"I Don't Want A Black Chick"

I don't know why, but I feel as if I were punched in the stomach for some reason.

I was exchanging text messages with someone that I was diggin' a lil' bit, and he says,

"...my mind is made up about it...don't get me wrong...I love my Black sistas, but I don't see myself long with one because I've been with Black ladies and it didn't last."

But hey, I likey him!  LOL

I guess it is not like I haven't heard this before in a general sense, but for someone who I am diggin' to tell me that directly was a real punch to my gut.

So I take this to mean that because I am Black I ain't gotta chance with dude.  Forget who I am as an individual huh?  Wow.

Dude says he likes Asian chicks.  A White guy in my office says he can't close a deal with a White girl so he too wants an Asian chick.  Ok can someone explain this shyt to me?  Whassup with these damn Asian chicks anyways?  Is the coochie betta?  Do they just run behind men and speak only when spoken to?  Are they smarter or dumber?  WHAT?

*scratching my head*

I don't know but it makes me wonder.  I mean I can move on from this dude, but from that comment?  It may take a couple of minutes.  Mind tripping to experience someone writing you off because of your race, and it is even more mind tripping when that person is the same as me.  I mean date whoever you want, but dayum.  This sista already has it hard enough and I really didn't need to hear that right now.  Sigh.

Ok, so he wasn't THAT into me, and maybe he was making excuses, but nevertheless the statement threw me back a little bit.

Anyway...I'm gonna have me a Bloody Mary tonight and start packing my crap.  I'm moving on Valentine's Day.  It should take my mind off the holiday so not a bad plan.

Day 114: Match.com and Being a Cougar

I must confess.  I think I like younger guys a lil too much.  And I don't know if that's good for my plan to "Meet A Man With Money in His Hand". 

I was at the gym about a month ago and this personal trainer comes up to me and starts chatting.  He actually didn't say much and was about to walk away, but I kept him talking to me by asking questions about the machines.  Of course I knew that his goal was to try to get me to sign up for training sessions, but I went ahead and talked to him about my workouts anyway.  I knew damn well that I didn't want to sign up for any training sessions, because long ago I had resolved not to pay for a trainer until I got over my addiction to nachos and salsa (and that ain't happening anytime soon).  So I was already poised to say no to training with him.

But then...

I detected a little Carribean accent.  "Bahamas." He tells me.

Then I saw the outline of his chiseled chest and shoulders from underneath his black personal trainer T-shirt.  Sexy. Sexy. Sexy.  We kept talking and yeah, things were starting to get real interesting to me.  The cougar was now out of her cage and she was HUNGRY.

He says to me, "Come here, let me show you something." 

I wanted to scream, "Ooh, what baby?  What you wanna show me?  WHAT!!!?" 

He took me to the treadmill.  Boo.  Oh well.  LOL.

He had me do a little run/sprint thing for a few minutes.  He was saying things like, "Good.  That's what I'm talking about."  "Looking good.  Looking good."  Each time he spoke my mind was turning to mush.  By the end of it, I was panting and trying not to look at him because I swear he was looking more and more tasty with every breath I took.  But I gave in.  I was like, "Yum!  Sign me up."  And I did!!! OMG.  I'm broke as hell but signed up for these training sessions with this man.  I was truly buggin, but I figured what the hell.  I wasn't paying my rent this month anyway and I got some extra cash so why not???!!!  Hee hee.  Let my dumb ass landlord finance my cougarisms this month.  Mothafucca. :-)

But this money was of course an investment, because I was on a mission.  In four training sessions or less I needed get this brutha.  With a little lip gloss and a few snug tank tops I got him in two sessions.  Twenty-eight years old and choco Caribbean fine and all over me!  Ooh I'm getting worked up just typing about it! Whew (throwing my head back)!  Can't get much betta than that right?  He is kinda reserved so I had to work at it, but I like 'em when they are a little shy/nerdy.   That's fire!!

So mission accomplished.  The other two were bonus sessions as far as I was concerned.  In fact I saw him today when I went to the gym at lunch time.  Man, I wish we could have gone in the Massage Room there for some afternoon delight but oh well.  We have kicked it a few times and I'm sure we will kick it again.  This is my fourth or fifth young buck.  I think I'm gonna call this one 'Hot Chocolate" though.  I hope to be getting more 'cups' in the near future. 

Day 107: Being a Beotch

Wow.  I haven't been on here in a month and so much has been happening.  It's been kinda hard to focus because I have been getting hit with something all the time.  But I'm here today.  Day 107.

But before I talk about my 'stuff', first let me talk about the tragedy in Haiti.  I sit here nightly and watch the news reports and my heart hurts!  Last night I saw a news report where a young boy was hit in the head with a rock and his face was covered in blood.  On a good note though I also watched an amazing telethon on Larry King Live where people like Diddy, J Lo, Paula Abdul, Russell Simmons, Snoop, Danny Glover, Will I Am, and other celeb white people that I didn't know (LOL) manned the phones and took people's donations.  They raised 5 million dollars for Haiti in two hours!  AMAZING!

After seeing all that happened there, I was reminded of how I used to always volunteer and help others.   In the past I worked in a soup kitchen, tutored kids and adults, sorted clothes for the needy, worked with at-risk youth, etc.  From like 22 years old, I was volunteering for things that I would see listed in the newspaper (this was before the internet came along) and just show up.  My first real volunteer experience was tutoring a guy that was the same age as me, 22 years old, but he could only read at a first grade level..  He had a high school diploma and everything and he didn't know the sounds of letters.  I worked with him for about a year or so.   It was definitely an eye opener about the school system for me.  He told me how he got around driving without reading, how he ordered food and pretended to read menus, how he filled out job applications.  It was really something to hear how he got around in his life.

I used to just do these things because I liked to, and then it happened - MY BUSINESS.  But even with having the business I still managed to do a little something for others.  I started 'free Saturdays' where the disadvantaged kids could come in an use the computers and play games that we would normally would charge them for.  Even though those kids were pains in my ass many times, they were happy to be there, and it was cool to see them doing something other than hanging in the street.  My customers also loved to see that I was doing that too.  It was cool.

So since the disaster in Haiti I had ask myself, "What happened chick?  Where did your heart go?" I have to be honest and say that I had no idea how things really were in Haiti.  None.  One of my ex-boyfriends is Haitian-American but he never really talked about the country.  But I also noticed something other than the destruction as I watched the news reports - there were lots of people there already in Haiti on humanitarian efforts, but few of them seemed to be Black.  I wonder did anyone else notice that?  Hmmmm. 

White people were in Haiti from all over, churches and colleges and such, but where were we?  It made me think about how we really don't look out for each other as a people.  For real.  The Haitian orphans that are being adopted arrived at the airports and guess who were greeting them -- white people.  It was kinda mind tripping.  Years ago I had considered going into the Peace Corps but I chose to do Americorps and stay local.  I have thought about it again recently though.  I'm telling you, if I don't get my old business open or my new business off the ground in the next couple of years...I'm just might get rid of everything and do some type of humanitarian work full time.  I go to work everyday, and when I ride on that slave ship I feel that a part of my mind whittles away.  A voluntary slave - a slave to bills, rent, car note, credit cards.  I sit on the bus and try hard to read to stimulate my mind and I can't.  I try to plan my day and I can't even focus for five minutes.  So if I ever do the humanitarian I will really be a broke ass woman for real (LOL), but my legacy CANNOT be just working for someone else all my life.  Even if I just do foster care it'll be something.  I know it may sound sappy and looney but on Day 107, this is how I'm feeling.

Moving on...

So my bankruptcy case is filed, and I have to go to court next week to meet the attorney for the 'other side.'  This attorney represents the creditors, and I got a letter from them today and I had to take deep breaths before I could even open it!  My hands were trembling.  When I go to court, I know my heart is gonna be pounding so hard that I won't be able to speak.  If I say the wrong thing or talk too much the attorney said that I could screw myself.  This whole thing is so nerve wrecking! Ugh!  I slipped up and showed a co-worker something and it mentioned that I had filed bankruptcy.  Shyt!  Dumb ass me.  So now he knows, and he says he won't say anything but I don't know if that's true.  If he does, he does.  It's my own stupid fault though so there's nothing to say on that.