Interview with a Dog: Part III - How Does He Do It?

I went back and read the last excerpt that I wrote.  Whew.  It's nuts to read about it just as much as it is to be actually be in the situation.  This thing with Shallow Hal is liking watching one of those Lifetime movies that scare the shyt out of people.  


I'm gonna break this up into two parts.  I already wrote it out but this post was too long and I think I will scare someone away when they see all the words.  I'll post it later this week. 

Anyway let's continue...

The days pass.  Shallow Hal is telling me about all of his drama with these two babies coming.  In fact, we are always talking about him.  He don't wanna know shyt about anyone else honestly.  All we ever talk about is him and his women, his kids, his job, his shyt. 

But one day I had to ask about me.  I wanted to know why did he need me when his hands were full already?

"If you have two women pregnant and due within days of each other, why in the world were you online looking for other women and corresponding with me?"

"Because Miss Carribean was in her country, and Miss New York lives out on Long Island and I only see her on weekends.  So I needed a Jersey piece during the week."

"You needed a Jersey piece", I repeated robotically.


That was all I could fix my mouth to say as we sped along in his Range Rover.   He needed a Jersey piece?   I'm the Jersey piece.  JP aka Just P*ssy.  Wow, what a title.  I guess I was at a loss for words because had never been around anyone so nonchalant about f*cking around like he did.  In my mind I had already figured that I was around because Miss New York was pregnant and was sick and couldn't and/or wouldn't f*ck, and the other one wasn't here yet from their country.  So that's what he was looking for, some Interim Azz to tide him over until at least Miss Caribean landed to give him some pregnant coochie.  So yep, I was the Seat Filler!  But like I said, I was getting what I wanted and I rolled with the plan.  He has his needs and I had mine.  I guess I could appreciate his honesty, but his blatant, "in your face"  forthrightness with it sometimes knocked me down on the ground.  It was still hard to swallow even though I knew what was going on.  I still would have to pick myself up after hearing alla that honesty.  When I got over the shock and I thought I was steady on my feet again, he would tell me more shyt and even more f*cked up stories from his past that I would just get knocked down again.  

And again. 

And again. 

I guess men are more built to hear this type of doggery, but I try my hardest to not be disgusted by it because I want him to keep talking to me.  And the more I listened to it, I saw how he has really convinced himself and conditioned his mind into thinking that what he does is okay.  He will say stuff like, "It's normal for a man", or "All men from my country do this", or "If I bring more to the table in the relationship I get a pass."  When he makes these statements you can see in his face that he really believes the shyt.  He has explained the wrongness, sneakiness, and low-downess all away and made it sound like normal, everyday shyt.  He even made the statement that all men have been with a prositute at least once in their lives because he has done it.  So it's funny that he will call himself a cheater and a dog, but he will always, always, always says something like ....

"I'm a dog, but I'm a dog with a warm heart." 

Arrogant azz.

And then he smiles at himself every time he says it too.  A sinister, prideful smile as if to credit himself on that fact that even though he will have other women, he is man enough to reveal his shortcomings.  He is the warm-hearted dog that will treat you nicely and buy you things.  He will give you attention and make you feel so fine.  Compliment you up and down and all around.  Make you think that you are the sassiest, finest thang walking this side of the Mississippi.  When he's with you he will wine you, dine you, and say sweet things.  Take you on trips and you never have to pay for anything.  To him, doing all of this 'other' stuff is what gives him the warm heart, but yet sticking his warm d*ck in two or three other chicks at the same time is not being cold.  He has thoroughly brainwashed himself.

I've learned something else too.  Since being around him, Shallow Hal knows how to play the gigilo game.  He knows how to dog you without you feeling like you're actually being dogged.  I guess what I mean is that you won't feel like you are second or third string with him.  He will call you everyday.  He will initiate dates.  He will pay for things without blinking even once about it.  He's not a cheap azz nor does he throw it back in your face what he does for you.  HE GIVES YOU ATTENTION.  And as long as he is doing all of that, with that big sinister grin on his face, women will willingly give up the azz. 

Like I did.

(taps finger on desk and thinks to self)

Ah whatever about me anyways...let's just get back to the story. 

So now that I know about these babies are coming, the 411 on the situation is flowing out of him like a waterfall.  And I'm just listening and asking questions, and thinking about blogging about it everytime he starts talking.  He even asked me once, "Are you writing about me or something?"

Gasp! 

"Nah baby.  I'm just asking questions.  I got better shyt to write about."

(Um, no I don't!  Giggle. )

We are talking about two chicks here so lemme start with the one he was most worried about -- Miss New York.  And funny, he wasn't worried about her finding out that he brought another chick over to the US at the same time he was doing her.  Not at all.  It was more about child support.  Having to pay up for putting his d*ck in the wrong place at the wrong time.  He was just talking about it over and over and over.  He was afraid that she would file for child support in the courts, and given what he makes and the required percentage mandated by the state, he was looking at paying $1700 a month.  He said with his expenses it would crush him, and he already had one broke azz Celie at home.  Miss New York wasn't working because she was throwing up every single day and losing weight.  She wouldn't file for public aid because she didn't want to mess things up with the government in case she wanted to sponsor one of her peeps to come from her country.  Apparently she thought that the government would think that she was a lazy bum if she asked for public assistance.  She worries that when she did get on her feet and asked if she could bring one of her peeps over, she thinks that the government would say, "No mama!  You were pregnant and was getting free shyt, so we ain't bringing no one else over here like you to milk us like you did."  So she wouldn't get public aid.  Ok cool.  Now of course all this sounded utterly ridiculous to me and to Shallow Hal, but that's the way she wanted to roll.  That meant Shallow Hal had to start helping her out when she couldn't work anymore because she was preggo with his kid.   On top of the fact that she was getting cranky and blaming him for her condition all during the pregnancy, he started to get scared about giving up $1700 every month to child support.  So everyday, he's talking about how much he is gonna give her to me.   That's all that's on his mind and he is scared to death of child support court.  More about that another time.

Miss New York's condition is getting worse and worse.  Miss Carribean is here but he still has to go to New York to check in her.  But he calls himself "warning" Miss Caribbean before she got here that he won't be home on weekends.

Me:  "How did you just tell her you won't be around on weekends?  So what did she say to that?"

SH:  "What can she say?"

He is so controlling and hates when I say that to him.  But he is.

Things get worse and Miss New York is getting more and more sick, and she is taken to the emergency room a few times.  SH now has to make some trips over there during the week now in addition to the weekend. 

"And what do you say when you leave suddenly like that?"

SH:  "I say I gotta take care of something in New York and I grab my duffle bag and leave."

"That's it?  And what does she say?"

SH:  "She just stands there staring at me and watches me walk out of the door."

"You seriously just say, "I gotta go" and that's it?"

SH:  "Yeah."

"And when do you come back?"

SH:  "The next evening."

"THE NEXT DAY?   So you're spending the night over there?  In the chick's bed?!!!  And ole girl is 7.5 months pregnant too, with a toddler at home, and can't speak a word of English?  And you leaving her by herself in West Hell?"

SH:  (frustrated)  "I'm not driving all the way back home after going over there.  It's too far."

"Soooooo.  IT's still not cool.  Do you at least say when you will be back?"

Sh:  "Not always."

"But that's crazy!  How you gonna sleep over with Miss New York and then not tell the lady at home that you won't be back that night."

SH:  "She will figure out that I'm not coming back when she sees that I'm bringing an overnight bag with me."

"You have got to be kidding?  Is that how she gets informed?  Through visual f*ckin' props?  So by just seeing you pack this damn duffle bag that's how you tell her?  And then you just leave?"

SH:  "Yeah."

(what a chicken!)

"Um, eventually you gonna have to tell her why you're leaving out like that.  I can't imagine anyone that will keep letting that fly."

SH:  "Yeah, I know.  I gotta tell this girl."

And it really seemed like he wanted to honestly.  I could see it in his face.  He had to.  Shyt was getting crazy because Miss New York was about to pop at any minute.  Lucky for him too, because she was due in the same month as Miss Caribbean at first.  So instead of the SAME month he would have had two kids being born, it will go to like within 45 days of each other now.

I guess that is a little better and less scandalous right???  That's sad to even have to look at it like that.

More later.

Interview with a Dog: Part Two - "The Situation"

 

"My situation is complicated.”

After I saw the baby crib in his room, Shallow Hal started to come over to my place instead.  I guess he didn’t want me asking anything else huh?  But he didn’t have to do all that because I didn’t think too much more about it after that honestly.  I was getting attention and the d*ck I wanted so I was like whatever. 

“My situation is complicated.”

Even though I had let it go, Shallow Hal was saying this more and more now in our communication with each other.  But each time I would ask what the situation was, he would just say “Don’t worry about it” or “I don’t feel like getting into it.”

Ok muthafucca.

The less I know the better I always say.  So I didn’t push the issue or keep asking him about anything about that damn baby crib I saw.   I just decide to enjoy his company and leave it that.  I needed him for pleasure purposes and not stress anyway, and I wasn’t gonna stress myself over some other chick or his kid.  I was just going to enjoy my time, because in the back of my mind something was telling me that my days were numbered anyway.

“My situation is complicated.”

Here we go again.  He keeps saying this over the next week so, and I feel he is getting close to talking.  I ask.  He clams up.  At first I was interested in knowing, but after a couple times of this I’m starting not to give a f*ck.  I mean really.  Spill it damn it!  Quit coming to the diving board if you ain’t ready to jump yet.

So one Sunday he is at my crib and we are just chatting about whatever. 

“My situation is complicated.”  Now I can see the strain in his face when he says it.  

“What is so complicated?  You wanna tell me about it?” 

SH:  “No.”

Me:  “Ok then.”  I go back in the kitchen and continue dealing with my chicken tacos.

I bring the food in the living room, and then we chat about random stuff.  Then all of a sudden he asks me, “Have you wondered why I haven’t invited you to my house lately?”

Me: “Nah not really.”  And I hadn’t wondered about it.  It wasn’t like I had asked to go over there recently so why would I.

Still I could see something in his face.  He wanted to me to figure it out.  So I looked into his face and searched for the answer.  I thought about the baby crib again.  I thought about this 15 month old kid coming from his country and who the baby must have been coming here with.  I hadn’t even run that part through my mind yet.  Damn I’m dense sometimes.  Then I thought about why he said he had to go to New York every weekend to visit his girlfriend too.

Then it came to me.

“Is the girl in New York pregnant?”

“Yes.”

(Silence.  Ok that answers the New York question.)

“Is your kid here from your country?”

“Yes.”

“Is his mother here too?”

“Yes.”

Again, in my mind’s eye I see that crib in his bedroom.

“Is she pregnant too?”

“Yes.”

Boom.  There it was.  THAT WAS HIS COMPLICATED SITUATION. 

I just stared in disbelief.  Two women pregnant at the same time?  I start to do the math. 

“When is the girl in New York having her baby?”

 “December.”

“And when is the girl in your house having her baby?”

(pause)

SH:  “DECEMBER.”

Oh well, so much for doing the math.  There was nothing to calculate here at all. 

“Are you serious?  Both these chicks are due in the same month?”

Shallow Hal just sat silent with this stupid look on his face.

But it probably wasn't more stupid looking than the expression on my face I bet. 

For a few seconds I was silent too.  I thought I could only hear this type of drama on The Maury Show, but never did I think I would have a dude in that kind of mess sitting right here in my damn living room! 

Am I dreaming?  This is a 43 year old man who has two chicks pregnant at the same time.  I know he said he wanted kids but dayum.  Why was he so reckless with it?  And then he went international lover with it too because one was in another country and the other one was here in the U.S.

Then to make matters worse, he is on an online dating site looking for more azz just three months ago.  (Insert my pic here)

Why me?  Arrgghhhhh!

But suprisingly I don’t get mad.  Honestly, I didn't feel mad or pissed.  I kept my cool and just wanted to understand how a man like him could get in this situation.   His explanation was that he sexed New York right before he went on vacation to his country to visit his kid.  (Funny though, he has been dating the chick three years and had a kid while kicking it with her and she didn't know shyt about it.) Then he got it in with Miss Caribbean before returning home.  Bam.  She's knocked up a second time.

SH:" Miss Caribbean called me up so happy.  Then a few days later New York tells me she is pregnant too."

Me:  “Dude, you gonna have to let me go then.”  I said as I gripped my pillow and looked down to the floor.

SH: “I understand if you don’t want to see me again.”

I had no response because I was still taking it all in.  He can't handle three women in two states and three babies.  I guess that six figure salary wasn't gonna be so wonderful after all this news. 

Eyes still fixated to the floor, I asked him again what was he gonna do.  He tells me that neither of the chicks knew about each other (of course).  One lives out on Long Island, and one lives in Jersey with him!  And their toddler.  He didn't know what to do or how to tell either one of them. 

Crazy.  Just crazy.  I ask a few more questions and get a little background. 

Miss Caribbean is 32 years old.  Doesn’t speak English.  Never worked or earned money.  Has some school beyond high school.  He got her here on a spouse visa in which by 90 days he is supposed to marry her so she can stay here.

“Damn she must be superfine for you to be doing all this for her!"

“Believe it or not she’s not that fine.  I am doing this for my kids, not for her.", he calmly said.

"So you getting married?”

"I ain’t getting married either.  I just feel some kind of loyalty to her because she is the mother of my first kid.  That's it."

“Does she think you’re gonna marry her though?”

“Of course she does.”

“Then how is she gonna stay in the U.S. if you don’t marry her?”

“As long as she is on a visa I don't give a f*ck, but I ain’t getting married.”

Wow what an azz.

Then his phone starts ringing.  It’s Miss Caribbean.  I don’t understand what he is saying because he is talking in his language.  When he hangs up he tells me that she was asking how to use the stove.   Apparently, in her country, she never saw a stove or used one before.  He said she is from the country.  Like so fuggin’ country that she sometimes had to take a bath outside and has no electricity when it turns dark outside.  She called because she wanted to cook and needed to know how to turn the stove on.

Say what?  Hold up. 

You are a six figure VP with a college degree.  And you’re with this gal?  And you say she is not that fine?  Then why in the world did you hook up with a chick like this and bring her here?

“Because I turned 40 and wanted kids really bad.  It was planned though.  I knew her already from years ago.”

Yeah right.  After some days I come to find out that story was some bullshyt.  He couldn't keep the lie straight.  “Planned” my azz.  Yeah he knew of her, and she graduated to becoming his vacation jumpoff the last few times he came to his country recently.  So it wasn’t no damn ‘planning’ with that shyt.   People kill me trying to make pregnancy accidents sound like some movie romance shyt.  He was f*cking her and just decided to splash off instead of pulling out.  That is about the extent of that so called ‘planning’.  He was having a moment about his desire to have kids and just rolled with this chick cuz she was there.   His desire to be a pappy clouded his common sense apparently.  Ok so you really want a kid, but why knock up an uneducated chick in another country?  Then you can’t even see the kid because you live here in the U.S.?  Huh?  And you trying to be a dad?  All of it makes ZERO sense.

Then he goes back and impregnates her a second time because he wanted two kids, not just one.

But now he will have three.  A bonus kid coming in the same month.

Now as for the chick in New York getting her pregnant was a mistake, if you wanna call it that.  He says he didn’t think she could get pregnant because he had been sexing her for years and she never got pregnant.  He didn’t think she could get pregnant.

But wait, there was this one time…when she miscarried.

Sigh.  Ok So why in the fck would you think she couldn’t get pregnant sir?  If she did get pregnant once before.  You sound like a 15 year old.  For real.

(As I type it's just too much to think about.  I’m gonna have to end this soon for today.  Whew.  )

I get a little background on New York.  She is 36 and is also from his country (hmmmm interesting).  She has been here for a few years and has her citizenship, can speak English, and can even work a stove.  He met her here in the U.S when she was waitressing at a restaurant.  She became his side chick when he was breaking up with his fiancee.  Then he goes on to say the chick in New York ain’t worked in six months because she has been throwing up every single day of her pregnancy.  Every single day.   Losing weight.  Can’t eat.  Can’t work.  No money.  No unemployment.  Wouldn’t  file for public assistance for whatever crazy reason she had on top of that.  So now he has TWO BROKE CHICKS to cover for?  One that can’t speak English or work, and the other that can’t work because she is sick with your baby inside of her.   

"So what are you gonna do?", I ask again.

He talks more and more.  And I sit there and listen to this crazy azz story while he is sitting on my couch, in his damn underwear.  Freshly f*cked.  By me.  Is this a dream?

Then my mind wanders.  How in the world is he gonna work full time, run over to New York to check in on sick Preggo #1, leave Preggo #2 at his house with a toddler alone and she fresh off the boat?  And try to keep me around too?  And when these babies come?  What is he gonna do then?  Better yet, what am I gonna do????????????????

He was right.  It was a situation.  A real f*cked up situation.   And by telling me about it I get sucked up in it.  NOTE TO SELF:  The less you know the better.  I f*cked up and forgot that critical rule.  It's like watching a reality show.  Once you start, you can't stop.

And the story didn't stop  there.  Days and weeks pass and I hear more and more about the madness, and I get more and more sucked in to the vortex.  And yet I was still in the picture.  Still f*cking him.

I guess I hung around because it was all too crazy and I wanted to see how the shyt was gonna work out too.  Did I have to screw him to find this out?  No.  But he is just so charming that I...I...gave in.

Through Facebook, a bracelet, and his cell phone his sharade would finally come to an end, and eventually the two chicks figure out that something wasn't right in Whoville.

But what was interesting is when New York figured it all out, what she did in my opinion,

was un-fuggin’-believable.

Ok I'm spent.  I'll come back to this later.  I need a drink.

Interview with a Dog: Intro

For two months I have been talking about writing this series, Interview with a Cock Sucker, but I just chickened out on the title.  What's a cock sucker anyways?   One internet dictionary said:

Cock sucker - "A low and despicable male."

Bingo.  Yeah that pretty much describes Shallow Hal in a nutshell.    

But still, my head wasn't quite in that space because I would have to be mad as hell to call him (or any man for that matter) a cock sucker.  Plus the word "cock"...COCK... just doesn't flow from my lips right anyway.   Now if I say "motherfucca"  that's different.  That flows more naturally for me because I can say that and still be sexy.   But I have gotten to know the brutha a little more and I think calling him a cock sucker now is a bit harsh.  So as dramatic and as juicy as that title might have been, I'm gonna have to say goodbye to it for now.  Now of course someone that starts to read this may think the title IS deserving, and I can dig it if they do.  That's cuz sometimes he is a cock sucker to others.  A muthafucca.  An awful womanizer.  He can be controlling, loud, and a big bully.   Is he all of these things to me?  Maybe not so much.  But to some of the women in his life...it's crazy.

Anyhow, the title came to me last night when he said he was a dog.  Not in a bragging type of way though; it was said as simply and plainly as if he had told me his social security number.  Like he knew he had a problem and it wasn't a big deal.  Ok bruh.  Since you called it like that, I'll use your self-proclaimed title to name this series then.   So that means I didn't name him; he named himself.  And that's that.  

(rubs chin thinking)

He said he was a dog and didn't even blink.  Sooooo...why am I f*ckin' with him again? 

(rubs chin again.  pauses.)


To myself...."Is that a hair?  Didn't I pluck that just the other day?  Damn, I can't keep up with these muthafuccas!"

Anyway..why do I hang with Shallow Hal?  Because he's a charmer.  He's handsome.  Strong.  A foreign born man from the Caribbean who carved out a life here and is now a six figure executive.  And did I mention that he looks sooo hot in a suit?  I loooove men in suits!  He is generous and not a cheap azz.  Talkative, funny, and goal oriented.  Lived alone, never married, and told me he has two kids in his home country.   He said that they were ages 4 and 7. 

Anyway I already described our first meeting in the post Cock Blocker so I'm not gonna get into that again.   But I never did a scorecard on him though, so here it is: 

Overall, not too shabby on the scores except for the feet.  LOL.  He can't be boyfriend potential though because he is a career cheater, but I guess I kinda like him a little.  Well most of the time anyway. :/ Sometimes I really do dig him and his generosity; other times I can't believe how he is towards people.   I guess I kick it with him because he knows how to play the game when it comes to dealing with multiple women.  He pays attention to me, calls me, takes me out, and says sweet sugary things.  He knows how to make you feel important and that's a skill SINGLE DATING MAN or A ONE WOMAN man can't even figure out.  They will take you for granted, tell you that they are busy all the time or gotta work, or see their kids or whatever; and have you sitting around for days/weeks waiting on them to see you or call you.  So dumb.  I don't know how Shallow Hal manages it all but he does. 

The story is long so I have to break it up in parts.  It is a little bit of everything too - sad, mean, funny, and at times incomprehensible.  I have been seeing him for about 3-4 months but I have seen and heard quite a bit.  Yeah, he's a dog and I'll probably get chewed out on the blog for even dealing with him in the first place, but I don't care.  I'm grown and I do what I wanna do.  There are no rules.  I follow the rules I wanna follow. 

So enough of the buildup and onto the story.  He is known on this blog as Shallow Hal.

I met him online.   We emailed each other for maybe two weeks off and on, but my spidey sense started tingling after I picked up that he would only talk about meeting me during the week.  So then I asked him about his weekend availablity and he replied, "I usually go to New York." 

Me:  Really.  What part of New York?

SH:  Long Island. 

(insert side eye).  I know he's not partying on Long Island so WTF is he going all the way there for from Jersey???  Hmmm.

Me:  Are you seeing someone out there?

(pause)

SH:  I have a friend out there.

Me:  Interesting.  Is she just a friend to you but does she consider you to be her man?

(pause)

SH:  Yeah, she probably does.

I KNEW IT, but at least I knew before I met his azz.  He is telling me right out of the starting gate that he has somebody.  His profile did say casual relationship too so the pieces were starting to fit together.  Aight, should I give him credit for being honest?  Maybe.  If I hadn't asked I don't think he would have volunteered the info....so maybe not.  Whatever.  The point is I knew the deal and can make the decision if I wanted to keep going with him.  

SIDE NOTE:  Actually I am finding that more guys that I meet are starting to do this in the early stages of talking to me.  I think these are the cheating ones who finally got tired of the drama that comes in the aftermath of running game on side pieces.  So his so-called "honesty' actually puts him in a better position, because if he has to take a call from his girl he can do it right in front of you, or tell you that he is going to see her so that he is not hiding anything.  Now of course, he is deceiving his main girl, but trying to deceive multiple women, especially ones you ain't committed to, is just messy and kinda stupid truthfully. The guys that tell you the shyt after hooking up with you are punk muthafuccas.  Chickens.  If you make it plain that you see other people upfront it lets the female decide if she wants to be on her way or stick around.  That way ain't nobody's feelings really hurt cuz things were put on the table early.  And if she gets caught up then well...she already knew the deal.  I think that is very fair.  Now can I come out and be all honest like this?  Maybe.  Maybe not.  But because of the double standard that exists in this world against women you may not get the 'kudos' for being open like a man can.  I just say, 'I date' and let dudes take it from there.

So there it was.  I knew he had somebody before we even met, but to me that wasn't all that bad.  And for whatever reason, I decided to keep going even though I had not laid eyes on him yet.  In my mind I said he could go into the friend zone because the dialogue was interesting over the email.  I was intrigued.  He sounded like a cocky muthafucca, and some emails were so tense that he was starting to annoy me.  But for some reason I just had to see who this guy was.  Maybe it was the fact that I knew he had some high position at  his job.  I mean he sounded like he was boring and watched sports all the time.  He sounded judgmental too.  Not my style.  But something in my mind turned into pure curiosity and that is why I decided to meet him anyway.  I already had it my head that I wasn't gonna like him. 

The first date was described on the Cock Blocker post.  The second date was waaay better, but I smelled some signs of bossiness/inconsideration though.  Like for example, I TOTALLY HATE when I go on a date with a guy and the waitress asks if either of us wants a dessert and the guy replies “No” without asking me whether I did or not.  Especially when they are paying for the date.  It’s not like I want the damn dessert, but don’t be answering for me!  I’m a grown woman and can answer for myself.  I dunno but doing that move just burns my azz.  I think it is soooo inconsiderate but it seems that some dudes are totally clueless about this.  I just keep quiet and take the mental note, and deduct points off the scorecard when I get home.   

But even with that move, I was still feeling him.  He was looking all big and sexy so it didn't take too long for us to start kissing and doing 'whatever else'.  Giggle.  Like I always say, there are no rules.  His d*ck action was decent.  Looked aiight naked too.  Loves applying lubricant during sex though...like repeatedly?  I usually don't require that okay?  (wink)  I don't think even a 75 year old would use as much lubricant as he does.  For real.  I have never seen anyone use it in such large doses in my life!  Makes me think he got d*ck burn on somebody's dry coochie back in the days.  Or does he think his d*ck is that f*ckin' gargantuan?  Maybe I will ask him next time.   

After that we communicated literally everyday and I visited a few times.  Once I came over and we started messing around in the living room.  Usually we would take things upstairs but this time he wasn’t doing that.  I suggest to go upstairs and he says, ‘I like staying downstairs.”  Alarm.  I knew something was up with that response, but I just let it pass.  I figure I'll get my d*ck first and then if i remember later I'll ask about it.  But things are heating up even more and this couch ain't working, so we start to go up the stairs to his bedroom.  I go in his room, skirt down around my ankles, and then BAM....

Rewind: Standoff in the Subway

6:21pm.  Rush hour.

People are going every which way hustling to this train, and that bus, or whatever.  I get a glance of some subway performers flipping in the air and break dancing to loud music.  One of them stops to pass around a hat that onlookers throw money into. 

Everyone is moving fast.  Everyone seems wild eyed and full of energy.

Except this one lady.

It's 6:23pm and my train is at 6:32pm.  I have at least a five or six minute walk to get there, so yeah, I am running late...AS USUAL.

So I'm walking up the ramp and like I said this one lady stands out.  She looked like she just got off work and was tired.  White woman.  Late 40s/early 50s.  Plump.  She was carrying two bags and was kinda just slowly waddling down the walk ramp.  She stood out because she was the ONLY FOOL walking on the wrong side of the ramp.  Just like when you are driving...you always stay to the right in the subway.   Foot traffic moves a certain way just like regular traffic does.  There are rules in the subway yanno...unspoken laws that you must learn and abide by as a New Yorker.  But she clearly did not give a f*ck, and she was walking to the left going into the subway.  THE WRONG SIDE.  I was walking out of the subway and was staying to my right - like I was supposed to.  I saw her coming down like that, but I saw enough space between her and the railing that I could still get by her.  But as I get ready to pass her, she closes that space and walks right into me.   Then she presses her body against mine....

AND STOPS.  AND DOESN'T MOVE.

It's 6:25pm.

Me:  "Are you serious?"

Lady:  "I was here first."

Me:  "You're walking on the wrong side.  Everybody that's going into the subway is over there."

Lady:  (looking straight ahead and looking even more determined) "I was walking here first!"

So here we are, two grown azz women, bodies pressed against each other, stopped in the subway.  People are looking.  Although this woman looks pretty normal she obviously is crazy.  I'm bigger and taller than her and she don't even seem to care.  I know if I push her it's gonna be some shyt.  And I'm gonna miss my train too.

I look down at her and think to myself for a few seconds.  "Is she worth it?" 

The situation had a Civil Rights Movement kind of feel to it.  For real.  White vs. Black.  She had this air and attitude of entitlement about her.  I mean she might as well had said, "Get out of my way you n*gga."  It felt odd.  So I had to decide fast.  Was I gonna get Rosa Parks on her azz and stand my ground, or was I gonna be Martin Luther King and let her go?

It is now 6:26pm.  Six minutes left.

Me: (shaking head and laughing) "You know what, I have a train to catch.  I have no time for this.  Have a good day."  And I walk around her.

Lady:  "You have a good day too."  She was just as pleasant as pie.

"Stupid bitch", I spat.

I catch the train (barely), but I am sitting there steaming mad.  Not at her though.  At myself!

I was mad because I let her have her way.  Why did she feel that she could approach me in a threatening way like that?  Do I have the word "punk" etched on my damn forehead or something?  I was mad at myself because I should have stood my ground and pushed her azz out of the way.  I could have gotten on another train and it was not a big deal, and I used the reason for catching the train as an excuse to let this heifer slide.  I should not have let her get off that easy.  I felt like I had been punked and I didn't like the feeling.

Then I remembered how I read a few days before about a guy being convicted for killing a man in the subway who wouldn't move his bag off the seat so he could sit down.  I mean, you never know what people might do.  But still, I was mad.

So I call Chipotle.  He tells me I did the right thing by walking away but I still wasn't convinced.

Then I called Kim.  She asked me, "So would it have been better for y'all to be standing there like two fools refusing to move for each other?  The woman was clearly crazy and sometimes you just have to let those people go on."

The therapist agreed too.  She said I did the right thing.

But when I told the Tin Man, he said I should have pushed her.  In fact, when I told that story to any native New Yorker male they said I should have pushed her.  Interesting.

I dunno.  Maybe she was prejudiced.  Maybe she was crazy.  Maybe she had a bad day.  I feel I should have given her a harder time than I did.  She was clearly in the wrong and I should not have let that go like that.

I'll probably go the grave thinking I should have just knocked her on her azz and ran like I stole something.

Oh well...it was just another day in New York City I guess.  People are just short-tempered.  The other day I saw a man threatening to punch out a sista ringing the bell for the Salvation Army collection box.   I mean really, who picks a fight with a Salvation Army person?  Damn homie, dontcha know it's Christmas! 

I had a chance to redeem myself though because something happened the next week and I didn't back off...Cuz there was no way that I was having that shyt happen to me a second time.  NOPE. 

This time it was a man who thought he was gonna f*ck with me because I was by myself at the movies.  I have no regrets on how I handled that situation though.  NOT AT ALL.

I get tired of people trying to push me around.

I'll save that story for next time.  Going to the therapist at lunch.  I think I'm gonna talk about Tin Man and what happened with that.  Hope it's a good session.

Day #801: I am trifling

I guess it would seem like I had a helluva bday back on November 11 because I haven't been on here typing.  The real deal is that I would write when I was at work, but now...I have to ACTUALLY work.  So I can't get in my writing unless I do it at home.  And when I get home, I lay on that couch and start reaching for the toy and then I'm just done.  Ain't no kind of writing gonna be going on after that okay?  I curl up and start watching Judge Judy and then fall asleep.  :)

So bottom line, I gotta write at home.  These people at work actually make me work now.  It was cool to blog and read blogs and then get paid twice a month.  But those days are gone it seems. 

:( 

I'm sneaking this little quick thing in now at work just to get something posted, because it was getting ridiculous not keeping this up to date.  I can't stand myself, and I got three messages in the past week asking where I was.  That made me smile.  So I felt compelled to at least write SOMETHING today.

But it's not like I haven't had any stories to tell cuz man I do!  I'm gonna jot down a few things while they are in my mind so I don't forget.  So here are the highlights of the latest stories>

• Rihanna was cock blocking again with Shallow Hal at another meetup.   She is such an attention whore.  This time she was telling me how some dude called the cops on her and she got kicked outta his house.  I guess she was telling me the story so that I could be like, "Yeah girl, he's an asshole" and alla that.  And I did.  Until she started talking more, and then....
• I have been getting all of this info for "The Interview with a Cock Sucker" series and it is just TOO, TOO JUICY!!  And not all in good way.  That cock sucker part is not sitting with me too well though, so I'm still scratching my head on a title.  But still, that is no excuse not to blog.
• Uh...and Tin Man.  Um..well.  More later.
• Oh and lemme not forget about this lady who comes up to me in the subway and was ready to throw down!  Just outta nowhere.  And I was mad at myself on how I handled it.
• Oh and then get this!  I go outta town on my birthday and check a flick by myself while Shallow Hal is playing in his tournament right?  Then this dude and his son decide they wanna bully and f*ck with me in the theater!  Man, I was so damn hot!  I mean HOTTER THAN HOT!   I must share how that shyt went down cuz I was ready to go to jail that damn night.  For real.
• What else ---um online dating.  I met like four dudes or so.  Not many.  But of course I have scorecards to share.  I always have a nice time on the dates, but when I'm through I call Kim and we giggle over whatever it is that I say about them.  I hooked up with one back in the summer...but he was just all over the place (wow I forgot about him).  I even got a story to share about a dude I never met and how he told me he can't get a date.  I think I gave him some honest advice.  I think I am gonna copy and paste the message here on the blog.  Yeah, I'm nuts.  Oh and I can't forget the dude from Cali who texted me telling me how big his feet and hands were!  Only this type of shyt happens to me.  LOL.
• CONFESSION:  I'm addicted to this shopping website.  Seriously.  It's bad.  But I look fly though...if that counts for anything????
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• And I have been coaching my cousin who probably has so much dust on her coochie she would start a windstorm if a dude blew on it.  Trees gonna be falling over and garbage cans will be rolling in the streets when that shyt finally happens - I mean it's that dusty.  Word up.  I think she been on lock for like three years now?  God bless her!  But it's going down this weekend!  She finally gonna get her some from this dude that she met online.  The horniness was too much and think she finally hit her limit, so she gonna go 'head and get some tomorrow night.  I can hear the ANTICIPATION in her voice when she talks about the date.  So if y'all feel the ground shaking in the wee hours of Sunday morning it's probably my cousin having an orgasm out in Wisconsin.  And of course I'm gonna call her the next damn day and hear every word!  I bet she gonna be breathing all hard and acting ridiculous during it.  I can't wait to hear....and blog about it of course.  I hope dude brings his A game cuz lawd knows he got a big job in front of him.  To be silly I told her to take a picture of his d*ck and send it to me when he is sleeping.  Miss Goody Two Shoes ain't gonna do it though with her prissy azz.  It'll probably be soft when she got around to taking the picture and I don't wanna see that anyway.  I'm thinking I'm still gonna dare her to do it though...just for the hell of it. 

• I won $2000!  A little writing thing.  Yay me.  But I'm gonna save it...for real.

Aight...so lemme get back to work.  I gotta hit this shopping event at 5:30pm (bad, bad girl), then I gotta run home and put my sexy pants on to bartend tonight. 

Hmmm....I hope these muthafuccas tipping tonight.  But I already know how it is so I ain't gonna gas myself up.  I stopped doing that actually.  I just need to keep my eyes on the prize and earn what I spent this week.  I spent like $300 since yesterday shopping (some were for Xmas gifts though) so I gotta make it back tonight and tomorrow.

So I'll keep my fingers crossed.  More later.

Sorry for not keeping this up to date.  LakiSwirl is one of my heroes cuz she keeps her stuff fresh!  I need to try to do the same.

Sometimes...

I get kinda sad.

I get sad because I feel that I shouldn't be settling for people like Shallow Hal and Tin Man, but I guess deep down I must think...it's better than nothing?

Yeah right.

I mean...

If I could just take The Artist Formerly Known as Cornrows' niceness, loyalty and openness,
and take Shallow Hal's success, financial stability, and attentiveness,
and Tin Man's sexual capabilities
and roll it all it one dude,
I'd be straight.

But until I find that dude (or someone remotely close to that).  I guess I'll deal with the three I got.  It's too bad I can't think of any really good quality for Tin Man besides his dyck action though.  Oh..wait.  I got one.  He makes me laugh.  There ya go.  Besides that, that's all I can say about him. 


In any case, none of the situations are that cool but whatever. 

In other news...

• I haven't been on here in while because I have a series coming up, "Interview With a Cock Sucker".  Well maybe I won't call him that cuz that's kinda harsh.  So I'm still thinking of a title, but the first installment is coming next week. 
• My birthday is Friday.  Shallow Hal invited me out of town, but it wasn't like he invited me for my birthday so I ain't all giddy about the invitation.  He just happened to ask and the day to go just happens to be my birthday.  He MIGHT have done something for me though?  Yeah, possibly.  Honestly, he's just inviting me to have somebody to f*ck in between him playing in this tournament probably.  That's being real and I ain't gonna pretend like I don't know the deal.  I guess it's better than sitting around here doing nothing like I usually do on my birthday I guess.  So why not have a nice stiff one to play with that day?  LOL.  Ooh I am just awful aren't I?  But why front?  Females (and males) know they don't mind a little birthday sex so get the f*ck outta here if you try to look down on me for being real about it on this blog.  Anyway!  As for Shallow Hal, he is my type in a lot of ways...but he's just a dog.  A super dog as a matter fact.  I'll write more about him as he is the subject of the "Interview With a Cock Sucker" series.  I've heard of some muthafuccas in my time, but this one right here...wow!  As long as I don't criticize him he just keeps telling me more and more.  This series is gonna be quite interesting.
• Found out that you can actually FINANCE plastic surgery!  Mmmm....interesting.
• I guess I'm not gonna ever have a baby either.  With this birthday coming up, it's just not looking like it's gonna happen for me.  Not that I crave having one, but I guess I could.  I'm just a chicken.  I don't wanna get all big and outta shape.  I work out too hard to lose it all like that.  It's dumb to think this but I do.  I mean, what if I never go back to being fit?  It's a big fear of mine.  I don't want to LOOK like I had a baby you know?  You know how some women LOOK like they have had kids?  I know people go back to a nice size, but what if I don't?  Then, I don't know if I have the patience for noisy kids.  I was on the bus the other day and this kid was just making noise the entire bus ride.   I couldn't turn my music up loud enough to drown him out.  It scares me that I have such a low tolerance for kid noise.
• I am masturbating waayyy too much.  I think about sex a lot.  And I mean a lot.  I even masturbate in the bathroom at work sometimes.  It's really a strange thing going on with me.  Too bad I have to waste my sex drive on dudes that I know that I won't have anything real with.  I think I'm really gonna try to find me a real sweetie this time, and try to stop fast forwarding my mind to the sex stuff. 
 

Anyway that's it for now.  Writing this made me feel a little better.  Still sad, but not as sad as before.