Thursday, March 18, 2010

Day #169: Not Being Honest On This Blog

I feel like I'm cheating on the this blog.  There are things that I want to put on here but I dunno.  I don't want to make this a sexcapade blog either so I need to divert from that a lil bit too.

I do a lot more than I write on here and I keep it to myself.  This was supposed to be about getting things off my mind ya know.  I go to the therapist every two weeks and whine and bitch about my life, but I don't tell her everything either - especially my escapades with the fellas.  The therapist is cool, but I don't want her to think I'm out there like that.   But I don't think I am. 

I know my friend reads this sometimes.  I shouldn't have told him about this blog but too late now.  I'm gonna call him Buddha because that's how his belly looks to me - like one of those Buddha statues you see at museums. 

Just add salt and pepper hair and that's him.  Boobies included.

Stop eating them damn chicken pot pies and get that belly down!  Then maybe we can talk bruh.  But I do love you my friend!

So let me start with my first confession (if having this post out here bothers me I will just take it down)>>>

I did it with three guys in the same week last month.  Well let's say two of them (I've known them all for years though. Not strangers.)  The third I just let him do the finger thang because we had sex before years ago and I didn't like it.  All he does is say, "I love you, I love you.  My American girl!  I want to marry you, " and shyt like that.  Those African cats LOVE saying that they wanna marry you and take you to Africa to meet their mommas.  Geezus.  I don't wanna hear that marriage shyt AT ALL anyways.  Talk dirty or STFU.  Plus his moves were BORING.  He talks a lot of nasty talk but couldn't deliver.   He asked me if I had condoms and I lied just so we wouldn't go there.  Although I considered doing it while all the touching was going on (it felt allright), I remembered that short d*ck of his and decided to pass.  LOL.  I would have a better time using my bullet after a couple of drinks.
Anyway, I was bored and I was missing Hot Chocolate I think.  So I had these substitutes fill in for him.  I was going thru something.  But honestly after it was all said it done, I felt nothing.  The temporary pleasure did little to erase that nucca from my damn mind.

I'm in a little mourning right now.  I hate that I was diggin' Hot Chocolate like that.  I totally hate it.  And it wasn't like the sex was the bomb or he was packing or anything like that.   Not at all.  I don't even really know WHY I like him like that?  Maybe it's because I can't have him when I want him.  I think because the others are available when I want I don't value being with them as much.  Hmmm...see typing about it makes ya think. 

Yeah I'm a little bummed, and I'm not gonna lie.  I told my friend Kim that if I see him I will give him a sympathy card.  The card will say the standard message, "Sorry for your loss".  His loss of me.  But then that's bold of me to say right?  In his world Black chicks are at the bottom of the list so how is it his loss?  Yeah quit dreaming gurl. 

Or is it my loss?   Probably not.  This is just like me anyways.  Wishing for some dude that is taken (like my ex who I talk to three times a week), or doesn't want to be had.  Typical shyt and as old as I am I still do it.  Dumb.

I was in the gym yesterday and Keyshia Cole's video came on the screen,

"You need to get if he don't wanna,
Love you the right way, he ain't gonna,
It ain't where he's at, it's where he
Where he wanna be"

I don't like not getting what I want, but it ain't the first time.  I ain't mad.  I'll get over it.  That's what the therapist said from the tidbits that I told her about it.  She dismissed it quite quickly to be honest, so I need to do the same.

UPDATE:  I went to the gym tonight and I saw Hot Chocolate.  Um yeah...I'll get it over it quicker than I thought.  He is a tad bit weird.  He was staring at my teeth.  But get this, his co-worker was straight doggin' him to me.  Men dog each other just as bad as we women do. Poor Hot Chocolate!  The co-worker told me that he literally drools when Asian women come into the club.  Panting and eyes getting big and everything. 

So now I get it! 

He told me about this Filipino chick he was kickin it with last summer.  I think it was his first Lucy Liu.  He told me that this girl was sexing him up like crazy during this little four month fling that they had last year.  They would rent cheap hotel rooms, have sex all day, and eat Papa John's pizza.  They would cut class and have sex in the lab rooms and have sex in her car and what not.  She even had him sexting pics of his thang to her and she was sending naked pics of herself to him too.  Chick turned him out I guess.  Every Friday they had these sexcapades.  I think the gurl was exciting to him, so now he has resolved it in his mind that he likes only Asian women thinking they'll be the same.  I guess that explains his drooling and panting when he sees them in the gym.  He fell out with the Filipino chick when they tried to take things to a boyfriend/girlfriend level, but lately the gurl has been coming back for him trying to get their Freaky Fridays going again.   He has been telling me that he was playing it cool and that he didn't like her anymore, but everytime that bish texts him he makes himself available.  "Sure I'm free!"  But let me ask his azz to hang and he always has some excuse. 

So after I heard tonight how he is panting after Asian booty in the gym like that, the fascination with him  started to seep outta me like air from a busted tire.  Psshhhh.  Yeah the co-worker was hatin' on him real hard and I shouldn't buy into that, but then again Hot Chocolate's actions didn't help his case much either.  So that's it.  The Hot Chocolate name has been officially retired.  His name is now Wesley Snipes.  Do some research and you'll understand why I chose that name. SMH.

So I guess I need to step up my game?  But the real headbanger was something his co-worker told me as we had a candid discussion about relationships and sex.

"Have sex like it's your last time having sex - everytime."

SO KILL IT basically.  Very profound, and definitely food for thought.

Anyway...moving on.

Having lunch with the ex next week I hope!  Haven't seen him in awhile.  I'll have to look at him again to see if he is really what I made him up in my head to be.  Ain't nuthin' going on between me and him --- for now.  Ah, he doesn't seem like the cheatin' type anyways.  I'm safe I think.

Having dinner with another ex next week too.  Good friend.  I was his first!  Ain't that something that I still know this dude?  Amazing!

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