My "Damn I Wish" List

I'm sitting here at work eating the mac and cheese I made at home with some macaroni that I have had for who knows how long.  But it was edible.  I'm cooking everything in the cabinets and the fridge nowadays and they are slowly getting bare.

I can't really search for jobs and stuff like I used to at work after the Big Brother call the other day.  I had a vision that this job told me that I was fired and I directly went out to the balcony here and just jumped over the edge.  I had to shake those thoughts off.  So to get my mind of off such morbid things and instead of blogging about other stuff in the world, I'm going to take a turn from the broke thing and make a wish list.  This is really a procrastination move as I was supposed to make a new doctor's appointment.  But scheduling the Pap Smear can never be more important than me blogging about myself right?  :-)

The list is more about what I wished I would have done in my life since I'll be 40 years old in less than 40 days. 

TWENTY THINGS I HAVE TO SAY "DAMN I WISH..." ABOUT...

1. Damn I wish I would have used some of the buyout money I got at Motorola a few years ago to get a nose job.  Seriously.
2. Damn I wish I would have tried out for the pom-pom team in high school.  But I thought I was not cute enough to try out.  Actually someone encouraged me once but I still didn't do it.
3. Damn I wish I would have never bought and wore shoes that were too tight because now I have corns.  And when I tried to solve the corn problem, I wish I would have noticed that the doctor who worked on my feet back in 1994 had left one of my toes too long and now I have to go back and have the corn removed again!  Arggghhh
4. Damn I wish I would have tried out for commercials and TV shows when I was in grade school.
5. Damn I wish I would have minored in Television or Media Studies at Rutgers while working on the Engineering degree.
6. Damn I wish I would have taken that teaching scholarship at Lewis and Clark College in Portland and got my Master's Degree in teaching.  But I was too chicken about being broke again after my first stint at full time teaching and didn't do it.  That was a BIG mistake to turn that down.  BIG.
7. Damn I wish I would have went abroad for one summer during college. 
8. Damn I wish I would have taken more pictures of people in high school and college and kept a better scrap book.  But I hated pictures myself so it was quite natural that I had no interest in taking pictures of others I guess.
9. Damn I wish I would have called my father at least once every two weeks to check in and say Hi.  Now that he's gone I regret that.
10. Damn I wish I would have never invited my cousin "J" to work with me last summer because she just wasted my money and my time.
11. Damn I wish that I didn't have to close my business in July.  This hurts me so bad.
12. Damn I wish I had the ability to have a voice that was culturally unidentifiable when I call people on the phone to take care of business.  It always seems that I have to work my way up to a person's level in phone conversations.
13. Damn I wish I would have never picked that damn mall to open my business.  I also wish I would have never picked the new location to move my business into because it cost me $25K and a bunch of legal drama that I am still going through.
14. Damn I wish I would have never taken that money to the restaurant with me the night I got robbed.  The man stole $28K from me.
15. Damn I wish I never applied for more than one credit card.  I mean I had 13 in college at one time, including a gas card and I didn't even have a car.  Pitiful.  I wish my parents would have said SOMETHING about credit and saving.  They never did.
16. Damn I wish I kept up with my violin so that I could play in the subway and hustle for dollars right now.
17. Damn I wish I had started my business ventures when I was in college.
18. Damn I wish my cousin Kim wouldn't have gotten killed.  She was so much fun!!!
19. Damn I kinda wish I didn't get my cat 15 years ago because living with cat hair is a beotch!
20. Damn I wish I could get my revenge on the person who put peanuts in my gas tank this past summer.  That crap cost me $700 - money I did not have okay.  Only one person I know could be that crazy, and she is one of my ex-employees.  Maybe one day...

Ok so there it is.  Feels good to look at this list, but there are so many things that I can't do anything about.  That time has passed.  I am getting old and I'm still struggling.  Does it end only when you die?  Seems that way.

Anywho...lemme schedule this Pap Smear.  I'm way overdue and I need to stop playing.

Broke Antidote #4: Meet Me a Man With Money in His Hand

"Cause ain't nothing going on but the rent." 

Remember that song? 

I was walking home after disembarking from the slave ship, and I thought about my friend saying she met a cutie on Match.com.  Then I was saying to myself how I might do it to meet new people.  I think I have had my share of my gangsta, Timberland wearing types for now. 

Hey, what if one of them is like an entertainment industry guy or a Wall Street fella?  If I can't make the paper myself, I'll find someone with enough paper to give me a little.  So this week I am gonna enroll!  I hope there are some cuties with some loot please.  My biggest concern is that they will be pint sized.  The internet fellas often are.

Day #10: That thing about Big Brother is Watching? It is Really True.

Ok for weeks I have been looking for a part time job, but I decided to go on Monster.com and CareerBuilder.com and post my resume in the case someone my contact me about a better paying job altogether.  I put them out there on Saturday.  So Sunday night I'm on the phone yapping and I see a call come through from another state.  I didn't recognize the number so I thought it was a bill collector or something.  Then I see the message, "Voicemail Waiting".  I was still yapping on the phone then the call dropped.  So I decided to go and check my message real quick to see what was up.  Ok, why was it my someone from my current job?  They saw that I had posted my resume on the damn sites!   It seems that employers get a damn alert message when the you have your current company listed in your profile.  So those damn job sites lets the jobs know that you are looking and sends them a damn email too!  Motherfuccas at Monster and Careerbuilder!  They are tattletales!  I was bugging out.  So I immediately changed the status of my resumes to 'private' until I can come up with another game plan.  I like to have my resume out there because people can call me instead of me applying to everything.  Shoot, that is how I got half of my jobs, through someone seeing my resume on one of those sites.  Ain't that some shyt?!  Man you are never too old to learn something.  The job search game is really a trip right now.  But I have a way to work around this I think.  That's been my ace in the hole having my resume posted for public view.  I'll give my backup plan a shot.  I just gotta work around Big Brother eyes I guess.

My room stinks.  Why?  Because my cat's box is dirty and I don't have the money for the cat litter.  So when it gets dirty his furry ass will start peeing on the floor and in my closet with my damn shoes.  I lit some candles to mask the smell.  Yeah I know it's ghetto but what am I supposed to do?  Sit in the funk?  Then I thought that I might have some leftover quarters to buy some litter tomorrow, but that means I may not be able to buy my $3 worth of lottery tickets.  Damn, damn, damn!  Payday is three days away...I'm holding on.  I think my pay raise stuff came today at work for my manager.  I held the envelope up to the light but I couldn't see the numbers so I guess I gotta wait.  I wonder what I'm gonna get.  He may not even come in this week....boo.

Ooh blessings came to me today!  I got another check from the DOL for the program that I was participating in with my business.  It paid half of one of my employees salary.  So it was $340!  I was like great!  Thank the Lord, thank the Lord.  I didn't have that check 10 minutes and I was at the bank with it.

BOA has my cell phone number.  Crap.  Now they are calling that.  It started today.  I don't have anything to tell them right now.  I have two appointments this week.  One is with a non-profit to discuss my situation and see how they can help me with bankruptcy options.  Then I have another one with an attorney.  Man they want a $100 retainer fee at the starting gate.  That meeting may not happen just because of that so I'll just postpone it. 

I met my buddy Hugh from college yesterday and we met for a couple of drinks.  I needed that little buzz for real.  I was asking him why do people have kids since he had two boys.  I said that I wondered why my mother had me.  I mean, is this what she wanted for me?  To just grow up and work my life away and then die?  Everyday I ride the bus a.k.a the 'slave ship' that docks at the Port Authority with the hundreds of other slave ships coming from all points in NJ and PA.  The only difference is that it not just Black people on them.  Then what kills me is that at night I see the SAME folks that I saw in the morning boarding the slave ships again to go home.  This can't be my destiny!  Now I understand why people become bums sometimes.  They don't have to worry about bills, being to work on time, etc.  They are a truly free and I must admit I might be a little jelly (jealous) of that.

I'm telling you, this time next year things better be happening for me.  Otherwise, I might be outta this area because I may as well go back home if I'm going to be in NYC just to work a job.  Shoot I can do that in Chicago and be close to the fam and some Chi-style hot dogs and pizza.  Big decisions to make.

Broke Antidote #3: M&M Day - McDonalds and Michael Jackson

I was combing through the craigslist ads and picking out a few morsels that I would apply to later when I got home.  Bartending, catering, admin jobs, etc.  But I couldn't get this poster out of my mind that I saw in the window at the McDonalds next to the therapist's office earlier this week.  So then I said, "What the hell.  Let's see if McDonald's calls me."  So I went online and applied.  They had like 35 questions for you to answer!  Mostly about like was I late in high school and did I turn in my homework.  Stuff like that!  Hell yeah I was late to school, and been late to almost everything ever since - even job interviews.  It's a curse.  I was kinda trippin' on the questions but I went ahead applied for the cashier job though.  Pay range $7.15 - $8.15 per hour. 


Imagine that!  I'm about to hit 40 years old and never in my life have I applied to McDonald's.  I mean I worked at Popeye's Chicken when I was like 15 but that was my first job.  My cousins had worked there and hooked me up.  I remember there was an asshole manager there who said to me once, "Does your entire family have those big noses?"  I didn't know what to say.  As I teenager I was all self-conscious anyway and had a phobia about the way I looked, so when he said that to me I was crushed.  I went home and told my mother about it, and she told me "Well, I woulda said what does my nose have to do with making this chicken?"  But of course it was too late for all that.  The damage was done.  My job basically consisted of washing dishes and making biscuits in the back while the cute chicks worked in the front.  Ahhh, the memories....

So anyhow let's see if I get a call...

My entrepreneur friend Sam called me and I told him that I was looking for a second job.  He reminded me that I am an entrepreneur and need to find my own way of making money.  He's right.  So then my thoughts shifted to ways to make money on my own.  But I've been thinking about it..what can I do without any loot? Shyt, all I know how to do right now is make people mad at me.  LOL.  Can I get paid for that?  Maybe I'll be the Blogger Bitch (there I go with the 'B' word again, but it is very colorful I must say) in cyberspace? 

But in the mean time, I have the last of my MJ posters I gotta sell....

I just have a handful, so I'll post on some places and hope that eventually I'll unload them.  This weekend for sure!  I have some books and a dress or two and see what happens with those too.  I have also tried to sell some of the business stuff, and thought I had a bite on a copy machine that I put on Ebay.  But he faked on me when he got here.  Had the nerve to tell me he looked like Al B. Sure when I made arrangements to meet him.  Al B. Sure, who is SO IRRELEVANT right now.  So this comparison to himself was quite fitting.  I guess I was supposed to swoon over that information especially when I didn't ask what he looked like anyway.  This wasn't a blind date you goon; you are buying a copy machine!  I guess he was getting his sites mixed up and he forgot that he went to Ebay.com and thought he found me on Match.com.  But when I saw him he was a complete gremlin okay!  He had the light skinned part right on the Al B. Sure thing...but he had boobs and a pot ass belly.  Nuh uh!!  He looked more like Al Roker than Al B. Sure if you ask me.  Creep.

Day 4, Part II: Changed the name of the blog

It is now the Diary of a Broke Ass Woman - at least until I find something better.  Not as interesting as Diary of a Broke Bitch, but that bitch thing was too much to describe a classy lady like myself.  To be broke AND a bitch was too much of a kick in the head. 

Well so much for keeping it gangsta like I said on Day One. 

Why did I dream last night that I broke into this girl's house who I sued in court and lost to a couple of years ago?  And guess what I stole...nothing!!  I think I was watching TV in the dream or something like that.  Very weird.  I can't even keep it gangsta in a dream.  I guess it just ain't in me.

Day 4: Getting Happy Over $15!

People think I'm kidding about this or something.  Jose wanted me to pay the parking ticket that he got on my other car until we caught up with each other.  The ticket was $34 and I told him that I didn't have $34.  He said, "What!  You're going backwards!"  I then said, "And why is that?  Because of the business."   I told him about the blog and he said he didn't want to read it because it was probably going to be depressing.  Depressing for who?  Him?  Why when the shyt is happening to me?  If you're gonna be depressed then how do you think I feel?  Jose is tripping.  Anyhow, Jose gave me an extra $15 with the money for the ticket. Jose said to use it to buy something special for lunch.  So tomorrow I will splurge and buy me some Qdoba take out for $9 and a $5 scratch off ticket.  Or maybe I will just buy the scratch offs and another Mega ticket.  Woo hoo!

Wait.  Mic check.  Am I really celebrating fifteen dollars right now?

Ok I did a little something today on the credit end of things.  I called BOA and told them I would try to catch up in October.  I'm three months behind with them.  By that time I would have met with the credit counseling place again (the NFCC) and see what they say about the bankruptcy thing.  So I'm stalling for time...

I called Discover because they raised my interest rate to 17.9% from 11.24% because I had a late payment back in July.  They put it back at 11.24% because I told the rep that 18% on $10K is not gonna work for me.  Come to find out they changed the billing cycle and that changed the regular due date that I was used to.  The call was actually easier than I thought because my reason was apparently valid. 

Wait.  Mic check.  Aww crap, did I call BOA from my work damn phone?  I just thought about it.  I did!!! Now they might start calling there.  Dang it.  That was dumb, just dumb.

But what was also dumb was that I wore full bloomers with some tight ass biker shorts to gym class today.  It looked like I was wearing a Pull Up diaper because the shorts were tight around my butt which emphasized the damn panty lines.  And to top it all off the shorts were hot pink and my shirt was too little for me making me stand out even more!!  And then the teacher had me in the front row of the class doing squats so that my butt and Pull Up panty lines were on full display for the whole damn class.  I went ahead and worked out though, but I was running to the locker room to get out of that get up.

Then get to the house and there was that damn skunk by the garbage cans again.  Two feet away from me.  I ran to open the door to the house and the lock was stuck.  Same thing that happened before when I saw that skunk.  It seems that only on the day the skunk is nearby is when I can't get the damn door open.  Go figure.

Broke Antidote #2: Get Paid to Clean Up After My Roommate & Acting Like Sybil/

Kim asked me what I was doing for my 40th birthday. I told her that I have nothing to celebrate. Then she said, "You're alive! You're breathing! You should be thankful for that." I then said I should be having a party everyday because I breathe everyday. I told the therapist that and she laughed.

Got a collection notice for the damn internet service. I don't know why every year 1&1 internet has the problem with me. Idiots. The bill is like $20 but they always send it to collections.

The mornings are getting worse for me. I can't get out of the bed. Then when I do get out of the bed and go into the bathroom, I am greeted by the hairs from my roommate's head in the tub, on the floor, and toilet. Since I need extra cash, I'm gonna make a proposition to the roommate. I am gonna offer to clean up his hair for $50 a month since he can't seem to do a thorough job himself.

In reality I don't wanna do this, but maybe if I say this then he will get it together? Or maybe I will collect the hairs and put them on a voodoo doll so that I can stick pins in it when I hear his loud ass snoring at night. He goes to bed at like 7:30pm so that shyt starts WAY EARLY and startles the cat and everything.  Or better yet, maybe I will collect the hairs and make a toupee so he can put them back on his damn head.
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What does this has to do with brokeness? It's the Sybil Hour right now I guess. My head is all over the place and so is my personality. I am having confidence attacks and I'm all hyper sensitive about my race and my looks. I'm so conscious about people talking to down to me because they see my color first and hear me second. On the phone they hear my Black accent first and the words second. I'm flipping all around with my thoughts and I'm calling it my Sybil thing. (Sybil was a woman with multiple personalities, but I don't think I am anywhere near that girl.)

My therapist asked why did I use the word 'bitch' to name my post. I don't like being called a bitch but sometimes I do call myself that - but more in an Omarosa/Paris Hilton kind of way. Like I'm a bad ass. But this time the word bitch doesn't mean that when it comes to this blog. But on the walk back from the session I kept thinking that I should change it. It bothers me. Maybe that's a good thing though. If I don't wanna be a broke bitch then I have to fix it then. I am thinking of a new name, but I'll keep it like that because I think it gives my blog some charisma.

But look at this clip and you see how she flips when being called a bitch:

http://www.bvnewswire.com/2009/09/18/nene-leakes-who-you-calling-a-b/

Day 3: Broke But Gave This Man A Dollar?

I gave the therapist $35 of the $50 I had in my pocket today, and I also had to take a cash advance off my credit card (something I testified that I would never do, but I had to because my Chase payment for $553 is coming out of the bank today and I only had $327 in the bank). But on Friday I went to put the damn money in the bank to pay Chase, but Friday the bank took $180 out of my personal accounts to pay for the loans I have open on the business. I was like "Dammit!" So now I gotta watch this and go and pay these things in the bank instead of doing it online because the bank is snatching it from me.



But even despite this, I gave a Latino man standing on 6th Avenue a dollar. Why? Because he had this condition with his face where it was swollen and red and severely deformed. I thought to myself that if it was hard for me to find employment, I wondered if it was harder for him? His face was hard to look at and I'm sure people discriminate against him all the time. I gave him the dollar and he said "Thank You", smiled, and gave me a postcard. He seemed very appreciative. It said, "Life is an act of value." It had some other things on it. Also on the postcard he explained what he was suffering from which was "Hemangioma". Here is a pic of what it looks like:








I said to myself that I am quick to think that I have it so bad. I can't imagine what it was like for him growing up. So even though I need my money I gave him a buck. If his goal was to tear on your heart strings, he succeeded with me. I saw how no one was stopping or even paying him any attention. I kept walking and then stopped and turned and went back to him. I did think for a second and said, "Hey, he has money to buy these nice ass postcards though!" Anyhow, I guess he probably is explaining his condition all day long so that's why he invested in the postcards? So there was something inside of me to help this guy even though no one is helping me. I think sometimes that this is a character flaw because people just end up screwing me over in the long run. But I'm probably too old to change this now. Being nice counts for shyt and I know this, but I act otherwise.

There was another man in the Port Authority begging for money for a bus ticket. He was telling people about himself and what he did and what not, and was saying that he had to get to Massachussetts. No one that I saw gave him anything. I said to myself, "People don't give a shyt about your sob story." I have to remind myself of this. No one cares about your mess!

Broke Antidote #1: Went to Bartending School

So back in August I went to bartending school for three weekends. Made my 12 drinks in seven minutes. Then I went and made little contact cards and spent like two days making resumes for the job. But I never realized how superficial the industry is! All the ads want a pic. I'm not ugly or anything but I certainly am not a model either. I do okay. But you know I don't think it is totally about that either - the looks thing. Minority females bartending in Manhattan is practically non-existent. I didn't realize it until I started looking. So I guess the best way for me to get a shot is to try a bar with folks who look like me I guess. So not only do I have the lack of experience working against me, it seems to be a little something else going on too. But I'll keep looking. I paid $500 to take the class (the last bit of my savings that I had a few months ago) to take this class in the hopes that I would find a gig and make the money back. So far I've been getting a lot of shade. I might do a lil experiment and find me a pic of cutie white girl and post it on my resume then send it to the same job that I apply to with my same qualifications! See this blogging makes me think! I just came up with that.

But I have been applying to anything and everything that I can do after work and on weekends since the bartending is moving too slowly. But for real, I think I'm gonna do that little experiment. If I have time....but I already know the answer so why bother.

Day 1: I Never Thought That I Could Really Admit My Brokeness

My name is....and I'm an alcholic...Oops! Wrong statement.

My name is..and I'm a Broke Bitch.

So this blog makes it official. I'm officially a BROKE BITCH. Well let's say 'ish' instead of bitch for my first post. I know these days the young girls use it all freely and what not but I'm old school and I gotta take baby steps on using word 'bitch' and 'broke' to characterize myself. Wow. Let me say that again. Broke and a Bitch too? The world MUST be coming to an end. So if that's the case I might as well keep it gangsta!

So what happened to a girl who at a time would get four and five job offers, worked for major companies, lived all over the country, had savings, stocks, clothes, cars? I opened my own business that's what. Used everything I had to support a dream. That's a long story and that mess is chronicled on another blog that I leave that open for people who know me to see. Not gonna tell them I'm broke though and I won't tell them about this blog. I can't imagine all the critcism that would unleash once they hear that Miss Got It All Together don't have nothing together right now. I even went to the coin machine and cashed out all my loose change that I've carried for years now. It was only $58 but I can at least wash my clothes, buy some gas, and buy my sick cat his special food. It's a little embarassing, but I'm too gangsta to let it show. (I always wanted to say I'm too gangsta about something so there ya go! Dream fulfilled! Hee hee.)

I'll keep this blog to chronicle my money troubles because I gotta let it out! With the businness being closed I have to still pay those bills plus my own. I have this little job in NYC that pays decent, but I took that over a gig that paid $20K more so that I could work on my business too. And you know I'm regretting that shyt right now because the business is closed. Then I got robbed and I had to borrow $52K to replace that money, so my debt is about $78K.

This blog may be a strategy for me to make light of the damn situation before I end up homeless (which honestly doesn't sound that bad right now cause I could use the rent money to pay other things). I have thought it about it many times. Is it possible to be funny about being a Broke Bitch (BB)? I doubt it but if I ever lose it then people can come to this blog and see how I have been feeling.

So here we go...the Diary of a Broke Bitch is officially published. I know a LOT of people are going through it too if not worse, but you know, this is my party and I'll cry if I want to dammit. So everyone is handling there stuff the best way they can, and I guess I'll have to do the same.

To blog is to ease my despair...