Wednesday, November 17, 2010

Day #418: Ten Confessions

When I woke up this morning I was actually feeling allright.  I am supposed to be going to pitch my business to a developer tonight and then I was gonna hit up karaoke at the bar after that.  I was feeling pretty good and woke up ready to hustle.

But when I got to work I just felt sick in my stomach.  I felt lost and confused. 

I feel like I'm keeping a secret and I think I just need to confess to it.

I feel like I wanna die. 

Last week I imagined that I drove to the George Washington Bridge and jumped from it.  Sometimes I sit in my running car in the garage and think about closing the door.  Sometimes I stand at the subway platform and imagine stepping in front of the train.  On my birthday I stood in my room in the dark and just kept repeating over and over how sad I was that day.  Over and over and over.  Sad because that man didn't call me to say happy birthday.  So stupid of me.

"Take a good look at my face,
You see my smile looks out of place,
Come a bit closer it's easy to trace,
The tracks of my tears."

People ask me how was my birthday and I just lie and change the subject.  I hadn't felt that way in a long time and it sucked azz.  I went to bartend and wore the sexiest dress just to get some attention.  And when I got it all I did was blow them off.

Sometimes I hate being me.  I think the REAL reason that I don't have kids because I don't want anyone to look like me.  If my kid can't be guaranteed to be beautiful or handsome then why make it hard on them and bring them here?  I have been pregnant four times.  One I miscarried, the other three were _____________.  I know I might get roasted for revealing that.  Oh well.

If I had a baby then I would have a reason to stay here I guess?  I probably would never go thru with the thoughts that I have sometimes.  If I tell the therapist then she might have me sent to the hospital.  You have to be careful what you tell them.  I mentioned something once and she said to call her if I ever felt like doing something though.  I think she senses that I get very sad sometimes.

So today I have decided to confess to a few things, in the hopes of feeling liberated in some sort of way. 

  1. I had sex with a married man.  Why?  Who the f*ck knows.  He had a smelly d*ck anyway.
  2. I have had sex with guys who had girlfriends.
  3. I feel suicidal sometimes.
  4. I feel like I don't want to see my family as much.
  5. I stare at other women.  Not like I want them, but if they are pretty I stare at them.  I guess I am thinking about how easy she has it or how the dudes love her because she has those boobs or that azz or that face or hair. 
  6. When I see a man or a group of men standing on the street; I cross the street.  It's silly and I know this, but I do this to protect myself.  If they don't speak then I won't be thinking, "Why they didn't speak to me?  I'm not good looking enough?"  But if they do speak, I get uncomfortable and kinda don't believe they are being sincere.  So to avoid those thoughts altogether...I just cross the street.  Sometimes I suck it up and just do it and pass them and not cross the street.  But the real question is why do I even care about these fools and them speaking in the first place?!!!!!   
  7. I avoid eye contact with men.  I don't look at them in the face very often.   Eyes are windows to the soul and I don't want them to get a sense of mine I guess.
  8. I don't remember guys names very well even after screwing them.  I'll ask to see their driver's license as a joke or something days later when in reality I am really trying to find out what their name is.  I do that A LOT.
  9. I don't take compliments well at all.  People were mean to me when I was little girl and in my first year in high school.  In Chicago, light skinned chicks with long hair got all the attention at my high school it seemed.  I had such a bad complex.  Really bad.  I used to sit on the bus with my face hidden in my coat because I didn't want people to look at me.  Kids used to make jokes about my full lips and hair.  Now my post about 'whipping out my hair' makes more sense right?  So now when people compliment me it's hard to believe them.  I guess when I got older things started to look better, because when I went to my high school reunion all these great things were said.  Now full lips are in style I guess?  Who the f*ck knows.  But still, I never really got over all of that stuff ya know. 
  10. Finally, I think I will be by myself forever.  An Old Maid like my tired looking cousin Delores  (sorry but it's true).  Love is something you hear about in songs and watch in movies.  It seems like a fantasy - like winning the lottery.  It's like it's a million to one chance that you will ever truly find it.
I know this is a somber post and I am not looking for sympathy or 'be strong' responses (if I get any responses lol).  Don't need anyone to diagnose me because I have a therapist for that!  I'm on it.  Someone might even use what I wrote against me to make me feel worse than I already do (it happened before on this blog).  But I just feel weird today.  Yeah the dude triggered some of it, but this life is just getting to me.  I gotta keep asking myself why am I here?  Would it matter if I wasn't? 

Aiight...back to work.  The air is clear.


  1. I won't tell you to be strong, because hell, its HARD being a woman. I get to feeling like that sometimes. Sad.. sorry for myself, wondering why this and that. Then I remember that life is for living and when you've completed your purpose in life then God will decide its time to dim the lights, not you.

    I don't take compliments well either, but I'm trying to get into the habit of simply saying 'thank you'. Try it, gurl! lol

  2. Hi Sha Boogie,

    Yep I am trying to just say 'thank you.'

    I'm like 60% there on that one.

  3. Welcome to the human race or your acknowledgment of its condition. As I told you before the reason I read your stuff and think you have something to say is your vulnerability. Maybe there are folks out there that don't feel down and out about something or other at times but I seriously question their honesty or their depth. We all do stuff that we know better then to do; how you choose to move forward is the only real question that matters. Imagine what it must be like to not have a job or any hope of getting one. At the very least you can retire to your place until the sadness eases up.
    What works for me is to just remember that tomorrow is another day and what can I do to makes this thing work. Hey who knows tomorrow you could hit the Mega - stranger things have happened! -jb

  4. "tomorrow is another day and what can I do to make this thing work"

    Yep. I agree. Sad feelings and happy feelings...they come and they go. I have had these thoughts for years to be honest. Years. I'm still here though. Grinding. Pushing. For why I sometimes don't really know. LOL.

    I do play the lottery a lot more these days, especially when I knew I had to close the business. I guess it's a glimmer of hope that I share with about 65 million other people that play the Mega. Fat chance though. I don't have luck like that but I still play.

    Thanks for your insight as always jb and sticking with me this long. Big hug to ya! I'll be aiight. I'm gonna do this business pitch later and then maybe sing a carefully selected karaoke song which will basically say 'f*ck you muthafucca'. After that, I'll go home and then wake up for another day of my mental heaven and hell.

  5. I have my BLAH days too and it's usually triggered by some emotional experience. It doesn't happen too often but when it does, I feel entitled to have one of those moments. For what its worth, I don't judge you because of your confessions b/c I have some of the ones you've mentioned.

    2. I had sex with a guy once who had a girlfriend.

    4. I haven't seen my dad in 5 years and his mom in 10 years. Don't get me started on my family.

    7. I avoid eye contact with men b/c I flirt with my eyes. If I like a guy, I'll flash the "come phuck me" look...LOL

    9. I don't take compliments well either because my dad HATED dark skinned women...Long story but I channeled that into something positive because I truly love the skin I'm in. I just don't know what to say though when someone pays me a compliment.

    10. Sometimes I feel like I am going to be alone too. I would like to get married again but if it doesn't happen, I keep telling myself I'm okay with it.

    Whew! You are not alone either girl! Take care.

  6. I read your post and my heart goes out to you. I appreciate your honesty. I like your blog because you keep it so real! You express things that even I am afraid to express. I'm going through somethings myself and it changes from day to day. I hold onto that God grants us brand new mercies everyday! I'm praying for you right now that God does something AMAZING in your life. I hope you think of my comment as empathy.

    AND - I wish a fool would come up in here talking trash about what you just wrote! It will be on and poppin! Believe that!

  7. We all have our emo days (and blog posts) every now and again. Hell, I have several a month. I have definitely had the "Why am I here?" thought more than a few times. That's kind of the point that I'm at right now. But I suppose no matter how cynical and down in the dumps I get, I still have this tiny, minute piece of hope that things will actually start looking up. I don't know, I'm not trying to give you advice or anything...just wanted to say I feel you.

  8. stay up ma! theres always light after the storm

  9. I'm commenting again because I find this is very relevant and self affirming. We all die alone but for some reason, myself included, do we think that we are the only ones that go through tough stuff. I've been hurt so deeply by folks I love that i didn't need to kill myself because I thought my heart would explode. And I'm not even talking about a woman I loved. The same vessel that contains your sorrow also contains your love. Meaning to hurt deeply enables you to love just as deep. How many times when at wits end or down to your last buck have some "miracle" happened. Once I didn't have gas money to drive home from work and by a stroke of luck I go into the parking lot and find a 20 dollar bill. You just keep being true and karma happens. -jb

  10. Aw thanks everyone for commenting. I really didn't expect this many.

    Oh and thanks Jetaime for joining me in the confession thang. I appreciate that.

    Thanks jb for coming back again and giving more insight to me.

    And thanks to UglyCleanBroke and GorgeousPuddin and my 'anonymous' that commented too.

    Every single one of you said things that resonated with me. It gave me a lot of different ways to think about things. It wasn't just about the guy though, but about my business, my credit situation which hinders me from doing things now, etc. The bankruptcy is a double edged sword, it freed me from the business debt but it also put a roadblock in front me which is something that I haven't had in a long time. I didn't have BAD CREDIT - I had too much debt.

    But like someone says, you just have those days. I just have them a lot lately. LOL. Nevertheless, I get up everyday and do my thing.

    Please let something good happen soon! :)

  11. Sounds like you have low self esteem, do anything 4 attention i.g. #1-4,6,7,9 on tha list & you are very judgemental. Most importantly you dont kno your selfworth. If you find that you can become the WOMAN that you kno can be. BTW Like the blog, you sound like a real sweet person & honest. Honest people are the most beautiful people to me.

  12. I'm thinking I'm gonna take a break from dudes and dating for a lil bit.

  13. Took 30 mins of my time and wrote out a long essay.....didn't feel like being judged so I cut it but I would be happy to share it with YOU personally....Just know you are not alone! And a lot of ppl feel this same way. Stay strong!

  14. ^^^

    Yeah I know what you mean about that fear of being judged when you post stuff out here! Sometimes my heart beats sooo fast when I get a reply, especially from this post. It can be nerve wrecking. I know everyone that reads what I wrote will not agree or have problems with what I said, but it's the truth. I'm not bragging about anything I have done or thought about doing, I'm just speaking about how I feel. That's not a crime right???!!!

    But for sure you can email me thru my web page link in my profile. You know I just have those moments, and it's always nice when someone takes time to send me an encouraging word.

  15. Ok I think I managed to message's coming from a Tiffany so look out ofr it. Hope you get it

  16. Yep I did. I'll hit you up on the email after I read it. Thanks!


  17. This was my first time reading your blog, and even though I'm only 17, I can really relate to what you said...
    Thank you for sharing this, because I thought I was the only one feeling this way. It made me feel a bit better to read this post and know that I wasn't alone.

  18. Hi kr!

    Sorry for the delay. At any age feeling down is hard. When I read your comment a tear came to my eye because I remember 17. I remember high school and feeling awkward as a freshman. But the cure for that was to go to a college where not ONE SOUL from my high school went to. No baggage to carry. No one to remind me of the high school experience. It was the best decision I made in my life.

    If my post helped you to feel better then that makes ME feel better. If it helped you feel not alone then it helped ME not feel alone. We have to hold each other up.

    I hope you come back!

  19. This post is soo on point with what I'm feeling. I can confess the all same shit too. I got a feeling I'm going to be alone too...trying to keep that hope alive, but things ain't looking bright lol.

  20. Dayum now I know I shoulda started from the end and made it to the beginning...we all have days like this...I would confess some of my things (and eventually I will)but I just wanna say this the -- I'm glad I found your blog...I am going thru some issues and I hope you continue to write...I didn't think I would even like to read other ppl's blogs but I just love to read and real life is just as good as any other...I read all of NC-17's + comments and I'm working my way through yours :) I like to learn about other woman and their struggles even though we may not have a lot in common...(ok maybe we have more than I think)..I just wish more woman would care enough to speak to women and not be on that catty bs that keeps us from genuinely caring about each other...I am sooooooo tired of the catty bs u shared a lot if ya ever wanna hear my story or know ur not alone...I'm here thanks for putting urself out there though fa real....u have another fan :)Keep being true to you and you can be happy...!! LOL that this post has to be approved....

  21. Thanks for being so open in this blog. Either I or someone I am close to have dealt with the things in your confession even the ones you mentioned in the text. No one is at a place where they can judge. I know this entry is old but I felt compelled to comment.