Saw the Tin Man...again. Yep. The second time in two weeks. For weeks I wouldn't see his azz when I wanted to, and now that I don't want to there he is. What the hell is going on?
I made a mistake though. He said he was going to the movies and with a big cheesy smile I asked if he had a date. Ugh. Why did I do that? Anyhow he said no, and reaffirmed how he is by himself 99% of the time. Whateverreeeeee....
Thank the lawd. After nine months the fever has finally broken.
- He just wasn't that cute anymore. Body is banging but he just wasn't that fine anymore for some reason. I had given him a pass on his nose and teeth but I just seemed to notice them more as I stood there. The rose colored glasses transformed into regular sunglasses as I stood there looking at him.
- He acts weird and says weird stuff.
- He says crazy things as if to self sabotage himself. "Yep, I drink everyday." "Yep 99% of the time I'm by myself." And he has lied about stuff and I caught him in the lie.
- The urge was gone. I used to just pounce on him and kiss and hug him, but nothing made me want to do that anymore.
- Talking to him is a struggle. Guys who think they are 'smarter than the average bear' are forever trying to analyze your statements and minimize your thoughts.
- He is mad defensive and attacks you. Because I said it was unbelievable that I saw him again and I had this look of "WTF" on my face, he shoots back with that "Well I work around here so what's so unbelievable about it". Bullshyt. This is NYC and there are mad people here. I go over there all the time and NEVER see the same people every time I am over there. There were 100 people watching a basketball game on the street corner and another 50 or so coming out of the subway. But I see your azz? It is unbelievable muthafucca and I don't care what you say.
- He tries sooo hard to put on this "I am The Lone Wolf Show", where he says these little things to make it clear that he will be obligated to no one. Last time we spoke he yelled, "No one is gonna tell me how to life my life!" I don't know where that came from, but that statement was very telling to me. It told me that he might feel that a female will consume him and that he can't be his own man if he bends for a woman. He looks at relationships and closeness as a burden and full of obligation, instead of thinking how a woman can enhance or add to his life. He claims that he won't make promises, and now I see why. He doesn't want to have to live up to the promise. That is too much of a commitment, even something as simple as him saying that he will take you out. No matter what he tells you, he has the option to cancel. And he exercised that option on I don't know how many occassions.
- He might have a personality disorder. A few months ago I was talking to the therapist and she said that based on the things that he was saying and doing to me. Standing there in the hot sun listening to all of his "Yeps" and remembering all of the shitty things he did and said to me makes me think that she is right. She warned me that he was mean, but I didn't listen.
Yes I wanted him to be the one.
The therapist said it simple and plain:
Haha. Might as well get a little laugh out of it if I can right? If I ever see him again I'm going pull out my phone and look at this picture just to remind me of what's really behind the exterior.
So thank you God. Thank you universe.