Monday, May 16, 2011

Day #593: Aiight. Aiight.

I think this was the longest time between posts in a while.  I fell off.

Going to the therapist today.  Don't feel like it but she just sent me a text telling me to come in today.  It's raining and crap so I gotta walk out on these NYC streets with a million people and their damn umbrellas.

I'm starting to have some crazy thoughts.  They don't make sense.  On top of that, either my hearing is going or I am hearing things that aren't being said.  Or it could be that the same person is telling me they didn't say something when they actually did, and when I come back later and ask them they tell me they didn't.  Then I'm not even sure what happened anymore and can't remember.  If I tell the therapist about it she is gonna ask me to describe the thoughts, and I don't even remember anything other than that they were weird.  So how the session will go I don't know.

Supposed to have a date with a new person from Match.  I think he might fake though.  That's fine with me.  But if we do go out I'll be bloggin on his azz just like Popeye/The Munchkin.  Oooh!  I forgot to say that I kissed him - or rather he kissed me.  It was pretty good and I'll give him a 8.5.   He got all in my face with this goofy azz smile so I guess that was his way of initiating the lip lock session.  I didn't like that too much and kept it short.  Still trying to decide what to do with his short azz.  If he is gonna be on the dick roster, I don't kiss dudes that I am considering for that anyway.

Cardinal Rule No.2 for
a D*ck Roster Candidate:

Never kiss them more than two or three times, and if you do it is only to assess his screw potential.  Kissing can sometimes (key word: sometimes) indicate how good he is in bed, so it's okay at first.  But once you start screwing cut it out completely.  Kissing is affectionate, and can make people catch feelings.  The only thing you need to feel is his little monster - and if you want tongue let him put it on your coochie.  That's it.


I guess I have been thinking getting older.  My body is changing.  I actually lost weight and now I have those Josephine Baker boobs again.  Boo.  Not hot.
Kim said she saw a gray hair on her coochie a few months ago.  OMG!  We are the same age too.  I can't deal.  We laughed about it but damn.  Who wants a salt and pepper pussy?  Not me!    If that happens maybe I'll get one of those black hair rinses and dye mine?  Or keep it shaved?  I have had a gray hair or two in my eyebrows and one on my chin but that's about it.  Chile I think I would pass out if I saw a gray hair on my coochie right now.

Women turn into men when we get older -- at least on the facial and leg hair tip.  Estrogen takes a dip big time I guess.  Now it makes sense to me why I see those old ladies with chin whiskers and big old moustaches.  I think that they gave up trying to pluck that shyt!  The hair comes like weeds now.  You can't keep up!  I have to check my chin damn near every other day, and I used to never have to pluck hairs off my chin at the rate I'm doing it now.   I even carry tweezers in my purse in case of an emergency so I am not walking around looking like a goddamn spider.  Shaving my legs more often too.  It's definitely more work to try to maintain my sexy, and I think some women just give up and say, "F*ck it, just let it grow."  So if you weren't into keeping yourself up when you're young you're really gonna not do it when you get older - hence is the reason why I see so many whiskered women at Walmart.  Female moustaches are the pits, but I see all ages at the eyebrow threading spot everytime I go.  All races too.  So it's definitely a normal thing for most females it seems.  Do guys really trip on that?  I wonder.  Chipotle says a moustache on a woman makes her look intelligent.  LOL.  Yeah ok whatever.  I'm sure he is in the minority on that one.

NOW HERE'S A NEWSFLASH!!!!  I think I am actually attracted to a fat man.  Yep, who knew???  He is the security guy at the bar where I work.  He is like 6'4" or something and has the big ol' stomach but he is solid.  Looks like he can protect a girl and pound a nucca right in the damn ground.  I melt like butter when  I see him mean mug somebody too.  Damn that's some sexy shyt to me.  He is only about 27 though but that's okay.  I drop him off every now and then, and the other night we sat and talked until almost 4:30am in the car.  I got the vibe before that he was diggin on me, and in the car he was touching my face and ear and alla that and I was feeling all fluttery inside.  I guess those big, strong hands put a little spell on me.  He was confessing his indiscretions that he had with this big lawyer, city council chick who comes in the bar sometimes.  I call her The Real Roxanne cuz chick can actually rap!  She was in karaoke last week and killed it.  Then went back to mingling with folks in her expensive suit sipping her Perrier water.  Anyway Big Tops was telling me all about their little fling and how she was getting caught up but he has a girl.  Even though he was talking about cheating he still was looking real good to me for some reason.  Real good.  But for real doe, how do you get it in with a man that's 300 pounds?  How?  Hmmm....I wonder.  Whatever he did to her got her feenin' that's for sure.  Would I f*ck him?  Yeah, I probably would.  Just to see.  But dealing with people in that bar is just too messy so I don't know.

OFFICIAL STATEMENT - Pretty Brown is now the Tin Man.  Thanks rellirells for putting me up on that term.  I think it fits him perfectly.  In the Wizard of Oz, what was the Tin Man missing?  Exactly! Ain't nothing pretty about that so he has been stripped of that name.  We were supposed to talk the other day and when he was supposed to call he didn't.  When I sent him a text his response was, "Oh sorry babe...I forgot the playoffs were on tonight."  That's cold.  I had to pick my face up off the floor.  I wasn't gonna write that and put that out to the world but yep, that's what he said.  We are over anyway but I still set myself up and let this nucca continue to shyt on my feelings.  Stupid.  Oh well, I tried to keep it classy with him but it's just a hopeless case.   I'm too fly for his shyt Mr. Tin Man.  So now you made it where we can't even talk.  High school bullshyt.

But all is not lost!  Just as I was about to hang up my cougar paws, I met a tasty looking morsel while bartending Saturday night.  He was a sweet looking, dark chocolate Tenderoni, and when I saw him I couldn't help but lick my whiskers (Literaly too.  My moustache needed a trim.  LOL.) If he was even 23 I'd be suprised.  Basic guy.  Not thugged out.  Looked a little nerdy actually.  Yum.  Cute nerdy guys are so hot to me!  I told him he was cute and then switched by him in my shiny little pants.  (Yep, those are them in that picture.)  It worked too.  Got the number so maybe I'll ring him up....

And the rest....moving at the end of the month; got accepted to funeral school; bought a new toy --- but it's not very good.  :(  It takes waaaayyy too long for it to get me where I'm trying to go.   Damn.  I guess next time I need to invest more than seven bucks to try to get myself off.

Back lata.  Let's see if the Match date works out for tonight.

UPDATE:  Ok the date is on.  Already calling me baby and this is the first date so I'm not liking that too tough.  My Spidey Sense is tingling...

Therapy session was good.  Learned a new term...low functioning.  I babbled about Tin Man the whole session and we both decided that he has issues.  She broke it down and it's all clear now.  She said that ok cool, I liked the dude and it's okay to talk about what I liked about him.  But she said don't just say, "I like him."  Be specific about what I like, and then remind myself what I don't like also.  I don't like all of him, just some of him.  I like that he is fine, makes me laugh, works hard, and is great lover.  But I have to remember what I don't like - his unavailability, his arrogance, his self-centeredness, his unreliability - and that is why he could never be good for me.  What I like doesn't outweigh what I don't like.  If I remember that, then I won't GLORIFY him in my mind anymore and make him seem to be this great love in my mind.  Again, she said don't just say, "I like him" or "I love him" and make it that simple, cuz it's not.  Then she asked me flat out why would I want to date a guy like him anyway.  He's like the boy in grade school that likes you but then hits you with a rock and makes you cry.  He is just like a bad apartment in a beautiful neighborhood she said.  The outside is nice, but who gives a fluck about that when the inside of your apartment is full of roaches and stinks like shyt???

So in summary, on the outside he's cool, but on the inside he's just f*cked up.  And at his age, he ain't gonna change.  In this society, men don't usually have to the therapist said.  Why?  Because they will always find a woman that will put up with it - just the way they are.  As long as they are halfway good looking and can serve good d*ck, they will find another dumb chick to fall for them in fifteen minutes.  And just like that, YOU WILL BE REPLACED.  They won't be alone and they know it, so therefore they don't need to change one bit.

That's just the way a man has it in this world she said. 

And ya know what, I'm thinking she might be right.
WTF happened to my layout and my fonts?  Blogger is buggin.


  1. Uhm..I dig on fat men, LOL. I dated them up until I got married and hubby is surprisingly medium build. I'd love Josephine Baker boobs! Mine sat up nicely.. when I was 15! *tears*

  2. Damn you got those pants :)

  3. I guarantee you if you walk around in those pants you will have a line of foxy browns, of all age's, races, and incomes, around the block following you. So I don't get it, listen to your therapist. From a mans POV - or should I say from your own POV - if somebody thinks you act "thirsty" then they will play you for all it's worth just because they can. You working with to much for that - have fun with it! -jb

  4. We talked about him being 'low functioning', scared to get close, and just overall have issues with relationships. It's all about him and his world. He has zero regard for others feelings or the promises he makes. I take the feeling of what joy he did bring me, and look for that in ANOTHER person who CAN function in a relationship situation. That's the take away from my therapy session today.

  5. Hey Shaboogie...yeah see...those look like 15 year old girl boobs. I don't likey. And yes, my headlights do stay on so I wear padded bras. But Chipotle said once that any more than a mouthful is a waste. LOL. He was being nice.

  6. Actually jb that first post was to you.

    What don't you get? I didn't understand that comment???

    I wasn't acting thirsty though. It wasn't me that was the problem except for trying to give him chances. We discussed that today. Now after this, if I go back then it is me acting thirsty and I am allowing myself to be played. I don't hound him or want him to be around me all of the time. That's not even my style - the dude either wants to kick it or he doesn't. I ask, you say no, then I get another one to say yeah. The thing is that I really wanted to spend time with him so there really wasn't an alternate for him in my mind. But that's changing...asap. I never stopped dating others even while kicking it with him, bc I he never made a committment or was deserving of me being exclusive to him. I've met some cool guys over the past eight months, and I hoped we could work it out, but now I see that he really has some issues about some things. I want to say he wasn't digging me, but I suspect that it is NOT just me, and just the way he is. Hey, it was cool when it was good, and horrible when it wasn't. I learned a lot. I felt love. It felt good. Maybe it can happen again?


  7. Hey Shaboogie...did you do it with the big boys? Gurl how?

  8. oh really...the lights stay on huh. not a bad thing lol. A lot going on with you eyes...a whole lot. I'll shall continue to check in with you. Have a lot of dating going on, I'm glad I;m married actually. I hear it's hard out there.

  9. “Kim said she saw a gray hair on her coochie a few months ago.”

    “Chile I think I would pass out if I saw a gray hair on my coochie right now.”

    Girl that is my worst fear! Gray hair down there just screams “old coochie” to me…UGH! Oh and I hate the word coochie…always have. You don’t even wanna know the generic ass name I call my cooch…LOL

    As for the Josephine Baker tits, I'm headed that route too.

    One thing about becoming more mature is that I'm sooo horny ALL.THE.DAMN.TIME. Too bad I'm not getting any. Le Sigh!

  10. As a fat man, I'm down for women wanting to get down with the heavyweights. We're very popular in cold weather cities because of our cuddling capabilties. Nothing like a teddy bear that can curl your toes.

  11. I like the apartment analogy...I definitely need to remember that...

  12. Hey jetaime! Yeah I am not a fan of the p*ssy word saying coochie is way more comfortable for me. I know some ppl say "pocketbook" or "va-jay-jay". But as for the gray hair, hey it could happen as ya age. But I guess dudes must get grays down there too eh?

    Oh and about the hornier with age thing. Oh my gosh! It's so true, it's so true. I have definitely done a 180 on the libido tip. The toy helps a lot.

    a Thank. Q. - Thanks for reading. I hope you come back. Yeah I dunno what will happen with Big Tops. He's a cutie.

    And to Rembrandt! I am so humbled by your presence on a second blog post. :) Really I am. I really, really hope you do come by the blog every now and then and check in.

    Yeah I know it seems that I am all over the place - and I am. Yeah I date here and there. I am the definitely doing the Single in the City thang. I did meet someone that I would have done the monogamus thing with, but it didn't work out. Like you said, it is hard out here. But there are sooo many single people it ain't even funny. Match just has hundreds and hundreds in this area it's crazy. One day maybe it will change for me - time will tell.

  13. "So in summary, on the outside he's cool, but on the inside he's just f*cked up. And at his age, he ain't gonna change. "



  14. Hey! I hope your girls like the blog somewhat? Lemme know.

    Nah my Tin Man is my age without kids. But if he did have kids that wld be another excuse he would give me on top of everything else. Girl they always find something.

  15. ^ but they all seem to do the same shyt but SWEAR they are soooo different.

  16. Long time, no post. What's up?

  17. Hey! Thank, Q! Well I posted about a week or so ago but before the hOliday weekend is done I will. Thanks for letting me know u were looking for me! That made smile. Trying to decide what I am gonna talk about next. :/. I'm on it. I'm on it. Smooches!