I really thought that I was having a breakdown.
I wanted to tell the therapist how I was feeling, but if you say too much they will put you in a mental hospital for evaluation. I don't want that at all. So unless I really, really mean it, and I tell her because I secretly want her to prevent me from doing something bad, I ain't saying shyt. We did chat a little bit about what I thought my life was about though, but strangely she changed the subject. Instead she jumped to asking was I still seeing Shallow Hal. I guess she wanted to get an update too? :/ She does tell me that all of it sounds like a soap area so maybe she wanted to hear the latest installment? Or....maybe she thought he was the reason why I had that breakdown over the weekend. But I can honestly say nah on that. He wasn't the problem. He didn't even cross my mind during those shitty moments. Although I still I wasn't quite sure why I continued to correspond with Shallow Hal. She and I do need to get into that eventually. Next time I guess. If I think about it.
I'm getting off the track here.
Anyway so where was I?
I couldn't help but to wonder about her. It all sounded so bad. I’m sure the night she cried in that bathroom she wondered how maybe she should have asked more questions. That she should have tried to learn more about the man who she only spoke to on the phone and saw a few times a year. Did she now just realize that just because she had his first son and was carrying his second, that it didn't ensure that he would be faithful to her when he came back to the USA?
I can only imagine what she thought about locked in that bathroom that night she learned about his newborn baby. I bet she felt sick. She was in a strange place where she doesn’t know the language or the customs. I asked Shallow Hal did she have family here, and don't you know his azz said HE DIDN'T KNOW????!!!!
Like what the f*ck mane? You impregante this chick twice and bring her here and don't know if she has peeps here or not. Wow.
I just had to ask...
"Damn is the p*ssy that good? You don't seem to know shyt about her? Her personality. Nothing."
SH: "I do know her. I met her six years ago. I know who her family is in our country. And as for the sex, she actually made me wait for the p*ssy. She wouldn't f*ck me in our town because once you're labeled a whore you never live it down. She didn't want people to know that she had screwed me and she wouldn't let me touch her. I had to take her to the Dominican Republic and that's when she finally gave me the azz."
Me: "Ok but you still didn't answer the question. Is the p*ssy that good?"
SH: "I mean it's okay. She's kinda boring. She's good with her mouth."
Me: "Well it must have been good for you to impregnate her twice."
SH: "Nah. I just wanted at least two kids and I wanted them with the same woman. That's all it was."
Now to me this sounded real foul. It was like he was saying, "Might as well plant another seed with her since I got one already?" Who wants a man to knock you up twice with that kind of mindset? I guess people think like that when it comes to wanting more than one kid. I dunno.
Still though I felt kinda bad for her. This woman held out on the azz and thought she had done everything right. And I bet that fool told her that he loved her and made her fall even harder. She probably needed to hear that before graduating to unprotected sex with him. I guess going to the Dominican Republic made it more beautiful and real to her? Yeah ok. I bet as soon as they entered that room and they put their bags down he f*cked her. I know he did. There was no romantic dinner or a walk on the beach before making love in the twilight of the Dominican sunset. He f*cked her IMMEDIATELY, the same way he would have in her village. Doggy style. Standing up. Azz facing him while he said, "You made me wait for this, huh. You made me wait." So sorry Miss C, you still got f*cked, it was just in a different place. I guess it was mostly about people knowing about it with her.
It just goes to show you that their are no rules about how long you wait to sex a dude. None. I don't give a f*ck what Steve Harvey says in that book. It ain't no guarantee that he will appreciate you more or think you're the bomb or do right by you. It's all a dice roll. The way I see it, making a dude wait only makes YOU feel aiight with giving up the sex. And ain't nothing wrong with that. But I can't see where it MAKES a man do anything after y'all hook up???? That's where I think people get it mixed up. You can't make a man do shyt he don't wanna do, although I'm sure there are exceptions. :)
With no family here, I guess it's safe to assume that she expected Shallow Hal to be her family. He was gonna be her end all and be all. You can never do that --- let someone be your world because when they let you down, you fall hard. Real hard. I assume she probably felt alone as hell now, but from where she sat was a lot better than where she was sitting a few months ago. Hell, in her country she probably would be considered lucky even if she was the companion of a cheating muthafucca. She had one baby by an American and was due to have another. He had been sending her money and basically supporting her as she cared for their child. How great was that? She had positioned herself well I guess, but with that ‘position’ came envy from the other women in their town (or so her paranoid, voodoo thinking self told SH). She never let the child out of her sight out of fear that he would be kidnapped or that someone would put a spell on him.
When she got pregnant a second time, Shallow Hal told her that he would bring her here and I bet that she felt like the luckiest woman in the world. I bet she thought, “Wow, this man really loves me. I made him wait. I had his baby. Now I get to live a better life." I’m sure her family and friends told her that too, “You’re a lucky woman!”, and right before their eyes she probably became more beautiful and smart to them. Shallow Hal was her prince and she was the princess being taken far away from the poverty that surrounded her. It all sounded very Cinderella-ish. A real life Coming to America story.
Did Cinderella feel so lucky now? She sees that things weren’t gonna be quite the fairytale that she thought it would be. The prince had another life. I know she had to ask herself, “How could I be so dumb to think that this man was faithful to me?”
Yeah girl. Join the club.
But on the real, part of that Cinderella story would ring to be true. Shallow Hal did need her --- to stay home and raise the kids that he felt he needed to have because he turned 40. He needed her to clean and cook. He don't wanna change diapers; he needs her to do that. He needed somebody around for some regular azz when he felt the urge, or when he didn’t feel like driving to his sidepiece’s house. And even though he said she was ‘not that fine’, she was good enough. Sweet enough. Timid enough to take his shyt because he was providing everything to her. And because he was the main provider, Shallow Hal believed he gets a pass to do whatever he wants.
I started to refer to her as Celie. Shallow Hal didn't like that. He said that she made him happy and he liked having her around. His family was 'fun.' He told me that all the time. But that didn't stop me from calling it as I saw it though. Now that I think about it, Mister in The Color Purple liked having Celie around too -- once he got used to her azz. Shallow Hal only saw part of the movie so he probably doesn't know what I meant anyway. He probably didn't want to watch it because it reminded him of his azz too much. I mean who hasn't seen The Color Purple at least four times???
Hmmm, maybe he didn't like me trying to say he was like Mister in the movie. I mean he is not violent or anything, but he is not a very good listener. He will bark at you too. If his mind is made up about something, that's pretty much it. So Miss C kept her mouth shut probably, because that clock was ticking on that damn spouse visa. She needed to stay below the radar until she knew what Shallow Hal was gonna do with her. He said he was honest and always told her that he didn't want to get married. I believe that's true. I think that maybe she was just hoping that he just might change his mind though. If she came over here and was the bomb azz chick how could he not marry her? If she cooked and cleaned and sexed him even with that big 8 month preggo belly (which she did), showed him what a good woman that she was, and entertained him....he might just change his mind. I'm sure as hell she thought that. What woman wouldn't? She was carrying his second kid and he whisked her away like a princess to his castle. If he did alla that, of course that meant that he loved her right?
Wrong. It wasn't about love. Shallow Hal ain't trying to pay child support. He will take care of you, but he don't wanna pay what a court would tell him to pay. On top of that, Miss C ain't never worked in her life. I don't know what she knows how to do except raise kids. If he married her and divorced, he would surely be paying spousal support on top of child support. He knows that with his cheatin' ways, he didn't want to take the risk of that happening. So Miss C was just gonna stay in limbo with her status here...at least for now.
Shallow Hal doesn't respond.
"Why would you throw the L-word around if you didn't mean it anyway?"
SH: "But you love me don't you?"
SH: "She just kept nagging me about going to New York. I told her, "Look, I ain't married to you. When your visa expires you can go back home."
(Dayum. I wasn't even the girl and that hit me like a ton of bricks)
Me: "You did? And what did she say?"
SH: "She stood there and started crying."
Me: "Wow that's pretty mean <Hal>. Wow."