From the start I knew that Shallow Hal was a dog.
I didn't know the level of "doggacity" he had, but I knew he had it. I knew everything he did. Who he did it with and how he did it. I had full disclosure. Truthfully I could take it or leave it, but I was good with what I had with him at the time. Yeah what he was doing was wrong, and I was just as wrong too. The more I knew, the less of an emotional attachment I had to him and at the moment that was cool. Tin Man had f*cked me up so bad that I refused to get emotionally caught up in another dude. So with Shallow Hal having these chicks, he was not available for me to get caught up. Of course he wanted me to get tangled in his web of sugary bullshyt and have me strung out like Miss C and Miss New York, but it didn’t work. I think the therapist understood it too. She said that as long as I knew what I was dealing with, don’t get caught up and fall for him. And I didn't.
Even though it may not make sense to some (and it doesn't really have to), Shallow Hal was safe. He gave me the attention and the time that I needed; I just didn’t want to be emotionally involved in him or anyone like that. I couldn’t get hurt from his lies because I knew the truth. I knew enough about his shyt that he had to stay somewhat cool with me. Lies are what hurt me before. Love hurt me before. You never know what you will do in the aftermath of being emotionally beat down by a man. Yeah the truth hurts but I’d rather have that than find out later that dude was playing with my emotions. As for listening to him dog other women, yeah it wasn’t easy to always hear. I felt bad for them. I did. But what could I do except refuse to listen to the shyt? That would only put me in the dark and I ain't TRYING to be in the dark with no more dudes. Putting my foot down or getting disgusted with him wouldn’t change this man either. Walking away wouldn't bother him because his azz was still on BlackPeopleMeet. Did his ways turn me off? Yeah it did sometimes. But at this particular time it had not gotten to a point for me to leave him alone yet. I was helping him with renting his house and I wanted my $1000, so I was gonna censor my comments and feelings at least until I got my money. Which I did. I got the place rented about two weeks after he moved out. And during Christmas time, that was a big accomplishment. Even I didn’t think I would pull it off that fast, but I did. And I happily took my check to the bank. Mission accomplished.
Still though, the new love cottage doesn't stop the tension that is starting to build with Miss C. Shallow Hal says that she looks depressed and is losing weight. But it doesn’t stop him from riding out to New York and spending the night with his other woman. Eventually they argue so much that Hal tells Miss C she needs to spend the week with his cousin’s wife in Brooklyn to give them a break. Miss C asked him, "Are you trying to get rid of me?" Of course he was, at least for a little while anyways. She didn’t want to go at first, but I guess she was tired of being in the house alone so eventually she agreed.
I took it as a sign. A sign that this woman was really sad and was looking at the pictures to somehow give her hope those happier times would return. He told me she was very religious and prayed and read the bible a lot. Maybe she was praying over the pictures? Was she doing some voodoo chants? Or was she scattering the pictures around the house so Shallow Hal could be reminded of how HE used to be to her? I dunno and Shallow Hal didn't know either. It was just odd to see that picture in that closet like that. If anything, I finally got to see what she looked like. I thought she would be so drop dead gorgeous given that Hal had brought her here, bought them a big house together, and was providing for her. But nah, she wasn’t gorgeous. He always told me,"She ain't that fine." She was okay looking though. I wasn't gonna hate on her like that, but I did chuckle when he said she wears a 9.5 shoe and was only 5'4" tall. :)
He pulls me towards the bedroom. No, no, no. I tell him that we can’t do it in there. Not on that bed. No, no, no.
Two nights I came....there. Two nights we slept. In that bed. Neither of us giving a shyt.
The day I left I made sure to get all my stuff so that she wouldn't know I had been there, because there was no telling what she would do if she found out. I made sure the picture was back in the same spot in the closet too. I stared at it and asked myself, "Does she really sit in this closet? Does she sit in here looking at this picture?"
Mind trips are not what I wanted outta this. Shyt was getting to my head now, and I knew then that I had to get off the rollercoaster.
That's when Shallow Hal reveals something to me that even I couldn't take...