Booty Call Etiquette

Lawd have mercy on me for writing this, but after a recent encounter I feel that I must.

Can I talk about booty calls today? 
Or if booty call is too harsh and crude for some, I'll call it a 'grown and sexy rendevous'. 
But whatever you wanna call it, can I chat about it from a female perspective?

I'm not an expert on sex or men or anything, so what I write is just my thoughts on the whole booty call thing after a VERY INTERESTING evening with one particular brotha....

BOOTY CALL ETIQUETTE: 

(THIS IS JUST A RANT.  NOT TELLING ANYONE ELSE HOW TO CONDUCT THEIR BOOTY CALLS OK?)

Cardinal Rule #1 on Booty Call Etiquette

It's not just simply about getting the booty fellas. 

It's also about what you do prior to that. 
You need to warm the engine up before you wanna start driving.

Don't come to the door with your damn pants down and tongue hanging out like a hungry azz dog!

You just don't come to the door with a hard stick ready to f*ck! If you are looking and acting thirsty and you haven't been at my crib for ten minutes, I'm just gonna get turned off.  I mean I know why you're coming over, but damn, can you at least be calm, cool, and collected about the shyt?  Even in pornos they do some dumb dialogue in the beginnnng before things get started.  I mean thanks for being excited about seeing me but at least be smooth about it.   Don't be putting your paws all over me or try to ram your tongue down my throat like you're thirteen years old.  Don't rub my coochie all hard trying to burn my shyt.  Don't thrust your hand up my shirt grabbing my boobs like you trying to get my milk up for breast feeding.  Read the situation first and ease me into the mood - or at least try anyways.

Cardinal Rule #2 on Booty Call Etiquette

Don't show up empty here handed muthafucca.

Don't you dare show up at my spot empty handed you big dummy! Don't you dare.  Come bearing gifts, especially if this is your first time at my spot.  As a matter of fact, even if it is not a booty call yo azz better bring something if it is your first visit.  That means stop and get a bottle of wine BEFORE YOU GET HERE.  Ask me what I like to drink BEFORE YOU GET HERE and go pick it up.  Don't get here, realize your mistake, and then try to leave out trying to find an open liquor store.  Boy please.  Don't you know betta than to show up with nothing in your hand?   Plan ahead for goodness sake.  Stop and pick up something to set the mood for the situation beforehand and at least fake that you have a little swagger about yourself.  Damn bruh - why you making me stay sober?  I need the buzz so if you're dyck game is whack at least I get to keep the bottle that you brought.  And even if you're not down with bringing the alcohol, go get a bag of chips and some salsa.  Go to Popeye's and bring me a two piece.  Raisinets?  Flowers?  A plant? Something! 

And don't EVEN fix yo' mouth to ask if we could drink something from my stash either.  Hells no!  That stuff is for me, not you.  Ain't no way you're gonna come over and drink up my shyt AND get some coochie too.  You must be out of your damn mind. 

Cardinal Rule #3 on Booty Call Etiquette

Have what you need to get down to business.

So you ran to the gas station to get some condoms on the way here, and they didn't have the ones that you 'need'. 

"Oh these condoms are too tight."

"Oh these condoms are too thick."

"Oh I can't feel anything with these things, but that's all they had."

"I can't stay hard with these.  Damn."

Blah, blah, blah.  I don't want to hear that shyt!!!

Don't come over if you don't have the right tools to get the job done.  You are a grown azz man and you ain't no virgin.  You know what kind of condom works for you, so get the right ones before darkening my doorstep.  Remember this:  If this is your first time here you must bring your A-game!  Treat this like a job interview and talk your best game and be ready give your best performance.  I don't want to hear you blame the condom all night for your lack luster skills because I will immediately think that it's your dyck game that's the problem.  I'm naked and ready to go, so I damn well don't want to see you fighting with the condom trying to put it on your weenie!  That thing needs to be on in ten seconds or less.  That's it.  And please, spare me with your complaining.  I am not the naked customer service rep so I am not in the mood to hear your bitching.  What the f*ck did you think you would find at the gas station on the way here?  You know your dyck better than I do, so get the correct buns for your hot dog!  Soooo lame.  I'd rather you cancel the evening and not come over at all if you gonna whine about the condom all night. 

Cardinal Rule #4 on Booty Call Etiquette

Caressing you?  Not.

Unless we are kinda feeling each other on a mental/emotional level, don't tell me that you need to be stroked and touched tenderly in order to get excited.  I hate that.  You ain't caressing on me, and I can still manage to get moist, so why do you need me to put my arms around you and touch your face and stroke your back?  I mean I have no problem doing that if I am feeling that, but as soon as you indicate that you NEED that in order to stay hard and stay interested, then the first I'm thinking is:

What a big baby.

You'd be amazed how much guys need this caressing in order to stay excited. 

 "You haven't even touched me yet." 

You whining again?  Boo hoo hoo.  Didn't know I had to do all that in order for you to stay in the mood?  Reluctantly I try to oblige and just go ahead and do whatever it is he needs though.  "What do you want me to do?"  But if possible, can you leave this need out of the booty call situation?  I'm not an actress and it really is a bother to me sometimes.

Cardinal Rule #5 on Booty Call Etiquette

Spare me the excuses.

Remember that ghetto chick from Friday with Ice Cube when she said:

You ain't gotta lie Craig...

You ain't gotta lie.

If I like you, sure I would love for you to stick around after.  But if I don't, you can go after a half hour or so.  It's fine.  No explanation needed, and no need to make excuses.  If everything happened like I described above, I am probably ready for you to go anyway. LOL.  Get the fluck out!  Not much more I have to say on that topic.  Just go.  No speech necessary.

Bottom line, booty calls can be cool, and they can be whack.  I'm sure everyone has a whack story to tell about an encounter that they had in their past life.  All I'm saying is that, from a female perspective and being a woman of a certain age, be smooth about WHATEVER YOU DO.  Have some Boris Kodjoe and Usher Raymond swagger about it, because it really goes a looong way.  You want me to be sexy...bring it out of me!  Even if it was just about the sex...YOU STILL HAVE TO PUT IN SOME PREP WORK BRUH.  You can have the biggest and fattest dyck around, but you still gotta get me to want it.   

And that's that.

Sad to say that the above is a TRUE story too.  Bruh was just full of excuses.  I knew something was wrong when he said he dreamt that I took my hand and put it up his...

Ahem.

(clears throat)

I'll just stop there for now. Too funny. 

Lames come in all ages, education levels, and tax brackets.  Please believe that.

Next up...another Match date scorecard to post.  I gotta digress from all of this men talk too.  I have to talk about the biz competition I was in and the drama with this chick I tried to help win $10K down in ATL.  But I was the winner....hee hee.  More later!