Day 82: Continued

Why is my mother's newest thing is telling me that I'm bipolar?


*rolls eyes*

Day 82: Match.com and My Pot Belly Discussion...

So I had my first Match.com date the other day.  It was like a spur of the moment thing; he sent me an email and asked if I wanted some drinks.  Of course I do!

But ok why didn't I even know his name?  I had to run home to check my computer to get it again.  I know, that's trife right?   We met at a bar.  The convo was cool; he kinda had signs of being a know-it-all though.  We laughed and talked about a lot of things.  It wasn't a bad evening at all to be honest.  But on a kickin' it level, it doesn't look promising. 

"Your silky words are sweet,
But your pockets sho' look empty."

I think I am gonna start giving these guys names like Flav did on Flava of Love.  We will call this one Shorty-Mac because he was about 5' 6" tall (or less) I think.  I noticed something in common with these shorty men who try to push up though - bellies.  I don't know, maybe I am hard on these fellas with bellies.  What I am supposed to do with that in the bedroom, rub on it like I do my cat's belly?  Beat it like a drum?  Nuh uh.  Now is that shallow?  Is it superficial?  I mean do we females get a pass for having a big ol' beach ball in front of us unless we are pregnant?  I think not.  It's all about what our preferences are at the end of the day and I don't think I can get it in with all that misplaced body meat.  I could get nasty with what I'm thinking but I'm not.  All I'm gonna say is I think it would be in the way.  Of course the ones with the pot bellies will say otherwise, but I ain't even trying to find out what they do on the real.  I saw pictures in a book at a sex toy party of how men with bellies get it in, and the options for different positions look limited. 

"The drooping potbelly "buries" the male organ inside the folds of fat and makes it look smaller."

A old 'friend' sent me a text of his 'thang' about a month back.  It was just beautiful and it looked quite delicious.  It made me wanna just get...(fanning my face).  Time out.  LOL. Stop that girl.  So if a pot belly man sent me a text of his 'thang' would I say the same?

Let me stop because this post is getting dirtier the more and more I type...


Last night I did something I haven't done in years.  I went to a club/party by myself.  It was an old school dance party in NYC sponsored by the radio station.  It was a friggin blizzard but I put some pants on under my dress and put my shoes in my bag and hopped on the bus to the city.  And I'm not gonna lie, the brothers had me feeling kinda good about myself.  I was gassed up.  One man gave me his number and said that if I called him he would probably piss on himself?  It may not have been the smoothest line but it was funny as hell when he said it. 

So if I go to this party again, I think I will do the solo thing.  It was a lot more fun I'm telling you!  I had a nice time and was able to shake off a little rust off this body before the year ends.  In fact everyone there was probably doing the same as this party was definitely for a 'mature' crowd - mostly 40s and up I think.  I loved seeing the older people dance into the wee hours of the morning!  It was very cool to see.  And man you could tell those who were party people in their hey day.  I guess I was so amazed because I hardly ever saw the older folks in my family dance.  While I watched the dancers I said to myself that I hope that will be me one day; dancing at 50 plus and not caring how late it is or who is looking at me. 

So after I left I'm walking to the subway at like 4:15am and it was like 10 inches of snow on the ground and still coming down fast.  Then the next thing you know this skinny white guy passes me on Broadway near Times Square with just boxers, a Santa Claus hat, and dress shoes on?  For real!  No lie!  He was just running in all that snow and slush like it was no problem.  I told my friend about it and he said he probably was on meth or something.  I don't know what it was, but only in NYC would you see that shyt in a blizzard on a Saturday night.

Only two weeks left in the year.  Am I hanging out on New Year's Eve or what?

I'm getting a lot of winks and messages from the Caucasian men on Match.com . Hmmm....

A friend is trying to get close to me (but his belly is in the way)...hmmmm.

"Your silky words are sweet,

But your pockets sho' look empty."

Day 72: I'd Like To Fly Far Away....

That's a line from the Commodores classic "Zoom".  I am feeling overwhelmed today.

My pre-trial hearing got postponed because THE OTHER side claims the were going to be tied up.  So now I have to wait for another date.  Hopefully justice will come in 2010 about these people taking my rent money on the new space I had picked to move my business.  It was a big mess and my business closed because of the whole damn thing. 

Ok I posted that my landlord said he wanted to talk to me right before Thanksgiving.   Didn't hear from him.  A week later he finally calls me and tells me that he is selling the house.  But guess who he is selling it to?  The beotch relative that lives downstairs!  Yeah the one who told the landlord I was using the free washing machine too much ( damn lie).  So instead of asking me about it, don't you know that this dumb ass landlord believed her and told her that he was putting coin machines in.  So the heifer got happy and then proceeded to take my wet clothes out of the machine, put the washer in her apartment, and unhooked the dryer and left my stuff in a wet pile on a table!  My mouth dropped when I came home from work that day and found them like that.  Then when I asked him about it he says, "Oh we were planning to change out the machines but we didn't know it would happen that fast."  Ok if you were planning on doing this then why didn't you say something to me so that I wouldn't wash anymore?  He had nothing to say to that and didn't even apologize either.  They were just trying to be slick that's all.  Needless to say I refused to give them another dime for their machines, and I started taking my stuff to the Latino laundromat.  Hell I'll just wash with Juan and Maria and them and fold my clothes in peace.

Now here we go again with this woman affecting my living situation.  He tells me that the house is too much for him to take care of, and that she is gonna buy it from him and wants my apartment because her son might want to move there.  (Quite convenient sale isn't?  Don't believe it)  I mean she wants to be the queen of this broke ass house sooo bad.  For six years I have paid rent on in this place.  She has only lived there for three.  But ever since she moved in she has been a damn tattletale ever since.  I am barely there and probably make minimal noise anyway.  In fact, SHE is the one making the noise with this squawking, loud ass bird she got this past summer.  It is unbelievably annoying.  I guess she is missing Costa Rica or Colombia or wherever that heifer is from.  She lives with her little man friend, and neither one of their Lucy and Ricky Ricardo asses even speak English.  Neva saw two more country ass Latinos in all my life.


So he is giving me until the end of February to move.  So guess what?

I put a stop payment on my rent check. 

You ain't giving me nothing, and I ain't giving you the rent.  Hell I need that money to move so use the security deposit.  It is winter and in February it will still be winter so moving will still be a bitch  too.  Then it's the holiday and I have to stress over gathering up security deposit funds, worrying about my credit checking out (it is in the tank OMG), moving costs, packing, utility hook ups, etc.  I mean I battled it in my mind about doing the stop payment on my rent check, but I gotta handle my business.  I mean I could sit there and not pay any rent for months and they will just have to kick me out? I thought about doing that too, but the situation might be too stressing for me because I worry too much as it is.

So I told the therapist about it the other day and she asked me how I felt.  I struggled to find the words at first.  Speechless.  I told her that I feel like I'm being thrown away like garbage.  "We don't want you here."  "My aunt doesn't want you here."  I always paid my rent.  I lived with strangers, both men and women, to try to cover that rent because I knew that I didn't have the funds to pick up and move.  Then to ask me to go in winter is f'd up.  My therapist said that when you live in private houses the mentality of owners and especially relatives that live in the house is that they are higher than you.  There is some truth to that, but the tenant is not regarded fairly or treated fairly.  There are rules like the tenant can't go in the basement; the tenant can't go in the backyard; all you hear is about what you can't do and what they won't do.  I mean the wet clothes thing was just one of a few incidents that occurred in the house anyway.  I have wanted to leave for a long time, but on my terms you know?

So like MJ sings, "This is it."

They had a tenant who paid the rent for years, but I'll give them a lil' taste of what's its like when  a tenant doesn't pay.  If it wasn't for the bankruptcy thing I wouldn't have done this though.  But since I am filing, so what?  And although I'm looking and may sign a lease on a place soon, I'm gonna take my molasses ass time moving out.  Yep.  But you know what is a trip?  The dumb landlord doesn't even have a copy of the keys!!!!  Why?  Because when someone picked the lock and tried to break into my apartment in 2008 he wouldn't come to change the lock.  I begged and begged but he wouldn't do it.  So I had to get a friend to do it like a week later.  See what I mean?  They treated me like a dog.

So I'm like this, take ya ass to the eviction court and get the state to kick me out, and the heifer's son can just sit and wait on me dammit.  Hell by the time that process will  be done it will be spring anyway and I will be long gone with all my rent in my pockets.  I'm sounding bitter as hell, but that's just how I feel right now.

But I'll be cool.  It was time to go.  Can't wait until I find my new spot.  I'm working on it - hard.

Broke Antidote #4: Meet Me a Man With Money in His Hand REVISITED

NEWSFLASH!  NEWSFLASH!

Got my first call from Match.com tonight!  Oooh weeee!

He sounded aiight.  Maybe I'll let him buy me a dinner.  I like free dinners/drinks/movies and things like that.

All I know is that if we do kick it he betta not act up, or I WILL be talking about his azz on this blog. 

Stay tuned.

Although this has nothing to do with finances I just gotta get this off my chest.  Shhh...I'm secretly bugging about an old boyfriend since he told me he had his first child - well more like chilluns because he had twins.  He's married, but I kinda wish...you know that...it were...different.  That's all I'm gonna say on that subject for today.  I typed this small so maybe no one will squint down and read it and start preaching to me about him being married and all. 

Day 63: Mind Tripping

It's the worst thing in the world to get played by someone and you realize that you could have nipped that shyt in the bud yourself.   Stayed up all night and my mind was just racing with thoughts.  I don't even wanna get into it yet what hapenned yet but it is getting on my head that I thought writing might help a little. 

But The Broke Bandit struck again this Saturday.  I took some clothes to the cleaners and the beotch tells me $84 for like 10 items when it was time to pick them up.  Lying ass charged me $13.50 per dress and I had four dresses - total $54 just for the dresses.  She claims she had to hand iron the dresses...but two of them were sweater dresses and one could not be ironed at all!  Argghhhh!  I know, I know.  I should have made a bigger stink, but that is not really my nature.  I said a few things and obviously looked pissed, but that beotch didn't care.  She got her money.  I bet she won't see my ass no mo.  I hate her!!!

Not sleeping good.  I think these new style fancy pillows are just f'ing my neck up.  I'm a bobble head in the morning literally.  Just pain, pain.  I think I need to go buy some regular ass $9.99 Walmart style pillows and call it a day.

Things on my mind and my head is about to bust.

I wanna move to a cheaper place...but I can't yet because of the bankruptcy mess.  I wanna earn extra money...but I can't because if I do that right now then the bankruptcy thing could get messed up.  No one was hiring me anyway so no worries there.  At least the creditors have stopped calling me though. :-)  I sent letters to everybody last week.

Well today is Ticket Tuesday!!  I buy my lottery tickets every Tuesday and Friday.  I think I will start calling that day Black Friday cuz I'm trying to move from the red to the black.  I even entered for the Publisher's Clearing House like old folks do.  Annoying emails but I try to keep up with it.  Maybe I can win a little something one day.

I think I will look into freezing my eggs.  I wish someone would have told me this years ago before I turned 40 and what not.  I wonder how much it costs?  Do Black people freeze their eggs much?  Mmmm...

I should open a funeral home.

Day 58: It's Always Something Isn't It?

Ok so the landlord sent me a text tonight saying he wants to talk to me. 

He sent me the same text about a month and a half ago and didn't do it, so now here he is two days before Thanksgiving and he is sending it again. 

Have you no heart?

It must be about kicking me out or the stuff I have on the porch that he has been bitching for YEARS about.  It's dumb because its stuff that ain't bothering nobody.  It's cat litter bags and old magazines - shyt like that.  Hell, I pay my rent every month and I am not behind, but ever since this damn landlord's relative moved in downstairs she complains to the landlord about dumb shyt.  I will never live in a privately owned home again if I can help it.  I seem to have turned into a dumb ass since these landlord's relatives have moved in.  It has come to where I don't even say much anymore about problems in the apartment, including the fact that the heat is not on almost everyday.  Like right now.  Cold as hell in here.  I just write the dates the heat was off down on my little pad to use as a bargaining chip in case I need it.  Credit report is getting all f'd up because of them fuccas at Advanta so if someone wants to pull my credit report for a new apartment I may not get it.  I'm telling you, this bankruptcy thing is a beoch!

See I worry too much.  It's consuming my thoughts and I don't even know what the landlord wants yet.  Sheesh.

On a happier note, check this out!

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME DAMMIT!!

Now some might say, how in the hell did she afford this and she is claiming to be broke?  Credit can get you ANYTHING?  How you think I racked up $90K in debt?  My credit is not real messed up yet and I figured let me get this ride before I won't be able to get shyt.  Feel me?


So yeah.... I'm the brokest 40 year old with the baddest new ride!! 

HOLLA!!!!!!

(That's Frankie, Keyshia Cole's mom.)

It was a 'man down situation'
and I just HAD to get this car!

*And yes, I'm gonna pay for it and no they won't take it in the bankruptcy.  And no, my credit is not blown up over cars and clothes.  I had a business and that's where it all came from.  I've been driving the same hoopty for 7 years now. 

Ooh, I need to peanut proof this bad boy before Peanut Polly finds out I have a new car and puts peanuts in the gas tank again. 


Like I said in the title of this post, it's always something isn't it?

Countdown to the BIG 40

Ok I have 18 minutes left as a 30 something woman.  I'm feeling rushed right now to do something meaningful before I am crowned as an official 40 year old.

What should I do?  What should I do?

16 minutes left.  Sanford and Son on the TV in background.  Gotta turn it off to concentrate.

11 minutes left.  Ok I went thru each year of my 30s in my mind really quick.  Damn what a decade it has been.  For real.  I'll put that detail on another post because there's no time to get into that right now.

Nine minutes left.  My manager gave me a $100 Visa card for my birthday today!!!  That was nice to get that money in the last few hours of being in my 30s.

8 minutes left.  About to take a sip of some mango flavored vodka.  WTF happened with bartending anyways....

7 minutes...I toasted to my 30s which will soon be only seen in the rear view mirror of my mind.  Did I become more of a beoch this past decade?  It seems that I am always at odds with someone.   I gotta check into that.

The vodka kinda burned my throat a little.  I'm such a wuss sometimes.  LOL.

Five minutes... Petted my cat's head and he put his paw lovingly on my arm.  My suga bear.  I'm telling you this cat has been my ride or die homie for all of this time.  Animals give unconditional love. 

One minute...hell I just thought...I did a lot in my 30s.  A helluva lot.  I took my lumps and hopefully became a better woman because of it.  Including going bankrupt.

Midnight...it's here.

OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. OMG. Shaking my head. 

40 years old.  I didn't want a regular life, but it looks like that's what I have.  I was supposed to be in a better place at this age, but it seems as if I will be starting over instead.  Maybe that is something to look forward to?  Starting over?  I was supposed to be a lot farther ahead in the life game right now. 

I just looked at my face, skin, arm, gut, butt.  Hints of smile lines, and there goes that gray hair in my eyebrow again.  My booty is kinda flat too.  So is this how 40 is supposed to look?  I mean how is it supposed to feel?  Has the time passed where I can make long term goals now?  Will I ever have a child?  Will I ever get my business open again?  Will I ever find out who robbed me?  Will I ever get to punch Peanut Polly in her f'n face for putting those peanuts in my gas tank?  Will I win my court case against the people who helped contribute to the closure of my business?

Sounds like my 40s will be pretty much about cleaning up the mess made during my 30s.  Not something to look forward to but then again...it may not be so bad.  Hell it could be worse.

Day 37: One Less Man To Pick Up After...

Got home tonight and the roomie bounced!

No note. No email. Just left the keys on the counter.

It was coming to a head, and I knew that he would leave, but dayum! But he paid me my rent in cash and I'm keeping his security deposit.

It's for the best. I was cleaning up after him just this morning. Hair, hair everywhere. He was the oldest roomie that I had and the nastiest. I told my therapist that people say, "Aw he's a guy. They are just like that." She was like, "That's not an excuse! So do I get to be a bitch every month because I get a period.  Do I get a pass for that?  Cleanliness has nothing to do with gender." 

Whomp! There it is!

So I think that's it for the roomie thing for me. After this bankruptcy thing I am gonna try to move. Tired of this lame ass house too and this fake ass, wanna be landlord neighbor living downstairs. Milk Duds are lurking behind the walls and paint chipping because the landlord won't paint. I need the help with the rent, but I can't do it anymore! I will now have to cover the entire $1350 for rent and pay all the bills. And watch, my light bill is gonna be sky high now that I have no one to split it with.  The rent is almost an entire paycheck for me right now. Damn.

But I am celebrating a little bit, and singing that old 70s tune from the Fifth Dimension. My fave part..."one less man, to pick up after! I should be happy, but all I do is cry, cry, no more laughter..."

Not me though. I'm laughing all the way to the bank on this one.

Day 35: How Trying To Get a One Dollar Meal Cost Me $80!! Damn!!

Ok so a buddy of mine in Dallas sends me this coupon for a 1/4 quarter Chicken Meal at Boston Market for one dollar.   It was kinda like the coupon that KFC and Oprah did when KFC came out with their grilled chicken a few months ago.  Back then I heard that it was a disaster trying to redeem those coupons,  and I didn't go anywhere near KFC.  So why oh why didn't I do that with this Boston Market thing too?

My plan was to redeem the coupon this weekend, and I'll admit that I was kinda looking forward to it because I think their cornbread is the bomb.

So Friday night after work I decided to slide on over to the NYC Boston Market after coming from getting my eyebrows done and having a beard and goatee removed.  Yes, yes, I confess to that, but I am certainly not alone.  Hair removal is big business!  That salon was packed and I even had to take a number.  Halloween was the next night and I guess all of us gals didn't want to be mistaken for spiders or gorillas.  LOL.  So we all sat and waited patiently for the nice Indian ladies to transform us back into humans again.  For the bargain price of $6, it was well worth the wait. 

So I leave the salon and I walk down to Boston Market.  The line was out the door.  Not surpised but it was really not that serious for me to wait either.  I told myself that I'll just go to the one near my house the next day which is...

Today.

Now I'm driving and looking for the restaurant.  I see tons of little kids with Halloween costumes on, but no Boston Market.  Hmmm...????  I drive around a little more and but I still can't find it.  Kids all over and the traffic is getting thick, so just as I am deciding to hang it up -- I see a spot and jump in it.  What luck!  I get out, and I am so damn focused on getting to this restaurant that I didn't read all of the signs.  I just hopped my happy ass out of the car and walked down the street like a big ass donkey.

Ok, so Boston Market is out of business!  Oh well.  So I bought a burger and fries at Michelle Obama's fave burger spot instead.  Ten bucks.  WTF??  First lady prices I see.  But I went ahead and got it while I tried to justify the purchase in my head.

Then all of the sudden, the kids are everywhere in the restaurant...fairies, devils, Transformers, clowns.  Even the adults were dressed up at 12 in the afternoon.  Hell I even saw a Black guy dressed up as a breast, and I don't mean chicken breast.  Nipple and all.

I decide to leave because it was just too much activity going on, and I get back to the car and there is a friggin' parking ticket on it!!!  Resident parking.  Sign was right there in my face.  The broke bandit strikes again. 68 friggin' bucks and the time on the ticket was not to two minutes after I walked away from the damn car.  Bastards must have been watching me.  And I saw this guy standing on his porch who kept staring at me.  He must have saw the ticket person coming my way and didn't say shyt.

What a dumb ass.  I'm so pissed at myself right now.  That was plain dumb to get a ticket for $68 all for trying to get a dollar chicken meal.  I learned a valuable lesson today....nothing is free or near free.  Even though the one dollar thing was damn near free, I f'd up trying to take advantage of it.  Went out to spend $1 and end up spending $10 and getting a $68 ticket too.   Like I really have this money to give away right now?

But you know me, I can't just take that lying down.  I'll go to court anyway and tell them that I am filing bankruptcy and ask them for a hardship reduction.  Hell what do I have to lose?  The worst thing that could happen is just that I'll just have to get in front of the courtroom and tell a bunch of strangers that I'm broke.  Or be told to pay the ticket and go whine to someone else.  Either way, I'll take my chances.

I know one thing though, I won't sweat redeeming another free food meal coupon that hard again.  No piece of cornbread is worth $68.

Broke Antidote #2 Revisited: I's Gettin' Real Tyred of My Roommate's Hair

I finally left a note for my roomie that I was gonna raise his rent because I'm cleaning up after his half cleaning up azz!  Now there's some extra money for me right there.

So here we go again.  Woke up and went in bathroom to take shower, and there were at least 10,000 hairs from the roomie's head in the soap dish, on the toilet, in the toilet, and on the wall (Ok maybe not  quite 10,000, more like 100,000!).  I mean I go in there all groggy and sleepy, and as soon as I see these hairs all over its like red lights start flashing and alarms start ringing.  And top to it off it seems like the hairs all wave at me and say, "GOOD MORNING, GOOD MORNING!!!"  Just a totally nasty scene, and I'm not exaggerating either.  Here's my photo evidence (the date stamp is wrong on the pics):

I mean the hairs might as well be little snakes because I scream and curse, and I don't want to touch or step on anything.  In my own bathroom!  My roomie is 50 something and he seems to be one of those types that does the absolute minimum when it comes to picking up after himself.  I mean he gets in the shower everyday and doesn't wash it out.  So along with the hair I have the little dirt ring too to greet me in the mornings too.  Now does that make any sense?  Even if he washed it out once a week I would even take that.  I have shower spray, Comet, Mold and Mildew remover in the bathroom but he won't use any of it.  I'm like whaasup?  Like do you have arthritis from all that hand action on lonely nights?  Is that why you can't squeeze the trigger on the shower spray in the morning? 

So even though I need his rent money, I have had it.  I swept up the hair on the floor, then I lifted the toilet seat to dump the dustpan and hair was stuck all under the seat.  ARGHHHH!  I was furious.  So I left the hair in the dustpan and put a note on it so he would see it when he got home.  I then put post-it notes in every spot where the hair was on the walls (see in the picture above) and on the toilet seat.  In the note I wrote that I would clean up for the both of us for an increase in rent.  Shyt I'm doing it any friggin' way so why not get paid?  As broke as I am I certainly am not going to clean up after a grown ass man for free.  My roomie's name is not Mister and I ain't no damn Celie.

Hmmm.  A thought just popped in my head...

You know I do wear a little headwrap when I get home at night and he sees me in it a lot.  Maybe since I look the part of Celie he might have it a little twisted?  Maybe he is confused or something?  Is the headwrap throwing him off?  Shoot, I bet he has never even seen The Color Purple anyway.  He's so boring and just a big ass corn muffin.  Well the hell if I know.  All I know is (in my Shug Avery voice), "I's gettin' real tyred of 'dis man's hair." 

So the 30 day notice for him to vacate is hot in my hands and ready to go.  My ad for a roomie was put up on Craigslist.  Gonna be more broke without his rent share but I'll just have to find someone else.  We did chat and he agrees that he is dropping the ball on the cleaning, but to me it's just words.  He's not gonna pick up after himself.  I mean he even left his shoes (some little Leprechaun sized shoes I might add) on the kitchen counter next to the dish drainer one day.   Hopeless.

I get paid this week and the rent is due, but I'm going on strike.  Headwrap or not, my palms gotta get greased with some green or the roomie and his hair follicles need to hit the damn pavement.  I already have enough problems. 

I think I wanna see MJ's flick.

Bought my lottery tickets yesterday.  Scratch off ticket was a loser.  Put some boots on layaway to get out for my birthday.  Yep, layaway.  It is what it is.  The days of instant gratification are over.

Day 21: The "B" Word Is Looking Better Everyday

Ok since August I have been looking for something part time.  I had an interview last week at Victoria's Secret and I went to a cattle call at a bar in Newark.   I thought the Newark thing went okay, but the guy said that they would call me Monday and today is Wednesday.  So I will still keep my fingers crossed anyway.   I'll keep applying to stuff.  In the next week I will hit TGIF and Daffy's and Arden B.   I applied to The Container Store but that was about it.  Not good at all.  I mean I get here at night and say I'm gonna work on the resume and apply to jobs and I just sit here in a daze.  TV off.  No sound.  Just sitting here in a daze looking at the computer screen.  Mind all over the place.  I did that for two days straight.

So AGAIN tonight I was supposed to be updating my resume.  But I turned on the TV and I am sitting watching "I Love Lucy" and typing on this blog.  What is wrong with me?  I guess what it is is that I am tired of updating that friggin' resume.  I have been messing with it since Labor Day and working on it is an energy zapper.  But I'm gonna do it.  Tonight.  In 30 minutes. (UPDATE:  I took my procrastinating ass to bed and didn't even work on it of course.  Sat here and dozed off after eating all that junk tonight.  See next paragraph.)

Before I continue, I must say that I ate too much tonight.  I had tortilla chips and salsa, then two big crab cakes and rice, then two blueberry muffins with butter on them.  That makes no sense at all and I am pissed at myself.  And I have the nerve to wonder why people keep asking me am I pregnant? 

Did I just see a baby Milk Dud walking on my desk just now?  Please God no.  I don't need that right now.  I don't see it so I'm hoping that my eyes were just buggin.  A Milk Dud has appeared here or there over the years unfortunately so it is quite possible.

I'll make it quick about the "B" word in the blog title.  BANKRUPTCY.  I guess bankruptcy is looking better and better as each day passes.  I can't stand this as a course of action but man!  I recalculated my debt and instead of $78K it is closer to $90K.  How long would it take me to pay all that back with interest with the money that I make?  For the past 18 years I have tried and tried to keep my credit in a good place, as that is how I was able to open the business and get the credit for things that I needed.  Now I won't be able to get anything for a long time.  Even some jobs won't take me over that.  It's gonna be real f'd up to be in that spot at this point in my life.  I have seen two attorneys already and they both are saying different shyt which makes it worse and makes me more confused.

The lottery is 200M.  Ain't that crazy?  And one person won it last night.  Sometimes I walk down the street and spazz out and think about what I would do when (notice I say when) I win the big lottery.  I think about where I would live and the people who I would help.  I know people probably walk by and are like, "WTF is she smiling about?"  I took an article of a lottery winner and took a cut out of my face and pasted it on his body.  Why a man?  I couldn't find a Black woman's photo who had won the lotterry but there was this pic of a Black man.  So I couldn't have a Black head and white arms now could I?  But the guy had on a nice shirt so at least I'm looking stylish holding that big, fat lottery check!  I pasted it on my wall for inspiration.  Maybe I'll be the Black woman lottery winner who takes a picture that other brown girls can paste their faces on? 

I was having a convo with my half cleaning up ass roommate (that story in another post, and I have photo evidence this time okay!), and he was saying he would be bored if he didn't have a job to go to.  I had already noticed that he ALWAYS talks about work and how many hours he is working and how important he is.  I bet he does that shyt on dates too.  Yawn.  Along with, "I've been to Spain, and Italy, and the moon and yadda yadda."  Look I lived in Salt Lake City okay.  And I was Black (well I still am - hee hee).  That's some major shyt in my book.  The state is less the one percent Black and it was very overwhelming being a girl from a all Black community.  You think you know but you have no idea how bad I went through it out there.  Sometimes I used to say that I wanted to die because I was so sad.  But I came to appreciate Salt Lake City and played with the cards I was dealt at the time.

Back to the convo with the roomie.  He said that he retired twice and went back to work each time.  He said he was bored?  I was like puhleeze.  I could name five things I could do besides work for someone else.  Then he tried to bring up a friend of his who did the same thing as he did as if to say that that was a pretty common thing or something.  Again, puhleeze. You weren't bored.  You are just a bore.  At least that's what I surmised from his admission.   If you have never done much outside of work in your life, then that's what you will probably die doing.  That's what I told him and he was quiet.  He probably never did much and the traveling he did was always associated with working anyways.  Work until you are so old or so sick that you have nothing left because you gave it all to some job.   Hell I told him he could have taught at a college, or volunteered for Habitat for Humanity or Americorps.  Man, don't ever get around me and talk about that working for someone else is all there is.  I will start preaching and probably won't shut up for a minute.  Getting on slave ships everyday going to the city; getting in you car and getting on the road with the other robots running to their jobs every morning.  I've always hated that morning and evening scene - and yet I'm still doing it.

Call me crazy, but if I had the choice I would walk right up to my mother and say, "What were you thinking woman?  Send me back.  This life shyt is for f'n the birds."

Broke Antidote #4: Meet Me a Man With Money in His Hand (cont.)

Ok I paid for the site and I put my profile up.  I got a few 'winks' from guys in the first couple of days.  I winked back at a few.  Some of the them wrote some great stuff.  But some seemed a little suspect.  Say for example the blond Native American (?) who winked at me but his profile pic showed a bald Latino guy?  Uh, I paid $120 for that?

But I guess I gotta grow into this internet dating thing.  My roomie uses it like one of my friends.  It takes some work it seems.  Winking at people and sending messages and stuff.  It's like Facebook.  I had to grow into that but you can get caught up on that for hours too.  Kim sends me shoes and others send me hugs and cause requests and yadda, yadda, yadda.  It's too much sometimes. 

So even though this Match.com is one of my strategies, I'm not working the plan that great.  One brother did walk up to me at the bus stop and chatted.  I gave him my business card and he called.  Like usual, I didn't call back.  Then one day I was walking home and there he was again.  We stopped and talked and he started to tell me he was in the music business and has a studio over here in Jersey and what not.  Then he kept talking about himself....okay?  He asked me did I know the hip hop group K9.  I was like not really, but it sounded familiar?  Then he said, "Well, I'm Sharif."  Um, okay? So what does that mean?  Again he says, "I'm Sharif."  Still nothing from me.  Then he says that he was part of that group that was around in the 80s!  I asked him how many songs did they have and he was like three.  Well I went online and it was more like one.  But anyway, he goes on to say that they have a big party at MTV for all the old groups and people come up to him and recognize him from K9 and what not.  All the while he is telling me this, a FINE, TALL brother comes jogging by.  He looked but Sharif was so busy talking that I couldn't take in all of the fineness. It looked like a hundred dollar bill running by me.  I felt robbed!!  I have lived here six years and I HAVE NEVER SEEN A GUY THAT FINE RUNNING, DRIVING, OR WALKING BY - EVER!!!!  I think it was a sign from God saying, "Girl, you see this man running by?  Stay focused and keep your eyes on the prize.  Sharif ain't it." 

So now Sharif is in his third story and I had been telling this man since he first stopped me that I was hungry and trying to go home.  "Well I'll walk you home."  Damn.  Can't shake him.  So we walk the two blocks and here we go again...that damn skunk is next to a fence that we were walking by.  I screamed and scared two other people standing by their car.  It was a guy and a girl and the guy nearly dove across his car hood when I yelled.  Ooops. 

Anyhow, Sharif walks me home and still wants to talk!! Damn, didn't I tell yo ass that I was hungry?  So I finally cut the convo off and he asks, "Are you gonna call me?"  My goodness.  What for?  I just met you, I'm hungry, and I just got punked by a skunk.  And you talk too much.  Nope.  So I sent him a text and send good night, and he should be glad I did that much.

UPDATE:  Sent me a text saying two days later, "I wanna see you".  Shudders.  I hate when guys say that and I am not feeling them like that.  But I was hungry.  So I thought that maybe I could get a free dinner out of him.  So we go back and forth and decide to meet at this cheap ass Chinese spot,  but I like their food so I wasn't too upset.  So we sit there in the light and now I can see 'Sharif".  Teeth jacked up and chapped lips. Point deduction for each.  Now he is telling me that his group is going on tour with R.Kelly.  Ok great man.  Then he was talking on the phone while we were there too.  Another point deduction.  Then after we leave he says, "Don't say I never fed you."  Huh?  That dish cost about $9.00 pardner and you ain't gettin' that many kudos for that.  Whatever points he might have had left are now in the negative numbers after saying that.  He walks me home again (can't shake him), and he kisses my cheek with those chapped, scratchy lips!  OMG.  Yuck.  More deductions.

Finally I'm home.

"Are you gonna call me?"

"Yeah, I'll call you." 

And did I?  What the heck do you think?

Day 17: The Power of "The File" and 65 Cents Raises

65 CENTS RAISE

I have been waiting almost two years to get a raise.  And I open the letter, and I get 65 cents?  That's equivalent to about $26 per week.  I know people might say I should be happy for that in these times, but uh I'm not feeling that way one bit!  So over three years I have gotten a total of $1.37?  That averages to about 46 cents per year.  I waited almost a year and half to get an increase and that's what I got.  I'm sick.

I mean what am I supposed to do?  I went to the NFCC which is a not for profit credit counseling group, and we calculated that I need about an extra $1500 per month to cover everything.  That's equivalent to about what I would make at a little part time job, which I have been looking for since August.  And two months later, still nothing.

So I write a letter to my managers about my dissapointment (I guess that is spelled right, whassup this thing has no spell check - booty), and I know I said some risky things, but I said it the best way I know how. 

My friend Kim says that what I wrote was insulting to my employer.  How so?  This is the third go around for me and I haven't said anything for three years about pay there.  My review scores seem to determine the raise, and they give me a lot of "Meet Expectations' scores.  In some cases I don't think that is accurate.  Sure there is some down time where I might blog on some sites and stuff, but since the business closed I don't have many outside tasks anymore. If the company checked my searches they would probably see a lot about managing debt, bankruptcy stuff, and resume tips. But if in their minds I am just doing the minimum, I asked them in the letter to tell me how to get more "Exceeds Expectations" and "Outstanding" scores.  I told them that my situation is dire, and that this is the worst time that I am experiencing in my life financially.  It sucks and so did my raise.   But Kim makes it sound as if I should not expect anything and to go for a promotion.  There is no promotion for me as far as I see it.  I mean what do I get promoted to, "Head Executive Assistant?"  Head of who?  I'm the only one in the office! 

Then she says it was a bad idea to put in writing because it might go in my employee file.  Uh oh, here we go with the dreaded file.  In all the jobs I've worked at across the country, everyone is always so scared about what is in their damn file.  I mean I used to pull that mess when I was a manager when I was dealing with employees.  I used to put a lot of shyt in these files and didn't tell the employee, and I didn't have to.  It's a scare tactic that is used on so many of us minions in the world. 

I don't care about no damn file.  My bills gotta get paid.

I'd rather have what I said in writing anyway so it ain't no question wtf I said later.  That talking to managers can backfire and get all twisted up, even when another so called 'neutral' manager is there also.  I have been burned too many times with that so I put my stuff on paper.  If you want to put the letter in the file go ahead and file it dammit.   If someone wants to terminate me and use the file as ammo later then what can I do about it so why worry or concern myself with it?  The file is just another reason to be scared and be a slave to others and not say how you feel about things.  The file is the Boogey Man for grown folks.

Dig this movie scene I just made up just now. It is called "THE FILE"

THE FILE

SCENE I

Shot of outside of an office building.  Camera zooms in on the company name, "SELECT SLAVES, LLC.".  From the perspective of Karen, the door to the office building opens.  The security guard behind the glass window greets her by waving his hand.  The camera zooms in to show that the security guard has chains around his neck.

Karen walks down the hallway and passes the various offices.  People are sitting at their computers busy typing away. Some are running down the hall with files and papers, zipping in and out of offices. Karen speaks to each person, and they glance hurriedly at Karen and wave to acknowledge her greeting.  Each person she greets has chains around their neck.  Karen continues to walk down the hall. 

Creepy music plays.  At bottom right of screen a pair of men's shoes appear and stops in the hallway.  Whoever has stepped into the hallway is watching Karen.

SCENE II

Karen is seated in her cubicle staring at her computer.  A shot of the computer screen shows that she is looking at a gossip website.  Karen's chains are hanging on a hook next to her coat.

Creepy music plays.  The man's shoes are shown walking towards Karen's cubilce.  The shoes finally stop in front of Karen, and she turns, looks, and screams.

The camera follows the shoes up to the leg of the pants.  The man's body is in the shape of a file.  In big letters are typed "Karen's File".  Karen continues to scream.

Curious employees stop typing and walking, but they say nothing.  After a few seconds they go back to moving hurriedly back and forth between the offices.  None go in the direction of Karen's cube.

Karen clutches her head and continues to scream.  Karen's file begins to walk toward her with his arms outstretched.  Close up of Karen screaming.  The camera moves to the clock on Karen's desk.  It says 9:18am.  Karen is off screen and continues to scream.  Fade to black.

SCENE III

Scene opens in the employee break room.  The clock says 12:36pm.  Employees are huddled in a circle and are speaking in whispers.  Then one employee looks towards the door and his eyes widen.  The rest in the huddle first look at him, then towards the door.  Creepy music plays.  The File is standing in the doorway. 

The camera cuts back to the group, and instead of adults they are now mice in work clothes.  They all scurry away under the tables. 

The File (chuckling) - "That's right bitches.  You run and you don't even know what's in here."

The File points to his own chest.

The File - "Just the mere thought of it does the trick.  Damn.  That's some powerful shyt!"

The File walks away laughing louder. "Bad the Bone" plays in the background. 

Fade to black.

The file.  You never see it but it could come and 'get you' one day.  (*sucks teeth*).  Anyway...

That's all I'm gonna say about a goddamn file for today. 

I like working there and I don't want to leave, but I need more money.  So hey, I put it out there to them and it may not have been in the best way, and if they get mad, then...

The world is hyped about the economy but we are getting ready to spend $5000 for a Xmas party at work okay?  And the 20 or 30 offices across the US will be having one too.  Shyt f*ck the party and give me the money so I can buy me a new wig or some shoes.  I mean I have no shoes to wear seriously.  Just a bunch of mess with f'd up heels and soles that are 'talking' like we used to say back in 70s and 80s.  Like Pink says in her song, "Keep your drinks just gimme the money."  That shyt is the gospel.  Word up.

My "Damn I Wish" List

I'm sitting here at work eating the mac and cheese I made at home with some macaroni that I have had for who knows how long.  But it was edible.  I'm cooking everything in the cabinets and the fridge nowadays and they are slowly getting bare.

I can't really search for jobs and stuff like I used to at work after the Big Brother call the other day.  I had a vision that this job told me that I was fired and I directly went out to the balcony here and just jumped over the edge.  I had to shake those thoughts off.  So to get my mind of off such morbid things and instead of blogging about other stuff in the world, I'm going to take a turn from the broke thing and make a wish list.  This is really a procrastination move as I was supposed to make a new doctor's appointment.  But scheduling the Pap Smear can never be more important than me blogging about myself right?  :-)

The list is more about what I wished I would have done in my life since I'll be 40 years old in less than 40 days. 

TWENTY THINGS I HAVE TO SAY "DAMN I WISH..." ABOUT...

1. Damn I wish I would have used some of the buyout money I got at Motorola a few years ago to get a nose job.  Seriously.
2. Damn I wish I would have tried out for the pom-pom team in high school.  But I thought I was not cute enough to try out.  Actually someone encouraged me once but I still didn't do it.
3. Damn I wish I would have never bought and wore shoes that were too tight because now I have corns.  And when I tried to solve the corn problem, I wish I would have noticed that the doctor who worked on my feet back in 1994 had left one of my toes too long and now I have to go back and have the corn removed again!  Arggghhh
4. Damn I wish I would have tried out for commercials and TV shows when I was in grade school.
5. Damn I wish I would have minored in Television or Media Studies at Rutgers while working on the Engineering degree.
6. Damn I wish I would have taken that teaching scholarship at Lewis and Clark College in Portland and got my Master's Degree in teaching.  But I was too chicken about being broke again after my first stint at full time teaching and didn't do it.  That was a BIG mistake to turn that down.  BIG.
7. Damn I wish I would have went abroad for one summer during college. 
8. Damn I wish I would have taken more pictures of people in high school and college and kept a better scrap book.  But I hated pictures myself so it was quite natural that I had no interest in taking pictures of others I guess.
9. Damn I wish I would have called my father at least once every two weeks to check in and say Hi.  Now that he's gone I regret that.
10. Damn I wish I would have never invited my cousin "J" to work with me last summer because she just wasted my money and my time.
11. Damn I wish that I didn't have to close my business in July.  This hurts me so bad.
12. Damn I wish I had the ability to have a voice that was culturally unidentifiable when I call people on the phone to take care of business.  It always seems that I have to work my way up to a person's level in phone conversations.
13. Damn I wish I would have never picked that damn mall to open my business.  I also wish I would have never picked the new location to move my business into because it cost me $25K and a bunch of legal drama that I am still going through.
14. Damn I wish I would have never taken that money to the restaurant with me the night I got robbed.  The man stole $28K from me.
15. Damn I wish I never applied for more than one credit card.  I mean I had 13 in college at one time, including a gas card and I didn't even have a car.  Pitiful.  I wish my parents would have said SOMETHING about credit and saving.  They never did.
16. Damn I wish I kept up with my violin so that I could play in the subway and hustle for dollars right now.
17. Damn I wish I had started my business ventures when I was in college.
18. Damn I wish my cousin Kim wouldn't have gotten killed.  She was so much fun!!!
19. Damn I kinda wish I didn't get my cat 15 years ago because living with cat hair is a beotch!
20. Damn I wish I could get my revenge on the person who put peanuts in my gas tank this past summer.  That crap cost me $700 - money I did not have okay.  Only one person I know could be that crazy, and she is one of my ex-employees.  Maybe one day...

Ok so there it is.  Feels good to look at this list, but there are so many things that I can't do anything about.  That time has passed.  I am getting old and I'm still struggling.  Does it end only when you die?  Seems that way.

Anywho...lemme schedule this Pap Smear.  I'm way overdue and I need to stop playing.

Broke Antidote #4: Meet Me a Man With Money in His Hand

"Cause ain't nothing going on but the rent." 

Remember that song? 

I was walking home after disembarking from the slave ship, and I thought about my friend saying she met a cutie on Match.com.  Then I was saying to myself how I might do it to meet new people.  I think I have had my share of my gangsta, Timberland wearing types for now. 

Hey, what if one of them is like an entertainment industry guy or a Wall Street fella?  If I can't make the paper myself, I'll find someone with enough paper to give me a little.  So this week I am gonna enroll!  I hope there are some cuties with some loot please.  My biggest concern is that they will be pint sized.  The internet fellas often are.

Day #10: That thing about Big Brother is Watching? It is Really True.

Ok for weeks I have been looking for a part time job, but I decided to go on Monster.com and CareerBuilder.com and post my resume in the case someone my contact me about a better paying job altogether.  I put them out there on Saturday.  So Sunday night I'm on the phone yapping and I see a call come through from another state.  I didn't recognize the number so I thought it was a bill collector or something.  Then I see the message, "Voicemail Waiting".  I was still yapping on the phone then the call dropped.  So I decided to go and check my message real quick to see what was up.  Ok, why was it my someone from my current job?  They saw that I had posted my resume on the damn sites!   It seems that employers get a damn alert message when the you have your current company listed in your profile.  So those damn job sites lets the jobs know that you are looking and sends them a damn email too!  Motherfuccas at Monster and Careerbuilder!  They are tattletales!  I was bugging out.  So I immediately changed the status of my resumes to 'private' until I can come up with another game plan.  I like to have my resume out there because people can call me instead of me applying to everything.  Shoot, that is how I got half of my jobs, through someone seeing my resume on one of those sites.  Ain't that some shyt?!  Man you are never too old to learn something.  The job search game is really a trip right now.  But I have a way to work around this I think.  That's been my ace in the hole having my resume posted for public view.  I'll give my backup plan a shot.  I just gotta work around Big Brother eyes I guess.

My room stinks.  Why?  Because my cat's box is dirty and I don't have the money for the cat litter.  So when it gets dirty his furry ass will start peeing on the floor and in my closet with my damn shoes.  I lit some candles to mask the smell.  Yeah I know it's ghetto but what am I supposed to do?  Sit in the funk?  Then I thought that I might have some leftover quarters to buy some litter tomorrow, but that means I may not be able to buy my $3 worth of lottery tickets.  Damn, damn, damn!  Payday is three days away...I'm holding on.  I think my pay raise stuff came today at work for my manager.  I held the envelope up to the light but I couldn't see the numbers so I guess I gotta wait.  I wonder what I'm gonna get.  He may not even come in this week....boo.

Ooh blessings came to me today!  I got another check from the DOL for the program that I was participating in with my business.  It paid half of one of my employees salary.  So it was $340!  I was like great!  Thank the Lord, thank the Lord.  I didn't have that check 10 minutes and I was at the bank with it.

BOA has my cell phone number.  Crap.  Now they are calling that.  It started today.  I don't have anything to tell them right now.  I have two appointments this week.  One is with a non-profit to discuss my situation and see how they can help me with bankruptcy options.  Then I have another one with an attorney.  Man they want a $100 retainer fee at the starting gate.  That meeting may not happen just because of that so I'll just postpone it. 

I met my buddy Hugh from college yesterday and we met for a couple of drinks.  I needed that little buzz for real.  I was asking him why do people have kids since he had two boys.  I said that I wondered why my mother had me.  I mean, is this what she wanted for me?  To just grow up and work my life away and then die?  Everyday I ride the bus a.k.a the 'slave ship' that docks at the Port Authority with the hundreds of other slave ships coming from all points in NJ and PA.  The only difference is that it not just Black people on them.  Then what kills me is that at night I see the SAME folks that I saw in the morning boarding the slave ships again to go home.  This can't be my destiny!  Now I understand why people become bums sometimes.  They don't have to worry about bills, being to work on time, etc.  They are a truly free and I must admit I might be a little jelly (jealous) of that.

I'm telling you, this time next year things better be happening for me.  Otherwise, I might be outta this area because I may as well go back home if I'm going to be in NYC just to work a job.  Shoot I can do that in Chicago and be close to the fam and some Chi-style hot dogs and pizza.  Big decisions to make.

Broke Antidote #3: M&M Day - McDonalds and Michael Jackson

I was combing through the craigslist ads and picking out a few morsels that I would apply to later when I got home.  Bartending, catering, admin jobs, etc.  But I couldn't get this poster out of my mind that I saw in the window at the McDonalds next to the therapist's office earlier this week.  So then I said, "What the hell.  Let's see if McDonald's calls me."  So I went online and applied.  They had like 35 questions for you to answer!  Mostly about like was I late in high school and did I turn in my homework.  Stuff like that!  Hell yeah I was late to school, and been late to almost everything ever since - even job interviews.  It's a curse.  I was kinda trippin' on the questions but I went ahead applied for the cashier job though.  Pay range $7.15 - $8.15 per hour. 


Imagine that!  I'm about to hit 40 years old and never in my life have I applied to McDonald's.  I mean I worked at Popeye's Chicken when I was like 15 but that was my first job.  My cousins had worked there and hooked me up.  I remember there was an asshole manager there who said to me once, "Does your entire family have those big noses?"  I didn't know what to say.  As I teenager I was all self-conscious anyway and had a phobia about the way I looked, so when he said that to me I was crushed.  I went home and told my mother about it, and she told me "Well, I woulda said what does my nose have to do with making this chicken?"  But of course it was too late for all that.  The damage was done.  My job basically consisted of washing dishes and making biscuits in the back while the cute chicks worked in the front.  Ahhh, the memories....

So anyhow let's see if I get a call...

My entrepreneur friend Sam called me and I told him that I was looking for a second job.  He reminded me that I am an entrepreneur and need to find my own way of making money.  He's right.  So then my thoughts shifted to ways to make money on my own.  But I've been thinking about it..what can I do without any loot? Shyt, all I know how to do right now is make people mad at me.  LOL.  Can I get paid for that?  Maybe I'll be the Blogger Bitch (there I go with the 'B' word again, but it is very colorful I must say) in cyberspace? 

But in the mean time, I have the last of my MJ posters I gotta sell....

I just have a handful, so I'll post on some places and hope that eventually I'll unload them.  This weekend for sure!  I have some books and a dress or two and see what happens with those too.  I have also tried to sell some of the business stuff, and thought I had a bite on a copy machine that I put on Ebay.  But he faked on me when he got here.  Had the nerve to tell me he looked like Al B. Sure when I made arrangements to meet him.  Al B. Sure, who is SO IRRELEVANT right now.  So this comparison to himself was quite fitting.  I guess I was supposed to swoon over that information especially when I didn't ask what he looked like anyway.  This wasn't a blind date you goon; you are buying a copy machine!  I guess he was getting his sites mixed up and he forgot that he went to Ebay.com and thought he found me on Match.com.  But when I saw him he was a complete gremlin okay!  He had the light skinned part right on the Al B. Sure thing...but he had boobs and a pot ass belly.  Nuh uh!!  He looked more like Al Roker than Al B. Sure if you ask me.  Creep.

Day 4, Part II: Changed the name of the blog

It is now the Diary of a Broke Ass Woman - at least until I find something better.  Not as interesting as Diary of a Broke Bitch, but that bitch thing was too much to describe a classy lady like myself.  To be broke AND a bitch was too much of a kick in the head. 

Well so much for keeping it gangsta like I said on Day One. 

Why did I dream last night that I broke into this girl's house who I sued in court and lost to a couple of years ago?  And guess what I stole...nothing!!  I think I was watching TV in the dream or something like that.  Very weird.  I can't even keep it gangsta in a dream.  I guess it just ain't in me.

Day 4: Getting Happy Over $15!

People think I'm kidding about this or something.  Jose wanted me to pay the parking ticket that he got on my other car until we caught up with each other.  The ticket was $34 and I told him that I didn't have $34.  He said, "What!  You're going backwards!"  I then said, "And why is that?  Because of the business."   I told him about the blog and he said he didn't want to read it because it was probably going to be depressing.  Depressing for who?  Him?  Why when the shyt is happening to me?  If you're gonna be depressed then how do you think I feel?  Jose is tripping.  Anyhow, Jose gave me an extra $15 with the money for the ticket. Jose said to use it to buy something special for lunch.  So tomorrow I will splurge and buy me some Qdoba take out for $9 and a $5 scratch off ticket.  Or maybe I will just buy the scratch offs and another Mega ticket.  Woo hoo!

Wait.  Mic check.  Am I really celebrating fifteen dollars right now?

Ok I did a little something today on the credit end of things.  I called BOA and told them I would try to catch up in October.  I'm three months behind with them.  By that time I would have met with the credit counseling place again (the NFCC) and see what they say about the bankruptcy thing.  So I'm stalling for time...

I called Discover because they raised my interest rate to 17.9% from 11.24% because I had a late payment back in July.  They put it back at 11.24% because I told the rep that 18% on $10K is not gonna work for me.  Come to find out they changed the billing cycle and that changed the regular due date that I was used to.  The call was actually easier than I thought because my reason was apparently valid. 

Wait.  Mic check.  Aww crap, did I call BOA from my work damn phone?  I just thought about it.  I did!!! Now they might start calling there.  Dang it.  That was dumb, just dumb.

But what was also dumb was that I wore full bloomers with some tight ass biker shorts to gym class today.  It looked like I was wearing a Pull Up diaper because the shorts were tight around my butt which emphasized the damn panty lines.  And to top it all off the shorts were hot pink and my shirt was too little for me making me stand out even more!!  And then the teacher had me in the front row of the class doing squats so that my butt and Pull Up panty lines were on full display for the whole damn class.  I went ahead and worked out though, but I was running to the locker room to get out of that get up.

Then get to the house and there was that damn skunk by the garbage cans again.  Two feet away from me.  I ran to open the door to the house and the lock was stuck.  Same thing that happened before when I saw that skunk.  It seems that only on the day the skunk is nearby is when I can't get the damn door open.  Go figure.

Broke Antidote #2: Get Paid to Clean Up After My Roommate & Acting Like Sybil/

Kim asked me what I was doing for my 40th birthday. I told her that I have nothing to celebrate. Then she said, "You're alive! You're breathing! You should be thankful for that." I then said I should be having a party everyday because I breathe everyday. I told the therapist that and she laughed.

Got a collection notice for the damn internet service. I don't know why every year 1&1 internet has the problem with me. Idiots. The bill is like $20 but they always send it to collections.

The mornings are getting worse for me. I can't get out of the bed. Then when I do get out of the bed and go into the bathroom, I am greeted by the hairs from my roommate's head in the tub, on the floor, and toilet. Since I need extra cash, I'm gonna make a proposition to the roommate. I am gonna offer to clean up his hair for $50 a month since he can't seem to do a thorough job himself.

In reality I don't wanna do this, but maybe if I say this then he will get it together? Or maybe I will collect the hairs and put them on a voodoo doll so that I can stick pins in it when I hear his loud ass snoring at night. He goes to bed at like 7:30pm so that shyt starts WAY EARLY and startles the cat and everything.  Or better yet, maybe I will collect the hairs and make a toupee so he can put them back on his damn head.
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What does this has to do with brokeness? It's the Sybil Hour right now I guess. My head is all over the place and so is my personality. I am having confidence attacks and I'm all hyper sensitive about my race and my looks. I'm so conscious about people talking to down to me because they see my color first and hear me second. On the phone they hear my Black accent first and the words second. I'm flipping all around with my thoughts and I'm calling it my Sybil thing. (Sybil was a woman with multiple personalities, but I don't think I am anywhere near that girl.)

My therapist asked why did I use the word 'bitch' to name my post. I don't like being called a bitch but sometimes I do call myself that - but more in an Omarosa/Paris Hilton kind of way. Like I'm a bad ass. But this time the word bitch doesn't mean that when it comes to this blog. But on the walk back from the session I kept thinking that I should change it. It bothers me. Maybe that's a good thing though. If I don't wanna be a broke bitch then I have to fix it then. I am thinking of a new name, but I'll keep it like that because I think it gives my blog some charisma.

But look at this clip and you see how she flips when being called a bitch:

http://www.bvnewswire.com/2009/09/18/nene-leakes-who-you-calling-a-b/

Day 3: Broke But Gave This Man A Dollar?

I gave the therapist $35 of the $50 I had in my pocket today, and I also had to take a cash advance off my credit card (something I testified that I would never do, but I had to because my Chase payment for $553 is coming out of the bank today and I only had $327 in the bank). But on Friday I went to put the damn money in the bank to pay Chase, but Friday the bank took $180 out of my personal accounts to pay for the loans I have open on the business. I was like "Dammit!" So now I gotta watch this and go and pay these things in the bank instead of doing it online because the bank is snatching it from me.



But even despite this, I gave a Latino man standing on 6th Avenue a dollar. Why? Because he had this condition with his face where it was swollen and red and severely deformed. I thought to myself that if it was hard for me to find employment, I wondered if it was harder for him? His face was hard to look at and I'm sure people discriminate against him all the time. I gave him the dollar and he said "Thank You", smiled, and gave me a postcard. He seemed very appreciative. It said, "Life is an act of value." It had some other things on it. Also on the postcard he explained what he was suffering from which was "Hemangioma". Here is a pic of what it looks like:








I said to myself that I am quick to think that I have it so bad. I can't imagine what it was like for him growing up. So even though I need my money I gave him a buck. If his goal was to tear on your heart strings, he succeeded with me. I saw how no one was stopping or even paying him any attention. I kept walking and then stopped and turned and went back to him. I did think for a second and said, "Hey, he has money to buy these nice ass postcards though!" Anyhow, I guess he probably is explaining his condition all day long so that's why he invested in the postcards? So there was something inside of me to help this guy even though no one is helping me. I think sometimes that this is a character flaw because people just end up screwing me over in the long run. But I'm probably too old to change this now. Being nice counts for shyt and I know this, but I act otherwise.

There was another man in the Port Authority begging for money for a bus ticket. He was telling people about himself and what he did and what not, and was saying that he had to get to Massachussetts. No one that I saw gave him anything. I said to myself, "People don't give a shyt about your sob story." I have to remind myself of this. No one cares about your mess!

Broke Antidote #1: Went to Bartending School

So back in August I went to bartending school for three weekends. Made my 12 drinks in seven minutes. Then I went and made little contact cards and spent like two days making resumes for the job. But I never realized how superficial the industry is! All the ads want a pic. I'm not ugly or anything but I certainly am not a model either. I do okay. But you know I don't think it is totally about that either - the looks thing. Minority females bartending in Manhattan is practically non-existent. I didn't realize it until I started looking. So I guess the best way for me to get a shot is to try a bar with folks who look like me I guess. So not only do I have the lack of experience working against me, it seems to be a little something else going on too. But I'll keep looking. I paid $500 to take the class (the last bit of my savings that I had a few months ago) to take this class in the hopes that I would find a gig and make the money back. So far I've been getting a lot of shade. I might do a lil experiment and find me a pic of cutie white girl and post it on my resume then send it to the same job that I apply to with my same qualifications! See this blogging makes me think! I just came up with that.

But I have been applying to anything and everything that I can do after work and on weekends since the bartending is moving too slowly. But for real, I think I'm gonna do that little experiment. If I have time....but I already know the answer so why bother.

Day 1: I Never Thought That I Could Really Admit My Brokeness

My name is....and I'm an alcholic...Oops! Wrong statement.

My name is..and I'm a Broke Bitch.

So this blog makes it official. I'm officially a BROKE BITCH. Well let's say 'ish' instead of bitch for my first post. I know these days the young girls use it all freely and what not but I'm old school and I gotta take baby steps on using word 'bitch' and 'broke' to characterize myself. Wow. Let me say that again. Broke and a Bitch too? The world MUST be coming to an end. So if that's the case I might as well keep it gangsta!

So what happened to a girl who at a time would get four and five job offers, worked for major companies, lived all over the country, had savings, stocks, clothes, cars? I opened my own business that's what. Used everything I had to support a dream. That's a long story and that mess is chronicled on another blog that I leave that open for people who know me to see. Not gonna tell them I'm broke though and I won't tell them about this blog. I can't imagine all the critcism that would unleash once they hear that Miss Got It All Together don't have nothing together right now. I even went to the coin machine and cashed out all my loose change that I've carried for years now. It was only $58 but I can at least wash my clothes, buy some gas, and buy my sick cat his special food. It's a little embarassing, but I'm too gangsta to let it show. (I always wanted to say I'm too gangsta about something so there ya go! Dream fulfilled! Hee hee.)

I'll keep this blog to chronicle my money troubles because I gotta let it out! With the businness being closed I have to still pay those bills plus my own. I have this little job in NYC that pays decent, but I took that over a gig that paid $20K more so that I could work on my business too. And you know I'm regretting that shyt right now because the business is closed. Then I got robbed and I had to borrow $52K to replace that money, so my debt is about $78K.

This blog may be a strategy for me to make light of the damn situation before I end up homeless (which honestly doesn't sound that bad right now cause I could use the rent money to pay other things). I have thought it about it many times. Is it possible to be funny about being a Broke Bitch (BB)? I doubt it but if I ever lose it then people can come to this blog and see how I have been feeling.

So here we go...the Diary of a Broke Bitch is officially published. I know a LOT of people are going through it too if not worse, but you know, this is my party and I'll cry if I want to dammit. So everyone is handling there stuff the best way they can, and I guess I'll have to do the same.

To blog is to ease my despair...