Day 21: The "B" Word Is Looking Better Everyday

Ok since August I have been looking for something part time.  I had an interview last week at Victoria's Secret and I went to a cattle call at a bar in Newark.   I thought the Newark thing went okay, but the guy said that they would call me Monday and today is Wednesday.  So I will still keep my fingers crossed anyway.   I'll keep applying to stuff.  In the next week I will hit TGIF and Daffy's and Arden B.   I applied to The Container Store but that was about it.  Not good at all.  I mean I get here at night and say I'm gonna work on the resume and apply to jobs and I just sit here in a daze.  TV off.  No sound.  Just sitting here in a daze looking at the computer screen.  Mind all over the place.  I did that for two days straight.

So AGAIN tonight I was supposed to be updating my resume.  But I turned on the TV and I am sitting watching "I Love Lucy" and typing on this blog.  What is wrong with me?  I guess what it is is that I am tired of updating that friggin' resume.  I have been messing with it since Labor Day and working on it is an energy zapper.  But I'm gonna do it.  Tonight.  In 30 minutes. (UPDATE:  I took my procrastinating ass to bed and didn't even work on it of course.  Sat here and dozed off after eating all that junk tonight.  See next paragraph.)

Before I continue, I must say that I ate too much tonight.  I had tortilla chips and salsa, then two big crab cakes and rice, then two blueberry muffins with butter on them.  That makes no sense at all and I am pissed at myself.  And I have the nerve to wonder why people keep asking me am I pregnant? 

Did I just see a baby Milk Dud walking on my desk just now?  Please God no.  I don't need that right now.  I don't see it so I'm hoping that my eyes were just buggin.  A Milk Dud has appeared here or there over the years unfortunately so it is quite possible.

I'll make it quick about the "B" word in the blog title.  BANKRUPTCY.  I guess bankruptcy is looking better and better as each day passes.  I can't stand this as a course of action but man!  I recalculated my debt and instead of $78K it is closer to $90K.  How long would it take me to pay all that back with interest with the money that I make?  For the past 18 years I have tried and tried to keep my credit in a good place, as that is how I was able to open the business and get the credit for things that I needed.  Now I won't be able to get anything for a long time.  Even some jobs won't take me over that.  It's gonna be real f'd up to be in that spot at this point in my life.  I have seen two attorneys already and they both are saying different shyt which makes it worse and makes me more confused.

The lottery is 200M.  Ain't that crazy?  And one person won it last night.  Sometimes I walk down the street and spazz out and think about what I would do when (notice I say when) I win the big lottery.  I think about where I would live and the people who I would help.  I know people probably walk by and are like, "WTF is she smiling about?"  I took an article of a lottery winner and took a cut out of my face and pasted it on his body.  Why a man?  I couldn't find a Black woman's photo who had won the lotterry but there was this pic of a Black man.  So I couldn't have a Black head and white arms now could I?  But the guy had on a nice shirt so at least I'm looking stylish holding that big, fat lottery check!  I pasted it on my wall for inspiration.  Maybe I'll be the Black woman lottery winner who takes a picture that other brown girls can paste their faces on? 

I was having a convo with my half cleaning up ass roommate (that story in another post, and I have photo evidence this time okay!), and he was saying he would be bored if he didn't have a job to go to.  I had already noticed that he ALWAYS talks about work and how many hours he is working and how important he is.  I bet he does that shyt on dates too.  Yawn.  Along with, "I've been to Spain, and Italy, and the moon and yadda yadda."  Look I lived in Salt Lake City okay.  And I was Black (well I still am - hee hee).  That's some major shyt in my book.  The state is less the one percent Black and it was very overwhelming being a girl from a all Black community.  You think you know but you have no idea how bad I went through it out there.  Sometimes I used to say that I wanted to die because I was so sad.  But I came to appreciate Salt Lake City and played with the cards I was dealt at the time.

Back to the convo with the roomie.  He said that he retired twice and went back to work each time.  He said he was bored?  I was like puhleeze.  I could name five things I could do besides work for someone else.  Then he tried to bring up a friend of his who did the same thing as he did as if to say that that was a pretty common thing or something.  Again, puhleeze. You weren't bored.  You are just a bore.  At least that's what I surmised from his admission.   If you have never done much outside of work in your life, then that's what you will probably die doing.  That's what I told him and he was quiet.  He probably never did much and the traveling he did was always associated with working anyways.  Work until you are so old or so sick that you have nothing left because you gave it all to some job.   Hell I told him he could have taught at a college, or volunteered for Habitat for Humanity or Americorps.  Man, don't ever get around me and talk about that working for someone else is all there is.  I will start preaching and probably won't shut up for a minute.  Getting on slave ships everyday going to the city; getting in you car and getting on the road with the other robots running to their jobs every morning.  I've always hated that morning and evening scene - and yet I'm still doing it.

Call me crazy, but if I had the choice I would walk right up to my mother and say, "What were you thinking woman?  Send me back.  This life shyt is for f'n the birds."