Catching Fish & "Just Because Your Face Is Wet..."

(exhaling)

Just finished watching some porn while using the toy again.  Now it's time to write a lil something I guess cuz a sista is feelin' kinda relaxed.  I really need to get a new toy though.  The paint is coming off of this one. 

It's been an interesting week.  I bartended the other night and I wore these studded black leggings to work in. 

Something like these with a different design.  I'm telling you, get a pair of these joints and men will be buzzing around you like monkeys.

I swear these leggings had superpowers because dudes was coming at me left and right and it was crazy.  The studs on them were like little men magnets.  Short ones, toothless ones, chocolate ones, yellow ones.  Old ones, young ones - from 26 to 66.  And I was jugglin' all of them muthafuccas like a pro too.  I had one dude texting me, and one on each end of the bar trying to holla.  Grandpa told me he loved me on his way out.  Toothless was smiling at me like he thought he had a chance.  Yeah right.  Plus I was mixing drinks and singing karaoke along with the customers.  I was handling my bizness!

I even remembered some names this time:

Alterik

Reggie

Kyle

Larry

Snaggle Tooth (didn't get his name)

Fred Sanford

Chris the Clown

I was like damn.  Those leggings I wore was catching a lot of fish that night, and that would have been cool if I had come there for that purpose.  I wanted tips, not fish.  Especially not fish that look like they work at the warehouse or car wash. 

I AM WORKING FOR TIPS, NOT PHONE NUMBERS YOU LAMES!

They are like vultures sometimes.  No muthafucca you can't call me.  No I don't wanna go out.  No I don't want any breakfast at 1:30 in the morning.  Some new shoes?  Now you're talking.  But thank you for the compliments...yawn.  Some of them get it, and some of them don't.  I just go ahead and smile and act flattered by the bullshyt they spit anyway.  I gotta be nice.  But by the end of the night, all of those fish I had thrown back in the water.  Puhleeze.  Don't you know I just want your money you dumb azzes?  I have an idea though.  Sometimes dudes ask me if I want a drink and I say no.  And believe me I turn down a lot of drinks.  But next time...I'm gonna say yes and just take the money for myself. 

"Keep your drink just gimme the money,

It's you and your hand tonight!"

One of those fish, Mr. Cornrows, has been trying to holla for a while though.  He ain't bad looking but his cornrows are like an electric damn force field to me.   I ain't coming near you with that hairdo sir.  How are you 39 years old and wearing cornrows and Jay Z t-shirt.  WTF?   I don't think I have EVER dated anyone with cornrows in my life, and I don't plan to start now.  Even Ludacris and Jaheim cut their damn hair at some point.  Come on son.  That cornrow shyt is played once you get a certain age.

I gotta admit tough, my booty was looking pretty good in those leggings if I do say so myself.  And I usually don't brag on myself but I am today.  Doing squats is like money honey!  When I get out of the shower sometimes I turn and look and admire it.  No cellulite, no dimples, or marks.  I hit that gym five days a week and in the azz department it's definitely paying off. 

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Went to a comedy show in the hood the next day, and I heard the funniest shyt from the sistas that performed:"

"Just because your face is wet don't mean that you're doing a good job."

Amen to that!  She said when eating coochie, the fellas should think of how cats lick their water.  They just stay in the same spot and lick and suck fast.   Just keep yo' face in the same spot, and make sure that tongue doesn't move.  No need to go all around the coochie and get your face wet for no damn reason.  IT DOES NOTHING!  Stay near the top and you'll be just fine. 

"If you like the way I suck your d*ck that's cool, but don't be bragging on me to your friends about that shyt.  Brag about that pound cake I baked last week dammit.

I know that's right. Even though I took a blow job class a few months ago, I don't wanna be KNOWN for d*ck sucking.  I was sitting at the table and it seemed like everyone was laughing except for one of my girlfriends.  Haha.  I remember her saying once, "I told that nigga that I don't suck d*ck but we all know that's a fuggin lie!"  And she was high fiving her girls like she was proud of her d*ck sucking rep or something?  But she was quiet as hell after the comedian said that shyt.  Mighty quiet.   

Then this dude comes up and says,

"If you have a hairy p*ssy in 2010 you need to be kicked in yo' azz!"

And he repeated that like three times. 

'If you still have a hairy p*ssy in 2010 you need to be kicked in yo' azz!" 

My friend hollered, "Men too!  Men too!"  I laughed nervously, and then I asked myself, "Is my coochie too hairy?"  The next day I looked in the mirror and checked it out.  I guess it could use a little trim.  LOL.  I'll handle that this weekend.  I got a coupon for a free Brazillan wax so I might try that.  I think some guys like hairy coochies though...

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Married dude called me, but I didn't answer.  I'm proud of myself too.  I'm not here for your entertainment mothafucca, because you sure aren't entertaining me.  My man cums in like 30 seconds or less.  No lie.  Of course I would like to think my coochie is so wonderful that a man would come in less than a minute, and although I have been told before that it's pretty good, I don't think it's THAT damn good that a man would squeeze off quicker than a cat could run across the street.  Isn't that ridiculous?  So I'm just gonna keep watching my porn and playing with my toy a few times a day.  I was thinking about taking the toy and try using it when I drive.  Only at a red light though.  That'll be one helluva show for my fellow drivers now wouldn't it??? 

"Nasty girl,

Nasty girl,

Do you think I'm a nasty girl?"

Yes.  I.  am.

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And can I say that I feel like I won a Blogger Oscar Award cuz NC17 over at Black Girls Are Easy put me on his blog roll!  He has the hottest blog and has mad followers so a sista was beaming when she saw that today.  I'm definitely honored.  Thank ya NC17!  That made a sista smile...