Sometimes I'm a Weenie Azz

Aw shizzle. My lawyer just called. My heart is beating nervously fast. Why, I don't know and it's dumb.  What I do know though is that getting nervous about the little shyt like a phone call is why I find myself cleaning up messes all the damn time.


I sent the lawyer a letter about my issue with his final fees this week.  I have to sign a release agreement with the defendants before anyone gets paid, and I have been holding the releases for almost a month now. I'm like, "I ain't signing shyt. If I get screwed, we all get screwed and no one gets a damn dime." I'm tired of people shytting on me and we need to straighten this fee thing out. I don't wanna talk to him though and my letter clearly said to respond in writing. But he called anyway? Hard headed. I'll admit that these fast talking lawyers confuse me. They already did this to me before and I am not putting myself in that position again. Whatever they gotta say put it in writing dammit.

I really don't trust myself to talk to them. 

I was just raised to be a weenie and concede and be nice and all that shyt.  My mother still tries to tell me to be this way to this very damn day.  To her, I am the bitch of the century and I need to just 'let things go and forget about them.'

Do we raise our girls to be like this sometimes? 

Does society implant this 'give of yourself' and 'give the benefit of the doubt' attitude in women so that we find ourselves hesitating to say no or calling people on their shyt until it's too damn late?

Do we worry too much about how we will be perceived and how we will fit into the "angry loud mouth Black chick" stereotype that we pull back? 

Do we worry about men complaining about us and white folks expecting us to show our azzes that we are afraid to ask for what we want?

Or is it just me?  Haha.


I talked about this with my therapist last month when I was sitting in her office crying after my court date.  I knew I didn't like how things were going with my lawyer for a long azz time but I stayed neutral because I thought that they would drop me.  My money was f'd up at the time and I couldn't pay to sign on with anyone else.  The therapist said that sometimes women are often told to be 'softer' when we deal with people, and even when we are mad we have to "womanly and mad".  We know shyt ain't right but we explain it away because we don't want fit a stereotype of being belligerent and emotional. 

I think this is me and I hate it.  In my younger days I wasn't this way and used to speak my mind, but as I have gotten older I changed.  I guess 'saying how I felt' back then brought me too much drama in my twenties and I was tired of battling.  But I don't see what being softer has done for me; I'm STILL battling mothafuccas all the time.  I'm working on recognizing my feelings so that I can react sooner to how I feel.  I even bought some books on the subject because I was so pissed at myself after that court mess.  Yeah it sounds corny to be all in this 'self-help' mode but if that's what I have to do then so be it. 

I have now added this to my Operation Sexy campaign.  I gotta nip this shyt in the bud. I started to post about the BJ class and then the lawyer call came through.  I gotta put off talking about fellatio techniques until the weekend - again.  But I'll give out this quick little tip from Professor D*ck to get things started:

DROOL

(not on you but on his thang ladies; think porn star).  Yeah sounds nasty but he said guys LOVE IT, LOVE IT.  He said it REPEATEDLY, and I cringed while holding onto the large cucumber that was given to me when I checked in at the door.  Hmmmm...I don't know if I am a saliva type of gal (I hate seeing people spit), but more on that lata.

-------
Btw, the first phase of Operation Sexy has been completed!  My toes are done and are fresh out of the oven!  Just in time for summer too - just like I planned.  The long toes have been shortened so they lay down really nicely, and they look FANTASTICO!!!  I have gone back to running, the serious gym boot camps, and doing my step classes.  What a great feeling.  No more makeup on my toes and no more filing down corns and all that.  And most importantly, no more wearing tall hurting azz shoes for extended periods of time either.  I'll be damned if you see my azz walking like a newborn pony with my legs buckling at the knees anymore.  So not cute.  Anyway, I ain't a shawty so I don't need all that height to tell you the truth.  Bunk that.  So when I walk down the street this summer I will be sanging to myself,

Yaaayyy!

Random Thought - About These Broke Nuccas...

Is it just me or is it true that broke azz nuccas usually give good d*ck?

They ask to borrow money and you say no, but that doesn't stop them.  Then to your surprise things end up where y'all get to f*ckn, and while his head is in between your legs he starts asking for it again,

"Come on.  So you gonna lend me that money right?"  Slurp.  "Huh?  Huh?  You gonna lend me that money right girl?!!!"  Slurp.  Slurp.

"Yeah daddy, ooh, yeah I will.  Just keep doing that."

And then afterwards (hell or even during it!) you end up reaching for your wallet after all?

Hmmm....

Not saying that this happened to me though.  LOL.  I was just wondering about it.  I think I'm way too old to be hearing, "Can I hold a couple of dollars until I get my check?"  Somebody called me last night asking me this and that's what made me write this post.  I know I have had my periods of brokeness, but I will never fix my mouth to ask someone else.  I usually try to just figure it out on my own.  I have always been that way after seeing my parents go thru their money woes.  Hell, I COULDN'T ask them for shyt hardly ever.  They didn't have it most times.  If I asked my mother though she would get it from somewhere because she didn't want me to go without, but that would include borrowing from her bros and they would get pissed at her.  So I just stopped asking altogether once I got old enough to work.

So as for dude who called last night.  WTH!!! Handle your biz dammit!  Why was your azz at the casino Friday night then if you were close to broke?  Straight triflin'.  So of course I said with a quickness, "I don't loan money to people."  I hope this will be the first and the last time he asks me for anything with a dollar sign in front of it.  SMDH. 

I wonder....

Does this happen with dudes too and their females?  For some reason I'm betting that it does.

Day #287: Don't Tell Me You Missin' Me Already?

"Back off of me
The negativity
Don’t want to hear what you say
I’m a dance away my drama…
So you best get out my way
Hey, hey, hey "

This weekend I did dance away my drama.  I went to this dance party in NYC all by myself.  By choice.

Free drinks, good music, and dancing all night long, and I didn't have to go 'find my girls' or wonder where they were and all that craziness.  Or if my girlfriend is cuter than me that she'll get all the play and I'll get ignored, like when I go out with my friend Yolanda.  That's my girl but if you're with her you ain't gettin' no action.  AT ALL.  It's just the way it is with her.  I tell her that all the time and she laughs.  When we go out I just sit back and marvel at her suitors and shake my head and chuckle.  It's actually pretty entertaining, but I don't let it bother me cuz she just got it like that.  It is what it is.  The good thing though is that Yolanda is cool people and she doesn't let it go to her head.  And I'm cool people and I'm not gonna hate.   

But when I am by myself, I go when I'm ready and I am on my own timetable.  Yep, and I shut it down too (although I didn't plan on that) and danced until the lights came on at 4am.  I even got escorted to my car so that was cool too. 

I honestly don't get what the big fear is with women and thinking that they can't go out alone.  But on the other hand I can understand the concern for safety reasons, especially in big cities like New York and Chicago.  I guess it's just what I do though so I don't try to overthink it.  I have lived all over the United States and in all four time zones with just me and that lazy cat of mine.  For the first two weeks I would chill in my new town, but then I would get that 'itch' and wanna hang out.  I mean how in the world was I supposed to meet people if I stayed in my damn apartment all the time?  Of course I would meet people at work, but who wants to always hang with a co-worker?  Not me.  Man those were the days too!  I would move to my new town, get settled and start looking for flyers or listen to the radio to find out where the happenings were.  Then on the designated night I would get dressed and show up.  I met all kinds of people that way and had friends from all over, not just from the job.  It was a blast!

So for my solo night out, I stepped out of my cougar role and became a PYT for a few hours.  I get to the club and I get a few nice comments and looks.  Cool.  My 'fun' little skirt and my high heeled sparkly shoes were doing exactly what I wanted them to do.  This party was for old heads so anything looking young and fun was gonna get a look, and I knew that and dressed the part.  Most of the ladies usually wear something knee length so showing a little thigh was bound to turn some heads.  In the place most people were coupled up, but there were a few singles in there that I knew I could have a dance or two with.

First up, Luis the cop.  OMG.  He looked like a Puerto Rican Uncle Fester.

<----- And he looked exactly like this picture too.  No joke.  Baldy and all. 



He walks up to me and was the first to try to run his game.  He was mad short and his gut was so big that he couldn't even tuck in his damn shirt.  And he was just talking and talking and talking!  I hadn't even been there 10 minutes and I couldn't even focus on the music for listening to his azz!  He was trying way too hard too; so hard that he even unbuttoned his shirt to show me his Omega Psi Phi brand on his arm like I was supposed to fall over or something.  Man please, I don't give a fluck about that.  This ain't no damn step show!  GTFOH.  I finally shook him when he said he was going to get something to drink.  I just walked to the other side and then someone else asked me to dance.  Saved!  Then I met another dude later on...

Name:  "Hennessey" is the Flava Flav name I'm gonna give him because that's what he was drinking on.
Hometown:  Brooklyn, NY
Age:  Ah, you don't wanna know.  He didn't look it anyway.  Let's just say that he was in high school when The Jacksons were the hot shyt.  You would never know it though because he looked young as hell.
Personality:  B+
Swagger:  B
Looks:  In the dark he was about a B but...( get to that later)

We had a good time dancing, it was cool.  He bought me some drinks, I met his friends, and we chatted and laughed.  I guess it was the drinks because the next thing you know we were kissing.  Pretty good.  I'll give him a B+.  We danced some more, kissed some more, and he was talking all that NYC shyt and I was eating it all up.  Yeah, it was fun.  We left the party and he walked me to my car.  I didn't fall for the 'Can I take you to breakfast" line though but we did have a little 'after party'.  Giggle.

Before I knew it, the sun was coming up in the distance.

(singing)

It's five o'clock in the morning,
And I'm just gettin' in',
Never once do you say,
Where have you been...

I speak to Hennessey (how do you spell that shyt, shoulda picked an easier name) on the phone the next day and we have lunch.  I guess I must be cold hearted or something because the more I learned about him I just wasn't excited anymore.  After I saw the little gut he had and a hint of man boobs, his grade went from a B to like a D+.  I guess now that the drinks had worn off I could see what he was working with.  Oh well.  But the night we had was nice.  I had fun.  I touched it too, and oooooh it was feelin' real nice.  Grade A fo' sho.  BUT, I wasn't gonna let him close the deal though.  Sorry boo boo.

So Monday he calls me and was telling me that he was missing me already. 

Nooooo.  I don't wanna hear that mane!    He was just okay and  after talking to him it doesn't sound like he has his shyt together enough for me.  He was just something to do Saturday night on the real, and now he says he is missing me?  I won't allow it.  You can't miss me when you just met me, and if you are truly are feeling some type of way about me, don't tell me that shyt in the first 48 hours.  I guess I'm weird like that because that sends up the red flag really quick.  Dudes confessing like that to me mad early are usually really sensitive or end up being a pain in the azz.  Believe me I know.

Anyway, we'll see.  I am a mean woman aren't I?  Yeah I know.  I don't mind a Sugar Daddy, as long as you ain't literally made of sugar --- and cookies, fried chicken, donuts, and everything else.  He has potential, but my friend always says that "Potential is for seventeen year olds."  Ouch.  I always remember that whenever I put 'he' and 'potential' in the same sentence.  Sigh.  Too bad.

Post is getting long so I'll end it.  I have a lot more to talk about like the Facebook Stalker, going in for the kill on those bullshyt attorneys that I had and other snipets....but I'll just come back lata.

By the way, I hate this apartment. 

Can Chicken Wings Be Sexy?

Cougar chillin at a lil spot in NYC.

Is it my birthday because dudes actually have shirts on with a collar?!!! 

Got me a free drink from some random fella. Kewl.

Thinking about ordering some wings and biting on them real sexy like....

LOL.

Not Tryna e-Beef Witcha Gurl...

Hi Ms Virginia,

I got your post. I didn't really read all of it honestly as it was really long. You know only what I write here. You don't know why I had that money with me when it was taken. Who said I was walking around with it anyway? Lol.

I have done a lot in my life and maybe one day I'll talk about it.  I have had successes and failures just like anyone else.  Unfortunately you can only glean so much from what I write and maybe your assumptions may make sense given what I have said.

Whew but anyway if your post was intended to hurt it didn't. Why not? Because you don't know me well enough to say half the things I saw when I briefly scanned your letter.

But I did see that you liked my blog though.  I see that u read a lot of it bc u referred to many things.  I'll just focus on that and ignore the rest.   You're right, I am real on this blog.  So real that I have opened myself up to be criticized; but I guess that's the risk you take when you talk in bloggerworld.  It's actually allright because it just thickens your skin up if anything.  But to tell you the truth, it is waaaay too hot in NYC to get worked up about it today!  It was so humid that the lining of my dress was sticking to me so tight that it felt like a onesie.  That's not quite the way most females like to get moist and wet.  Crazee.
Anyway Ms. VA, good luck at your university and sorry to see you go.  Peace.

And life goes on.   

Meanwhile back to the hustle...

I know that this is boring stuff, but I got a great call today giving me a real nice referral for my other consulting biz that I started when I had my first business open.  I was so happy that I started doing my little soul clap in the car.  I need that loot too.  Finished up two other assignments last week too for another client and he's going to contract me for his other two businesses as well.  Now that's wassup!

I'm hustlin', hustlin', hustlin'.  Always until the day I die!

Mary J. Blige says it best:

Back off of me

The negativity
Don’t want to hear what you say
I’m a dance away my drama…
So you best get out my way
Hey, hey, hey


I feel good, like the moon is shining just for me
(The moon is shining just for me)
Tonight I’m fly as I can be
(Tonight I’m fly as I can be)
Don’t you try to bring me down, though it’s not like you could
(It’s not like you could)


I feel good

And that completes the 100th entry of my diary.  
Fantastico!