Blow Job 101 - Part II: Make It Taste Good...

I know that it's been like a month since I talked about going to that BJ class.  Yeah I am mad late getting to this but I get so damn distracted with all the other shyt that I'm doing.  My head is all over the place and it's not good at all.  When I'm at home I'll start something then go lay on the bed for a few minutes, then jump up, do a little more around the house and then lay on the bed again.  I'll do that like five times at least before finishing up things around the crib.  Just laying there in the bed thinking about the most irrelevant and random things. 

I even laid there once and thought about that episode of The Cosby Show when Denise made Theo that Gordon Gartrell shirt? 

 SMH.  Like really, what the f*ck am I doing? 

But onto to the subject at hand - The Art of Fellatio.  I have decided to break this up in little parts so that it doesn't get too long.

DISCLAIMER:  Even though I write about my escapades in this diary, I don't always think about dudes and their d*cks.  I wonder what's in their pockets too. 

Before I begin, I must introduce Professor D*ck aka 'P-Dicky'.  He teaches the class around the city and has some sort of Masters in Anatomy or Chemistry or something like that.  He looked about 40 something with a bald head.  Bit of a gut but passable.  P-Dicky was a fast talker, but he was pretty funny too.  He wasn't fine or anything like that but surprisingly he had a little flavor.  You could tell he hung out with brothers sometimes too by what he said and the way he acted.  So even though he was a white boy I could appreciate the knowledge he was giving out.  Hell they say white girls give good head so that should mean that white boys should be good teachers.  Fact or fiction?  Well all I can say to that is time will tell. 

*shrug*

P-Dicky talked about a lot of things, and I'll try to cover as much as I can over the next few diary entries. 

CHECKING IN

When I arrived to the spot I was directed to a room that was behind a big velour courtain.  I entered the dimly lit space and was greeted by a woman who asked me to sign my name on a sheet.  Then she looked up, smiled, and promptly gave me a really huge cucumber.  

"Sign your name on the dottled line,

The lights went out,

And Nikki started to grind..."

Well not quite, but that's the song that popped in my head when I took my seat.  P-Dicky talked about himself and then mentioned the cucumber.  He said that he would use it to demonstrate certain things, and if he was gonna put it in his mouth, WE ALL were gonna put it in our mouths.  So immediately, he said "Do It", and we did.  What a hell of an ice breaker!  Honestly cucumbers mess with my head and give me ideas.  They really look intimidating in the grocery store and take my mind to nasty places.  Just think if I took one home with me?  Needless to say my freaky mind is the reason why you won't find a cucumber in my house.  It has to be cut up within the first hour if I am gonna buy one, but honestly I just don't bother.

TASTE LIKE CANDAAYYY.....

Even though P-Dicky didn't talk about this until about the middle of the class, I think this is an important thing to mention first  ---TASTE.   I mean don't we girls try to make sure we are daisy fresh and not smelling like stank coochie before we start to get it in?  Don't we plan ahead by brining little wipes or saying "uh, can I go to the bathroom real quick'' just in case'?  It never even crossed my mind that you can actually try to plan ahead so that his stuff can taste betta if you think you are let him come in your mouth.  Remember this episode from Sex In The City?

I can honestly say that I haven't been through this; or maybe I have and just didn't know any better.  But now I do dammit!  Like they say, you are what you eat.  Professor D*ck said that acidic foods can make his shyt taste a little yucky.  Eating fish can affect taste too.  Basically whatever dude eats within four hours of going down on him might affect how it comes out in his semen.  I didn't know that AT ALL, and I could see that the other women in the room didn't know it either.  If he drinks fruit juice like pineapple juice, or eats fruits like strawberries or kiwi about two to four hours before it should do the trick to make it take sweet.  Wow!  So now if I go out to dinner and he eats a big ol' plate of fish or some asparagus tips, when we get home and do the do, I might be tasting something that resembles fish juice in my mouth?  LOL.  Yuck!  I guess I could use this as bribery for a fella to eat right too though.  "Go ahead and eat that f*cked up cheeseburger with those grilled onions on it and I'll betcha no mouth action will be poppin' off lata homie."

But Professor D*ck (P-Dicky) said that the bitter taste buds are in the back of your mouth anyway so if you can, try to catch the come on the front of your tongue where the sweet taste buds are.  That might help.  He said just keep it in the front of your mouth and swallow in one big gulp instead.  I dunno but that sounds complicated.

He also said you can pop a Tic Tac in your mouth before going down on him too to make it taste better.  An Altoids mint or a Halls cough drop could work too but because of the high levels of menthol in them, if his penis is chaffed he could end up feeling a burning sensation. 

Screech.  Stop the bus.

WTF is a chaffed d*ck?  How does that shyt happen cuz I thought only lips and babies booties got 'chaffed'?  Damn.  I gotta look into that one.  But then on the other hand the menthol could make him tingle a little bit too.  Tingling is good.  So I guess I gotta ask him first as I put a Halls in my mouth, "Baby, are you okay with this or do I need to bust out the Desitin ointment instead?"  Wooooww.  You learn something new everyday.

SWALLOWING - DON'T ACT LIKE A FOOL

P-Diddy said that you really should discuss (make it known) whether or not you are willing to swallow or to have him come in your mouth.  You know a guy will start pushing your head down towards his penis, or start moving his body up toward your head so that you will get the hint that he wants you to take him in your mouth.  I get annoyed when dudes do that sometimes.  How do you even know I wanna do that right now or AT ALL to you?  And then when you do have him in your mouth and he starts to come, he grabs your damn head and holds it there so that you can't move?   Hate that too and it's not cool either.  If the girl is down for swallowing then it won't be necessary to hold her head in the first place.   Duh?   Find out what's up beforehand or tell him what's up beforehand.  There are a lot of women who don't want to swallow, so a man shouldn't force it on her by testing to see if she will start to wiggle out of a head lock or not.  The man should ask if she would be allright with it so his azz won't get bit or thrown out of the bed when he does that head grabbing shyt. 

But as for the female, P-Dicky said not to freak out when he does come in your mouth, and don't be sprinting out of bed to the bathroom gagging and spitting like a damn fool either.   Brothers don't like that shyt either so try to keep it classy.  Keep a bottle or cup by your bed to spit it into and a bottle of water to drink from to wash the taste from your mouth.   Don't go screaming for the hills.




 

But if it is agreed that the female doesn't want the man to come in her mouth, then dude will have to have a designated place to do it right?  That is usually on himself.  P-Dicky said don't get all freaked out over that either by saying things like, "Ewww that's nasty" and all that shyt.  It's natural so just be cool and handle it like you 'understand".  He said that one lady he was with didn't want it in her mouth, but had a bowl with warm water and a towel under her bed so when he was done she wiped him off real nice (not all hard like your momma did when she wiped your face when you were a kid).  Ok, ok, that was a smooth move.  So I guess using the hard, scratchy paper towel ain't sexy huh?  I guess if a fella had to choose between the absorbency of a Bounty paper towel vs. a warm wet cloth the choice would be obvious.

Point taken.

Finally, although most men prefer that women swallow because it makes them feel more accepted and loved, they will settle for the following (according to the P-Dicky):

* Letting him ejaculate on your face.  Porn-star-ish but men love that.  Just watch your eyes though because he said semen can sting.  Ooohhh....can I really do that?  I don't even like saliva or sweat.  Ok what is the fascination with seeing come on someone's face?  I guess that's a question for the Porn Master.  I'll hit him up lata.

* Finish him off with a hand job and tell him that you love watching him reaching his top.  Talk to him all sweetie pie like when he's done.  Yeah the 'stuff' will be on your hand but get some Wet Naps and wipe your hand off.  Simple and again, don't be acting all bougie.

* Let him come on his own stomach, then use that warm towel thang as mentioned above.   P-Dicky says that men don't want to feel that you're disconnected from them by acting weirded out.  They also don't want you to think that you're disgusted by their 'stuff' either (like when you're running to the bathroom to spit it out). Even if you are a bit disgusted, just play the shyt off.

Aiight?  So that's two posts down - drooling was the first (last post); swallowing was the second.  Hope to get the third post this week.

Side notes:

• 
  
  Finally reached a solution that I can live with the attorney.  I got 60% of the settlement back on my side of the fence because the devil was trying to take 50/50.  Good cuz I was lining my shyt up to fry that mothafucca.  I'm cool with that and moving on.  I like money.
• 
  
  Someone gave me a chance and I started bartending at a neighborhood bar.  I don't see many Black people bartending in NYC and that dawned on me when I started looking.  White girls and Asian chicks got that on lock.  So now I can try to make the money back that I spent on the class. I get to be a sexy bartender too.  I think I'll just be there like two days a week.  That's cool.  Again, I like money.
• 
  
  I confess.  I tasted some Hennessey (or rather I let him taste me - giggle) a few weeks ago.  Although it was pretty good I told him last night that nothing more than sex will probably happen between us.  He's a 'good time guy' and if I wanna have a good time I'll call him.  That's about it.  I don't like his ways but I do like his d*ck - and his mouth too.  LOL.  (I'm so baaaadd).
• 
  
  Signed up for another Cougars and Cubs club.  First event coming up soon.  I'm f*cking up with that Match.com stuff.  I don't keep up with it. 
• 
  
  Lastly, I saw two big azz Milk Duds in my apartment this weekend.  Damn.  Seven months left on the lease.  I'll be in a rubber room by then I think.