Was It Destiny? - Part II

Saw the Tin Man...again.  Yep.  The second time in two weeks.  For weeks I wouldn't see his azz when I wanted to, and now that I don't want to there he is.  What the hell is going on?

I was coming out of the subway and he walked past me.  Because he was staring at his phone (as usual), he didn't see me at first.  Before I could talk myself out of it I poked him on the arm.

"Unbelievable."

He turns to look back at me. 

I say it again, "Unbelievable that I'm seeing you again."

He walks back towards me.  His demeanor wasn't all smiley faced like it was when I saw him last week though.  "Well I do work around here, what's so unbelievable?"

Asshole reply.  Well hey I hang out around there too so what?  I don't see the same people when I pass by there.   STFU.  Wanna be a bitch today?

This time it was different.  No hug or kiss like he usually gives.  He was a statue.  Ice cold in the 95 degree heat.  It was awkward.  Very awkward.

We chat a little.  He compliments me on my hair and my lip gloss.  He asks about my new place, etc.  Then he asks where I am going.  I point to the bar where the Tenderoni is waiting for me (oh I forgot to mention that the Tenderoni asked me to meet him at that bar where I was going.)

"I'll walk you over there."

A little voice in my head said, "Uh oh.  Bad idea."  But I didn't listen. 

So we walk and get in front of the bar, and just as we approach...the Tenderoni walks out and looks dead at me and Tin Man walking up.

"Shit."  I said to myself. 

I don't think Tin Man was looking though, but I held my finger up to indicate to Tenderoni to give me a few minutes.  He says nothing and does not stop.  He leaves the bar and continues to walk down the street.

But I stay there and talk to Tin Man anyway?  Something cemented me to that spot and I couldn't move.  I didn't care that Tenderoni had been waiting on me for twenty minutes either.  I didn't care if he left.  Bad I know.

So we chat some more.  Just small talk.  Tin Man was acting weird.  He was oozing with that, "I don't care vibe"  too.  So when I peeped that I asked if I was keeping him from something  and he said no.  Cool...then his demeanor changed slightly.  We talked about little things like my bartending and my car, but he continued to act weird by making faces and dropping hints about how he is always solo and doing his own thing and alla that.  Like he is just having a ball right now in his life.

Mmmm....ok.  Well what did it look like I was doing last week when you saw me?  And now Mr. Tin Man?  One monkey don't stop no show for me.  It never has.

I made a mistake though.  He said he was going to the movies and with a big cheesy smile I asked if he had a date.  Ugh.  Why did I do that?  Anyhow he said no, and reaffirmed how he is by himself 99% of the time.  Whateverreeeeee....

Anyways the convo wasn't bad and things were getting more comfortable between us.  But I couldn't stand there long because Tenderoni was still waiting...I think.  After about five minutes I had to part ways.  I just needed to make sure I said it first.  The departure was abrupt and awkward, but I couldn't focus on it at the moment.  I was feeling guilty about Tenderoni.  I desperately start looking for him.  He didn't pick up the phone after I called it twice.  I stood there shaking my head and then I sent him a text asking if he was mad at me.

"I'm here."

Whew.  Good.  So I went back into the bar and he met me in there.  We went out and had kind of nice time.  He CLAIMS he wasn't mad about me talking to Tin Man, but moreso about me being late.  Oh well.  Shyt I am always late and I told him that.  But whatever, on the surface he seemed to get past it but I honestly I don't think so.  In fact he brought it up yesterday on the phone.  He thought I was playing him because he is young.  Nah, I told him.  For the greater good of everyone, it was good that I stopped to talk.  LOL.  Yeah that's bullshyt right?  I know.  The therapist hinted at that being foul too, but it's too late now.  All I can do is apologize and that's that.

But as for these two chance meetings with Tin Man...I NEVER happened upon him anywhere, and now I see him two weeks in a row?  If I had known that all I needed to do was go to The Village to catch him I would have been doing that when things were cool.  So I have to believe that we crossed paths for a reason, and especially this second time because I actually got to talk to him. 

And that talk, as short as it was, was very enlightening.  Once I got settled with Tenderoni and had a chance to think I said to myself...I THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE, BUT HE'S NOT.  He's really not.  

Thank the lawd.  After nine months the fever has finally broken.

I think that is why he was put in my path again?  I'll admit that this past weekend I was tripping and remembering him and wishing things weren't the way they were.  The universe heard me and said, "Ok we gotta put a stop to this shyt."  So he was dropped in my path again, and it was for me to really take a good look at him again.

And what did I see?  I saw that...

• He just wasn't that cute anymore.  Body is banging but he just wasn't that fine anymore for some reason.  I had given him a pass on his nose and teeth but I just seemed to notice them more as I stood there.  The rose colored glasses transformed into regular sunglasses as I stood there looking at him.
• He acts weird and says weird stuff.  
• He says crazy things as if to self sabotage himself.  "Yep, I drink everyday."  "Yep 99% of the time I'm by myself."  And he has lied about stuff and I caught him in the lie.
• The urge was gone.  I used to just pounce on him and kiss and hug him, but nothing made me want to do that anymore. 
• Talking to him is a struggle.  Guys who think they are 'smarter than the average bear' are forever trying to analyze your statements and minimize your thoughts.
• He is mad defensive and attacks you.  Because I said it was unbelievable that I saw him again and I had this look of "WTF" on my face,  he shoots back with that "Well I work around here so what's so unbelievable about it".  Bullshyt.  This is NYC and there are mad people here.  I go over there all the time and NEVER see the same people every time I am over there.  There were 100 people watching a basketball game on the street corner and another 50 or so coming out of the subway.  But I see your azz?  It is unbelievable muthafucca and I don't care what you say.
• He tries sooo hard to put on this "I am The Lone Wolf Show", where he says these little things to make it clear that he will be obligated to no one.  Last time we spoke he yelled, "No one is gonna tell me how to life my life!"  I don't know where that came from, but that statement was very telling to me.  It told me that he might feel that a female will consume him and that he can't be his own man if he bends for a woman.  He looks at relationships and closeness as a burden and full of obligation, instead of thinking how a woman can enhance or add to his life.  He claims that he won't make promises, and now I see why.  He doesn't want to have to live up to the promise.  That is too much of a commitment, even something as simple as him saying that he will take you out.  No matter what he tells you, he has the option to cancel.  And he exercised that option on I don't know how many occassions.
• He might have a personality disorder.  A few months ago I was talking to the therapist and she said that based on the things that he was saying and doing to me.  Standing there in the hot sun listening to all of his "Yeps" and remembering all of the shitty things he did and said to me makes me think that she is right.  She warned me that he was mean, but I didn't listen.

I could go on and on so lemme stop.  I went to the therapist yesterday and talked to her about it.  Again she asked me what was it that was drawing me to him.  And you know, I can't seem to give her a straight answer!!!!  I guess I WANTED him to be the one for me, even though he never did anything to prove that he could be.   I created something in my head I think.  It makes me think that I don't know how to recognize love.   I thought I was in love with a man who had demonstrated more than enough times to me that he wasn't capable of that. 

So yeah, I played myself.

And honestly, I need to be kicked dead in my azz for being such a dum-dum.

Yes I was a fool.  Yes people tried to warn me but I...I don't know why I couldn't see it for myself.

No, I can't believe that I put up with his bullshyt, but I did.

Yes I got caught up. 

Yes I wanted him to be the one. 

No, he never showed me that he could be the one so what the f*ck was I thinking?

Yes I tried to leave him alone several times but for some reason I kept going back.

No he didn't make me feel good and he shyt on me more times than I can count. But he would always come back saying some nicety shyt to get me to move past it.

And finally the answer is yes that I know that he manipulated the fallout between us so that it looks like it's my fault that things are done.  And my reply to that is yes that he is a looney muthafucca for putting that shyt in his mind.  It is ALL HIS FAULT that things are the way they are, but it is my fault that I let him do it. 

The therapist said it simple and plain:

"Men have NO INCENTIVE to change.  They have no reason to because they will always find another woman to put up with their weirdness, vagueness, rigidity, drama, indifference, assholeness, brokeness, meanness, lameness, etc.  So what you see is what you get. He won't change because there will always be another one to take your place."

And she's right.  There is always another one.  Just like me.

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So was it destiny that I saw him again?  Was it fate?

I say yes.  Something in the universe wanted me to snap of out of this shyt for good.  The universe heard me this past weekend, acting all sappy and thinking this brotha was the one for me.  I even said to myself that I was losing my mind.  It was that bad.  The universe heard that and came in and did an intervention to move me past this nonsense. 

And it did.  It's all clear to me now.

As we stood on that NYC street, talking in the hot sun, I realized once and for all why it made sense to rename him from Pretty Brown to the Tin Man.  He has no heart.  He only thinks of himself.  He is mean. 

People say that no matter how fine a person is on the outside, how that person is on the inside can make them the ugliest person on Earth.

(sighing)

And I hate to use the word 'ugly' for a person because I think it's a hurtful word.  But as much as it pains me to write this....

(thinks to self)

The other day, I saw the ugliest man I have ever known in my life.









 

   

Will the real Tin Man please stand up?

Haha.  Might as well get a little laugh out of it if I can right?  If I ever see him again I'm going pull out my phone and look at this picture just to remind me of what's really behind the exterior.

Although I didn't dodge the bullet in time, he was put in my path a second time for reason.  It was for me to see that he is not the beautiful person that I thought could be for me.  And THIS TIME, I really, really, really mean that.

So thank you God.  Thank you universe.

Thank you for rescuing me from this mental hell, and it feels good to finally exhale.