Day #418: Ten Confessions

When I woke up this morning I was actually feeling allright.  I am supposed to be going to pitch my business to a developer tonight and then I was gonna hit up karaoke at the bar after that.  I was feeling pretty good and woke up ready to hustle.

But when I got to work I just felt sick in my stomach.  I felt lost and confused. 

I feel like I'm keeping a secret and I think I just need to confess to it.

I feel like I wanna die. 

Last week I imagined that I drove to the George Washington Bridge and jumped from it.  Sometimes I sit in my running car in the garage and think about closing the door.  Sometimes I stand at the subway platform and imagine stepping in front of the train.  On my birthday I stood in my room in the dark and just kept repeating over and over how sad I was that day.  Over and over and over.  Sad because that man didn't call me to say happy birthday.  So stupid of me.

"Take a good look at my face,
You see my smile looks out of place,
Come a bit closer it's easy to trace,
The tracks of my tears."

People ask me how was my birthday and I just lie and change the subject.  I hadn't felt that way in a long time and it sucked azz.  I went to bartend and wore the sexiest dress just to get some attention.  And when I got it all I did was blow them off.

Sometimes I hate being me.  I think the REAL reason that I don't have kids because I don't want anyone to look like me.  If my kid can't be guaranteed to be beautiful or handsome then why make it hard on them and bring them here?  I have been pregnant four times.  One I miscarried, the other three were _____________.  I know I might get roasted for revealing that.  Oh well.

If I had a baby then I would have a reason to stay here I guess?  I probably would never go thru with the thoughts that I have sometimes.  If I tell the therapist then she might have me sent to the hospital.  You have to be careful what you tell them.  I mentioned something once and she said to call her if I ever felt like doing something though.  I think she senses that I get very sad sometimes.

So today I have decided to confess to a few things, in the hopes of feeling liberated in some sort of way. 

TEN CONFESSIONS

1. I had sex with a married man.  Why?  Who the f*ck knows.  He had a smelly d*ck anyway.
2. I have had sex with guys who had girlfriends.
3. I feel suicidal sometimes.
4. I feel like I don't want to see my family as much.
5. I stare at other women.  Not like I want them, but if they are pretty I stare at them.  I guess I am thinking about how easy she has it or how the dudes love her because she has those boobs or that azz or that face or hair. 
6. When I see a man or a group of men standing on the street; I cross the street.  It's silly and I know this, but I do this to protect myself.  If they don't speak then I won't be thinking, "Why they didn't speak to me?  I'm not good looking enough?"  But if they do speak, I get uncomfortable and kinda don't believe they are being sincere.  So to avoid those thoughts altogether...I just cross the street.  Sometimes I suck it up and just do it and pass them and not cross the street.  But the real question is why do I even care about these fools and them speaking in the first place?!!!!!   
7. I avoid eye contact with men.  I don't look at them in the face very often.   Eyes are windows to the soul and I don't want them to get a sense of mine I guess.
8. I don't remember guys names very well even after screwing them.  I'll ask to see their driver's license as a joke or something days later when in reality I am really trying to find out what their name is.  I do that A LOT.
9. I don't take compliments well at all.  People were mean to me when I was little girl and in my first year in high school.  In Chicago, light skinned chicks with long hair got all the attention at my high school it seemed.  I had such a bad complex.  Really bad.  I used to sit on the bus with my face hidden in my coat because I didn't want people to look at me.  Kids used to make jokes about my full lips and hair.  Now my post about 'whipping out my hair' makes more sense right?  So now when people compliment me it's hard to believe them.  I guess when I got older things started to look better, because when I went to my high school reunion all these great things were said.  Now full lips are in style I guess?  Who the f*ck knows.  But still, I never really got over all of that stuff ya know. 
10. Finally, I think I will be by myself forever.  An Old Maid like my tired looking cousin Delores  (sorry but it's true).  Love is something you hear about in songs and watch in movies.  It seems like a fantasy - like winning the lottery.  It's like it's a million to one chance that you will ever truly find it.

I know this is a somber post and I am not looking for sympathy or 'be strong' responses (if I get any responses lol).  Don't need anyone to diagnose me because I have a therapist for that!  I'm on it.  Someone might even use what I wrote against me to make me feel worse than I already do (it happened before on this blog).  But I just feel weird today.  Yeah the dude triggered some of it, but this life is just getting to me.  I gotta keep asking myself why am I here?  Would it matter if I wasn't? 

Aiight...back to work.  The air is clear.