Monday, September 20, 2010

Day #350: I Don't Want to "Feel Him"

I don't want to dig this guy I met too much.  But I think I do.

It feels good to think of him, but then it doesn't.

I find myself feeling that 'feeling' when I think of him; and then the next minute I think of him I'm giving him the 'side eye.'

I want to ask him questions, hear about his past lives, his wishes, and his dreams.

But then again I say to myself the less I know the better.

I want to just think of him as he probably thinks of me.  An object.  That way I can protect myself when he starts his bullshyt. 

(Bullshyt.  Am I expecting bullshyt?  Why is my spidey sense telling me to proceed with caution?)

It's too new to call it.  I'm not gonna be vulnerable. 

I have too many things going on for this emotional shyt!!!!  He's getting in my head and it's becoming too mental right now.  Because when he touches me I just, I just...lose control.

So therefore I have decided to think about shoes when he pops in my head. 

Or making money.

Not making love like I feel we would do?  Because I don't wanna do that.  Something is different.

Damn I really do like him, but I gotta keep my mind clear. 

Don't get caught up because you are too smart to be duped.  Everything is beautiful in the beginning then they start showing their asses.  You know the drill already.

So I gotta find out what's wrong with him quick!  I'm sure there is something wrong with him.   


Or maybe not?  Hmmm...

Until I know what to feel...I refuse to 'feel him' too much. 

Yeah that sounds real f*ckd up.  But I'm being 100 about my feelings. 


(*convincing myself*)

I'm being 100. 


"What's not to love about you...

Everyday I find more reasons too..."

Think shoes.  Think shoes.  Gotta think shoes.


  1. Sounds like the fight to avoid the inevitable is in full effect. You can always find flaws in someone, but why not let things progress to see what will blossom? I know it's easier said than done, but it's even worse to think back and wonder what could've been. Perhaps the friendly, get to know ya better approach will help (even if your thoughts are pointing to a mattress mambo session). I've been pondering the same thing over the past few months as it relates to (supposed) control, I think I'll throw it out there also to see what the fam thinks. Enjoy your week (and try to be open to new connections), suga!

  2. Hi Curvy...

    Oh I'll be open minded about the situation. My spidey sense is tingling though. So honestly I'm open, but it's something that he needs to do and he said he will do to make room for a little, ahem...relationship?

    Did I just say that? Lawd, lawd, lawd.

  3. Oh and Curvy...

    Yes. See what your followers have to say. It would definitely be interesting!

    Enjoy your week also! Time is flying isn't it?

  4. hmmm.. i hate feeling that way too but sometimes you just have to let things flow and try not to think about it too much. if something is wrong, know that you will find out much sooner than later.

  5. Hey Khaki...

    It is a feeling....but it's funny why we even get it in the first place.

    But dealing with people is just a dice roll anyway. Time will tell! I'll keep my options open to see how it pans out though! LOL.

  6. Wow! Now I'm feeling you :) If it pans out or not there is something there that's real or that you want to be real! On Match some refer to it as the butterfly's. It's the type of thing that makes a grown azz man, like me, admit to likin cuddling :) You know I thought about the fact I actually said that word to you in referencing what I like about a relationship. Go with the flow because when times get rough that feeling is the thing that will pull you through. Don't worry you are way to smart to be played for more then a minute unless you play yourself by not giving it a go -jb

  7. Hey jb. Thanks for this post. Ya feelin' me on this one? I like the way say that I could play myself for not giving it a try. That makes perfect sense, but I guess I have been thru this and that so I have my doubts about everyone. I wonder do guys have the same thoughts at the outset like I am expressing? Actually I think this dude likes that romantic stuff too. Now that I think about it a lot of 'grown azz' men like cuddling! At least the ones I met; I just didn't like it so much with them. But I kinda don't mind it with this guy.

    Uh oh!

  8. To me this is what makes your blog unique - raw universal honesty - no posturing.
    All well intentioned people have that same thought its like jumping off a cliff and you can't be certain if that other person will catch you - forgive the L word but it can be goosebumps scary :) You never know it could be a mistake but to let the past dictate the future is a known mistake waiting to happen. You can't be like your boy in the other post either and let it all hang out there because that too is a known mistake. But each time you fail you have got to shave the callouses off your heart or else your heart becomes numb. To steal a phrase "love like you've never been hurt, work like you don't need the money and dance like no bodies watching." But always keep your eyes wide open!

  9. Oh I LOOOOOVEEEE this comment!

    Love it! Every single word you said was great and actually the thing about shaving callouses off is a good bit of advice to one of my friends who has been burned by a baby daddy. For real.

    But as for me...

    I saw him yesterday. We just sat in the park and talked for a little bit.

    (fanning my face)

    I gotta think about shoes!

  10. Don't it feel good!!

  11. As I said "raw universal honesty". I bore easily when I find things that are too ordinary like there is really nothing there - no depth, transparent. It's not the mystery as much as the butterfly's of wanting. It's when the phone rings it's not "oh it's you" but "OH!! IT'S YOU!" Don't sweat it - it will be what it will be. Regardless life will go on. -jb

  12. Thanks jb. I'm trying my hardest!

    Time will tell. I bought some new shoes by the way....LOL.