The Last Straw???

I don't get many comments on here, but what I read in response to my last Tin Man post really resonated with me.   Maybe it's my obssessive ways coming out, but I read some of them a few times - well more than a few times.  It seems that we women have a lot in common when it comes to men and relationships:

"Sounds like my ex."
"Sounds like my situation."
"I went through the same thing."

So it felt good for people to understand what I was feeling.  Like I wasn't alone. 

But then I wanted to know more.  I wanted to know more about how people handled their ex, their situation, or their "same thing."  

I mean, what made you walk away?   We women take a LOT of shyt from dudes.  I'm sure we can relate to Beyonce's lyrics:

There was a time
I thought, that you did everything right
No lies, no wrong
Boy I, must've been outta my mind
So when I think of the time that I almost loved you
You showed your ass and I saw the real you

Thank God you blew it
Thank God I dodged the bullet
I'm so over you
So baby good lookin' out

Can you feel what she is saying right there?  I know I can.  

Especially that "showed your ass" part.  

When it's playing in my car, I sing that part as loud as I fuggin' can ---
WITH the windows down,
and my hands twirlin',
and my head movin' back and forth.
I be in full SISTA GYRL mode for real on that joint.  LOL.

(gettin' off track)

Ok, ok.  So this is what I wanna do.  I wanna ask others...
what made you say that you finally had enough? 

How many times did he/she let you down, cheat, lie, be mean and you just had to walk away?

Or was it him/her that walked away?  Why?


Or maybe it wasn't him/her?  Maybe it was you and you let him/her down?

Did you fall out of love?  Meet someone new?  Did you just lose the spark and know that you just couldn't go on with him/her anymore?

I'm sure that there are so many stories, and maybe if we shared them, our eyes might open up a little bigger.  Asking this is a risk because I might not even get anyone to respond, but I'll roll the dice anyway.

so what was the last straw in your relationship?

 

what did it take for you to walk away and make it stick?

Maybe if I read what y'all say, I think I might (well WE might) be able to fine tune our bullshyt radars a little bit mo'.  Are you game?

(light bulb moment)

Hmmm, I got an idea! But let's see what happens with this post first. 


Thanks for reading about my chit y'all.  I seem to talk about any damn thing.  Freely (maybe too freely).  Who woulda thought I would have the guts to do so?  It's official! 

I'm all growed up.

Buy Me Some Happiness..

I couldn't sleep last night. 

Anything and everything was on my mind from getting a nose job to Tin Man to online dating to the product that I am supposed to be trying to develop.  A lot of thinking and zero 'doing'.  And I do mean ZERO.

Clothes and shoes just lay in piles in the corner and on the bed until I just can't stand it anymore (and that may take a week or two for me to get to that point).  I'll take the dirty sheets off the bed, and then won't put new sheets on it for days.  I take out the clean sheets and pillowcases, but I don't put them on.  I'll just lay on top of them instead.  Weird.

And the couch.  Man this couch is like my new boyfriend or something.  I find myself laying on it with the TV off, in the dark, with just a pair of panties on, embracing the decorative pillows --- just thinking crazy thoughts.  In dead quiet.  For hours.   I can't even watch a TV show or movie straight through anymore.  I can focus on it for maybe 15 minutes and then I pause the TV.  It takes me days to watch a one hour show sometimes.  It's crazy.  No wonder my head has been hurting lately.  My mind is always racing, racing, racing.  Too many things going on in there.

 

_______________________________________________________________________________

I did another surgery yesterday.  On my earlobe.  The stretching wasn't terrible, but it wasn't cute either.  I coulda lived with it, but why should I?  No one noticed it or ever said anything about it, so why after all of these years did I bother doing it? 

(takes deep breath)

Because someone said that I had flaws.  A mean someone said I had flaws.  Recently.  Just to hurt me.  Now they didn't say what the flaws were, and if I asked I'm sure they would have told me.  But I didn't want to ask because I didn't want to hear it.  I should have asked anyway though, because later all I did was torture myself and wonder what they could have meant by the "flaws" statement.  Were they talking about my looks?  My personality? 

(to myself)

"Nah, it couldn't be my personality cuz I'm a cool azz chick.  So he must have been talking about something physical."

This is where my mind went with it.   Straight to Crazy Town.  I guess I haven't heard anything negative like that since my teenage days that it floored me.  It brought me right back to remembering the occasional shyt my mother used to tell me when I was younger. 

She used to tell me to squeeze my nose so it wouldn't be so wide in the middle. 

She told me to hold my lips a certain way so that wouldn't look so full. 

She has 'nice' hair but instead I got my father's hair - the coarse stuff that you had to straighten with a pressing comb. 

My hair.  My hair.  My hair! 

She was forever telling me to 'fix it'. 

Fix it.  Fix it.  Fix it! 

 

For years I heard this.  When you think that your own mother is telling you you're not okay the way you are --- you carry that with you forever.  I don't think I ever heard her tell me that I was pretty or cute or smart or anything like that.  I know she didn't mean it to be mean.  I think she was trying to help me I guess?  But it didn't, and I would never tell her that either because she will probably just say, "Aw you still remembering that?  Oh my God!  You just need to MOVE ON!"  So I will probably never tell her that it bothered me and just made me an insecure mess cuz I don't want to hurt HER feelings.  Mine have already been hurt so no need to drag her into the pot too.  But the slightest mention of a flaw, or a comment on my nose or appearance...something comes over me.  I revert back to yesteryear and I turn into the insecure eleven year old again.

Now that I am older and figured out to make what I have work for me, I don't hear those things anymore.  A lot of times you get attention not just because you have a pretty face, but it's also in how you move and the way you carry yourself.  I'm grown and sexy now, and I seem to do okay I guess.  I just learned how to use other things to increase my attractiveness, but no way am I 'cured'.  I never take compliments well.  Never. 

"You have flaws and I'm compromising with those because I said to myself everyone can't be perfect."

Yep.  That's what was said to me.  My feelings were smashed like a bug, and the next week I go running to the plastic surgeon for a consultation.  I asked about this and that, and how much this and that would cost. Thousands.  Yep.  Thousands.

Doctor:  "What's wrong with your nose?"

(insert a WTF face here)

I told the therapist I went.  She had the same WTF look expression on her face too. 

Therapist:   "If a plastic surgeon said that to you then what does that tell you then about your nose?"

Me:  "Well what else would he say?  I mean he can't be like, 'Oh yeah I see what you mean? Damn!'  I mean he wouldn't be so bold as to say that right?  That's what he is supposed to say - 'what's wrong?'"

After she listened to my rationalization, she just looked at me and frowned.  Oh well.  LOL. 

Then I explained it to her.  I told her the story about what my moms would say to me, and how people would say mean stuff to me when I was younger.  Even to this day, she is telling my brother to squeeze his newborn baby girl's nose too.  See what I mean?  She is obsessed with noses and she has got me doing the same damn thing!

So after I took my therapist on a trip down memory lane with me, she said something that I thought was really cool.  She said well you have one life, and you want to be happy.  People get tummy tucks, bigger boobs, and nose jobs because they feel it would make them happier and make them feel good, and there's nothing wrong with that.  If the surgery makes you happy and helps you to get past the bad childhood memories and feelings then do it.  If changing something physically about yourself helps you mentally then there is nothing wrong choosing plastic surgery for yourself.

Cool!  Sounds good to me.  I like my therapist a lot.

So yesterday I went and did something small.  I fixed my ear.  It kinda hurts today but when it's all healed it will look gooooood!!  I already did my toes last year and I love them!  I did my teeth and I love them!  So imagine if I could love my nose too??!  The thought of it just makes me smile.


As for the naysayers, I told a  couple folks about it and they think I'm nutty.  My friend Kim says that I have a Nubian nose and I should be proud of that, and she asked why am I trying to look like the Europeans (white folk).  Girl...I don't have to prove my Nubian-ness to anyone with my nose!  My complexion and my lips represents my Nubianism plenty enough.  She knows I ain't listening to her and that Nubian shyt so that's that.  I'm not trying to get a skinny nose, just a slimmer one.  I think I will just keep my mouth shut about it from this point on though.  Dayum.  Now I see why people don't tell others that they want to change something because they look at you crazy, criticize you, and say even meaner things to you to make you feel worse.  So no more discussions.  With anybody. 

But you know what was surprising about my office visit?  There were five chicks in the waiting room...and they were all Black!  For some reason seeing that kinda bugged me out.  What they were getting done I don't know.  There was one American (i.e., home grown), and the others were from Africa and the Caribbean.    I guess they  all were in there trying to find 'happiness' too  --- or at least they were in there asking how much 'happiness' would cost them.   

So there.  I put it out there.  It's kinda scary too, but then liberating at the same time.  I am really exposing something that has been buried so deep inside me for all of these years, but I consider it the first step to being comfortable with whatever decision I choose to make down the road.   I mean in reality there is probably nothing really wrong with my nose, but I just think it can look better that's all.  And what's wrong with wanting to look better?  Nothing if you ask me. 

I only get one life, so why not be happy?

(MORAL OF THIS STORY:  Be careful what you say to your kids cuz you never know how it will affect them later.  The smallest statement can stick with them for life.)

Was It Destiny? - Part II

Saw the Tin Man...again.  Yep.  The second time in two weeks.  For weeks I wouldn't see his azz when I wanted to, and now that I don't want to there he is.  What the hell is going on?

I was coming out of the subway and he walked past me.  Because he was staring at his phone (as usual), he didn't see me at first.  Before I could talk myself out of it I poked him on the arm.

"Unbelievable."

He turns to look back at me. 

I say it again, "Unbelievable that I'm seeing you again."

He walks back towards me.  His demeanor wasn't all smiley faced like it was when I saw him last week though.  "Well I do work around here, what's so unbelievable?"

Asshole reply.  Well hey I hang out around there too so what?  I don't see the same people when I pass by there.   STFU.  Wanna be a bitch today?

This time it was different.  No hug or kiss like he usually gives.  He was a statue.  Ice cold in the 95 degree heat.  It was awkward.  Very awkward.

We chat a little.  He compliments me on my hair and my lip gloss.  He asks about my new place, etc.  Then he asks where I am going.  I point to the bar where the Tenderoni is waiting for me (oh I forgot to mention that the Tenderoni asked me to meet him at that bar where I was going.)

"I'll walk you over there."

A little voice in my head said, "Uh oh.  Bad idea."  But I didn't listen. 

So we walk and get in front of the bar, and just as we approach...the Tenderoni walks out and looks dead at me and Tin Man walking up.

"Shit."  I said to myself. 

I don't think Tin Man was looking though, but I held my finger up to indicate to Tenderoni to give me a few minutes.  He says nothing and does not stop.  He leaves the bar and continues to walk down the street.

But I stay there and talk to Tin Man anyway?  Something cemented me to that spot and I couldn't move.  I didn't care that Tenderoni had been waiting on me for twenty minutes either.  I didn't care if he left.  Bad I know.

So we chat some more.  Just small talk.  Tin Man was acting weird.  He was oozing with that, "I don't care vibe"  too.  So when I peeped that I asked if I was keeping him from something  and he said no.  Cool...then his demeanor changed slightly.  We talked about little things like my bartending and my car, but he continued to act weird by making faces and dropping hints about how he is always solo and doing his own thing and alla that.  Like he is just having a ball right now in his life.

Mmmm....ok.  Well what did it look like I was doing last week when you saw me?  And now Mr. Tin Man?  One monkey don't stop no show for me.  It never has.

I made a mistake though.  He said he was going to the movies and with a big cheesy smile I asked if he had a date.  Ugh.  Why did I do that?  Anyhow he said no, and reaffirmed how he is by himself 99% of the time.  Whateverreeeeee....

Anyways the convo wasn't bad and things were getting more comfortable between us.  But I couldn't stand there long because Tenderoni was still waiting...I think.  After about five minutes I had to part ways.  I just needed to make sure I said it first.  The departure was abrupt and awkward, but I couldn't focus on it at the moment.  I was feeling guilty about Tenderoni.  I desperately start looking for him.  He didn't pick up the phone after I called it twice.  I stood there shaking my head and then I sent him a text asking if he was mad at me.

"I'm here."

Whew.  Good.  So I went back into the bar and he met me in there.  We went out and had kind of nice time.  He CLAIMS he wasn't mad about me talking to Tin Man, but moreso about me being late.  Oh well.  Shyt I am always late and I told him that.  But whatever, on the surface he seemed to get past it but I honestly I don't think so.  In fact he brought it up yesterday on the phone.  He thought I was playing him because he is young.  Nah, I told him.  For the greater good of everyone, it was good that I stopped to talk.  LOL.  Yeah that's bullshyt right?  I know.  The therapist hinted at that being foul too, but it's too late now.  All I can do is apologize and that's that.

But as for these two chance meetings with Tin Man...I NEVER happened upon him anywhere, and now I see him two weeks in a row?  If I had known that all I needed to do was go to The Village to catch him I would have been doing that when things were cool.  So I have to believe that we crossed paths for a reason, and especially this second time because I actually got to talk to him. 

And that talk, as short as it was, was very enlightening.  Once I got settled with Tenderoni and had a chance to think I said to myself...I THOUGHT HE WAS THE ONE, BUT HE'S NOT.  He's really not.  

Thank the lawd.  After nine months the fever has finally broken.

I think that is why he was put in my path again?  I'll admit that this past weekend I was tripping and remembering him and wishing things weren't the way they were.  The universe heard me and said, "Ok we gotta put a stop to this shyt."  So he was dropped in my path again, and it was for me to really take a good look at him again.

And what did I see?  I saw that...

• He just wasn't that cute anymore.  Body is banging but he just wasn't that fine anymore for some reason.  I had given him a pass on his nose and teeth but I just seemed to notice them more as I stood there.  The rose colored glasses transformed into regular sunglasses as I stood there looking at him.
• He acts weird and says weird stuff.  
• He says crazy things as if to self sabotage himself.  "Yep, I drink everyday."  "Yep 99% of the time I'm by myself."  And he has lied about stuff and I caught him in the lie.
• The urge was gone.  I used to just pounce on him and kiss and hug him, but nothing made me want to do that anymore. 
• Talking to him is a struggle.  Guys who think they are 'smarter than the average bear' are forever trying to analyze your statements and minimize your thoughts.
• He is mad defensive and attacks you.  Because I said it was unbelievable that I saw him again and I had this look of "WTF" on my face,  he shoots back with that "Well I work around here so what's so unbelievable about it".  Bullshyt.  This is NYC and there are mad people here.  I go over there all the time and NEVER see the same people every time I am over there.  There were 100 people watching a basketball game on the street corner and another 50 or so coming out of the subway.  But I see your azz?  It is unbelievable muthafucca and I don't care what you say.
• He tries sooo hard to put on this "I am The Lone Wolf Show", where he says these little things to make it clear that he will be obligated to no one.  Last time we spoke he yelled, "No one is gonna tell me how to life my life!"  I don't know where that came from, but that statement was very telling to me.  It told me that he might feel that a female will consume him and that he can't be his own man if he bends for a woman.  He looks at relationships and closeness as a burden and full of obligation, instead of thinking how a woman can enhance or add to his life.  He claims that he won't make promises, and now I see why.  He doesn't want to have to live up to the promise.  That is too much of a commitment, even something as simple as him saying that he will take you out.  No matter what he tells you, he has the option to cancel.  And he exercised that option on I don't know how many occassions.
• He might have a personality disorder.  A few months ago I was talking to the therapist and she said that based on the things that he was saying and doing to me.  Standing there in the hot sun listening to all of his "Yeps" and remembering all of the shitty things he did and said to me makes me think that she is right.  She warned me that he was mean, but I didn't listen.

I could go on and on so lemme stop.  I went to the therapist yesterday and talked to her about it.  Again she asked me what was it that was drawing me to him.  And you know, I can't seem to give her a straight answer!!!!  I guess I WANTED him to be the one for me, even though he never did anything to prove that he could be.   I created something in my head I think.  It makes me think that I don't know how to recognize love.   I thought I was in love with a man who had demonstrated more than enough times to me that he wasn't capable of that. 

So yeah, I played myself.

And honestly, I need to be kicked dead in my azz for being such a dum-dum.

Yes I was a fool.  Yes people tried to warn me but I...I don't know why I couldn't see it for myself.

No, I can't believe that I put up with his bullshyt, but I did.

Yes I got caught up. 

Yes I wanted him to be the one. 

No, he never showed me that he could be the one so what the f*ck was I thinking?

Yes I tried to leave him alone several times but for some reason I kept going back.

No he didn't make me feel good and he shyt on me more times than I can count. But he would always come back saying some nicety shyt to get me to move past it.

And finally the answer is yes that I know that he manipulated the fallout between us so that it looks like it's my fault that things are done.  And my reply to that is yes that he is a looney muthafucca for putting that shyt in his mind.  It is ALL HIS FAULT that things are the way they are, but it is my fault that I let him do it. 

The therapist said it simple and plain:

"Men have NO INCENTIVE to change.  They have no reason to because they will always find another woman to put up with their weirdness, vagueness, rigidity, drama, indifference, assholeness, brokeness, meanness, lameness, etc.  So what you see is what you get. He won't change because there will always be another one to take your place."

And she's right.  There is always another one.  Just like me.

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So was it destiny that I saw him again?  Was it fate?

I say yes.  Something in the universe wanted me to snap of out of this shyt for good.  The universe heard me this past weekend, acting all sappy and thinking this brotha was the one for me.  I even said to myself that I was losing my mind.  It was that bad.  The universe heard that and came in and did an intervention to move me past this nonsense. 

And it did.  It's all clear to me now.

As we stood on that NYC street, talking in the hot sun, I realized once and for all why it made sense to rename him from Pretty Brown to the Tin Man.  He has no heart.  He only thinks of himself.  He is mean. 

People say that no matter how fine a person is on the outside, how that person is on the inside can make them the ugliest person on Earth.

(sighing)

And I hate to use the word 'ugly' for a person because I think it's a hurtful word.  But as much as it pains me to write this....

(thinks to self)

The other day, I saw the ugliest man I have ever known in my life.









 

   

Will the real Tin Man please stand up?

Haha.  Might as well get a little laugh out of it if I can right?  If I ever see him again I'm going pull out my phone and look at this picture just to remind me of what's really behind the exterior.

Although I didn't dodge the bullet in time, he was put in my path a second time for reason.  It was for me to see that he is not the beautiful person that I thought could be for me.  And THIS TIME, I really, really, really mean that.

So thank you God.  Thank you universe.

Thank you for rescuing me from this mental hell, and it feels good to finally exhale.

Was It Destiny?

I was kinda geeked to see Hot Chocolate after almost 18 months.  It was a last minute thing so I showed up in my work dress, but thank goodness that I got my new sexy shoes delivered earlier in the day.  They gave me an extra four and half inches of emergency sexy just in the nick of time.

I enter the spot.  It was mad hot outside so I was happy to get out of the heat.  Hot Chocolate is not there yet so I make my way to the bar to cop a couple of seats for us.  But guess who I see sitting there?

TIN MAN --- a.k.a. Ike Turner, a.k.a "The Artist Formerly Known as Pretty Brown."

I jumped like I saw a mouse.  I retreated and sat at the bar tables where his back would now be to me.  I gasped for air.  My heart was beating so fast.  I quickly tried to decide whether to leave or not.  I pull out the phone to text Hot Chocolate to meet me somewhere else.  But I wasn't sitting there one minute before the cocktail waitress trotted up to me with menus and asked me for my drink order.  Damn!  This was a fine time for this gal to do her job right!  Any other time I would have been sitting there waiting on someone to serve me - but nooooo, not today.  I wanted to go, but instead I mindlessly asked for a rum and coke.  Huh?  It was like it just came out of mouth without my approval or something.  Ugh.  So now I'm committed, I ordered a drink.  I'm texting Hot Chocolate asking where he is.  Maybe he was far enough away for me to gulp down the drink and bounce.

"I'm right down the street."

Oh lawd.  Ok.  Ok.  So what do I do?  What do I do?  I'm talking to myself.  I'm looking at Tin Man's back and saying, "He was mean to me.  He was mean to me."  I wanna be mad.  I wanna just ignore him.  But I know I can't do that.

I quickly sent a text to Kim asking her if I should speak to him or not.  As I'm waiting, I'm squirming in my seat because I gotta use the bathroom.  But I was frozen in my place because I have to pass him in order to get to it.  SHYT!  Come on Kim, call me back!  Please!

Hot Chocolate texts and says he can't find the place.  Good.  That gave me a couple of minutes to think.  Kim calls two minutes later.  Good azz friend.  She says "Go ahead and speak.  Just be cool."  She tries to ask me other things but I was just too overwhelmed to talk.  I had to get off that phone.

"Ok.  I'll speak", I told her before hanging up.

Hot Chocolate finally makes it.  Dayum he looked soooo good, but I couldn't even take it all in because Tin Man was in my midst and I thought he would turn around if he heard my voice.  I kept my voice low.  We chit chatted for a minute, and just as I was about to say let's go to another spot, here comes that damn cocktail waitress doing her job again!  He orders a drink.  Sigh.  I guess I'm staying now.  I can't wait another minute though.  I gotta go the bathroom.  Time to pass The Tin Man.  

Here. We. Go.

I walk over to Tin Man and tap him once on his back.  He turns and doesn't seem to recognize me at first (blame it on the new wig with the purple highlights :)).  Then in a few seconds he does.  We look at each other without saying a word.  Then he smiles - in disbelief if you ask me.

"Fancy seeing you here sir."  I kept my shades on because my eyes would tell him too much.

With a big smile he says, "I just got off work."

I extend my hand to shake his, but he stands up, kisses me on the cheek and gives me a hug.  Then I make small talk.  Very small talk.  Where did you come from?  How do you feel?  Then abruptly and without any expression I say, "I gotta go to the bathroom."

I walked away.  Did he watch me?  I wonder.

I enter the bathroom and put my face in my hands.  I can't believe this.  There are ten thousand bars in this city, and I end up going to one where the guy who shyt on my heart is having a damn Red Stripe.  I stand there for a few minutes buggin' out.

Then someone calls my

name  from the other side of the bathroom door.

"Yeah?"

"It's (Tin Man).  Can I talk to you?"

I open the door to come out looking confused, but he blocks my way.  He pushes me back inside the tiny bathroom and locks the door.

"What are you doing?"

With a strained face he says, "I'm sorry.  I'm sooooo sorry.  I miss you soooo much. 

I was wrong for being that way to you."

"What way?"

"Just everything.  I like you and I don't know what's wrong with me.  I don't like that I can't talk to you."

I couldn't speak.  I was in shock.  The emotion was building inside of me and I just want to cry behind my shades.  But I couldn't.  I wouldn't.

I just look down at the floor.  Speechless.  I felt my jaw tighten and I moved towards the door.

He reaches to take off my sunglasses.

"You look great."

I look and smile.  "Thank you.  Um, come on let's go now.  We gotta get out of this bathroom."

I look into his face waiting for him to open the door.  I look at his mouth.  His lips.  My heart is beating fast again.

He kisses me.  Hard.  I kiss him back.  He embraces me and the kisses become softer and more passionate.  I'm melting.  My head is swimming.  It's like I'm high or drunk.  This is not making any sense.  I forget where we are.  Things are moving too fast.  Too fast.  I feel my dress rising up my thigh, but I don't stop him.   He turns me around to the wall and then...I feel it.  I feel him.  I want to moan, but I hold it in.  I remember now.  We are in a NYC bathroom.  I gotta be quiet.  I gotta be quiet!

He feels so good.  So good.

Knock. Knock. Knock. 

"Uh, someone is in here.  You can use the guy's bathroom though." 

I quickly turn the water on but we don't stop.  When I hear the other bathroom door open and close, I turn to him and my eyes tell him to stop.  He does.  Tin Man smiles at me, pulls up his pants, and kisses my cheek. 

"Can I see you later?"

"Um, ok."

He touches my face and hugs me tightly.  "I miss you."

He walks out.  I check myself in the mirror, put my sunglasses back on, and walk back to
Hot Chocolate like nothing happened.

"Damn, where you been?"

"Sorry suga.  My mother called me and I was talking to her.  Want another drink?"

I smile, and take a sip of my drink --- all the while hiding the real truth behind my sexy sunglasses. 

Sensuality Tonight? - The Recap

I really hate that I didn't come out here the next day after the Sensuality Class because it actually was pretty cool.  I wanted to remember every little detail so I will do best to re-live the night.  I left there feeling kinda sexy.  I was meowing and purring all the way to the subway honey!  It was sexy up in there, for real.

For starters, the teacher wasn't exactly what I pictured in my head. I guess I was expecting somebody like Stiffler's mom to be teaching it....

Somebody that was oozing so much sex that I could take some home and sprinkle it on my food.  But nope.  Not at all. 

She was more like this:

No lie.  LOL.  The chick was straight outta the 60s---Yoko Ono hairdo, earthy looking, no makeup, and mad skinny.  She was just plain.  Regular.  So at first I was like what does this chick know about being sexy and sensual?   Cuz she sho' didn't look it.  So of course I was asking myself what in the world could this woman tell me about sensuality and being sexy. 

Then she started talking and boy was I wrong!  She was dropping the d*ck and f*ck word like it wasn't nothing.  It just goes to show you that you can't judge a book by its cover.  Like that chick from the movie American Pie, she looked and talked nerdy but then hopped on dude and said, "Say my name BITCH!"   Well just like I was surprised to see Miss Band Camp let her inner freak out, this instructor was a freak too.  So after about ten minutes of her rap to us, she had my TOTAL attention.


So again, this was kinda like a class.  She asked questions that your gynecologist probably wouldn't even ask.  She asked how many of us actually look at our va-jay-jay.  But she didn't say va-jay-jay of course , chick said it straight and plain, "When was the last time you looked at your pussy?"  BOOM.  The room fell silent, then a few people raised their hands.  That was sorta the ice breaker I guess.  I look at mine pretty regularly truth be told.  Giggle.  Especially when I'm using my toy.  Buying a bed with a mirror on the headboard was one of the smartest things I ever did.  Who knew that it would still bring me so much visual pleasure? 

Aiight so back to the class.   We did different activities that built us up to the grand finale.  The grand finale was that we had to go around and pick a question out of basket to answer.  And these weren't questions for the lightweights either.  The questions were straight freaky, no easy shyt, and didn't really let you skirt around answering things.  Yoko Ono shut that down if you tried though; you had to talk for two minutes on the question and she had a timer.  TWO WHOLE MINUTES.  That's a lot of time.  The more people talked, the more detail they had to give, because Yoko wouldn't let up.  So again, never judge a book by its cover, because those innocent chicks in that room started talking...and talking...and painting pictures for me that made squirm in my seat.  Black chicks, White chicks, foreign chicks, they all was up in there telling their tales. 

Then it was my turn. 

"What's your biggest fantasy?"

Not the freakiest question, but to talk about it for two minutes was not as easy as I thought.  Honestly, I don't really fantasize about what I would like to do sexually.  I probably fantasize more about being in love and someone liking me and me liking that person back with the same intensity.  Yeah...see that right there, that is what a damn fantasy is for me.  BEING IN LOVE, or having sex with someone that I love.  Sometimes that sounds soooo impossible.  Like a dream.  Love IS a fantasy as far as I'm concerned.

But if I do think about sexual thangs, it's more about who I was with and what we did.  I'm more into replaying sexual encounters in my mind for the most part.  The toys assist me as needed, but sometimes my mind does plenty enough.   I fantasize about past encounters, and then include the romantic and sweet things that I wish could have happened during that encounter.  I imagine stuff like the guy touching my face, whispering sweet nothings in my ear, intertwining his fingers with mine, or touching my hair (of course that's after I take the wig off, wash it, and flat iron it. Otherwise don't touch my chit!  Reminds of that Whip My Hair post that I had a while back.)   So when it was my turn to tell my fantasy, I had to think.  Hard.  I wanted my story to be genuine.  (Pause)  Thinking and thinking.  All eyes were on me and nothing would come out of my mouth.  So I went deep down and finally said it. 

"My fantasy is...

(drum roll)

To have a guy and a girl doing me." 

Big deal right?  Not earth shattering either.  But she gently pushed me to describe in detail what would happen.  And I did.  In front of ten women I did not even know.  It was a little uncomfortable, not because people were looking at me, but because I honestly hadn't thought about it or talked about it much.  Funny thing, to sit there and say it outloud was actually pretty liberating.  It really was.  To verbalize it like that to other people (not just some dude), made me want to make it happen.  The more I spoke the more I wanted to put the wheels in motion and make it a reality.  It was sounding so good that after I told my story I had to send a text to my jump off to come over.  I had too much sexual tension built up to let only the toy faciliate my fun that night.  I needed some dirty talk bad.

Hmmmm...I should write a blog entry on that fantasy so I can get into some detail.  I dunno, we will see. 

So I told my story, and I was kinda glad my turn was over.  But the other stories?  Wooo chile!  There was the most innocent, freckle faced, red haired chick in the room and her question was "What was the freakiest thing you ever did?"  She was very soft spoken, and very conservatively dressed. You know, just quiet looking. 

I was like expecting some wishy washy story from her but it was hardly that!  At first it sounded all cute and dreamy.  She was in a bar and meet this Navy dude in uniform.  They were talking.  Then they were dancing.  He told her she was sexy.  They hopped in a cab.  Then they were in a hotel room.  Then with the biggest smile on her face she said, "He f*cked the shyt outta me and it was so great!" 

I almost fell outta my chair.  What the hell?

That room had all the undercover chicks coming out of their shell.  Another Black chick talked about how much she liked to give blow jobs.  The story was starting off slow but Yoko quietly pushed her into talking more.  Man!  I have never heard d*ck sucking described in so much detail in my life.  She described how it felt in her mouth, how it felt when the guy is on the brink..."I love the feeling that he is under my control.  That I am controlling his pleasure."  She did a good azz job and painted a helluva picture I tell ya.  When her two minutes were up I thought she was gonna run out of the room as if she had just confessed to killing somebody.  You could tell it was a bit much for her to verbalize something that was just in her mind.  Hell, she made me wanna call somebody up for a BJ session myself.  She made it sound so sexy and sensual, not disgusting or dirty, and I thought that was so cool.

So I left the Sensuality Class feeling pretty good.  I felt sexy and liberated.  I told on myself and it actually wasn't THAT bad!  It was different than talking about things on the blog.  I felt as if I really wanted to make that fantasy happen too. This chick approached me at the end of the class and praised me for being honest and open.  She was like, "Do it.  I did."  (Another confession from an innocent looking white chick.)  Maybe talking on this blog has helped me to be more open about talking about my sexy though. In fact I know it has.  I'm not scared about what people think or what they will say or how high they raise their eyebrows when it comes to my sex life.  Ain't nobody gotta like what I do but me.  

What's next?  I have to think about who could set it up for me.  I mean I could do it, but I like the idea of someone else setting it up and choosing the players and the situation.  I just wanna show up ready to be pleased.  I want to be the Guest of Honor and the players prepare themselves for ME.  Unfortunately I don't have access to chicks like that; but I do have access to the men though.  I got one dude in mind, but I think his pool of contacts might have a Shenehneh or two in the mix.  Nuh uh!  I don't want anybody with bullet holes in their azz -- I want a sexy chick.  I remember a few years ago this dude I messing with was trying soooo hard to set up this threesome with another girl, but the mistake he made was that he seemed to want it to jump off for himself more than for the both of us.  When I picked up on that vibe it just turned me off.  We would be in the middle of doing it and then he would call up this 'prospect' so that she could hear me moaning or whatever.  But even with that, he just wasn't getting my head wrapped around the idea enough.  I mean I have done a threesome here or there in the past, but then I WAS trying to please somebody else at the time.  Not no mo' though.  It's gotta be about me too if I go there again. 

Wait a sec.  I met this dude on Match and he might be the one to do this!  He's like ten years younger than me, but man oh man, talk about somebody packing?  My lawd.  I just had to get a sample, I couldn't help myself once I felt it on my leg.  Giggle.  So maybe.  I'll put it out there and see what he says.  Honestly though, I think I would rather do that with two strangers than someone I know anyway.  For some reason I think that would be the best scenario.  We shall see.

In other news...

Guess who I'm gonna see tonight???  Hot Chocolate.  Yeah, that one who said he didn't want a Black chick (Cougarisms, I Don't Want A Black Chick).  I asked him if he wanted to have a drink last week and he said sure.  I haven't see him in a long time so we will just shoot the breeze. I already know the deal with this one so it won't be any haps -- he wants Asian booty only.  Hey that's fine.  I did a little research on that Asian fetish thing so I got it now.  I'm just glad that I can be in a place with past romantic interests where we can still hang out.  I don't know why some females think that is strange or weird though.  The main ones who always boast about "cutting" dudes off all the time be the most uptight, bitter, and the pickiest if you ask me.  And guess what?  They still end up with a buster every now and then any f*ckin' way!  So much for your high standards and character checklists.  LOL.  Oh and lemme tell you this too, you don't get a prize just because you ain't talking to a past fella anymore.  Big. F*ckin'.  Deal.  And I don't get a prize for continuing to talk to them either.  You ain't better than me and I'm not better than you so don't put yourself on a pedestal my dear.  You're not STRONGER than me, I think you are just more BITTER than me that's all.

I'm just having fun anyways.  And in three hours that's exactly what I'll be doing...having fun with Hot Chocolate, the Asian Booty Lover.  I'm sick of all of these relationship rules.  I do and see and talk to who I want.  

Booty Call Etiquette

Lawd have mercy on me for writing this, but after a recent encounter I feel that I must.

Can I talk about booty calls today? 
Or if booty call is too harsh and crude for some, I'll call it a 'grown and sexy rendevous'. 
But whatever you wanna call it, can I chat about it from a female perspective?

I'm not an expert on sex or men or anything, so what I write is just my thoughts on the whole booty call thing after a VERY INTERESTING evening with one particular brotha....

BOOTY CALL ETIQUETTE: 

(THIS IS JUST A RANT.  NOT TELLING ANYONE ELSE HOW TO CONDUCT THEIR BOOTY CALLS OK?)

Cardinal Rule #1 on Booty Call Etiquette

It's not just simply about getting the booty fellas. 

It's also about what you do prior to that. 
You need to warm the engine up before you wanna start driving.

Don't come to the door with your damn pants down and tongue hanging out like a hungry azz dog!

You just don't come to the door with a hard stick ready to f*ck! If you are looking and acting thirsty and you haven't been at my crib for ten minutes, I'm just gonna get turned off.  I mean I know why you're coming over, but damn, can you at least be calm, cool, and collected about the shyt?  Even in pornos they do some dumb dialogue in the beginnnng before things get started.  I mean thanks for being excited about seeing me but at least be smooth about it.   Don't be putting your paws all over me or try to ram your tongue down my throat like you're thirteen years old.  Don't rub my coochie all hard trying to burn my shyt.  Don't thrust your hand up my shirt grabbing my boobs like you trying to get my milk up for breast feeding.  Read the situation first and ease me into the mood - or at least try anyways.

Cardinal Rule #2 on Booty Call Etiquette

Don't show up empty here handed muthafucca.

Don't you dare show up at my spot empty handed you big dummy! Don't you dare.  Come bearing gifts, especially if this is your first time at my spot.  As a matter of fact, even if it is not a booty call yo azz better bring something if it is your first visit.  That means stop and get a bottle of wine BEFORE YOU GET HERE.  Ask me what I like to drink BEFORE YOU GET HERE and go pick it up.  Don't get here, realize your mistake, and then try to leave out trying to find an open liquor store.  Boy please.  Don't you know betta than to show up with nothing in your hand?   Plan ahead for goodness sake.  Stop and pick up something to set the mood for the situation beforehand and at least fake that you have a little swagger about yourself.  Damn bruh - why you making me stay sober?  I need the buzz so if you're dyck game is whack at least I get to keep the bottle that you brought.  And even if you're not down with bringing the alcohol, go get a bag of chips and some salsa.  Go to Popeye's and bring me a two piece.  Raisinets?  Flowers?  A plant? Something! 

And don't EVEN fix yo' mouth to ask if we could drink something from my stash either.  Hells no!  That stuff is for me, not you.  Ain't no way you're gonna come over and drink up my shyt AND get some coochie too.  You must be out of your damn mind. 

Cardinal Rule #3 on Booty Call Etiquette

Have what you need to get down to business.

So you ran to the gas station to get some condoms on the way here, and they didn't have the ones that you 'need'. 

"Oh these condoms are too tight."

"Oh these condoms are too thick."

"Oh I can't feel anything with these things, but that's all they had."

"I can't stay hard with these.  Damn."

Blah, blah, blah.  I don't want to hear that shyt!!!

Don't come over if you don't have the right tools to get the job done.  You are a grown azz man and you ain't no virgin.  You know what kind of condom works for you, so get the right ones before darkening my doorstep.  Remember this:  If this is your first time here you must bring your A-game!  Treat this like a job interview and talk your best game and be ready give your best performance.  I don't want to hear you blame the condom all night for your lack luster skills because I will immediately think that it's your dyck game that's the problem.  I'm naked and ready to go, so I damn well don't want to see you fighting with the condom trying to put it on your weenie!  That thing needs to be on in ten seconds or less.  That's it.  And please, spare me with your complaining.  I am not the naked customer service rep so I am not in the mood to hear your bitching.  What the f*ck did you think you would find at the gas station on the way here?  You know your dyck better than I do, so get the correct buns for your hot dog!  Soooo lame.  I'd rather you cancel the evening and not come over at all if you gonna whine about the condom all night. 

Cardinal Rule #4 on Booty Call Etiquette

Caressing you?  Not.

Unless we are kinda feeling each other on a mental/emotional level, don't tell me that you need to be stroked and touched tenderly in order to get excited.  I hate that.  You ain't caressing on me, and I can still manage to get moist, so why do you need me to put my arms around you and touch your face and stroke your back?  I mean I have no problem doing that if I am feeling that, but as soon as you indicate that you NEED that in order to stay hard and stay interested, then the first I'm thinking is:

What a big baby.

You'd be amazed how much guys need this caressing in order to stay excited. 

 "You haven't even touched me yet." 

You whining again?  Boo hoo hoo.  Didn't know I had to do all that in order for you to stay in the mood?  Reluctantly I try to oblige and just go ahead and do whatever it is he needs though.  "What do you want me to do?"  But if possible, can you leave this need out of the booty call situation?  I'm not an actress and it really is a bother to me sometimes.

Cardinal Rule #5 on Booty Call Etiquette

Spare me the excuses.

Remember that ghetto chick from Friday with Ice Cube when she said:

You ain't gotta lie Craig...

You ain't gotta lie.

If I like you, sure I would love for you to stick around after.  But if I don't, you can go after a half hour or so.  It's fine.  No explanation needed, and no need to make excuses.  If everything happened like I described above, I am probably ready for you to go anyway. LOL.  Get the fluck out!  Not much more I have to say on that topic.  Just go.  No speech necessary.

Bottom line, booty calls can be cool, and they can be whack.  I'm sure everyone has a whack story to tell about an encounter that they had in their past life.  All I'm saying is that, from a female perspective and being a woman of a certain age, be smooth about WHATEVER YOU DO.  Have some Boris Kodjoe and Usher Raymond swagger about it, because it really goes a looong way.  You want me to be sexy...bring it out of me!  Even if it was just about the sex...YOU STILL HAVE TO PUT IN SOME PREP WORK BRUH.  You can have the biggest and fattest dyck around, but you still gotta get me to want it.   

And that's that.

Sad to say that the above is a TRUE story too.  Bruh was just full of excuses.  I knew something was wrong when he said he dreamt that I took my hand and put it up his...

Ahem.

(clears throat)

I'll just stop there for now. Too funny. 

Lames come in all ages, education levels, and tax brackets.  Please believe that.

Next up...another Match date scorecard to post.  I gotta digress from all of this men talk too.  I have to talk about the biz competition I was in and the drama with this chick I tried to help win $10K down in ATL.  But I was the winner....hee hee.  More later!