting right here in my damn living room! 
Am I dreaming?  This is a 43 year old man who has two chicks pregnant at the same time.  I know he said he wanted kids but dayum.  Why was he so reckless with it?  And then he went international lover with it too because one was in another country and the other one was here in the U.S.
Then to make matters worse, he is on an online dating site looking for more azz just three months ago.  (Insert my pic here)

Why me?  Arrgghhhhh!
But suprisingly I don’t get mad.  Honestly, I didn't feel mad or pissed.  I kept my cool and just wanted to understand how a man like him could get in this situation.   His explanation was that he sexed New York right before he went on vacation to his country to visit his kid.  (Funny though, he has been dating the chick three years and had a kid while kicking it with her and she didn't know shyt about it.) Then he got it in with Miss Caribbean before returning home.  Bam.  She's knocked up a second time.
SH:" Miss Caribbean called me up so happy.  Then a few days later New York tells me she is pregnant too."
Me:  “Dude, you gonna have to let me go then.”  I said as I gripped my pillow and looked down to the floor.
SH: “I understand if you don’t want to see me again.”
I had no response because I was still taking it all in.  He can't handle three women in two states and three babies.  I guess that six figure salary wasn't gonna be so wonderful after all this news. 

Eyes still fixated to the floor, I asked him again what was he gonna do.  He tells me that neither of the chicks knew about each other (of course).  One lives out on Long Island, and one lives in Jersey with him!  And their toddler.  He didn't know what to do or how to tell either one of them. 
Crazy.  Just crazy.  I ask a few more questions and get a little background. 

Miss Caribbean is 32 years old.  Doesn’t speak English.  Never worked or earned money.  Has some school beyond high school.  He got her here on a spouse visa in which by 90 days he is supposed to marry her so she can stay here.
“Damn she must be superfine for you to be doing all this for her!"

“Believe it or not she’s not that fine.  I am doing this for my kids, not for her.", he calmly said.

"So you getting married?”
"I ain’t getting married either.  I just feel some kind of loyalty to her because she is the mother of my first kid.  That's it."
“Does she think you’re gonna marry her though?”
“Of course she does.”
“Then how is she gonna stay in the U.S. if you don’t marry her?”
“As long as she is on a visa I don't give a f*ck, but I ain’t getting married.”
Wow what an azz.
Then his phone starts ringing.  It’s Miss Caribbean.  I don’t understand what he is saying because he is talking in his language.  When he hangs up he tells me that she was asking how to use the stove.   Apparently, in her country, she never saw a stove or used one before.  He said she is from the country.  Like so fuggin’ country that she sometimes had to take a bath outside and has no electricity when it turns dark outside.  She called because she wanted to cook and needed to know how to turn the stove on.
Say what?  Hold up. 
You are a six figure VP with a college degree.  And you’re with this gal?  And you say she is not that fine?  Then why in the world did you hook up with a chick like this and bring her here?
“Because I turned 40 and wanted kids really bad.  It was planned though.  I knew her already from years ago.”
Yeah right.  After some days I come to find out that story was some bullshyt.  He couldn't keep the lie straight.  “Planned” my azz.  Yeah he knew of her, and she graduated to becoming his vacation jumpoff the last few times he came to his country recently.  So it wasn’t no damn ‘planning’ with that shyt.   People kill me trying to make pregnancy accidents sound like some movie romance shyt.  He was f*cking her and just decided to splash off instead of pulling out.  That is about the extent of that so called ‘planning’.  He was having a moment about his desire to have kids and just rolled with this chick cuz she was there.   His desire to be a pappy clouded his common sense apparently.  Ok so you really want a kid, but why knock up an uneducated chick in another country?  Then you can’t even see the kid because you live here in the U.S.?  Huh?  And you trying to be a dad?  All of it makes ZERO sense.
Then he goes back and impregnates her a second time because he wanted two kids, not just one.
But now he will have three.  A bonus kid coming in the same month.
Now as for the chick in New York getting her pregnant was a mistake, if you wanna call it that.  He says he didn’t think she could get pregnant because he had been sexing her for years and she never got pregnant.  He didn’t think she could get pregnant.
But wait, there was this one time…when she miscarried.
Sigh.  Ok So why in the fck would you think she couldn’t get pregnant sir?  If she did get pregnant once before.  You sound like a 15 year old.  For real.
(As I type it's just too much to think about.  I’m gonna have to end this soon for today.  Whew.  )
I get a little background on New York.  She is 36 and is also from his country (hmmmm interesting).  She has been here for a few years and has her citizenship, can speak English, and can even work a stove.  He met her here in the U.S when she was waitressing at a restaurant.  She became his side chick when he was breaking up with his fiancee.  Then he goes on to say the chick in New York ain’t worked in six months because she has been throwing up every single day of her pregnancy.  Every single day.   Losing weight.  Can’t eat.  Can’t work.  No money.  No unemployment.  Wouldn’t  file for public assistance for whatever crazy reason she had on top of that.  So now he has TWO BROKE CHICKS to cover for?  One that can’t speak English or work, and the other that can’t work because she is sick with your baby inside of her.   
"So what are you gonna do?", I ask again.

He talks more and more.  And I sit there and listen to this crazy azz story while he is sitting on my couch, in his damn underwear.  Freshly f*cked.  By me.  Is this a dream?
Then my mind wanders.  How in the world is he gonna work full time, run over to New York to check in on sick Preggo #1, leave Preggo #2 at his house with a toddler alone and she fresh off the boat?  And try to keep me around too?  And when these babies come?  What is he gonna do then?  Better yet, what am I gonna do????????????????
He was right.  It was a situation.  A real f*cked up situation.   And by telling me about it I get sucked up in it.  NOTE TO SELF:  The less you know the better.  I f*cked up and forgot that critical rule.  It's like watching a reality show.  Once you start, you can't stop.
And the story didn't stop  there.  Days and weeks pass and I hear more and more about the madness, and I get more and more sucked in to the vortex.  And yet I was still in the picture.  Still f*cking him.

I guess I hung around because it was all too crazy and I wanted to see how the shyt was gonna work out too.  Did I have to screw him to find this out?  No.  But he is just so charming that I...I...gave in.

Through Facebook, a bracelet, and his cell phone his sharade would finally come to an end, and eventually the two chicks figure out that something wasn't right in Whoville.

But what was interesting is when New York figured it all out, what she did in my opinion,

was un-fuggin’-believable.
Ok I'm spent.  I'll come back to this later.  I need a drink.


  1. DAMMIT!! You can't be endin' sh*t on cliffhangers like that!!!!

    That man has BALLS. I don't know what else to say about a dude his age knockin' up chicks like that AND holding down another one on the side. He's gotta have a mind like a steel trap to keep it all figured out and organized..

  2. **what!!!!** Hurry up and finish this... @Laki- either he is good like that, or they are just stupid! I'm bettin' on stupid!

  3. In this instance, I appreciate the cliffhanger b/c I'm out.fuggin.done.

    SH is too old for this shit. AND if you're lying to convince yourself that what you are saying is true, then please keep your lies straight.

    @sassyme - my vote is stupid! LOL

  4. Hey ladies. Thanks for commenting. I know I'm gonna get a lot of flack for this. But I'm putting it out there so it is what it is. I guess y'all can call me stupid too! :)

  5. W-o-w. I am stunned.

    Has SH ever had sex ed? Have these ladies ever heard of contraception? It's not like this is the 1800s anymore when this stuff wasn't available. I just can't believe he knocked up 2 woman like that.

    I have to give him kudos though because aqs reckless as this is, it at least sounds like he cares about these kids and wants to stay in their lives. A lot of men would have outdone Usain Bolt and been halfway around the globe by now if they got news like that.

    I honestly can't wait to hear part II. I know it's real people's lives we're talking about here, but I can't lie, I am intrigued.

  6. WOW!! That ish is way beyond complicated. I'm lmao reading this, not at you but at the situation. You must be a glutton for punishment for sticking around dude. You living your life unapologetically...I aint mad at ya. Hurry up and tell us what's next.

  7. No judgement here girl. I find myself reading because I feel a lot like you do at times. Thanks for putting your life out there!

  8. As a male, im here like naw say it aint so....

  9. Sipping on my drank as I read this. Girl i'm captivated by the story. You need to get your butt out of there but I do want to know what happens next.

    I never have understood men doing stupid stuff with women who aren't about much. It's like what they say about cheating, if you're goingto cheat, cheat up! LOL

  10. Helluva cliffhanger! And helluva idiot too! Just when I think guys are advancing, somebody goes and pulls this sh*t! But you need to inform us on the next chapter!

  11. WOW! I'm stunned! But yeah finish this ASAP!

  12. Oh, SNAP!!! I need to know what happened next!!!!

  13. OMG Is this dude Haitian? He has to be!!