Interview with a Dog: Part VIII - Too Much To Take

“Mind trips are not what I wanted outta this.  Shyt was getting to my head now, and I knew then that I had to get off the rollercoaster. 
That's when Shallow Hal reveals something to me that even I couldn't take...”

I wrote that back in April.   Wow.

It’s been a minute since I wrote about Shallow Hall, Miss New York, and Miss C.   Months have passed and the summer has come and gone, but with the heat came a little clarity for me on some things.  I guess I’m good enough now (whatever that means) with coming back and resuming the Shallow Hal posts.   It is a lot to catch up on, so like before I have to write it in bits and pieces.  I hate that I waited so long to write because when things happen I say, “Yeah I’m gonna blog about that.”  And then I don’t.  Then I end up mad at myself that I’m not blogging because I find that when I do it clears my mind a little bit.  Besides, there are lots of things going on besides Shallow Hal and his shyt!!!  He ain't the star of this damn blog.  I have some good azz stories to write about starring MY DAMN SELF anyways okay?  Don’t need his azz to make an interesting story to write on my blog.  I'm interesting all on my own!  :)

But I will give him and his drama the stage again, because over the past few days I wondered about what he brings to my life.  

He’s a male chauvinist, and he admits to that. 

He is a dog, and he admits to that. 

He is a cheater, and he admits to that too. 

And when you combine all of this with a pocket full of money you have a real live Stevie from Love and Hip Hop on your hands.  In fact, when I watch the show (yeah I admit I watch it), I can’t help but to compare Stevie to Shallow Hal because they both are.................

RATS!!!!

Both are men who are dealing with two women, and the only reason why he wants them to get along is mainly for his selfish benefit.  How would SH benefit?  Well according to him, his dream would be that Miss New York would come and live with him and Miss C out in PA.  This way he can stop giving Miss New York the $800 per month; Miss New York can go and work because she speaks English; and Miss C would stay home and take care of the two kids he has with her, and the kid he has with Miss New York.   He has jokingly even spoken to Miss New York about this scenario too, especially whenever she complains that she has to work every day and Miss C doesn’t.  Of course she gets mad when he brings it up, but he says he will keep trying. 

Me:  “And if she does agree to come.  How do you think Miss C will take it?”

SH: “I don’t care.  Right now Miss C is in the better situation of the two in my mind.  I would just tell her she’s moving in and that’s it.  What can she do?”

And the man is dead serious.  He really wants them all to live together.  Every time he tells me about this pipe dream I really think that this man is crazy.  I really do.  But I know he is gonna try to sell it to Miss New York hoping that she will soften up and give in.  He already figured that he wouldn’t get anymore azz from either one of them if he got them to move into the house together, but I guess he will just get back on BPM and find someone like he did me.  

(shrugs shoulders)

So back to Love and Hip Hop.

I was watching the show this past week, and Stevie came in a therapy session with a shirt that had the words “I AM GOD” blazoned across it in big gold letters.   I instantly thought of Shallow Hal.

I think Shallow Hal thinks that about himself also…that he is God to women (or at least to Miss C anyway.)   I even remember him telling me how he told Miss C that he was God once.  It was when he first showed her the new house that he bought out in PA.   As she looked around the place, she was just awed and amazed at the size of her new home.  She happily said, “Oh I am soooo grateful to God for what he has done for me.  Look at this house.  God is doing so many great things for me.”

But Shallow Hal didn’t like that she said that.  “Well I must be the God you’re talking about because I’m the one that made this shyt happen.”

He shut her down on who to give credit to real fast.  How dare she thank God?!!!!  After spending $30K on a down payment Hal wasn't letting NOBODAAAYYY take credit for shyt!  I was like damn Hal, can she have her little spiritual moment?  Sheesh.  I always tell him that he seems like he is controlling, but he always tries to make me sound like a nut.  His idea of controlling men is those who stalk women or stop women from going where they want.   He always screams, “That ain’t me!!!”  Ok so he ain't a stalker, but no matter how many times I try to explain to this fool that he is controlling in other ways he doesn’t listen.  I told him that in that he deliberately found a chick who was helpless without him, forced this situation down her throat with this other chick and his other baby, and because she ain’t got no family here – she’s stuck.  He just runs all over her and goes f*cks his other woman every weekend, and leaves her by herself 80 miles away all alone with two little kids.  She can’t speak English.  She can’t drive nowhere.  She can’t do nothing but walk to the park and to the local grocery store and strip mall.  He's controlling if you ask me.

The thought of it all makes me....Grrrr....

Ok, I’m getting off track.  Let me rewind before this starts getting too long.

Aiight, so as I last I left it, I said that Shallow Hal revealed something to me that even I couldn’t take.  It happened on a day he asked me to meet him for a drink after work.  I suspected that he was doing it because things between us where starting to fade, mainly because the babies were here and he couldn’t keep the two baby mommas and me happy too.  Plus the situation was sounding so messed up that I was finding myself getting turned off.  He wasn’t looking that good to me anymore either, and the compliments he gave me I just felt were lines.  I just wasn't feeling him like I used to.  So I guess this was his attempt to make a little time for me.  When I meet him of course he starts with his regular sugary shit…

“Oh you look so good!”

“Oh you’re so pretty I bet all the dudes were checking for you today.”

I just rolled my eyes and said, “Whatever” in my head.  It’s the same shyt (or similar shyt) he always says, and I’m sure he says the same things to his other two gals too.  I wasn't moved by his words at all.

As we are walking  to the bar, he starts to tell me about his oldest son who was about 15 months old at the time.

“Guess what he did the other day!”  He yelled.

He  said he was in the waiting room at the doctor with his son and Miss C.  When little man spotted another little girl toddler across the way, he stopped dead in his tracks and stared her down.  Then little man just walked up to her, and without a sound got in her face like he was about to kiss her.  Hal said he had this look on his face like he was gonna tongue little momma down right then and there.  SH said that he quickly grabbed him by the back of his shirt and dragged him back over to where they were sitting.  "Hey kid!  What the hell are you doing??!!!"  I looked at Hal, and he had a look of amazement in his face.  I guess it was the same look any parent would have after they see their little kid doing something that looks too mature for their age.  After he finished the story I faked a chuckle and said, “Oh well he is being just like his father. “ 

I shut it down.   I didn't wanna hear anymore.  Hal still had this baffled look on his face about what his kid did, but to be honest I wasn’t interested in the story.  I guess I wasn’t in the mood for hearing about toddlers being fresh.  Or maybe it was because it was HIS TODDLER and I thought that he was breeding another Hal.  I don’t know what it was, but something just wasn’t sitting with me right after hearing that story.  Instead I changed the subject because I was feeling bothered for some reason.

But that was nothing compared to what Hal told me next.

Shallow Hal and I are sitting in the bar.  He spits out a few more “You look so good” remarks (yawn), compliments me on my outfit, and we chit chat about various topics.  We didn’t have a lot of time to meet because he had to get back to PA, so I get right to the juicy stuff.  I just wanna hear about his tryst primarily.  I ask him what the latest news with them was, but he tells me that he doesn’t want to talk about them that night.  No matter how much I asked, he wouldn’t budge and wouldn't give up any info.  F*cker.  Okay then.

Instead he wants to talk about his kid.   He confesses that he really only cares about the oldest boy, and that he doesn’t think much about the newborn at all.  He also was annoyed that the oldest kid is sleeping in the bed with him and Miss C.  Hal said he couldn’t get any sleep because the kid sleeps wildly and was kicking him in the head in the middle of the night.  LOL.  He had been trying to get Miss C to have him sleep in the crib from when they first got here from their country, but when the kid starts crying she gives in and brings him in the bed.  After months of that routine the kid wasn’t trying to hear nothing about that crib.  Even if they do get him to start off sleeping in the crib, he will get up in the middle of the night and crawl back into bed with them.   Right on top of Shallow Hal’s square shaped head.  LOL.  Then all of a sudden Hal is reminded of something, and a smile comes across his face.  The convo switches lanes and he starts to tell me another story,

“You know that kid is funny.”  (laughs)  “You know he tried to pull me off of her a few times?”

“What do you mean?  Pull you off of her?”

“You know, when we be f*cking,  he grabs my leg and tries to pull me off of her.”

I gasp. 

“What? Are you having sex in front of him?”

He calmly says, “Of course I am.”  He takes a sip of his rum and coke.

“You shouldn’t be having sex in front of a child!  Are you serious?!!!”

“Well when am I supposed to do it?”

“When the kid goes to sleep!”

Shallow Hal waves me off with his hand.  “ I’m not waiting for him to go to sleep.  That kid doesn’t go to sleep until after 11pm and I have to go to work in the morning.  I'm not waiting up that late.”

“Then put him to bed earlier then!  You can’t be having sex in front of your kid!  He learns from what you do!  No wonder he stepped to that other kid like he was gonna take her down in that doctor’s office.  He is watching your big azz f*ck right in front of him.”

My eyes widen and I feel my face getting hot.  Shallow Hal looks at me and he can see that I am annoyed.  He seems to think about it for a couple of seconds, but he just blows me off again.

“It’s not a big deal and I am not waiting for him to go to sleep!” 

His voice is getting louder but I don’t care.  I’m not letting up on this, and to be honest, I couldn’t believe I was even having this f*ckin’ conversation anyway.  I got a grown azz, Wall Street professional sitting in front of me, wearing a nice suit, telling me that he f*cks his woman in front of his 15 month old son.  Like an animal.  We go back and forth about it for a couple of minutes, but I can see that he doesn’t wanna listen. 

“Hey if I want some azz I’m getting it.  I ain’t waiting on the kid to go to sleep.  He don’t even pay attention to us like that anymore anyway.  That was only twice he tried to pull me off of her.”

"It shouldn't have been even once!" 

I wanted to puke.

“Ok.  Then do what you want.  But when that kid goes to day care and preschool and starts humping on the little girls then you will wonder where it gets if from.”

Silence.  SH seems to be thinking again, but you can never tell with that muthafucca.  When he switches the topic to something else, I knew he wasn't listening to me.   Typical Hal.  We chatted for maybe another 10 or 15 minutes but the tone of evening had really shifted to the left after that convo.  I was done.  He dropped me off at my train, and as I walked to it, my mind was racing.   I couldn’t believe that he actually thinks that it is okay to have sex in front of a kid.  To me, that’s like sitting a toddler in front of porno movie instead of cartoons.  The thought of it was too much for me to take.  I had never heard no shyt like that in my life.  Now I have read about people being caught when the kid walked in on them, but I never heard anyone initiating sex while the kid was in the same room looking?!!!  That's just not cool to me.

When I stepped out of his car I knew.  It was over for me.  I was done with him on an intimate level.  I mean the other stuff was pretty bad that I knew about and had participated in, but this sex in front of the kid thing ---- I couldn’t stomach that.  In my head I questioned Miss C too.  I asked myself how a mother would think that is okay?  I mean is it okay?  Am I being uptight?  I know the kid is little and probably won’t remember stuff, but you never know!  Kids imitate their parents.  What if he slips up one day and blurts out something in day care about “mommy and daddy on top of each other and my mommy makes noises”.   I could be over exaggerating and making something out of nothing, but my gut tells me that this is just straight foul.   It bothered me so much that I went and looked it up on the web, and I even asked a male friend about it who is also from their country.  He said that this woman‘s first priority is to please her man.   Whatever.  He didn’t agree with what they were doing, but he said honestly the woman should be the one stopping that more than the man.  I disagreed.  Hal is the most educated of the two of them and should know better as far as I am concerned.  But again, this is Shallow Hal.  When it comes to getting azz, there ain’t no rules but his.

The subject was dropped for a while, but a few months later Shallow Hal is telling me about his asshole friend (that’s for another blog because I actually went out with asshole last week; now I know why he and Hal are friends.  Ugh.)  His friend was dating some chick that was 20 years younger than him, and he was bitching because her 2 year old wouldn’t go to sleep and it was preventing him from getting his azz.  He had to wait until one in the morning sometimes and he had to go to work.  The things men complain about.  LOL.  Then Hal blurts out..

“I told him ‘Hey, I f*ck in front of my kids.  I don’t give a f*ck.  If I want some azz I’m getting it and I ain't waiting until my kid goes to sleep.'"

I could feel my body stiffen as I held the phone.  Is this moron bragging about this this dumb shyt?   TO OTHER PEOPLE????  He kept on talking about whatever, but I couldn’t hear anything else.  I had to stop him.   I asked him how did his friend respond to that confession.  Hal said he didn't.  Then I told him don’t tell another soul that he has sex in front of his small babies.  I said that all someone has to do is overhear him saying that and child care services could be called.  And you and Miss Caribbean will be in some deep shyt.  ESPECIALLY HER....WITH AN EXPIRED VISA.

And when I said that, he listened.  After I put it that way, and that Miss C could be deported over that shyt because in his state it is considered CHILD ABUSE to have sex in front of a child, he agreed that he shouldn’t talk about that with others anymore.  I finally got thru to that rock head for once.  But the problem isn't really solved.  At best he probably won’t tell anyone else, but I don’t think he will stop f*cking in front of his babies  though.  Getting azz is way too important for him.  I told him that he was the poster child for "How Not to Raise a Kid."  I just feel he doesn't take in interest in the upbringing of kids.  All he talks about is buying clothes for them.  To me, he just wants to play with them, and he doesn't give a shyt about their development and learning.  I emailed him once and wrote, "I bet there ain't one kid video in that house.  Not one book.  Nothing."  I was getting on him because I knew he wasn't thinking about it.  The kid does nothing but grunt and point and he is almost two.  He didn't reply to that email.  Because I was right.  On the real, Hal just wanted kids.  He wants someone to call him Daddy.  The rest of it he ain't worried about.  But then again how could he?  He got two chicks he gotta serve dyck to and pay for so they won't get mad at his dumb azz.  Apparently he can't focus on too much else.

Anyway, that little story marked the end of me of Hal on an intimate tip.  I never f*cked him again after that.  I was disgusted and turned off from him.  I kept imagining his d*ck out, drinking straight from his Bacardi Rum bottle, and getting Miss C from behind with his kid sitting in the midst.  (shivers)  It bothered me so much that I even told the therapist.  I always said he talked too much, and this time he said too much.  I didn't get loud with him though.  You can't do that with Hal.  He doesn't handle emotions too well.  I never told him that I stopped f*cking him because of this thing with his kid.  When he asked I would just say, "You don't have time for me."  And I left it at that.

I didn't hate the dude, so I became the "friend without benefits" because I still wanted to find out how he was gonna work this shyt out with these two women and two babies who were 1.5 months apart in age.  Even though I had checked out on the intimate tip, my mind was still stirring about the rest of it.  I was drawn to the story.  By this time, Miss C’s visa expired, he wasn't marrying her, and she started saying things to him that were clearly suicidal.  What he was telling me got worse and worse; to the point that he was scared to leave her alone with the kids.

And it was then that I decided to make a move.   A big move.  I just hoped and hoped that I could pull it off....