Monday, January 17, 2011

Day #479: Blackout.

I decided that I needed some d*ck yesterday.  In the back of my mind I knew I shouldn't have really told dude to come over, but I did anyway.  But I was just soooo horny.  My libido has gone to such new heights that it is almost scary.  I'm CONSTANTLY using the toy and the vibrator.  Constantly imagining d*ck in my head.  If I had a boyfriend I would probably wear his weenie out from being on it all the time.  I have no idea what's going on.

So after I told him to come over I go to the store to buy me some stuff to make drinks with.  I had to work later that night at the bar, but I wanted to get a buzz on so that I wouldn't think too much about the guy while we were doing it.  He's not ugly and is actually very mild mannered...but I just didn't want to see HIM.  I didn't want to comprehend HIM.  I was determined to not make HIM count.  Make HIM worthless.  Like I have been made to feel recently by....that man

He arrives.  I start drinking margaritas and taking Patron shots like crazy.  I started drinking his vodka drink too.  Then I kissed him.  I swore I would never kiss him but I did.  That was a sign for me to stop, but I didn't.  I remember picking up the vibrator and talking about it. 

Then everything goes black.  I don't remember anything else except the sun being out.

The next thing you know it was seven o'clock and it was dark.  I was supposed to be at the bar at 8, but I couldn't move.  I was throwing up repeatedly.  I managed to get into some clothes and I put on my coat.  I fell to the floor and couldn't get up.  Dude is there trying to help but I'm done.  I couldn't even go to the bar and had to call out!  I f*cked up and lost that money last night and I was pissed.  PISSED.

I missed my money all over trying to get buzzed before dealing with this brutha.  Ridiculous.  This morning I was up and saw an empty condom package on the dresser. 

I thought I was too f*cked up to actually f*ck?  Or was I? 

I called dude and asked him why did he use one of my rubbers.  He said I gave it to him.  Um, ok then I was really f*cked up cuz that was a MAGNUM condom wrapper on my dresser.  No way if I was sober would I had given him a MAGNUM cuz he certainly didn't roll with that kind of package.  His shyt can fit in a regular azz condom with no problem.  There was absolutely no need to pull out the big guns for this brutha, but maybe in my drunkenness I saw something different...or was wishing that it was?

So I keep saying to him, "No I didn't give you that condom.  Those condoms don't fit you anyway."

(Yeah I know that was f*cked up to say.  But I did.)

"Yes you did give it to me.  And it did fit.  We f*cked."

"No we didn't."

"Yes we did.  You knew why I was coming over.  We f*cked a lot."

"We did?"

Then he told me what we did, what I said, how I screamed (yeah right), and everything.  He said I was even rattling off lottery numbers (well dayum?).  He told me that eventually I said that I wasn't feeling good and he stopped.  He had to carry me to bathroom because I was bumping into stuff and was falling down.  And I don't remember any of it.  In all my life I have never NOT remembered screwing some dude the next day.  I drank way too much and too fast and I felt awful.  I missed my money too.  It all was just dumb.

I went to the therapist today and I told her what happened.  She asked me why did I need to get drunk to f*ck someone in the first place.  She said if I needed to do alla that then I should have just masturbated and left his azz alone.  I told her about feeling worthless, about Pretty Brown, and that I just wanted to f*ck and erase the face of the man.  But it went too far.  I ended up erasing the whole encounter from my memory!  So should i say mission accomplished?  I guess? 

Yeah I admit that this was all very bad and I didn't use good judgment given that I had to work that evening.  I am also lucky that I know the guy too because who knows what could have happened.  We all make mistakes.  I f*cked up --- BIG TIME. 

I won't ever drink like that again.  Neither his d*ck or missing my money was worth it.  I may not feel worthless from the sex part because I really don't give a f*ck about that.  Ok so I don't remember the sex either - cool.  But my pockets could have been $200 heavier today.  Now that I will remember.

Damn girl.  What the f*ck was I thinking?!!!


  1. I have been there once and done that...I couldn't really face what i was doing so i drowned it out with was one of the most scariest aftermath ever. I think we often try to apply what someone is doing to us to other people well that is certainly how i ended up vodka up and praying to mr. toliet...we just want someone else to feel they we feel.

  2. "I think we often try to apply what someone is doing to us to other people"


  3. This ordeal sounds very scary! I'm glad you ended up only calling Earl and it not being something much more serious. Like your therapist said, next time just "love yourself" girl...that is much more safer!

  4. Okay sista girl I'm glad you are safe! But please stick to what you said and don't do that again. It does sound very scary. Can you really trust since you can't remember anything that he wouldn't do something crazy to you???? Yeah lurve on yourself! :) (((HUGS)))

  5. Hey Gorgeous...

    Nah he didn't do anything crazy. I'm positive of that. Hell I couldn't even feel if we did anything and I kept asking if he was telling me the truth. He is more bothered that I don't remember than I am. Who wants to be forgettable like that?

    I was just drunk. Too drunk. Never really drink Patron anyway, someone gave it to me as a gift. Didn't know it could hit me like that, plus what I ate while drinking really wasn't substantial enough. Then I had been up since 4am too. This was like 2pm or so. I had planned on taking a nap while he was there anyway. It's just that the alcohol and lack of sleep and lack of good food messed me up.

  6. me an unfollower today. Yikes. Oh well. That's a bummer.

  7. Hey chica! Like everyone mentioned above, I'm glad you're safe. Why dude didn't realize you weren't your normal self is beyond me, although I did giggle at your response to him about the condoms. Self loving would've been much better, but don't beat yourself up about it...just a lesson learned.

  8. Obviously your "unfollower" should not be missed just as pretty brown should not. As long as you have folks like CG and the others on this page there is no reason to feel anything but hopeful. I'll reserve my comments to just BE SAFE OUT THERE - if you live long enough you will have been where you were (past tense)!! Hopefully you got it out your system.