Cock Blocker?

Aiight so I've been working trying to meet folks on Match and BlackPeopleMeet before the subscription expires in a few days. 

In four days I met three dudes.  Met another two in the weeks prior.  Of those five...I think I may have someone for the d*ck roster, even though that's what I was looking for exactly.  (I gotta get into that on another post.) I had been corresponding with him for about a week or so.  He's an assistant vice president at a major financial services firm. 

(nodding head)

FINALLY!  A man with money in his hand!   I’ve been waiting soooo long to meet someone like this.  Haha.  But it wasn't just about what he did for a living though.  He actually sounded kinda boring, and even though I sensed that he might be arrogant and shallow in some of the things he had said to me, I still decided to go ahead and meet him anyway.  I wanted to meet him because I wanted to see the person behind the cocky messages.  I think he was curious who I was too, because he asked if I was confrontational.  So we both were probably like, “Lemme see who the hell this person is.”  So for now I’m gonna call him Shallow Hal (more on that in another post).

I tell Shallow Hal to meet me in Times Square, but I don't say where we are going.  There was a free movie screening going on with a Meetup group I am a member of.  I was just gonna say, "Come on, let's go', and hope that he would be game for it.  I was testing his level of corniness and spontaneity with that idea. I wait for him, and he's mad late but he calls and tells me so.  Oh well.

A minute later my friend who organized the movie screening calls me and says she is on her way to the theater.  I had kinda forgotten about her.

"Are you gonna meet me there?"

"Sure yeah, I'll be there…with a friend of mine."

"Okay. See you in a little bit."

I hang up the phone and then it dawned on me. 

What the f*ck am I doing?

Rhianna of NYC is on her way.  To meet up with you and your first date with the Vice President.  You know, that pretty chick with red hair and a big ol' double booty who guys stay sweating. 

(insert dumb look here)

Rhianna (spelled wrong purposely) of NYC is what I'm gonna name this missy.  I never made the red hair connection to her and the singer until I started typing this blog today.  I don’t know why hooking up with her didn’t register in my head when I decided to have dude meet me at the movie screening.  No way can I have this chick meet my date when I'm on a Kelly Rowland level in comparison to her.  I mean I was ready to put in work on his optical senses; I wore a sexy dress because I always try to bring my "A" game to a first date.  I was cool.  But when this chick comes on the scene, she can take away your shine pretty damn fast.  She's tall, has a Lena Horne complextion, and red hair that she been rocking looooong before Rhianna even made her first record.  She is quite striking, and I'll give her that.  Normally when I’m with her I don't mind her gettin' mad attention, but today I would mind.  And I didn't want her around.

I had messed up, and being the person that I am I wasn’t gonna cancel meeting her after I already said that I would come.  Damn.

Rhianna makes it to me first.   I thought that was actually a good thing so I can debrief her on the situation.  She comes in doing her Meetup business, but the movie has already started. Then she turns to me and asks me if I am coming inside.  I hesitate.

 "Well my friend hasn't made it yet.  But I'll go on in the theater and when he calls I'll step out."

I follow Rhianna up the stairs.  She has some tight azz jeans on and her booty is just tremendous.  Her red hair is pulled back in a ponytail and her mouth was painted with this bright devil red lipstick.  The girl is a muthafuccin’ light bulb.  While she is chattering away, in my mind I'm like...

"We can't sit with her!  We can't sit with her!  Shyt.  And because she is late and the movie started, she can't hookup with any other the Meetup members now.  She won't find them.  F*ck!!"

We get into the movie theater, and just like a diva she thinks she can get a prime seat when the shyt already started.   It was like she really WAS Rhianna and was causing a disruption as she questioned people in the dark about seats.  Just being annoying.  I tell her I'm going to the other side, and I hope that she will just take the one seat in the area that she wanted to be in.  I start to walk to the other side and look back.  Rhianna does not take the single seat and starts to follow me instead. 

Damn.  Strike one.

I find two seats.  We sit down and I tell her that when my friend comes we will go find two other seats on our own since there weren't enough seats in that row.  She turns and asks the dude next to her if the seat is taken.  "No." He says, and he moves his jacket. 

Now there are three seats. 

Rhianna:  "Good. Your friend will have a seat now."

Me:  "Yeah hooray."

*rolls eyes*

So I try something else.

Me (to Rhianna whispering):  "Well this is my first time meeting him.  It's an online date.  So right after the movie me and him are probably wanna go somewhere okay?"

Rhianna:  "Oh ok." 

That was SUPPOSED to be me letting her know that I wanted to be alone with him.   

I thought it would be that simple, but why did I hear birds chirping as she turned her head back to the movie screen? 

I wasn’t convinced.  So I sit.  Barely concentrating on the movie.  Thinking.  Thinking that I can’t trust that Rhianna understood what I meant.

A minute later, Shallow Hal texts and says he's waiting down the street.  Now it’s time to find out if she would prove me right or wrong.

I find him on the street and Shallow Hal is looking good as hell.  He was looking real yummy with his suit on.  I instantly like what I see. 

“Yeah”, I thought to myself, “I need to be alone with this one right here.”

So we go back in the theatre and all I could think about was being alone with dude.  So I lean over to her and ask what she is doing afterwards.

Rhianna:  “Nothing.  What are you two doing?” 

Me:  “Don’t know yet.  This is the first time I am meeting him so we will probably go somewhere.”

Rhianna:  “Well let me know when the movie is over.”

Noooo!!!  Why should I be letting you know anything when this is over?  That was her cue to say she was gonna do HER.OWN.THING.  But nope.  She just looked back at the screen. 

"Chirp!  Chirp!"  Everyone who spoke in the movie all sounded like birds to me now.  I had officially checked out.

The movie finishes and I introduce them…quickly.  I tell Rhianna that I’m going to the bathroom and she follows me.  She sees someone she knows from the Meetup group so I secretly hope that Rhianna will hook up with her, but by time I come out of the stall the chick is gone.  Oh well.

Now Rhianna is on the phone, taking up space in front of the damn sink  in the crowded bathroom but of course she don’t give a f*ck.  I mouth the words to her that I’m leaving, and she holds up her finger asking me to wait, but I just walk on out and act like I didn’t see the gesture.  I find Shallow Hal and start walking towards the escalators.  I look over my shoulder and there is Rhianna, a few steps behind me still talking on the phone!

Couldn’t shake her in the bathroom either.  Strike two.

So now I see the expression on Hal’s face.  He clearly has the, “What the f*ck is going on here expression.”  And so did I.  Rhianna is just chirping away on the phone.

We – me and Shallow Hal - decide to go to restaurant close by to eat.  Rhianna’s azz is still behind us though, and still talking on the muthafuccin’ phone, and following us to the damn restaurant. 

I look back at her and my eyes were like “WTF are you doing” but she is all in this phone convo, and the birds are chirping even louder now.  I quickly prayed that she would just take her azz on, but she didn’t. 

Instead she walked her whack azz into the restaurant with us.  Strike three.

I wanted to punch her in the face.  But me being Miss Nicety, I just try to manage and tell Shallow Hal that Rhianna is just gonna come with us.  He doesn’t respond.  I figured that I was dead already, so might as well just roll with it at this point.  I was pissed at myself for not telling her – PLAINLY AND CLEARLY – that she needed to bounce.  But I guess I just expected her to do what I would have done in that situation.  Thinking that was my BIGGEST MISTAKE.

So we sit at the table, and I think that I am doomed.  She is just running her mouth and being the focus of attention, with her f*cking red hair and her big azz.  I couldn’t even focus on the menu and just asked for a drink.  I basically was like f*ck it. 

But then the universe came to the rescue, because it took less than one minute for Rhianna to slowly start to reveal the true person behind her physical beauty.  Just when I thought that I had struck out, her baseball game was just beginning.  It was now her turn.  She grabs the bat and takes her first swing:

Rhianna:  “Oh I guess we can’t gossip now because HE’S here.” 

And she said it like he was the one intruding on the situation!  I told her that we could save that for another time, but of course she didn’t listen.  But I shut her down politely by saying TWICE that we would gossip another time.  

Shallow Hal then asked her a question.  When she finished talking, I swear that I saw a bird fly past me.  I didn’t know what the f*ck she said, and the expression on his face told me that he didn’t know what the f*ck she said either.  He looked totally unimpressed, and later he told me that once he heard her answer, he had decided not to ask her anything else.  So Miss America killed herself on the challenge question.  Cool.

Bird  – 0.  Me -1.

Rhianna:  “Why do men think that you’re supposed to cover dinner if they take you out a couple of times already?  Unless you’re my boyfriend or my dad, I’m not paying for anything; I don’t care how many times you take me out.”

This question came from outta NOWHERE okay?  I looked around for the hidden cameras cuz I swear I thought I was on the show Hell Date.  I wonder if she thought she was helping me qualify dude by seeing how he would respond.  I dunno.  All I know is that she was just giving me a damn headache.

Shallow Hal squinted at her curiously, and I think that’s because he saw the gold digger stamp illuminate on her forehead.  They go back and forth on the topic, and she was just killing herself the more and more she stated her position.  I had to look away from her because I was starting to imagine my hands around her friggin' neck.  Thank goodness the food came!    Damn dingbat. 

Bird – 0.  Me – 2.

So after a while I just accepted the fact that I had messed up and just joined in the banter going on at the table.  I had enough of her chirping and controlling every damn thing.  And of course the more I spoke, the more I saw him looking at me and less at her.  And the look on his face was good.   I smiled, and I actually started to feel a little better.  I just rolled with the situation.  The damage was already done.

Thankfully, we get ready to leave.  As we get ready to start to get up, I ask him where he parked.

Rhianna jumps in.  “Oh you parked over there?  Then you can take me to my car.”

She didn’t ask.  She told him he could take her to her car.

I put my face in my hands and shook my head.  Homie just walked away. 

You don’t even know this dude, so how you gonna ask MY ACQUAINTANCE for a fuggin’ ride?  But she did.  Unbelievably clueless.

And that move right there, asking for a damn ride, signaled that the game was over for her azz.  She was done.

Bird – 0.  Me – 3.

But was I done too?  Probably so.

We went to the bathroom and then she proceeded to try to give her assessment of him to me, when I didn’t ask her damn opinion on a muthafuccin’ thing.  Grrrrr….I wanted to dunk her head in the damn toilet.  I just wanted to get rid of her azz, and I practically ran outta that bathroom even though she was still talking.   

I thought he had bounced by then, but he was a gentleman and waited for us.  Cool.

And yes, he drove her to her car.  About two blocks away.  A distance she could have walked to her damn self.  Nutty.  It was all just nutty. 

As soon as she was out of the car I apologized over and over to him.  He said that he thought it was a set up.  Haha.  Nah.  I told him how I had tried to tell her to go, but she wasn’t getting it.  But he didn’t dog her out though.  He remained a gentleman about it and we just moved on from it.  Even though she had annoyed the hell out of me, I don’t think he was turned off by her though.  Hmmm…

The convo on the ride home was nice.  I was feeling him.  I think he was feeling me.  It was cool. 

I called her when I got home to try to ask her what the hell was she thinking, but again all I heard were birds.  In other words it was just pointless trying to talk to her.  Whatever.   Good night chick.  I’ll know better next time.

Then it all started to make sense.  Rhianna had told me before how someone had told her that she was self-absorbed and needed to get over herself.  And now I see exactly what that person meant by that… Rhianna is all about herself.  She got the babysitter, rode in from West Hell, and was gonna make a night of it no matter what.  Forget about her being a third wheel or that the situation would feel awkward.  Forget that I said this was the first time I was meeting him.  It was all about her azz and her having fun.  I sensed in my bones before the evening started that I needed to get away from her azz, and boy was I right.   Her being a grown azz woman I thought that she would have known better than to tag along like that.  When I saw her following us into the restaurant I should have turned around, gave her a hug, and walked away.  I didn’t handle that right at all so I have to blame myself too.

But all was not lost.  The next day Shallow Hal emails me and says he had a nice time.  We plan to go out that night – ALONE.  Good.

Then another email comes.

Shallow Hal:  “I just told my boy about last night and he wants to meet your friend.  How about we have a double date next week?”

HUH?  NOW AIN’T THAT SOME SHYT?

You see what I mean?  Even though she was dizzy, self-absorbed, AND confessed to her gold digger tendencies, she gets a pass for alla that because she was pretty with a big azz.   Shallow Hal still gassed her up to his friend anyways.  I had picked the right name for his azz after all - shallow muthafucca.  Everything gets put to the side because mami was easy on the eyes, and Shallow Hal must have made her sound pretty damn good for his boy to wanna meet her without seeing her.  Dudes will still wanna holla at her no matter what she says or does.  And apparently she knows that. 

Must be nice to get passes in life like that.  I wouldn't know shyt about it.

I called Kim and told her about it and she was straight howling with laughter on the phone.  She said Rhianna was bogus as hell for coming with us.  I told the therapist too, but she wasn’t laughing.  The therapist was like, “You should have told her azz to beat it. ” 

What a mess.

Was it my mistake that I expected Rhianna to have known better?  YES!
Will I know better next time?  YES!

Anyway lesson learned.  I’m gonna see her next week at another Meetup event, but please believe she WILL NOT be kicking it with me afterwards.  I've been shyt on by this bird enough to last a lifetime.

Dear Mama

 Dear Ma,

You get on my nerves. 

A lot. 

And even though I live 800 miles away from you, you still do a fantastic job of aggravating the shyt out of me.  So as of this past weekend, after my ten thousandth attempt to help yo azz, I'm gonna just step away from you for a little while.  We just don't need to talk for a minute.

Yeah, go ahead and sigh and huff and puff like you always do.  Roll your eyes and slap your hand on the table in protest.  Chuckle lightly to yourself to minimize my opinion in your mind.  Just like you always do.  But deep down...deep down you know why I'm taking this position....

Because I'm tired of you always giving an opposing thought to what I talk about and causing an argument.  It's ridiculous.

Because I'm tired of you reaching back bringing up old shyt TRYING to make me feel bad or guilty about something I did or said twenty days  --- or even twenty years ago.

Because I'm tired of you crying broke and how you need help....

And that's the big thing.  This broke shyt with you.

...but yet you continue to shop and run up your damn credit cards like you Diddy's mama. When you called me last week to give you a credit card to get your car fixed, I wanted to scream.   Will it ever end?  I wanted to scream because I knew that you just went to Express and charged $300 worth of stuff on a card that my brother is paying the bill on.  I suspect that what you bought were clothes for the manipulative little 15 year old that you are caring for too.  So he can be fly during the first week of school.  Yeah, that same 15 year old who told you, 'Fuck you' when you asked his azz to get up to go to school one morning.  But despite his lazy ways and him getting shitty grades, you continue to shower him with the finest shyt.  And then you call me crying that you need money to 'get your bills down' and that your car needs fixing????  

Every since I was little you been crying about money and not having it.  So instead of using those bad experiences to encourage your kids not to get in the same predicament, you never told your kids about saving and credit.  Never uttered a word about it.  Instead you and my father would fight over money and then when he would go to sleep drunk, you would take the money out of his pockets.  Hmmm.  But now that I think about it, I guess you didn't know how to teach us about saving and credit.  You never tried to know how yourself.  And I would give you a pass for that past stuff if you would at least TRY to get yourself together now after your kids are grown.  But you won't.    You continue to subscribe to the same old practices, and stay standing in the same debt hole.  Just like when I was a little girl.

Then what kills me is that you turn around and try to tell me about what I do, and what I say ain't right, and I shouldn't have said this and I shouldn't have said that.  And I let you do that.  All the f*ckin' time.  And I sit there itching to remind you of the crap you did to me to have my shyt f*cked up just like yours.  Like that time that I came home from college and saw the mail, and saw a credit card bill with my name on it. 

I open it up and it had like $2000 worth of whatever charged on it.  I couldn't believe it!  A card that I didn't know shyt about; a credit card that you had applied for using my social security number without my knowledge.  And then when I asked you about it you yell, "Don't worry about it, I'm paying the bill on it!"  But that wasn't the point Ma!  The bill should have never existed in the first place - especially when you already had one of the same credit card in your name.  Yep.  TWO  MUTHAFUCCIN CARDS TO THE SAME STORE.  So you were running up two damn credit cards - one in your name and one in mine.  Now what the f*ck sense did that make?  Yeah I remember that busted look on your face when I closed the account that day too.  And I never got an apology, explanation, or anything on that.

Oh and let's not forget the bank account I had.  The one that the bank shut down because you would take blank checks from my checkbook, and do some kind of shit between my account and yours until the bank figured out they were paying your bills without money really being in your account.  I felt like a fool and was so embarassed when the bank closed my account, bounced all the checks I wrote, and told me to basically get the f*ck out of the building.    But if I mention that you'll say in an exasperated voice, "Oh my lord.  You need to go see somebody.  That was 20 years ago and you STILL talking about that?"  Um, slavery was 200 years ago and we still think that was wrong; 9/11 happened ten years ago and that still was just as wrong; so time doesn't lower the reading on the "THAT WAS F*CKED UP SCALE" for what you did either.  So, yeah I'm still talking about that Ma, because as long as you try to make me feel guilty about something I did or said, I might just have to remind of the crazy shit you did too.

...............................>
Maybe I should be like my brothers and just say, "That's just the way Ma is".  Why bother trying to make sense of what you do, or trying to help you get on a better path?  I should just give you whatever I can muster up and let it go.  But that's hard when my nature is to share what I know to help others if I can.  And plus I don't like giving anything to someone unless they earn it.  I mean I throw a dollar to a homeless person here or there, but other than that you ain't gettin' shyt outta me without us discussing why you're in my face begging.  Sawry.  That's just the way it is.

Ma, I seek to understand you.  I really do.  When I come home for a visit, I am surrounded by excess.  I see three refrigerators full of food, and it's only you and one teenager living in the house.   

Three refrigerators of food + Two people = Waste

I ask, "How are y'all gonna eat alla this before stuff starts to get old and expire?  It's only two of you here."

"Oh well I give some to your brothers to take home."

So you buy stuff to give to other people, but yet you're strapped for cash?  How generous of you!!!

(insert side eye)

Bullshyt.  You don't give it all to them.  Cuz my brothers don't always take that stuff.  I look in the closet and see eight bottles of body wash, six tubes of toothpaste, five bottles of shampoo, and five boxes of cereal (and at least two of them will be expired). When I ask you why you have so much of an item, you answer (annoyed),

"Well I had some coupons and yadda yadda and it only cost me $2.00 a bottle." 

Ok cool, then use up the shyt and THEN buy more.  Must you buy it, and KEEP BUYING IT, just because it is on sale?  But no matter what I say it doesn't make sense to you.  I remember you saying that when we were little and too young to remember, there were times when you had no food in the house.  Maybe that experience did something to you, because now it seems that you pack the cabinets and refigerators to capacity.  You make sure you don't look "broke" to everyone else, but in reality your finances are in bad shape.  Typical shyt.  I hate to say this but Black people stay frontin' and looking 'fancy' but have negative net worth and have no idea what their damn credit score is --- cuz they scared to look at it.  Just like you.  When I suggest to pull your credit report you say you don't need to cuz you ain't trying to get nothing.  Huh?  Don't you want to see if it is accurate?  See what's on it?

"What for?"  You calmly reply.


And this is where we kids learn bad habits.  Watching our parents.  Listening to our parents.  Yeah I had f*cked up credit too when I was 20 something, and would buy shyt just to look fly.  Never saved a dime.   It got to the point where I got tired of the letters and the phone calls from creditors that I decided that I didn't want to live like that.  So by the time I was 23 I had finally seen the light and learned about finance charges and credit limits, etc.

I know that you think I'm stingy and tight with my money.  Truth be told, I'm only tight with you.  I want to help you, but just giving you money doesn't seem to be the way to help you.  I try to discuss your income and what you pay out, but you always say,

"I'll be okay if things didn't always come up." 

Ma, how long have you lived on this earth?  Sixty-two years right? I think you know that things will always come up, and you have to put yourself in a position to be able to handle surprises as best you can.  I mean I had to file bankrupcty (which I never told you) but that was because I was bust over business debt.  Not over clothes and cars and 'things'.  But I betcha now I am ready for what comes my way.  Learned the hard way...but I LEARNED.

Sigh.  But you know, it ain't even about what you do with your money.  I'm tired of you saying "Why don't you do this?", or "You too old to be doing that?"  or your favorite phrase, "You worry too much.  Just move on."

You say that about everything.  Move on.  Don't worry about it.  So the next time you call me with a money crisis I'm gonna say the same thing - don't worry about it.  And I bet you get pissed.  That's because the "don't worry about it" mantra only applies to me and not you.

Honestly, I think having money woes is a lifestyle for you.  Sixty years and counting; never learning from the past.  And you know, that would be cool if you wasn't inviting everyone else into your financial cesspool with you.  If you were dealing with all of this yourself then I wouldn't even be writing this.  You want people to help you pay for the wide screen TVs (which I don't even own one, still watching my cable ready joint), the Air Jordans, the new furniture.  Even last week you said,

"Why don't you take one of these credit card bills and pay it off for me?" 

Again you are not Diddy's mama, you're mine. 

Ma if I was confident that you wouldn't use the card again I might consider helping on that.  But I know you.  You will just use the shit and run it back up again.  I think when my father died and you saw that some of his cards got wiped out and that excited you.  Now you have subscribed to the "Keep-Your-Card-Balances-High-Because-They-Get-Wiped-Out-When-You-Die Philosophy".  I've heard other older people say that too.  "Keep your card balances high!"  But think about that.  Yeah you won't owe the money to them, but how will you enjoy that reprieve when you're in a damn casket DEAD?  I mean seriously.  I'd say file bankruptcy if you're thinking like that.

Truth be told, I cringe when you call me because no matter where we start, we end up arguing about everything from family matters to money.  But GIVING you money just because you're my mother goes against every cell in my body.  I know that sounds f*cked up, but that's how I feel.  It's hard for me to help anyone who does nothing to improve their position, be it mother, brother, father, aunt.  I just can't do it. 

Very few people want to see their mother struggle in her older years, but I got my own life and my own bills and my own shyt to pay.  I know that sounds ungrateful because you raised me, but I didn't ask to be here Ma.  Straight up.  Why did you put me on this Earth anyway?  To grow up, work for someone else until I'm writhing with aches and pains, and then pay bills for the rest of my life?  Like you?  So okay now I'm here, and trying to live my life, and yet I still hear you singing the same songs that I heard when I was young.  Maybe I do sound ungrateful and it makes me sad to even feel this way, but I do.  But I don't have it like that.  I'm not Diddy, or Beyonce, or some big shot engineer or business owner.  I run the rat race (much to my disgust) like millions of others.  Why in the world would you try to push your burdens on your children?  I don't have money to just GIVE to anyone.  And being 'family' is not enough reason for me unfortunately.  Sounds foul but that 'family' thing does not sway me or blind me to the fact that you are still a 'person' that needs to change up a few things. 

So Ma, please be on notice.

I don't want to hear about the 15 year old needing $250 for driver's ed when his azz has f*cking C's and D's on his report card, especially after I found out that you didn't even LOOK at his report card at the end of the school year to see what he had.  But you will scream and holler at him if he gets his Jordan's dirty.  WTF?

I don't want to hear about your damn car when you kill it every day going to clean up somebody's house light years away in another town, when I know that you can find something closer.

I don't want to argue anymore either.  I'm tired of you talking over me.  I'm tired of talking over you.  I won't be home for Christmas, because I don't want to see that tree with stacked up presents for the teenager who to me is the "Best Dressed Slacker" at his high school. 

I just need to stay away.  We don't get along, and if you won't say it, I will.  I'm done hearing about your madness so let my brothers take over on that. 

Sometimes you older people think because y'all got mileage on you that you know everything. Well lemme tell y'all, you may have SEEN a lot, but a lot of you don't know shyt.  Doing the same things and thinking the same thoughts that you had 40 years ago. 

STUCK.  

As long as I am on this Earth, I will try to remain progressive and open to new things.  Yeah I went bankrupt, but I've worked hard to get my shyt back on track.  My credit score went from a 560 after the bankruptcy to 683 in a little over a year.  I always check my report, and will dispute anything that don't look right.  I ain't broke anymore, on my way to saving $20K, and I will never go back to that 'broke' life again.  And I won't let anyone else make me broke either.  That's for damn sure.

Even my own mother.

So when you're ready to listen to me about a credit counselor or bankruptcy then holla at me.  Otherwise...I'll leave you to your own financial mess.  Maybe you'll win the lottery again, don't tell anybody about it  until you spent it all, and then buy another $500 vacuum cleaner/rug shampooer.

Anyway Ma, I love you, but I can't deal with you right now.  I doubt if you understand that but then again...when have you tried to understand anything that I have said lately?

(throws hands up)

Good luck.

Your kid.

(I do care for my mother, and because I do I'm falling back for a while.  We just aggravate each other.  Now watch, she'll hit the lottery now that I've decided to do this.  Haha.  Oh well.)

The Last Straw???

I don't get many comments on here, but what I read in response to my last Tin Man post really resonated with me.   Maybe it's my obssessive ways coming out, but I read some of them a few times - well more than a few times.  It seems that we women have a lot in common when it comes to men and relationships:

"Sounds like my ex."
"Sounds like my situation."
"I went through the same thing."

So it felt good for people to understand what I was feeling.  Like I wasn't alone. 

But then I wanted to know more.  I wanted to know more about how people handled their ex, their situation, or their "same thing."  

I mean, what made you walk away?   We women take a LOT of shyt from dudes.  I'm sure we can relate to Beyonce's lyrics:

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must've been outta my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you

Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
So baby good lookin' out

Can you feel what she is saying right there?  I know I can.  

Especially that "showed your ass" part.  

When it's playing in my car, I sing that part as loud as I fuggin' can ---
WITH the windows down,
and my hands twirlin',
and my head movin' back and forth.
I be in full SISTA GYRL mode for real on that joint.  LOL.

(gettin' off track)

Ok, ok.  So this is what I wanna do.  I wanna ask others...
what made you say that you finally had enough? 

How many times did he/she let you down, cheat, lie, be mean and you just had to walk away?

Or was it him/her that walked away?  Why?


Or maybe it wasn't him/her?  Maybe it was you and you let him/her down?

Did you fall out of love?  Meet someone new?  Did you just lose the spark and know that you just couldn't go on with him/her anymore?

I'm sure that there are so many stories, and maybe if we shared them, our eyes might open up a little bigger.  Asking this is a risk because I might not even get anyone to respond, but I'll roll the dice anyway.

so what was the last straw in your relationship?

 

what did it take for you to walk away and make it stick?

Maybe if I read what y'all say, I think I might (well WE might) be able to fine tune our bullshyt radars a little bit mo'.  Are you game?

(light bulb moment)

Hmmm, I got an idea! But let's see what happens with this post first. 


Thanks for reading about my chit y'all.  I seem to talk about any damn thing.  Freely (maybe too freely).  Who woulda thought I would have the guts to do so?  It's official! 

I'm all growed up.

Buy Me Some Happiness..

I couldn't sleep last night. 

Anything and everything was on my mind from getting a nose job to Tin Man to online dating to the product that I am supposed to be trying to develop.  A lot of thinking and zero 'doing'.  And I do mean ZERO.

Clothes and shoes just lay in piles in the corner and on the bed until I just can't stand it anymore (and that may take a week or two for me to get to that point).  I'll take the dirty sheets off the bed, and then won't put new sheets on it for days.  I take out the clean sheets and pillowcases, but I don't put them on.  I'll just lay on top of them instead.  Weird.

And the couch.  Man this couch is like my new boyfriend or something.  I find myself laying on it with the TV off, in the dark, with just a pair of panties on, embracing the decorative pillows --- just thinking crazy thoughts.  In dead quiet.  For hours.   I can't even watch a TV show or movie straight through anymore.  I can focus on it for maybe 15 minutes and then I pause the TV.  It takes me days to watch a one hour show sometimes.  It's crazy.  No wonder my head has been hurting lately.  My mind is always racing, racing, racing.  Too many things going on in there.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________

I did another surgery yesterday.  On my earlobe.  The stretching wasn't terrible, but it wasn't cute either.  I coulda lived with it, but why should I?  No one noticed it or ever said anything about it, so why after all of these years did I bother doing it? 

(takes deep breath)

Because someone said that I had flaws.  A mean someone said I had flaws.  Recently.  Just to hurt me.  Now they didn't say what the flaws were, and if I asked I'm sure they would have told me.  But I didn't want to ask because I didn't want to hear it.  I should have asked anyway though, because later all I did was torture myself and wonder what they could have meant by the "flaws" statement.  Were they talking about my looks?  My personality? 

(to myself)

"Nah, it couldn't be my personality cuz I'm a cool azz chick.  So he must have been talking about something physical."

This is where my mind went with it.   Straight to Crazy Town.  I guess I haven't heard anything negative like that since my teenage days that it floored me.  It brought me right back to remembering the occasional shyt my mother used to tell me when I was younger. 

She used to tell me to squeeze my nose so it wouldn't be so wide in the middle. 

She told me to hold my lips a certain way so that wouldn't look so full. 

She has 'nice' hair but instead I got my father's hair - the coarse stuff that you had to straighten with a pressing comb. 

My hair.  My hair.  My hair! 

She was forever telling me to 'fix it'. 

Fix it.  Fix it.  Fix it! 

 

For years I heard this.  When you think that your own mother is telling you you're not okay the way you are --- you carry that with you forever.  I don't think I ever heard her tell me that I was pretty or cute or smart or anything like that.  I know she didn't mean it to be mean.  I think she was trying to help me I guess?  But it didn't, and I would never tell her that either because she will probably just say, "Aw you still remembering that?  Oh my God!  You just need to MOVE ON!"  So I will probably never tell her that it bothered me and just made me an insecure mess cuz I don't want to hurt HER feelings.  Mine have already been hurt so no need to drag her into the pot too.  But the slightest mention of a flaw, or a comment on my nose or appearance...something comes over me.  I revert back to yesteryear and I turn into the insecure eleven year old again.

Now that I am older and figured out to make what I have work for me, I don't hear those things anymore.  A lot of times you get attention not just because you have a pretty face, but it's also in how you move and the way you carry yourself.  I'm grown and sexy now, and I seem to do okay I guess.  I just learned how to use other things to increase my attractiveness, but no way am I 'cured'.  I never take compliments well.  Never. 

"You have flaws and I'm compromising with those because I said to myself everyone can't be perfect."

Yep.  That's what was said to me.  My feelings were smashed like a bug, and the next week I go running to the plastic surgeon for a consultation.  I asked about this and that, and how much this and that would cost. Thousands.  Yep.  Thousands.

Doctor:  "What's wrong with your nose?"

(insert a WTF face here)

I told the therapist I went.  She had the same WTF look expression on her face too. 

Therapist:   "If a plastic surgeon said that to you then what does that tell you then about your nose?"

Me:  "Well what else would he say?  I mean he can't be like, 'Oh yeah I see what you mean? Damn!'  I mean he wouldn't be so bold as to say that right?  That's what he is supposed to say - 'what's wrong?'"

After she listened to my rationalization, she just looked at me and frowned.  Oh well.  LOL. 

Then I explained it to her.  I told her the story about what my moms would say to me, and how people would say mean stuff to me when I was younger.  Even to this day, she is telling my brother to squeeze his newborn baby girl's nose too.  See what I mean?  She is obsessed with noses and she has got me doing the same damn thing!

So after I took my therapist on a trip down memory lane with me, she said something that I thought was really cool.  She said well you have one life, and you want to be happy.  People get tummy tucks, bigger boobs, and nose jobs because they feel it would make them happier and make them feel good, and there's nothing wrong with that.  If the surgery makes you happy and helps you to get past the bad childhood memories and feelings then do it.  If changing something physically about yourself helps you mentally then there is nothing wrong choosing plastic surgery for yourself.

Cool!  Sounds good to me.  I like my therapist a lot.

So yesterday I went and did something small.  I fixed my ear.  It kinda hurts today but when it's all healed it will look gooooood!!  I already did my toes last year and I love them!  I did my teeth and I love them!  So imagine if I could love my nose too??!  The thought of it just makes me smile.


As for the naysayers, I told a  couple folks about it and they think I'm nutty.  My friend Kim says that I have a Nubian nose and I should be proud of that, and she asked why am I trying to look like the Europeans (white folk).  Girl...I don't have to prove my Nubian-ness to anyone with my nose!  My complexion and my lips represents my Nubianism plenty enough.  She knows I ain't listening to her and that Nubian shyt so that's that.  I'm not trying to get a skinny nose, just a slimmer one.  I think I will just keep my mouth shut about it from this point on though.  Dayum.  Now I see why people don't tell others that they want to change something because they look at you crazy, criticize you, and say even meaner things to you to make you feel worse.  So no more discussions.  With anybody. 

But you know what was surprising about my office visit?  There were five chicks in the waiting room...and they were all Black!  For some reason seeing that kinda bugged me out.  What they were getting done I don't know.  There was one American (i.e., home grown), and the others were from Africa and the Caribbean.    I guess they  all were in there trying to find 'happiness' too  --- or at least they were in there asking how much 'happiness' would cost them.   

So there.  I put it out there.  It's kinda scary too, but then liberating at the same time.  I am really exposing something that has been buried so deep inside me for all of these years, but I consider it the first step to being comfortable with whatever decision I choose to make down the road.   I mean in reality there is probably nothing really wrong with my nose, but I just think it can look better that's all.  And what's wrong with wanting to look better?  Nothing if you ask me. 

I only get one life, so why not be happy?

(MORAL OF THIS STORY:  Be careful what you say to your kids cuz you never know how it will affect them later.  The smallest statement can stick with them for life.)

Was It Destiny? - Part II

Saw the Tin Man...again.  Yep.  The second time in two weeks.  For weeks I wouldn't see his azz when I wanted to, and now that I don't want to there he is.  What the hell is going on?

I was coming out of the subway and he walked past me.  Because he was staring at his phone (as usual), he didn't see me at first.  Before I could talk myself out of it I poked him on the arm.

"Unbelievable."

He turns to look back at me. 

I say it again, "Unbelievable that I'm seeing you again."

He walks back towards me.  His demeanor wasn't all smiley faced like it was when I saw him last week though.  "Well I do work around here, what's so unbelievable?"

Asshole reply.  Well hey I hang out around there too so what?  I don't see the same people when I pass by there.   STFU.  Wanna be a bitch today?

This time it was different.  No hug or kiss like he usually gives.  He was a statue.  Ice cold in the 95 degree heat.  It was awkward.  Very awkward.

We chat a little.  He compliments me on my hair and my lip gloss.  He asks about my new place, etc.  Then he asks where I am going.  I point to the bar where the Tenderoni is waiting for me (oh I forgot to mention that the Tenderoni asked me to meet him at that bar where I was going.)

"I'll walk you over there."

A little voice in my head said, "Uh oh.  Bad idea."  But I didn't listen. 

So we walk and get in front of the bar, and just as we approach...the Tenderoni walks out and looks dead at me and Tin Man walking up.

"Shit."  I said to myself. 

I don't think Tin Man was looking though, but I held my finger up to indicate to Tenderoni to give me a few minutes.  He says nothing and does not stop.  He leaves the bar and continues to walk down the street.

But I stay there and talk to Tin Man anyway?  Something cemented me to that spot and I couldn't move.  I didn't care that Tenderoni had been waiting on me for twenty minutes either.  I didn't care if he left.  Bad I know.

So we chat some more.  Just small talk.  Tin Man was acting weird.  He was oozing with that, "I don't care vibe"  too.  So when I peeped that I asked if I was keeping him from something  and he said no.  Cool...then his demeanor changed slightly.  We talked about little things like my bartending and my car, but he continued to act weird by making faces and dropping hints about how he is always solo and doing his own thing and alla that.  Like he is just having a ball right now in his life.

Mmmm....ok.  Well what did it look like I was doing last week when you saw me?  And now Mr. Tin Man?  One monkey don't stop no show for me.  It never has.

I made a mistake though.  He said he was going to the movies and with a big cheesy smile I asked if he had a date.  Ugh.  Why did I do that?  Anyhow he said no, and reaffirmed how he is by himself 99% of the time.  Whateverreeeeee....

Anyways the convo wasn't bad and things were getting more comfortable between us.  But I couldn't stand there long because Tenderoni was still waiting...I think.  After about five minutes I had to part ways.  I just needed to make sure I said it first.  The departure was abrupt and awkward, but I couldn't focus on it at the moment.  I was feeling guilty about Tenderoni.  I desperately start looking for him.  He didn't pick up the phone after I called it twice.  I stood there shaking my head and then I sent him a text asking if he was mad at me.

"I'm here."

Whew.  Good.  So I went back into the bar and he met me in there.  We went out and had kind of nice time.  He CLAIMS he wasn't mad about me talking to Tin Man, but moreso about me being late.  Oh well.  Shyt I am always late and I told him that.  But whatever, on the surface he seemed to get past it but I honestly I don't think so.  In fact he brought it up yesterday on the phone.  He thought I was playing him because he is young.  Nah, I told him.  For the greater good of everyone, it was good that I stopped to talk.  LOL.  Yeah that's bullshyt right?  I know.  The therapist hinted at that being foul too, but it's too late now.  All I can do is apologize and that's that.

But as for these two chance meetings with Tin Man...I NEVER happened upon him anywhere, and now I see him two weeks in a row?  If I had known that all I needed to do was go to The Village to catch him I would have been doing that when things were cool.  So I have to believe that we crossed paths for a reason, and especially this second time because I actually got to talk to him. 

And that talk, as short as it was, was very enlightening.  Once I got settled with Tenderoni and had a chance to think I said to myself...I THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE, BUT HE'S NOT.  He's really not.  

Thank the lawd.  After nine months the fever has finally broken.

I think that is why he was put in my path again?  I'll admit that this past weekend I was tripping and remembering him and wishing things weren't the way they were.  The universe heard me and said, "Ok we gotta put a stop to this shyt."  So he was dropped in my path again, and it was for me to really take a good look at him again.

And what did I see?  I saw that...

• He just wasn't that cute anymore.  Body is banging but he just wasn't that fine anymore for some reason.  I had given him a pass on his nose and teeth but I just seemed to notice them more as I stood there.  The rose colored glasses transformed into regular sunglasses as I stood there looking at him.
• He acts weird and says weird stuff.  
• He says crazy things as if to self sabotage himself.  "Yep, I drink everyday."  "Yep 99% of the time I'm by myself."  And he has lied about stuff and I caught him in the lie.
• The urge was gone.  I used to just pounce on him and kiss and hug him, but nothing made me want to do that anymore. 
• Talking to him is a struggle.  Guys who think they are 'smarter than the average bear' are forever trying to analyze your statements and minimize your thoughts.
• He is mad defensive and attacks you.  Because I said it was unbelievable that I saw him again and I had this look of "WTF" on my face,  he shoots back with that "Well I work around here so what's so unbelievable about it".  Bullshyt.  This is NYC and there are mad people here.  I go over there all the time and NEVER see the same people every time I am over there.  There were 100 people watching a basketball game on the street corner and another 50 or so coming out of the subway.  But I see your azz?  It is unbelievable muthafucca and I don't care what you say.
• He tries sooo hard to put on this "I am The Lone Wolf Show", where he says these little things to make it clear that he will be obligated to no one.  Last time we spoke he yelled, "No one is gonna tell me how to life my life!"  I don't know where that came from, but that statement was very telling to me.  It told me that he might feel that a female will consume him and that he can't be his own man if he bends for a woman.  He looks at relationships and closeness as a burden and full of obligation, instead of thinking how a woman can enhance or add to his life.  He claims that he won't make promises, and now I see why.  He doesn't want to have to live up to the promise.  That is too much of a commitment, even something as simple as him saying that he will take you out.  No matter what he tells you, he has the option to cancel.  And he exercised that option on I don't know how many occassions.
• He might have a personality disorder.  A few months ago I was talking to the therapist and she said that based on the things that he was saying and doing to me.  Standing there in the hot sun listening to all of his "Yeps" and remembering all of the shitty things he did and said to me makes me think that she is right.  She warned me that he was mean, but I didn't listen.

I could go on and on so lemme stop.  I went to the therapist yesterday and talked to her about it.  Again she asked me what was it that was drawing me to him.  And you know, I can't seem to give her a straight answer!!!!  I guess I WANTED him to be the one for me, even though he never did anything to prove that he could be.   I created something in my head I think.  It makes me think that I don't know how to recognize love.   I thought I was in love with a man who had demonstrated more than enough times to me that he wasn't capable of that. 

So yeah, I played myself.

And honestly, I need to be kicked dead in my azz for being such a dum-dum.

Yes I was a fool.  Yes people tried to warn me but I...I don't know why I couldn't see it for myself.

No, I can't believe that I put up with his bullshyt, but I did.

Yes I got caught up. 

Yes I wanted him to be the one. 

No, he never showed me that he could be the one so what the f*ck was I thinking?

Yes I tried to leave him alone several times but for some reason I kept going back.

No he didn't make me feel good and he shyt on me more times than I can count. But he would always come back saying some nicety shyt to get me to move past it.

And finally the answer is yes that I know that he manipulated the fallout between us so that it looks like it's my fault that things are done.  And my reply to that is yes that he is a looney muthafucca for putting that shyt in his mind.  It is ALL HIS FAULT that things are the way they are, but it is my fault that I let him do it. 

The therapist said it simple and plain:

"Men have NO INCENTIVE to change.  They have no reason to because they will always find another woman to put up with their weirdness, vagueness, rigidity, drama, indifference, assholeness, brokeness, meanness, lameness, etc.  So what you see is what you get. He won't change because there will always be another one to take your place."

And she's right.  There is always another one.  Just like me.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------->

So was it destiny that I saw him again?  Was it fate?

I say yes.  Something in the universe wanted me to snap of out of this shyt for good.  The universe heard me this past weekend, acting all sappy and thinking this brotha was the one for me.  I even said to myself that I was losing my mind.  It was that bad.  The universe heard that and came in and did an intervention to move me past this nonsense. 

And it did.  It's all clear to me now.

As we stood on that NYC street, talking in the hot sun, I realized once and for all why it made sense to rename him from Pretty Brown to the Tin Man.  He has no heart.  He only thinks of himself.  He is mean. 

People say that no matter how fine a person is on the outside, how that person is on the inside can make them the ugliest person on Earth.

(sighing)

And I hate to use the word 'ugly' for a person because I think it's a hurtful word.  But as much as it pains me to write this....

(thinks to self)

The other day, I saw the ugliest man I have ever known in my life.









 

   

Will the real Tin Man please stand up?

Haha.  Might as well get a little laugh out of it if I can right?  If I ever see him again I'm going pull out my phone and look at this picture just to remind me of what's really behind the exterior.

Although I didn't dodge the bullet in time, he was put in my path a second time for reason.  It was for me to see that he is not the beautiful person that I thought could be for me.  And THIS TIME, I really, really, really mean that.

So thank you God.  Thank you universe.

Thank you for rescuing me from this mental hell, and it feels good to finally exhale.