Day #479: Blackout.

I decided that I needed some d*ck yesterday.  In the back of my mind I knew I shouldn't have really told dude to come over, but I did anyway.  But I was just soooo horny.  My libido has gone to such new heights that it is almost scary.  I'm CONSTANTLY using the toy and the vibrator.  Constantly imagining d*ck in my head.  If I had a boyfriend I would probably wear his weenie out from being on it all the time.  I have no idea what's going on.

So after I told him to come over I go to the store to buy me some stuff to make drinks with.  I had to work later that night at the bar, but I wanted to get a buzz on so that I wouldn't think too much about the guy while we were doing it.  He's not ugly and is actually very mild mannered...but I just didn't want to see HIM.  I didn't want to comprehend HIM.  I was determined to not make HIM count.  Make HIM worthless.  Like I have been made to feel recently by....that man. 

He arrives.  I start drinking margaritas and taking Patron shots like crazy.  I started drinking his vodka drink too.  Then I kissed him.  I swore I would never kiss him but I did.  That was a sign for me to stop, but I didn't.  I remember picking up the vibrator and talking about it. 

Then everything goes black.  I don't remember anything else except the sun being out.

The next thing you know it was seven o'clock and it was dark.  I was supposed to be at the bar at 8, but I couldn't move.  I was throwing up repeatedly.  I managed to get into some clothes and I put on my coat.  I fell to the floor and couldn't get up.  Dude is there trying to help but I'm done.  I couldn't even go to the bar and had to call out!  I f*cked up and lost that money last night and I was pissed.  PISSED.

I missed my money all over trying to get buzzed before dealing with this brutha.  Ridiculous.  This morning I was up and saw an empty condom package on the dresser. 

I thought I was too f*cked up to actually f*ck?  Or was I? 

I called dude and asked him why did he use one of my rubbers.  He said I gave it to him.  Um, ok then I was really f*cked up cuz that was a MAGNUM condom wrapper on my dresser.  No way if I was sober would I had given him a MAGNUM cuz he certainly didn't roll with that kind of package.  His shyt can fit in a regular azz condom with no problem.  There was absolutely no need to pull out the big guns for this brutha, but maybe in my drunkenness I saw something different...or was wishing that it was?

So I keep saying to him, "No I didn't give you that condom.  Those condoms don't fit you anyway."

(Yeah I know that was f*cked up to say.  But I did.)

"Yes you did give it to me.  And it did fit.  We f*cked."

"No we didn't."

"Yes we did.  You knew why I was coming over.  We f*cked a lot."

"We did?"

Then he told me what we did, what I said, how I screamed (yeah right), and everything.  He said I was even rattling off lottery numbers (well dayum?).  He told me that eventually I said that I wasn't feeling good and he stopped.  He had to carry me to bathroom because I was bumping into stuff and was falling down.  And I don't remember any of it.  In all my life I have never NOT remembered screwing some dude the next day.  I drank way too much and too fast and I felt awful.  I missed my money too.  It all was just dumb.

I went to the therapist today and I told her what happened.  She asked me why did I need to get drunk to f*ck someone in the first place.  She said if I needed to do alla that then I should have just masturbated and left his azz alone.  I told her about feeling worthless, about Pretty Brown, and that I just wanted to f*ck and erase the face of the man.  But it went too far.  I ended up erasing the whole encounter from my memory!  So should i say mission accomplished?  I guess? 


Yeah I admit that this was all very bad and I didn't use good judgment given that I had to work that evening.  I am also lucky that I know the guy too because who knows what could have happened.  We all make mistakes.  I f*cked up --- BIG TIME. 

I won't ever drink like that again.  Neither his d*ck or missing my money was worth it.  I may not feel worthless from the sex part because I really don't give a f*ck about that.  Ok so I don't remember the sex either - cool.  But my pockets could have been $200 heavier today.  Now that I will remember.

Damn girl.  What the f*ck was I thinking?!!!