Interview with a Dog: Part VI - Sherlock Homegirl

Shallow Hal is making his trips over to New York on the weekends.  Miss New York doesn’t really sweat it at first that he comes only on the weekend because that’s the way it had always been anyways.  She lives kinda far out in New York and he lives and works in Jersey.   He met her when he was hanging out in New York and she was waitressing at some restaurant.  Shallow Hal said the first thing he noticed about her was that she had some ‘really lovely breasts.”  Men are so visual it just ridiculous.  It just goes to show you that men ain’t hardly interested in how smart you are or what you do for a living most times, it’s all about the physical.  At least at first anyway.  Anyhow he told someone to give her his number, she called, and two weeks later  (if that) they were f*cking.  Oh, and of course he wasn't single at the time he met her.  He says that things were falling apart with that one so in his mind it wasn't cheating on his woman.

Hmmm, that's a good question.  Can I pause this to have a Carrie Bradshaw moment?

When you're emotionally done with a relationship and you start dating someone else is it considering cheating or being unfaithful?

I already know Shallow Hal's answer on that question.  

Anyway when Shallow Hal makes his visits, of course Miss Caribbean is calling him about this or that while he is sitting at Miss New York's house.  That's when the ball of yarn starts to unravel.  Seeing that Miss New York knows both English and their language, it becomes hard for him to hide that he is talking to another female in their native tongue.  He has to whisper on the phone or go into another room to talk.  She peeps that and eventually figures out that he is discussing the toddler at home.  New York hears him talk about how he is gonna to pick up this or that on the way home.   To someone.  Eventually she asks him what the whole thing is about.

SH: “I told you that I had a kid, and I told you that my kids were coming here.”

Ok, ok.  So maybe Miss New York knew a little something for the last year, but I guess it was cool as long as the kid was in their country.  It didn't affect her.  But now since the kid was here, and it sounds like the momma is here too, she ain't too happy now.   What angers her the most though was knowing that the woman didn't just get on a plane and come here.  She needed papers to enter this country.  Was Shallow Hal married?  New York always said she wanted to be married and he married somebody else?

Ok granted Shallow Hal might have told New York some things, but he never really TELLS you the full story.  He just hints at shyt and the rest you have to figure out.  You see how the word ‘kid’ went to ‘kids’?  You have to listen to the little nuances when he speaks to you.   Yeah maybe Miss New York knew about a kid.  ONE.  He left out one little detail when talking about the ‘kids’ in that statement above though. What he didn’t say that one wasn’t born yet, and he also didn’t say who the kids were coming with.   Eventually New York would figure it out --- at least part of it anyway.

And this news crushes her.  The man that she had been in a relationship with for almost three years has brought another woman into the country and is supporting her.  Meanwhile Miss New York is unemployed, was sick as hell with his baby inside of her, and only gets to see him on the weekends.  Then he brings another chick over to be with him full time, when she asked could she come live with him after she got pregnant.  And to add insult to injury, the woman is from the same country!!!  That made it even worse.  New York fought for three years trying to be allowed to stay in the United States thru the courts, and all this woman had to do was f*ck and have a baby and she gets brought here by the person she THOUGHT was HER MAN?  So of course she started tripping.  Who wouldn't?

She started sending Shallow Hal texts.  Texts about how she couldn't believe that this was happening to her.  That after all this time he chose to bring another woman here to care for instead of her.   She would say that she was hurt and that she couldn’t believe that she got herself involved with a married man (I guess she figured he was married because how else could he have brought Miss C here).  She would wait until he left her house and was in the car when she would start her text rants though.  In his face and while he was in her presence things were cool; but as soon as he left the texts started flying. 

Me:  "The fact that she now knows that when you leave her, you're on your way HOME TO YOUR FAMILY.  That is killing her.   That's tough for anyone to take, especially someone who just had your baby.  I mean you can be sweet and nice to her all you want for that one weekend day, but when your azz leaves, she can't help to think that you do the same with the other woman.  You messed her head up and she can't handle it."

SH: "I know.  One time I was there and she asked me if I wanted something to eat before I left.  I told her no and that I would eat when I got home.  Not five minutes after I left the house did she text me and say, "Oh now you don't like my food anymore?  The way I cook ain't good enough for you now?"

I had to laugh at that one.  The chick was really going through it.

Once when he took me out for my birthday, we were eating breakfast and the texts started coming.  He showed me one,

“I just can’t stop crying.  You have killed me emotionally so you might as well kill me physically.”

Shallow Hal:  “This is so annoying.”

Me:  "Well that text sounds pretty serious.  She might need to go see somebody.  Why don’t you just talk to her and tell her that you are sorry and that you didn’t mean to hurt her.  That you didn’t intend to get her pregnant, and….”

Then I stopped talking.  I could see that he was half listening.  He was too bothered by the texts. 

Me:  “You say that her texts are annoying, but they make you feel bad don’t they?”

SH:  “Yeah I do feel bad.”

His face is strained. 

Me: “Until she finds someone new the texts probably won’t stop.”

Shallow Hal just gets up and tells me he is going to go and call her.  But he was back in like five minutes?  I didn't ask anything else about it.  I needed a break.  It was my birthday weekend anyways.

Once New York figured it out that Miss C was living with Hal, she transforms into Sherlock Homegirl.  She is paying attention to everything and trying to get info on the woman who Hal chose over her.  And damn this chick is good!  On the real it really wasn't that hard for her because Shallow Hal is so damn sloppy with his shyt.  She just logged into Facebook to find out the first piece of info.  I swear so many people get busted on that damn Facebook it ain't even funny.  Hal has only 32 f*ckin’ friends and the two chicks he was f*ckin’ are his both friends on Facebook!!!  How dumb is that?  So I guess once she saw the name pop up on his phone it wasn’t too hard to figure that shyt out and match the name to the picture.  


SH:  “She sent me Miss C’s picture to my phone and asked, “Do you know who this is?”

To be honest, I never thought to look on Facebook for either one of those chicks myself.  It didn't matter much to me, but once New York checked it out I decided to go look too.  The pic of Miss C is not that great because she is standing at a distance and has shades on.

But for Sherlock Homegirl that pic was better than nothing.  I still think Shallow Hal was a dummy for having both of them as friends on Facebook though. 

Me:  “You have the two women you fkn as your friends on Facebook?  And you over there leaving your phone out and your wallet too?  Wow.  That's crazy."

He said he would change who could see his friends but he forgot his password.  He could keep all these women and babies straight but couldn't remember his password.  In fact four of the chicks he dealt with were part of his 32 f*ckin' friends.  LOL.  I suspect that Shallow Hal told Miss C to change her profile because her pic isn't up there anymore.  It's just a pic of the toddler.  Anyway it was too late, Miss New York had already seen a picture of her competition. 

But her work wasn't quite yet done.  Yeah she knew the woman was here and knew what she looked like, and yeah she was told that Shallow Hal now had 'kids'.  It's just that one of those kids was still in the oven and that's the part that she didn't know. 

As Miss C is getting closer to her due date, she starts having some problems too.  The baby is underweight given the fact that she is eight months pregnant.  She has a doctor's appointment almost every other day, and Shallow Hal can't really spend the night at New York's much now on weekends.  He has to explain this to New York somehow.

SH:  "I told her that my son is in the hospital and that I can't make it."

Well, that wasn't entirely a lie now was it?  His UNBORN son was in the hospital.  Again, Shallow Hal is really good at twisting words around.  You rarely can take what he says at face value.

And you know what New York says to him???

"I'm sorry to hear about your son.  I am going to pray that your son will be okay and that the angels protect him."

How sweet.  I gotta tell ya.  He knows how to pick 'em. 

Funny though when he gets this text, who do you think he was with at that particular moment?

Me.

And what happens next I know is pretty bad.

Shallow Hal and I were together more often around this time.  Miss C was staying in New York for days at a time because she was having doctor appointments like every other day to monitor her unborn child.  The baby was a bit underweight given that she only had a month left to go.  Miss New York's baby was already here, but apparently she was a drag to be around because she had a C-section and was still recovering.  So yeah, he might have been seeing me maybe once or twice a week because these other two were tied up per say.  But I knew the real reason why.  Neither of these two chicks could sex him at the moment.  I figured that in six weeks (or less because I couldn't see SH waiting that long) I wouldn't be gettin' d*ck from him anymore so I had put it in my mind that he and I would be winding down real soon anyway.  Whatever.  At the moment I didn't care to think about it.   

Also another big reason why I was probably seeing him a bit more because Shallow Hal was buying a bigger house.  He wasn't selling his current home and was keeping it, and asked me to help him rent that out.  He offered to pay me a nice piece of change to do it too.  $1000.  I was real cool with that.  So I went to work posting the house, reviewing applications, showing the place, and helping him fix it up.  Funny, he didn't tell either of the two chicks he was planning on moving either.  Not even the one he was living with.  He claimed that he didn't want to tell Miss C until he was sure he was moving.  As for the Miss New York, that one would just get pissed about it.  The idea of him bringing this woman here was eating her alive as it was, and to find out that he was getting a bigger house to accomodate his new family would either crush her or send her into a rage.  And to this day she still don't know that muthfucca has moved.

Nevertheless, he seemed to be handling it all though.  A new preemie over in NY; a preggo chick over in Jersey; buying a new house and then renting the other -- and still finding time to be a dog.  With me.

Now Miss C is getting closer to her due date, but she has to go to the doctor like everyday because the baby is underweight and her belly looks small.  Shallow Hal couldn't make these doctor appointments so he had his cousin who works at the hospital take her over there.  This man always has people that could do shyt for him.  It's amazing.  And his cousin?  Now that's another blog in itself.  How about this fool has 10 kids with eight different chicks, and not one, NOT ONE, has taken him to court for child support?  I guess the dog gene runs in Shallow Hal's family. As for the women?  You guessed it.  Every single one of them is FROM.THE.SAME.COUNTRY.

Unbelievable.  It must be something in the water over there cuz that's fuggin' amazing.

Anyhow, one day Shallow Hal took the day off and went with Miss C to the doctor for a check up.  On the way home the doctor called him and told them to come back to the hospital and when he told Miss C she started crying.  I guess something was up with the tests and they wanted to go ahead and induce labor.  He takes her back to the hospital and sits in there most of the day.  The next morning he goes back and they plan to induce labor, but they tell him that the baby ain't coming that day and to just wait it out.

Instead he leaves.

He comes to the house he is renting and meets me there.  The painter is in the house doing some work, and I wanted to go over some things with Shallow Hal that needed to be fixed in the house so we could get it rented.  We are upstairs in the bathroom checking out some stuff and then...Shallow Hal grabs me.  He is kissing all over me and tugging at my clothes.  I try to push him away and tell him to stop because the guy is downstairs painting.  But it's no use.  He don't care.  And we do it.  In the hallway leading to that bathroom. 

F*ckin' while some strange man is downstairs painting. 

Like it was nothing. 

F*ckin' while Miss C is laying up in the hospital waiting to have his baby.  

Like it was nothing.  

We finish and go right back to talking business about the house. 

Like it was nothing. 

That girl in the hospital wasn't even on his mind.

Hours pass.  Shallow Hal and I are still doing this and that around the house.  He tells me that Miss C had mentioned the other day that they have not bought any baby clothes for the little one that's on the way.   So we ride over to the store and buy some stuff for that kid, the toddler, and for Miss New York's kid.  Big bags of stuff. 

More time passes and now it's getting dark.  He is finally getting ready to head to the hospital which is a good hour away, but he wants to buy some new headphones.  So we stop at another store.  This time Miss C calls before we could get out of the car.  She is speaking in their language and I couldn't undestand, but I'm sure she was asking "Where are you?"

Then I hear her moaning.  It sounds so loud.  Moaning because I guess the contractions are getting more intense after they had been trying to induce labor all day.   Shallow Hal listens and he tells her he is on the way.  He looks concerned but what does he do?  He gets out of the car and goes into the store anyway.  To get those headphones.  While he is walking he says to me, "You know, this my third kid and I'm like over it.  It's like no big deal now."  I guess he meant to say that panicking over this baby coming wasn't something he was gonna do.  He did acknowledge that Miss C sounded pretty bad and that he needed to get over there, but I guess because the doctor's told him that the baby wasn't coming that day he wasn't pressed.  He needed the headphones first.

An hour later the baby comes anyway.  And Shallow Hal hadn't even left yet.  He went back to the house and gave the painter a ride to the train station.

In fact, he wasn't there for the first kid who was born in his country, or for Miss New York's baby a month earlier, or for this second one with Miss C.  Honestly, I don't think he wanted to be in the delivery room  anyway.  Or maybe he was indifferent about it?  He wanted the kids but the process of the being there at the birth was not major on his list.  He just wanted kids and f*ck the rest.  The doctor's visits and alla that other stuff he could do without.  At least that was my impression anyways.....

When I left Shallow Hal it was about 8 or 9 o'clock.  By the time he got to the hospital he said it was after way after midnight.  On the way there his car broke down and by the time he towed it back home, got in his other car and drove back to the hospital, it was damn near 3:30am.   They let him in to see Miss C for a little bit and then he had to leave.  And where did he go to sleep?

At Miss New York's house.

On my way home that night I kept hearing the moaning in my head.  It bothered me.  I asked myself how could I have done that?  F*cked that man while his pregnant girlfriend was in the hospital?   I told the therapist about it.  I don't think she said much but I could see the look in her face that she was like "Damn, girl."  She asked me how I felt.  I told her I felt pretty bad about it.  It was messed up.  Real messed up.  I felt bad for the girl.

The same day the baby was born I texted Shallow Hal and told him to check his wall on Facebook.   I was sure someone was gonna post that his kid was born because he sent out a text blast announcing it (mind you he didn't do that when New York's kid was born though).  I wasn't his friend on Facebook, but Miss New York was.  I told him to check it before she did, because that would be a f*cked up way for her to find out that he had a kid a month and half after hers. 

His response: "I don't know my password."

Again?  Didn't he say that a couple weeks ago after New York ganked Miss C's pic off his page and sent it to him?  Sloppy.  Just sloppy.

Well he should have listened to me, because that Facebook is a muthafucca.  And it didn't take long for Sherlock Homegirl to find out the news.  How?  Because one of his 32 f*ckin' friends reposted some pics of the baby on their Facebook page.

She blows up his phone and starts texting away.  "Oh is that why you brought her here, because she was pregnant?  I was pregnant too!  You lied and told me the child was in the hospital!"

Shallow Hal does not respond at first, but eventually he calls her.  Then Miss New York says something that I never thought she would say....