Day #180: I Feel So Lost Today

The business plan competition is freaking me out.  I'm doubting myself.  I know I can write this thing.  I got the critiques on the business plan from the judges and I smell a couple of haters in the group.  They doubt me.

I'm losing my confidence fast.  I am envisioning not doing well already. See I'm here on this blog and should be working on the damn thing!!!!  Procrastinating, and the clock is ticking.

Okay.  Okay.  I'm gonna get back to it.  I have my Celie headwrap on and I'm gonna start now.  One thing that's good though is that I think those loud azzholes upstairs went on vacation for Easter.  How do I know?  Because I heard their azzes at 3 o'clock in the morning on Friday bumping around and giving me their last Riverdance performance before they left.

Anyway, lemme get to it.  Lawd please help me organize my thoughts and let the words flow tonight.

Why Can't I Stop Watching His Victory Dance?

Ok mad people have probably already seen this video already, but I'm gonna post it for nostalgia on here.  The cat shyt and threw up on the floor this morning so I needed a laugh so I won't throw his furry azz out of the window.  I feel like friggin' Celie from The Color Purple up in here cleaning up after his azz.  And what kills me is that he just goes and lays back in the damn bed and looks at me like...

"Yeah I crapped on the floor, and what the f*k are you gonna do about it?  Clean it up right?  Yeah thought so.  Next time keep my shyt clean.  Meowwww beotch."

It's my fault anyways.  I needed to change the litter and I guess he got fed up. 

Wait, did I just say that THE CAT got fed up?  Woooowwww.

Question >>>> Do we own our pets or do they own us?

But check this out...

I wish could do this dance if I get my business open again!!!!  I would do it in front of all the haters --- like those chicken head employees I used to have, or that busted, lizard skinned employee who put those peanuts in my gas tank last summer.

That would be some kind of grand opening wouldn't it?  Having a bunch of guys and gals voguing?  Or some African dancers?  Yeah, yeah.  Announcing to the world that THIS SISTA IS BACK!!!!

Not a bad idea.  Hmmmm...

From my phone....someone jumped off the building across the street from where I work today. U know I can understand why too. Why are we here? We have children because of our own desires not knowing the hell they might go thru. I went to look up at the building where he jumped. It was like 30 stories high. He didn't land in the street though. He landed on the roof of a parking garage. Man. This life is crazy. Pointless to me some days. It really is. I guess that's how he felt too. I guess we will find out in the news, and then he will be forgotten like everyone who dies.

Well it didn't even make the news.  See what I mean?

Random Thought

This is just a random thought that I had today...

I work by the Today Show in NYC.  There are always mad tourists around and I try to avoid walking by them in the mornings.  This morning I had to walk by the little crowd though, and Al Roker was out there giving his weather report.  I could barely see the top of his head through the crowd because he is dumpy as hell, but I wasn't trying to stop to hear his azz anyway.  In fact, he was easy to pick out because I don't think another brown skinned soul was standing out there watching that mess.  Then after he finished the report he started singing some corny ass song called Uncle Willie I think?  The crowd was singing along too.  White folks of course. 


OMG.  What a corn fest.  And Al was the emcee.  I wonder did his weather forecast include all of that corn that they were putting into the universe? 

As I walked by and rolled my eyes, I had a thought...

AL ROKER IS THE BLACK HOMER SIMPSON

Sorry brotha, but you really do look like a cartoon character.  I told the security guard in my office building and he cracked up.

Day #169: Finally Some Good Friggin' News!

I entered a business plan competition to compete for about $20K so I can reopen my business (it closed in July 2009) and they called me!! 

I'm a finalist!

Going up against six others on March 31st.  I get to do a three minute pitch to the judges.  Working on it, working on it!  Pretty exciting! 

Don't wanna jinx myself too much so I'll check in about that lata.

Woohoo!

Day #169: Not Being Honest On This Blog

I feel like I'm cheating on the this blog.  There are things that I want to put on here but I dunno.  I don't want to make this a sexcapade blog either so I need to divert from that a lil bit too.

I do a lot more than I write on here and I keep it to myself.  This was supposed to be about getting things off my mind ya know.  I go to the therapist every two weeks and whine and bitch about my life, but I don't tell her everything either - especially my escapades with the fellas.  The therapist is cool, but I don't want her to think I'm out there like that.   But I don't think I am. 

I know my friend reads this sometimes.  I shouldn't have told him about this blog but too late now.  I'm gonna call him Buddha because that's how his belly looks to me - like one of those Buddha statues you see at museums. 

Just add salt and pepper hair and that's him.  Boobies included.

Stop eating them damn chicken pot pies and get that belly down!  Then maybe we can talk bruh.  But I do love you my friend!

So let me start with my first confession (if having this post out here bothers me I will just take it down)>>>

I did it with three guys in the same week last month.  Well let's say two of them (I've known them all for years though. Not strangers.)  The third I just let him do the finger thang because we had sex before years ago and I didn't like it.  All he does is say, "I love you, I love you.  My American girl!  I want to marry you, " and shyt like that.  Those African cats LOVE saying that they wanna marry you and take you to Africa to meet their mommas.  Geezus.  I don't wanna hear that marriage shyt AT ALL anyways.  Talk dirty or STFU.  Plus his moves were BORING.  He talks a lot of nasty talk but couldn't deliver.   He asked me if I had condoms and I lied just so we wouldn't go there.  Although I considered doing it while all the touching was going on (it felt allright), I remembered that short d*ck of his and decided to pass.  LOL.  I would have a better time using my bullet after a couple of drinks.

Anyway, I was bored and I was missing Hot Chocolate I think.  So I had these substitutes fill in for him.  I was going thru something.  But honestly after it was all said it done, I felt nothing.  The temporary pleasure did little to erase that nucca from my damn mind.

I'm in a little mourning right now.  I hate that I was diggin' Hot Chocolate like that.  I totally hate it.  And it wasn't like the sex was the bomb or he was packing or anything like that.   Not at all.  I don't even really know WHY I like him like that?  Maybe it's because I can't have him when I want him.  I think because the others are available when I want I don't value being with them as much.  Hmmm...see typing about it makes ya think. 

Yeah I'm a little bummed, and I'm not gonna lie.  I told my friend Kim that if I see him I will give him a sympathy card.  The card will say the standard message, "Sorry for your loss".  His loss of me.  But then that's bold of me to say right?  In his world Black chicks are at the bottom of the list so how is it his loss?  Yeah quit dreaming gurl. 

Or is it my loss?   Probably not.  This is just like me anyways.  Wishing for some dude that is taken (like my ex who I talk to three times a week), or doesn't want to be had.  Typical shyt and as old as I am I still do it.  Dumb.

I was in the gym yesterday and Keyshia Cole's video came on the screen,

"You need to get if he don't wanna,

Love you the right way, he ain't gonna,

It ain't where he's at, it's where he

Where he wanna be"

I don't like not getting what I want, but it ain't the first time.  I ain't mad.  I'll get over it.  That's what the therapist said from the tidbits that I told her about it.  She dismissed it quite quickly to be honest, so I need to do the same.

UPDATE:  I went to the gym tonight and I saw Hot Chocolate.  Um yeah...I'll get it over it quicker than I thought.  He is a tad bit weird.  He was staring at my teeth.  But get this, his co-worker was straight doggin' him to me.  Men dog each other just as bad as we women do. Poor Hot Chocolate!  The co-worker told me that he literally drools when Asian women come into the club.  Panting and eyes getting big and everything. 


So now I get it! 


He told me about this Filipino chick he was kickin it with last summer.  I think it was his first Lucy Liu.  He told me that this girl was sexing him up like crazy during this little four month fling that they had last year.  They would rent cheap hotel rooms, have sex all day, and eat Papa John's pizza.  They would cut class and have sex in the lab rooms and have sex in her car and what not.  She even had him sexting pics of his thang to her and she was sending naked pics of herself to him too.  Chick turned him out I guess.  Every Friday they had these sexcapades.  I think the gurl was exciting to him, so now he has resolved it in his mind that he likes only Asian women thinking they'll be the same.  I guess that explains his drooling and panting when he sees them in the gym.  He fell out with the Filipino chick when they tried to take things to a boyfriend/girlfriend level, but lately the gurl has been coming back for him trying to get their Freaky Fridays going again.   He has been telling me that he was playing it cool and that he didn't like her anymore, but everytime that bish texts him he makes himself available.  "Sure I'm free!"  But let me ask his azz to hang and he always has some excuse. 


So after I heard tonight how he is panting after Asian booty in the gym like that, the fascination with him  started to seep outta me like air from a busted tire.  Psshhhh.  Yeah the co-worker was hatin' on him real hard and I shouldn't buy into that, but then again Hot Chocolate's actions didn't help his case much either.  So that's it.  The Hot Chocolate name has been officially retired.  His name is now Wesley Snipes.  Do some research and you'll understand why I chose that name. SMH.

So I guess I need to step up my game?  But the real headbanger was something his co-worker told me as we had a candid discussion about relationships and sex.

"Have sex like it's your last time having sex - everytime."

SO KILL IT basically.  Very profound, and definitely food for thought.

Oh I was on mediatakeout damn near all day today. Ppl were coming at me bc I was blogging too much. That was a bad sign and I betta slow up on that for real. That site is addictive as hell and its not cool to be on it while working. I need to go on a fast from that damn site. Tomorrow I aint even going there.


UPDATE:   I lied.  I was on that damn site last night and again this morning.  LOL.  Oh well.

Sitting at the city council meeting in the town where my biz used to be. I spoke here two years ago when the landlord rented to a competitor less than 100 feet away from me. I wrote a three min speech and read it..nervous twitch in my voice and all. Ppl came up to me and told me that they wld help, come to this, come to that...well here I sit two yrs later. My biz is closed and I see the same ppl who said they wld 'look into it'. Boy was I a fool to think city politicians wld assist a small time sista like me.

I wonder do they even recognize my face.  Mad white folks in here. Some of us too. We don't rally around each other or for a cause as a ppl. My customers did support me though, but some were haters! Ugh! Sitting here brings back some of the anger about my bizness.

I'm hungry. Dreaming about a fish sandwich from McDonalds. I'm so hungry that everyone looks like fish sandwiches right now. The restaurant is right across the street too. Hmmmmm. Yeah, eat that and cancel out the workout I had at lunch right? Damn. Ok pls gimme strength so I won't get that fish sandwich tonight. Y am I here this long? Trying to support my coworker who is gonna speak. He is a grade A weirdo but he listens to my crap so I felt I needed to return the favor. I hope its over soon. Long azz meeting!!!

I'm starting to slowly hate this cardboard box aka my apartment.

Day #155: The Power of Pantyhose!

I'm gonna make this one short and sweet because I need to be working! 

Man!! When I wear these stockings or something similar to them, I get ATTENTION okay?  In the subway, on the bus, Spanish, White, Black - it don't matter.  They are like" Heyyyyy, how YOU doin?!"  Cheesin' and everything.  Fellas are truly visual creatures. 

So I took a picture of them while at my desk this morning.

Cute right?  But they seem to have some secret hypnotic powers associated with them too.  Gurl, and the men likey them!  And I'm not gonna lie either, they were gassin' me up this morning in the subway.  I was like dayum these stockings are the bizness!

I know I love quoting songs and I probably get on people's nerves doing it, but so?  I'm the President of my blog and I can type what the hell I wanna dammit.  I didn't like this song too much when it was out back in the 80s, but the lyrics are right on point about the power of a nice pair of hose.

Trapped at first glance

I did a double take
A victim without a chance
Pulled in by the bait


When I caught the
Fishnet black pantyhose
Big legs show through the holes


Fishnet black pantyhose
She's out to catch you
With those fishnet pantyhose

Nuff said.  Morris Day and The Time ain't lyin.

Next winter you best believe that I will be well stocked on 'em too. Fo' sho. 

Cuz I'm lovin' it!

Shameful ain't it?  Giggle.

Day 152: I'm Not Feeling the HoneyComb Hideout

Ok so much for me trying to save money by getting a smaller spot.  I'm ready to go and I have been here exactly 14 days.  For starters, let's just say that I feel like I moved to Columbia or Ecuador or the Dominican Republic.  I'm sure that I'm the only black person in the building and probably only half of the people in here speak English.  Two maintenance guys have come already and neither one of their azzes spoke decent English.  But that's not really the problem...shoot maybe I might be able to brush up on my Spanish now???

Second problem is that it sounds like this above my head.

NO LIE.  REALLY.  NO LIE.  And you see the number of people in this video?  That's how many motherfuccas I think live up there.

Now I'm sure that Riverdance might be really fly to watch live, but when it sounds like this over your head everyday in your own apartment, it ain't fly AT ALL!!!

Apartment Hunting Lesson #1:  Always ask who lives above you and below you. 

I have come to realize that these people have kids, and are using the room above me as a bedroom/park.  I mean a DREAD being home all day sometimes.  They run, jump, bump, drop shyt, drop heavier shyt, move furniture, stomp back and forth ALl DAMN DAY.  And to top it all of they do all of this on a hardwood floor.  Then you hear the adults walking hard, and sometimes with shoes on.  Back and forth.  Back and forth.  I have been there two weeks and it's slowly driving me nuts.  I mean I try to tune it out and sometimes I don't focus on it, but then I will hear some loud crash or thud and the game starts all over again. 

Like Friday, I was able to get the day off because we had a crazy, ridiculous amount of snow here.  But all day those 'chaps' (that's what my Mississipian father used to call brats) just ran and jumped and bumped.  It got so bad that I got dressed and left, and then locked myself out!  Unbelievable.  So I sent some complaint letters today to the landlord. 

Question>>>"Do people get a pass to be noisy because they have children?"

Hey, you know, I'm cool to move.  The place is too damn small for me.  I don't even have a place to put the litter box for the cat really, and he is tracking the little rocks from the gravel all over the place!  Once this cat keels over that's it for a while on the animal thang. 

Apartment Hunting Lesson #2:  Don't try to talk yourself into moving into a place that you know damn well won't fit your shyt.

It is so cramped I can't stand it!  And I knew it might be like that and I went and rented it anyway.  IKEA to the rescue!  When oh Lord will I be able to get a place of my own?  I'm so tired of renting.  And this property management company is ridiculous!  They even wanted me to take a picture of my cat and submit it with my application?  Crazee right?  I just went on Google images and found a cat that looked like mine and sent that in.  LOL.  Problem solved.  I mean really, are they gonna go thru all the trouble and match his markings to the Google photo I gave them?  I don't have pictures of that damn cat anyways.

Apartment Hunting Lesson #3: Don't ever think that you won't eventually see Milk Duds crawling in an apartment building with cheap rents.

Ok I don't think I need to elaborate on that one.  It is self explanatory.  I saw one baby Milk Dud so far.  I smashed him before he got the chance to go back and get his friends though.

I'll see how long I can last up in this spot.  Maybe it will inspire me to strive harder to get a home, or move away from here and back to the Midwest where it is cheaper.  I've been thinking about that a lot.  I mean why stay here and pay all this money and just work a regular ol' job?  I can do that anywhere for a lot less money.

I have this Ziploc bag full of lottery tickets that I bought that I never checked.  I just buy like 8 or 9 of them every week and stick them in a bag.  Why do I do this the lord only knows.  My mother and father would buy them and they would be checked that same night without fail. Then they would win and not tell anybody!  Not even each other!!  Like thousands okay?  You'll notice something was up when my father would stop asking to borrow money (rare), or my mother would come home with some new crazy vacuum cleaner. 

"It does everything!", she would always say. 
Yeah more than the last one you bought right?  LOL. 

When my father would win my mother would get suspicious because he would stop asking for money for more tickets and cigarettes or he would be drunk all the time.  Then she would wait until he fell asleep and dig in his pockets and find the cash and evidence that he won.  Then when he would wake up she would be screaming and fussing...

"Your stankin' ass won the lottery and didn't say shyt?!  You need to give me some of that money so I can pay these damn bills." 

Then he would be like, "I ain't giving you shyt!"  

Word up.  And he wouldn't as far as I knew.  Then she would just wait again until he went to sleep and took the money that she could find anyways.  Yeah, our house was a trip sometimes.  They were ALWAYS arguing about money and bills.

So here it is that I have MONTHS of these tickets from both NY and NJ and never checked them.  I'm gonna try to make a dent in it this week?  Maybe I'll get a couple of bucks out of 'em.  *crossing fingers*

Could it be possible for me one day SOON?  Like before the end of the year?  Daydreaming....

It sho' would be nice.

NOTE:  I know I like to use pics and videos on my posts, but I like to illustrate my thoughts instead it just being words.  I hope it is not overkill.