Here. We. Go.
I walk over to Tin Man and tap him once on his back. He turns and doesn't seem to recognize me at first (blame it on the new wig with the purple highlights :)). Then in a few seconds he does. We look at each other without saying a word. Then he smiles - in disbelief if you ask me.
He reaches to take off my sunglasses.
"Can I see you later?"
He touches my face and hugs me tightly. "I miss you."
He walks out. I check myself in the mirror, put my sunglasses back on, and walk back to
Hot Chocolate like nothing happened.
What an imagination I have!!!
OK AND NOW WHAT REALLY HAPPENED...
I check myself in the mirror, suck in my gut, and head back to the bar area upstairs. I walk back to the Tin Man. I don't even remember what I said. I just looked at him with my shades on. He was smiling.
"Well I don't want to be rude to my friend. I just wanted to say hi."
"Oh I know you'll have a good time."
(Huh? I don't know why he said that.)
I start to walk away.
"You look great."
I perk up and with a big smile I said, "Thank you! You do too." I squeeze his arm and then walk away. A big nothing of a conversation. I practically ran from him.
After a half hour (?) or so, Tin Man gets up from his seat ready to go. I still have my shades on so I can look at both him and Hot Chocolate without being noticed. He turns towards me, smiles, and waves goodbye.
Hot Chocolate is busy talking, but I return the smile and the wave and quickly looked away. I don't think Hot Chocolate even blinked. He just kept right on talking.
And he was gone.
Hot Chocolate and I stayed awhile. He is so, so fine. Just turned 30 last month too. If only I were Asian...haha. Not. Hot Chocolate liked what he saw so I'm cool with that. He even sent me a text later saying so. Yay! I was proud of myself because I kept the cougar in the cage for the evening. But what's big for me is that I spoke to the man who I thought I could love and who broke my heart. Although I'm still licking my wounds, and it took a lot for me to walk over to him to speak, I'm still a bit sad. I wonder could he sense my sadness? He hurt me so bad. He said some mean things that I can't even repeat on this blog. I had a crazy thought that it might be destiny that I happened upon him in a city of millions. I tried to romanticize this chance meeting and wanted so badly to read more into the meaningless small talk that occurred between us.
But it's dead. Dead. Dead. Dead.
That man ain't thinking about me. And the f*cked up thing is that he says he was sooo busy all the time but yet I find him sitting in a bar doing nothing. Yeah ok.
I didn't know how he would respond to me when I spoke, but I was brave and did it anyway. I'm glad I kept it brief. I think I did that because I was scared. I can't deal with another mean look or comment from this man, so I scurried off like a spider before he could step on my heart.
All the next day I thought about it. All day. Like a looney person.
Then I "did" something the next night. I didn't really want to but I just went ahead and "did it" to see if I could get my mind off it. Dude wanted to be all romantic and kiss but I said no. I told him that I didn't feel like kissing. Truth be told, maybe I would have kissed him if his breath wasn't stinking. LOL. If I told him to freshen up his mouth, and he ran to do it, then I would have to kiss him then, so I just didn't bother saying anything about his tart breath. Afterwards I laid there with his arms around me and wished I could just ask him to leave, but I decided not to be mean (plus the train stopped running so he couln't get back anyway.) Instead I looked at the moonlight peeking through my window blinds, and silently wished that his arms were someone else's arms. This man was talking about being on the beach with me and gazing into my eyes and all kinds of romantic shyt, and I just wasn't there. I was thinking about somebody else. Isn't that terrible?
I wish I never saw him the other day, because I'm making some bullshyt encounter into something bigger than it was. Just like I always do. And I hate it.
I could be like celebrating that he saw me with another fella, but I don't feel like that.
(pounds fist on desk)
I wish I never saw him.
The whole thing is just NUTTY.